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Comment by Tildyc on May 11, 2015 at 8:22pm

Why does it have to be so absolute? I can not fathom why the loved ones left behind have to have that door slammed shut and be completely locked out? To be thoroughly isolated from the truth? With zero recourse and absolutely no support from the one that was the very reason for existence? No communication. No proof of the soul we where so very connected to is to be found anywhere in our life. We are left alone with this overwhelming grief and with no answers to our cries and pleading. A complete feeling of indifference and silence is all I get.... I am abandoned.

I just wish he would say something.... Do something.... Find me somehow and help me. It's soo GD important. I just don't understand WHY it's got to be this way. It's senseless and wrong.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 10, 2015 at 7:20pm

Just called my mother-in-law to wish her on Mother's Day. Joseph was her adopted son, and she has no other children. While my pain and suffering are unspeakable, I feel sorry for her, an elderly single lady who has the misfortune of outliving her only child. This world is full of heartbreak, of people who are hurting and suffering, people who have been condemned to a meaningless and joyless existence.

I take one day at a time, because when I think that I am looking at another 25-30 years of this kind of life/living, it fills me with anxiety and fear. So one day at a a time, while I wait for my time to go join my beloved darling Joseph.

Comment by morgan on May 10, 2015 at 12:46am

I'm not sure the isolation is punishing myself but more that I find it difficult to get into conversations with people because at some point I have to respond to a question asked and inevitably that question requires me to divulge that my husband died and then the trigger of that sends me into my hole. Besides, I still find small talk superficial and happy talk overbearing and it strains my ability to engage at any level other than breaking down crying so I just avoid it.  

You did ok today Dianne if you were able to make conversation.  I cant buy flowers for myself as my husband used to buy a supermarket bouquet every week for us to enjoy at the house.  It wasn't an expensive one but just something of nature and color inside the house. He was so thoughtful about making our home a place of connection and nature always made us feel connected.  Now I am so disconnected I cant bear to do it.

Like you bluebird I don't want it to pass either.  I think we are on the same wavelength when it comes to our expectations of a "future".  We have no illusions that there isn't anything we want out of a future and so we are just biding our time. I think for us time is an enemy. I'd just as soon trade my life for anyone who wants to stay.  I just dont know how to make that wish come true.  I want for nothing else but for a short term now.

I think the isolation is multi faceted and we know inside we are different people now.  We have been catapulted into a different dimension but still live here on earth.  Kind of a twilight zone.  We are normal for what has happened to us.  This is the result and some of it changes and some of it stays the same. I cant even distinguish what day it is alot of the time.  Some of it is aging but most of it is that I don't work a "job" anymore and so everyday is just another day  to drag myself through.  Lately the worst thing is that I don't want to open my eyes so when I do wake up (because after 27 months of this) knowing how I am just walking through time as a shadow I dont want to have to face another day of dragging myself through the motions of doing things that mean nothing.  Life is just so meaningless.  Thats the part that has never changed from day one.  I'm living in servitude where I am a prisoner of love.  I wanted him to love me forever and forever doesn't exist.  I have now written myself into crying again. 

Goodnight.

Comment by bluebird on May 9, 2015 at 11:32pm

The desire to isolate myself hasn't passed for me, and it's been over 2.5 years since my husband died. I don't believe it will ever pass, and honestly I don't really want it to. I spend some time with my sister and her husband, and that's ok, because they were also very close with my husband. I spend less time with my parents, though I love them (as I love my sister and her husband). I have absolutely zero desire to spend any time with anyone else. It is easier to be alone at home.

Comment by Tildyc on May 9, 2015 at 11:28pm

I sat on a rock by the river today and cried for hours. It's very isolated so no one heard it. The dogs just ran about playing and enjoying their outing in the sun. Our dogs used to be very worried about me and try and comfort me. Now- they just behave like it's my normal behavior and pretty much ignore it. I'm quite the picture if pathetic-ness.

I could of went and hung out with some folks. I was invited to a barbecue. The last thing I wanted to do. I always feel like everyone is aware of my "different-ness". I try to act normal and join in on the conversation. But it always seems awkward. I hate it. So- I just do everything by myself whenever possible. I'm so different from who I used to be. I don't like having to be this way. I literally walk in a world completely separate and completely alone. I'm just too different from everyone now. I can't escape this emptiness.

Comment by Dianne M. on May 9, 2015 at 10:06pm

John T I hate weekends. Used to look forward to them. Spending time with my husband and doing fun things.

I went out today again and managed to make conversation and bought a few flowers for myself.

I do so much better during the week when I have things to do.

Sad life we live.

Comment by George H on May 9, 2015 at 3:10pm

just another lonely weekend like everyone else but I guess the good thing for me at the moment is I'm so detached from everything it just doesn't matter I feel guilty now because I have no emotions toward anything counselors tell me that probably will pass I know it might sound dumb but I'd rather hurt for Mary then feel the way I feel now this is truly a rotten existence

Comment by Dianne M. on May 9, 2015 at 12:20pm

John T I hate Saturday afternoons too. I went out for a while but I was just miserable and now I am back home and more miserable. We always had fun on the weekends. We were supposed to be on a bus trip today having a great time with friends. I couldn't go alone. Too damn depressing. I wish I knew how to get past this .....I hate being in this deep dark pit all the time. I know he wouldn't want me to be this unhappy but I have no clue how to do this.

Comment by Tildyc on May 8, 2015 at 1:05am

George- I've had a number of days that I've felt like that. It's unsettling for sure. I've never understood it. But- so far I've come out of it only to have a very disabling breakdown that lasted for days. It's a terrible horrible state of being. So far, for me, after those disconnected days... I've ended up returning to the pain. But the pain- would be different. A different type or level. I'm having a hard time even trying to explain it. I know I really effin hate it though.

You and I are about at the same time out. Mark left me Feb 4. Your Mary left a couple of weeks later- right? I certainly don't have any real advice on how to make these awful feelings go away. But I can share with you what I do myself. Whenever I get the time- I take the dogs for a walk in the most secluded place I can find. And even though it doesn't change a damn thing...I cry or just set with that feeling of numbness. I've stopped trying to fight the overwhelming feelings of despair or anger or hopelessness. Or being numb. I'm powerless in this grip of grief and loss. I've basically given up and am waiting for my eventual escape. I'm sorry I can't give you a better response.

But I just wanted to let you know George- I hear you.

Comment by George H on May 7, 2015 at 12:35pm

still detach from everything around me no loneliness no darkness no light no emotions this can't be a good thing it sure can't be a healthy thing it's starting to worry me a lot not sure how to handle this not sure where this is going to turn

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