Comment

Comment by morgan on April 25, 2015 at 12:43pm

Dianne & George-  Last night over a thousand people (and likely still counting) die because of an earthquake.  Not disease, not a car accident, heart attack or other things we think of as "normal" death but an earthquake. All at once.  An act of nature so forceful that it took over one thousand lives. 

Here comes the million dollar question……WHY?  What is it that is causing so much grief in this world?  Both of you are right.  We are all right.  It is senseless.  There is no point.  Before I had love so I thought there was a point even though there was suffering and grief then.  Why do I find it so meaningless now?  Why death?  What is it with the amount of suffering that seems to be growing or is it just my imagination?  I would have willingly given my life in exchange for any one of those people in the earthquake. I want to die and yet I still live and they are gone.  WT_?

Comment by George H on April 25, 2015 at 10:32am

Dinner I don't see the point either just so senceless

Comment by Dianne M. on April 25, 2015 at 10:29am

George I was just saying that...I used to look forward to the weekends now I dread them....

Hate the silence here and the loneliness I feel. What is the point???

Comment by George H on April 25, 2015 at 10:27am

Another long lonely weekend

Comment by morgan on April 24, 2015 at 9:22pm

Tildyc-  I know its not the same but I want to say how glad I am to hear of your raise at your job.  I know you said your income halved so the extra it provides will be welcome.  Maybe Mark had his hand in it.  I sometimes have to look at things that give me a small little victory as ones my husband is sending me.   

I can really relate to some of what the two of you have done since we did the same.  We lived on Bainbridge Island for 20 years and my husband used to love to fish.  He would catch and smoke the salmon that our families would always savor when we sent them packs for Xmas.  I miss so much the man of nature that he was.  We grew up in the country of Pennsylvania outside of Pittsburgh and have known each other since second grade so hunting and fishing were a part of his life from a child.  It was where he found himself the most comfortable.  He was also the cook.  Since he has died I have made a few decent meals but in the early days it was mainly peanut butter on bagel and now it is mainly some form of sandwich, grilled or otherwise.  I don't eat very good now.  He always used to say he was feeding his birdie.

We all built our lives on the sacred geometry of the nature of love but we were only concentrating on what was right in front of us.  Now we are having to function with so much that is abstract.  It is so surreal.  Our husbands may be right in front of us but we cannot see them because of the geometry of how death constructs our love now.  There is nothing more universal or more abstract than death. Think of it.  None of us do the same thing except one thing.  We all die.  

 

So once again I go off on one of my "trying to figure it out" tangents. I can tell you your pain will not be as frequent as it is now.  Not as despairing but you will never forget what has happened to you.  Your brain will not stand this pain for an extended period but if you are at all like me you will never stop seeking.  You wont ever get the answers to your questions and there will be steps forward and then steps back but you and I must believe they are somewhere and we will be with them again.  We don't know how, or when and we want it now but we have no control over that it seems.  So in the meantime we come here to see if anything clicks.  If anything helps soothe the wound.  I can only say it is something that I see as todays outreach for the walking wounded.  Take care.

Comment by Dianne M. on April 24, 2015 at 7:56pm

Yes John T when my mother died 7 years ago we cried together and when his mom and dad died we did the same and all our dogs too..NO ONE to share these things with now....HATE THIS!!!

Comment by Dianne M. on April 24, 2015 at 5:04pm

Completed my errands and was able to walk around Costco without crying...making progress I guess.
Staying in tonight and watching my fav TV shows.

NOT the life I had planned....

Comment by George H on April 24, 2015 at 2:43pm

in spending the day wrestling with images of Mary in her bed the morning she died I sat there and held her hand until the funeral home came then I help them place her on the gurney and took her out to the hearse I just had to take her to the end of our journey now I sit here in the chair with her dog nothing but emptiness and loneliness it just makes no sense to me

Comment by Tildyc on April 24, 2015 at 1:40pm

It's a beautiful spring day here in SE Alaska. It's warm and all the surrounding mountains are so beautiful and I can smell the alders coming alive- The eagles are flying and fishing and looking so majestic. We have the annoying deer running around the neighborhood driving my dogs crazy. My rhubarb is coming up. My boss called and said that he is giving me a raise today and it is my day off.

In the past, before I lost Mark – a day like this would require much rejoicing. He would look at me and smile and give me a hug and a squeeze and tell me that I deserve that raise because I work so damn hard. He would then suggest that we grab some smoke salmon out of the freezer, grab some bagels and wine from the store and load up the dogs into the truck. Then we would go for a long drive out the road or a skiff ride and find a very nice secluded area where the dogs can run free and chase deer and we could sit together and enjoy this beautiful place where we live and each other. And we would discuss what special dinner he was going to make and who are we going to invite for the celebration.. I know it sounds unreal but-!that's pretty much how it would go on a day like this if my baby was still with me.

But he isn't with me – he died. And what once was- will never be again. I am surrounded by all this amazing beauty and have received what would've been very good news today. But – None of this makes me feel happiness or joy. I'm sitting here crying and wishing he were here to share this with me. It's so mind-boggling that all these things that we looked forward to and worked so hard for and hoped for- mean absolutely nothing now. This is who I have become and this is- i'm afraid- what the rest of my life is going to be like. The one and only thing that would actually bring true happiness to my life is an absolute impossibility. I will never ever again see him walk through our door or make me dinner or hold his hand or see his beautiful eyes and his irresistible smile.

I'm so angry that all these wonderful and beautiful things can happen around me and to me but I could actually give a shit about any of it. What the hell?!? I feel like the walking dead. Nothing-frickin-matters-any-effin-more.... NOTHING! How is this supposed to even resemble living? What a bullshit reality I live in now.

I am trapped in this realm until the day I finally die and can be free to be with him again. Every day, every hour, every minute and every second – closer. There is no escape and- unfortunately that's all I feel I have left for the remainder of my depressing and pointless life. A "Mark- less" life.

I HATE and do not recognize this person that I have become.

Comment by morgan on April 23, 2015 at 9:28pm

JohnT- bingo.

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 268
• 269
• 270
• 271
• 272
• …
• 339
• Next ›
• Page