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Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 29, 2015 at 3:18am

I think I have said this before on this forum. The measure of true love to endure pain yourself so that your loved one is spared it. Up until November of 2013 when Joseph was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he and I had every expectation to grow old together, that means to have at least another 20-25 years more together. For nine months, Joseph fought the good fight; he had a major surgery and underwent four months of agonizing chemotherapy that he didn't want to take, but did because I begged him to. I will never know whether the horrific treatment prolonged his life by a couple of months or not. 

The night before Joseph passed, he told me that he was prepared to go. I asked him why he was giving up, and he told me that the pain was beyond unbearable. When he told me that I knew that it was time for me to let him go and I did. The next morning, he took his last breath; we held hands and we told each other how much we love each other. Now living in this daily hell of pain, loneliness, and heartbreak, I still am relieved that Joseph is no longer suffering. No more excruciating pain from the tumors. He is at peace and he will not suffer ever again. Also, despite this unspeakable suffering and agony, I am glad that I am the one left behind. Joseph was so gentle, so sensitive, he would not have withstood my death. He would have committed suicide or would have had a major nervous breakdown. So  I take some comfort in the thought that as painful as this accursed existence is for me, Joseph has been spared. So again, for those of us who love deeply, we are prepared to make this sacrifice: to suffer this inhuman pain and still be relieved that our loved one's suffering didn't go on indefinitely. This is the life we have now.

Comment by Tildyc on April 29, 2015 at 12:04am

You know what George – I hear you. Although my Mark should have lived for at least 25-35 years more....he was a diabetic. And as our time went by together, he became a little worse every year. He was just taking medication but then had to switch to injections. But at the same time – he was doing all the right things to make himself healthy. And the fact that he died from a fricken ulcer is complete and utter bullshit. That doctor needs to pay for what he has done to Mark, me and his children. Talk about ruining lives. But that's not what my point is right now.

Due to Mark's diabetes, he would have a LOT of pain. He had fibromyalgia and many other health issues that landed him in the hospital about once a year. But – at the same time it was still something that should not have ended his life at this point in time. I feel he had many, many years ahead of him. MANY MORE YEARS AHEAD TOGETHER.

Yet...I watched him hurt and be in pain so very very much. I know that he did not want to leave so soon – I KNOW THIS! He had so much to live for.

But- I have to ask myself- if the future held so much pain for him...because it seemed as if he was on a slippery slope this last year. The amount of pain I watched him suffer was at times the heaviest weight I've ever bared. It hurt me so badly just to see him struggle like that- my poor poor baby. Who knows what he might've faced later in life? Diabetes is an evil evil disease. I have to tell myself, this beautiful soul- my soulmate- May have avoided some serious misery and torture by dying when he did.

So – if that were truly the case – I would gladly except my soul wrenching pain that I'm experiencing now in place of what he might have had to suffer otherwise.

But – I have no way of knowing for sure. There in lies my hell. And this is how I have to live for the remainder of my life. This is going to destroy me.

Comment by George H on April 28, 2015 at 8:49pm

Sitting here wondering if I'm being selfish the loneliness is driving me crazy but then I think about the dialysis the diabetes the infections the blockage in her leg would I really want the person I would have died for to go through that so I wouldn't go through this not a chance in hell

Comment by George H on April 28, 2015 at 6:50am

Mary has been gone 9 weeks today can't remember a thing I did since she passed don't know how I've made it this far

Comment by Tildyc on April 27, 2015 at 10:07pm

I'm lost

Comment by Tildyc on April 27, 2015 at 9:15pm

I miss him...,I'm losing it.

Comment by Tildyc on April 27, 2015 at 9:05pm

Earlier in this thread I think it was m morgan or perhaps bluebird. I was asked if I had any ideas to speed up my demise. Well – here's one- this last weekend I hiked out through the woods across the river and another river to my brother's cabin. It's about a mile and a half through Alaskan wilderness. I had a couple of friends who had rifles and my two pit bulls when we went. As we are making the trek I remember my niece telling me that she had seen brown bear sign on this trail about two weeks ago.

So the reason I'm telling the story is because I've decided to start going to that cabin every weekend from here on out. I've always loved it out at the cabin but-it just seems empty now without Mark there with me. Like everything I ever cared about. So my plan is this... I will go by myself with my two dogs and no rifle every weekend. If it happens- it happens. It would be horrifying but – I know I would try to fight back and survive because that's instinct, but in the long run I wouldn't win. Therefore I'm not killing myself. If it doesn't happen – at least I'm getting away from the rest the world for awhile. And anymore....I prefer to be alone anyhow.

Comment by Nancy on April 27, 2015 at 8:55pm

Will died on his pillow, so for a while it just smelled like death. Fortunately now it has released that horrible smell. But I feel like I'm sniffing the good Will smell out of it...

Comment by George H on April 27, 2015 at 8:33pm

Missing Mary I have never felt this much pain or been so alone

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 27, 2015 at 8:09pm

Hi Tildyc,

I am so sorry! It's so horrible what we have to endure day after day, week after week, month after month and know this is what it is going to be like for as long as we live. I know that for me the rest of my days--whether it is two more years or 30 more--I will pine away for my wonderful darling Joseph. That he is not here with me, that I can't hold his hand, hug him, see his smile, hear his voice, is the cruelest punishment imaginable. Life is so meaningless, I just go through the motions, but the absence of my beloved has left a huge, gaping hole in my heart that NOTHING can help. But I still go on living and will dod so indefinitely. It's horrible!

Oh, we miserable ones! Please, please let us have some respite!

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