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Comment by George H on April 16, 2015 at 6:25pm

Tried grief group just not for me all the stories seemed to just run together all my mind heard was mumbling could not focus just wanted to be home were Mary should be

Comment by Dianne M. on April 16, 2015 at 5:17pm

Must be a bad day all around. I woke up from a dream of my husband and I couldn't see his face. I have cried most of the day. Went to grief counselor and cried some more. I haven't had this much pain in one day for a while but there it was. I was supposed to go out tonight but came home. Just not up for attempting to talk to anyone. They would never understand why I am crying. So much going on this week that I need him here for and I am navigating this all on my own. I am sure that hasn't helped at all.

Will this ever get better???

Comment by morgan on April 16, 2015 at 12:50pm

Well, no records broken today.  Had two days of no crying and then spent most of the morning in bed crying.  I guess I should be grateful I had two full days of reprieve since that has been rare.  If I am lucky I get one day interspersed.  

I just don't know how to get beyond this. I do, do, do and try and try and I guess I keep thinking that somehow I am going to not have to cry.  At this point it is gutting me.  I don't pray and I don't take drugs but I have done everything else.  The only other thing would be to completely obliterate any reminders, memories, items etc that would keep his presence around me.  If I had to do that in order to live--well, that isn't going to happen.  

How is it that each of us has/had found this one person so significant in our earthly lives that brings such similar forces to bear upon our own individual emotional selves?  DOesn't it beg the question how this force of love and attachment came to each of us in the form of our spouse and now that this "love" has disappeared in its earthly form we are so torn to shreds?  I mean what?  How can this be?  What is it that brings us to a place where we are sharing despair and anguish but when we were sharing joy and happiness we never knew each other?  What mechanism is bouncing around snatching the good emotions from certain people just because they chose to love?  I really don't get it and I really need to get it.  Is it possible that the hierarchy of different levels of the universe is the universe acting out its own organic system?  Are we just one level of a hierarchy in a gigantic system and the universe is just like us but on a much grander scale?  That is takes millions of us to weep in order for the universe to feel its own death i.e.  Stars dying, pollutions, etc.  Kind of anthropomorphizing the whole thing here but is it possible?  That everything from the smallest of smallest of atoms up to the ginormous universe are all birthing living dying and at our own level it is but our contribution for the level up from us that needs for that to happen to maintain equilibrium.  All the way up the scale?

Ok, I know this is cookoo land and they are going to lock me up soon but when I think and write its just one of the ways I try to get this feeling straightened out because I am so tired of the hurt.

Thanks everyone…….I just keep jabbering because I don't know why any of us were "forced" to join together but I am glad you're here.

Comment by morgan on April 16, 2015 at 12:22pm

George- Please go to the grief group.  If it isn't something you can handle once you try it out you don't ever have to go back.  I know the support group I attended at the very beginning of my grief which was held at a local hospice was something I thought wouldn't be helpful but it wasn't hurtful and as long as it is secular and local I would highly advise it.  I did get enough out of it at the time just to be with others who were in the same shape I was in.  I didn't participate much but they definitely don't push things….Would Mary say you should go?  Would she want to try to make you feel better because you are feeling sad?  I think she would.  Sometimes these things give us a little tiny boost.  And even if it is tiny we probably need to grab ahold of it.  

Take care.

Comment by lost on April 16, 2015 at 8:15am

George H- I'm starting a grief group Wednesday morning. I have to try something. I chose to live and I need help doing that. I can't find my way on my own. Maybe they will help....maybe they won't. But how will I know if I don't at least try?

Comment by George H on April 16, 2015 at 8:05am

Trying to talk myself into going to a grief group tonight just think it's a waste of time I don't want to be around people and know matter were you go your grief goes with you well I can always just come back home how do you go on with your life when every thing that mattered to you is gone forever I still can't get passed the morning she died

Comment by Tildyc on April 16, 2015 at 12:52am

M morgan- when you share what you've researched- and your opinions on the possibility of perhaps what may be answers to all this loss and confusing emptiness....It actually helps me in a sort of way. For I've decided that the standard explanations that I've been spoon fed all my life do not provide factual and believable answers.

However, I do understand the concept of having faith and in some aspects, I still hang on to some of it. And I have become more spiritual than I ever thought I was capable of. Not religious- but spiritual. I have always been one to question. And the loss of 1/2 of my very soul has driven me even harder to seek answers. I've begun looking into some hopefully inspiring info on my own lately. Not entirely convinced at this point but, I feel very compelled to do so. I NEED to find where he went.

These possible explanations/answers that you have shared might provide a little light in this otherwise hopeless and unescapable existence. So... for that... I want to say... thank you m.

Comment by morgan on April 15, 2015 at 11:42pm

For me there is nothing about how I feel that makes living life worthwhile.  I know my husband would not want to see me hurting but I think he would totally understand that having to live without him is not living.  It is simply existing.  And I think he would let me determine how I would handle the detrius of what I have to deal with knowing how difficult it is.  He always let me do pretty much what I wanted. He would guide me but ultimately it was always my decision.  I think he would understand if I chose to end my life if I was in so much pain it was unbearable.  

I want to think I have passed the point of ending it but one never knows.  The other night was a perfect example of how close to an edge I got.  And yet today is the second day in a row I haven't cried.  That has happened maybe six or seven  times in two years.  I'm not sure why the reprieve at this time but I do know one thing for sure.  Just because I am not crying doesn't mean I want to live.  On that score my mind hasn't changed.  I am only managing to get through a day, I am not living it.  There's a big difference in those two.  And I only manage it because I haven't gotten sick enough yet.  I haven't been to a doctor and I don't plan to go to one unless a physical pain is too much to bear.  At that point I hope it is a cancer or something that is terminal.  Then I will have a good reason to end it.  Somehow people will accept an end point based on physical suffering but not for emotional suffering that can be just as bad if not worse.  Go figure.  

In the meantime I study physics and neuroscience and related disciplines hoping to have an epiphany as to the interconnection of all of this.  I know they cant answer the big questions (yet) but by reading and studying I have come up with enough of a partial explanation that helps me limp along knowing they have proof of what they know so far and they have some pretty good ideas of what else they think is there.  My husband was pretty connected to nature and I think nature holds the key to where he might be now.  I can better follow the laws of nature and hope they find the key to unlock enough of the universe so those of us who need an answer to the silence can be more at peace. 

Comment by Tildyc on April 15, 2015 at 10:12pm

bluebird- yep – I do not recognize the person that I am now compared to the person I was before. Life without my soulmate really isn't living. It's barely exsisting.

And I absolutely avoid people whenever possible. I have to deal with the public because of my job but – it sucks... It effing sucks. If I could quit I would. I actually have a handwritten note on my door that says "please do not disturb." When somebody bravely knocks on my door, I cringe and wonder who the hell is bothering me now. Sometimes if I just keep quiet, they go away. My God. I absolutely detest the person I am now. I'm unrecognizable to myself anymore. When I say I truly don't know what to do... I'm not kidding.

Comment by George H on April 15, 2015 at 9:55pm

I'll try it but don't see it helping because I just don't care about anything like you I'm broken and alone

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