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Comment by morgan on April 3, 2015 at 5:01pm

My husband would feel the same way your Diane would.  He would hate to have me be as broken as I am.  The only thing I can say is that luckily he isn't here to have to endure this anguish.  He would probably have landed in the third category.  Not because he would have wanted to but he would have had the access to something I didn't'.  If I could have I very well might have for about the first ten months.  Then I lost enough of the courage although periodically it comes back pretty strong.  

Here's my explanation for all of this.  It's taken me two plus years to try to hang my hat on this and I am still not totally sure but its the best explanation I've got.

This universe is much much bigger than our tiny little version of an explanation.  I think we are receptacles for a bigger energy force (kind of like gravity)and that our cells are just receiving information in the form of vibrating strands of energy encapsulated in the much larger universe and we are acting it out and we interpret it as our reality in the four dimensions we can identify. Deal is we really don't have the kind of choices/control we think we have and we cant see what is happening in dimensions that might be right next to us.  I mean what dimension are dreams in?  What dimension do the people who claim to have had OBE's or NDE go to?  I don't think it is all just biological or physical.  I think this energy is sort of preprogrammed.  DId we really "choose" who would give us birth?  Do we really "choose" how we die?  Or is this just coming at us from all that empty space out there.  And maybe, just maybe your Diane is right next to you and you "feel" her but cant see her and because that is all we know it hurts.  You cant see her in that other dimension.  Yet she might just be real close because otherwise why would you still feel her so strong.  

Anyway, now we (those who are dealing with death) are thrown together in another physical dimension having to sort out the kind of feelings that we never had to deal with before when we were living within the other (physical) population we used to belong to.  Even though Diane and my husband are no longer physical they may still be living they just happen to be located in a different dimension now. Maybe thats why we feel them so strongly.  

Am I reaching?  yep.  But like Tildyc said, I needed some answers and after studying the physics I am coming around to seeing this as a much larger picture not based on the supernatural but on placing my bets on the empty space which is not empty but teeming with energy, mine, yours, Diane's, my husbands, everyones.  That as invisible as it seems it is full.  And it is what is sending signals to our very atoms in our cells of our body and we are just interpreting them.  For me its only the lack of technological tools that will eventually explain the whys and hows of what we call life and death is.  Science will give us the answers and I believe they are on the cusp of some great breakthroughs.  Its happening at a furious pace but invisibility is a tough nut to crack.  How well we know it huh?  Our love has become invisible and we have no idea what to do.

Comment by Lynden on April 3, 2015 at 4:24pm

For those whose loss is not so recent, when did you feel like you could appreciate meeting new people? I'm trying to keep my mind busy by doing lots of volunteer work, but I am finding other people intolerable. Not because they aren't perfectly nice and polite but because they aren't the person I lost. They don't say the things he'd say. They don't make the jokes he'd make. They don't make the comments he'd make. Their "otherness" irks me, and I find myself pulling away from human contact. I'm taking baby steps but waiting for the day I can meet a new friend and not say in my head "you're not Ed, go away."

Comment by morgan on April 3, 2015 at 3:48pm

JohnT - You say you don't know what to do.  This is what you do.  You reach out to us.  You tell us how you "feel".  You let us know how painful this is because we get it.  Each of us is in the same place as you.  We all get it.

I have been crying almost all day. There is nothing that will fill the void you talk about because there is nothing to fill it with.  There isn't enough love from anyone else that will replace Diane nor replace my husband. The best we can do is share how we "feel" because we know how bad it is.  

Does it get better?  I'm not going to say better just different.  It's not as constant but it never changed depth.  Well,maybe it does for some people but they had a different kind of love than I had.  For those of us expressing how bad it feels we had a pretty intense relationship. Some people do get over it.  Some people just manage the best they can moment to moment. Some people end up dead.  I guess I am in the middle group hanging over the edge.  It's the most painful, hard thing I have ever had to do.  Ever.  

But I come to websites like this to let myself know others are also suffering and I am going to manage another moment. I don't know why I am managing another moment but I am.  At least I think I am. That's because I am not crying at this very moment.

Take care. 

Comment by George H on April 3, 2015 at 8:13am

Hi Roger I can see why you had a good counselor she knew about your kind of loss I like the woman I've got just not sure she gets it

Comment by George H on April 3, 2015 at 6:57am

I've got a counselor from hospice so it's free the only help I think she is is someone to talk to and that's only once a week but now I think she's lost in what to say to me she called on the phone but didn't say anything about coming back to the house so I guess we'll see

Comment by Donna M Dowling-Hall on April 3, 2015 at 4:50am

Someone, I can't remember advised me to try melatonin to help me sleep.  Seems to work for me.  

Comment by morgan on April 3, 2015 at 1:09am

George- My sister paid to have a counselor visit me at first.  I was rude and hated her becase she sat there and asked me so many clinical questions.  My husbands death might have been clinical but our "feelings" for each other were not.  I told my sister thanks but no thanks.

Then I went to 3 free group meetings at a local hospice and as bad as I felt I crawled into myself and listened but other than just trying to absorb it didn't do me a ton of good but I was glad I went.

Then my sister tried again with another type of counselor and she was better but I really didn't want help.  I played with her and she did draw me out a little bit but to pay for it I wasn't about to give up hard earned money to someone who really hadn't experienced this.  

I found reading online to be the best therapy. I have gone to several other sites.  I read on all of them and respond on a couple.  I just know we are walking a path where we now live in a totally different dimension than what we used to and we aren't going back.  

We know the "feelings" losing our loved one brings on.  Its brutal.  No one knows this until they have to go through it.

I want you to try and get some sleep.  Please. I am now going to do the same.

Goodnight..

Comment by George H on April 3, 2015 at 12:34am

I seem feel better here with ya'll than taking to the councilor some times I don't think they get it

Comment by morgan on April 3, 2015 at 12:27am

george and tildyc

Up late too.  Just about ready to start listening to one of my physics videos on you tube.  

George- try to get some sleep. Even if you are just resting.  Staring at the screen is going to keep you wired.  Put something on in the background for yourself and lie down.  I know its hard.  I've been there.  Its why I still play something at a low level when I go to bed. Its torture otherwise.  Well, its torture anyhow but I do what I can to get sleep.  

Tildyc, It is hard when the income goes down.  I managed to keep the job I had when my husband died for 7 months but knew I would never be able to continue.  I had to be way too focused and it wouldn't have been fair to my employer.  I ended up training another woman.  I sold our home and took the proceeds and have remodeled two homes one to live in and one I am in the process of selling or renting.  Haven't worked now for a year and half. Been mainly depending on SS.  Started it at 62 and I am now 63.  Even living where I am it is cheap but SS is not enough so I need to be wise about what I do from here on in.

Of course if I have my way I wont be around long.  I am not courageous enough to do it myself but keep hoping with the diminishment of my health it will happen naturally.  Would like to join my husband wherever he might be and if he isn't it certainly isn't any better here without him.  

I really hate that we now need to deal with this horrible emptiness.  

Comment by Tildyc on April 3, 2015 at 12:26am

Thank goodness for this place that we come to. Otherwise – I would be completely and utterly alone. As well as everybody else here might've been. It's been a life line for me.

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