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Comment by Tildyc on August 3, 2015 at 5:20pm

Also Nicole- I took only 2 wks off and had to go back to work for financial reasons. I was ok with my work until Mark's passing. Now- it is exhausting and all I want is to retire. My suggestion is- if it plausible- take off plenty of time if you are able. It's extemely rough to be falling apart and crying in front of everyone while trying to concentrate on work.

I swear- we have been sent to hell to live out a life long sentence of which we do not deserve. There is no mercy or relief to be had.
- that is how I feel anyway.

Comment by nicole irving on August 3, 2015 at 5:20pm

yes he would love for me to go back dairying, i was doing my diploma in agriculture, he was so very proud. i may try and do a day and see how i go....... thankyou for your comments

Comment by Tildyc on August 3, 2015 at 5:04pm

Trina- August 4th marks 6 mos for me. And I honestly do not feel better at all. Everyday is a flashback to the last day of his life. Everything thing we did and talked about. The look in his eyes before and after. The ambulance and then the EMTS rushing into our our home. Scaring the hell out of me and our dogs. It's so very sad and painful. It slams me in the chest and racks my body. I do not know how to stop these thoughts. I've tried to keep them pushed down but I am helpless to the onslaught of memories that are burned into my mind. I am always crying whenever I'm alone. The memories and thoughts are always there- waiting to hijack my beleaguered and tortured soul. My life is in ruins and I'm constantly calling out his name and asking him to please, please come save me from this hell. Why do I have to keep on living? There is no point to my exsistsnce now. Why do I have to just keep right on living and breathing? WHY?

I'm tired of calling out his name over and over again- only to be met by the indifferent and deafening silence. This is such a lonely and sad world without him. So hopeless.

Comment by rachel_micele on August 3, 2015 at 1:55pm

Hey Nicole,

As for my work situation, luckily I've been able to dictate it a lot. I'm a college student and at the time of Gary's passing I was working as student help for the College of Veterinary Medicine in the Diagnostic Lab. There are a handful of students, we all do the same things. I went from 5 days a week totaling 20 hours to 2 days a week totaling 5 hours. Just trying to finish out the semester was overwhelming enough for me when my concentration was pretty much worthless. 

My plans were to work for the lab full time over summer but I knew right away that was not going work. I applied for a summer job I had years ago for the Department of Transportation traveling around a quadrant of the state sitting at intersections doing traffic surveys. This would allow me to travel, get away, see new places, and most important, be alone virtually 100% of the time. I could not handle everyone else's world happily continuing on like nothing happened. It worked out I could still be at the lab 1 day a week so I decided to do that. I didn't have to work at the lab over summer to keep a job this fall and hindsight it would of been better to just take a leave for the summer. I thought I could handle an afternoon. No. Max was a couple hours. One day I just skipped going no call no show (it was a rough week), another day I made an excuse, and one day fell on a holiday. Having those days off showed how things there have been too soon. 

So my suggestion based on personal experience is listen to yourself and if you're not ready to go back, don't. If you can take advantage and afford time off give it to yourself. Maybe just try a partial day, see how it goes, and then make a decision of what to do. I did that the week after Gary passed. One of my counselors told me that for some people having a routine or something planned for their day helps. That was definitely not the case for me. After almost 5 months I may ... be experiencing the tiniest sliver of that. 

My summer job is ending early which would give 2+ weeks to work more at the lab before fall classes start. Since I am sitting fine financially, that option doesn't even make the consideration list.

Comment by morgan on August 3, 2015 at 12:14pm

Nicole,

I  kept working even right after because I needed to pay bills plus my position was pretty rigorous.  No one was trained to do what I did.  But I quickly remedied that (had to, I was falling apart)and did train someone during the seven months it took to extricate myself and get them up to speed. I am now 63 (then I was 61) and I have not returned to work since then.  I can't focus well enough to do a job.  Age, stress, and I wouldn't want to try and do something and fail.  Can't withstand situations where I need to be responsible anymore.  

I sold our home and used it to buy a couple houses that I have rehabbed and can live simply on what I have done.  Do what I can when I can but nothing for anyone else.  I am attempting to do an Etsy thing but it is slow in coming.  That's it.  

I would think a dairy might be a good place to find some solace though.  Earthy, natural, a connection to organic surroundings.  Mine was international business with way too much focus on unimportant crap.  

Maybe slowly?  Part time?  Your work would be way more soothing I would think.  Definitely giving back to Mama earth in a big way…….your husband would love that eh?

Comment by morgan on August 3, 2015 at 12:01pm

Trina,

Meant to say "during his life with his family".  I reread what I wrote.  Definitely rambling.  Some days are worse, some are a bit better.  Still working on it…….…….

Comment by morgan on August 3, 2015 at 11:59am

Trina,

A year since your man was taken from you.  A ceremony in Ithaca to return his ashes to his birthplace.  It will definitely be a highly emotional time.  

I did  family service about a month after he died and the best thing I did for myself then was read something I had written.  Given the amount of dysfunction that had occurred during his life with his daily I finally told the truth.  Only one of 8 siblings has since stayed in contact with me full time and one partly.  That is really ok with me.  I have cut strings that were dangling.  I didn't and don't need any more heartache.  I still have the ashes and keep them in my bedroom.  They will be probably going to the grave with me.  I could not bear to part with them.  I'm still not able to detach from some things.  I probably never will and that too is ok with me.  

Maybe keep a small amount for yourself.  If I write anymore I am going to start crying……..ok, I already am.   I wish you godspeed.  Buy some flowers and press them or dry them later. 

Comment by nicole irving on August 3, 2015 at 7:35am

may i ask at what stage did everyone return to work, im confused whether to go back or take more time, i feel like i should be trying to go back but at the same time have some very messy days when i really dont want anyone around me, and my job is a love that mike and i shared together, i know its going to get to me even thou i love it. i have no idea what to do  :(

Comment by nicole irving on August 3, 2015 at 3:46am

that is going to be a very difficult thing to do Trina, half of mikes ashes are going to new zealand to his mum, its nice but also breaking my heart

Comment by Trina Mamoon on August 3, 2015 at 2:26am

It'll be one year on August 4th that Joseph left this world. I don't know how I passed this unbelievably cruel and heartrending year. I think unless something is physically wrong with your body, no matter what unspeakable mental and emotional anguish you experience, there is no death. The body can endure an amazing amount of punishing emotional pain and suffering. Like so many of you on this forum, I have cried rivers of tears, have been living through inhuman mental torment, yet I go on living. My life has been reduced to nothing, no joy, only tears, loneliness, longing for Joseph and daily prayers for my imminent death. Is this going to be the rest of my life? The 25-30 years that I have left? What cruelty! What injustice.

I am flying to Ithaca, New York on the 3rd with a small jar of Joseph's ashes that I will bury in a park in Ithaca, Joseph's birthplace. There will be 18 of us honoring Joseph's wonderful memory and celebrating his beautiful life.

Joseph's life was full of poetry and literary flourishes, and in death too his story has a literary flourish. Like the ancient Greek hero of Homer, Odysseus, Joseph wanted to return to his birthplace Ithaca to be buried. Only in Odysseus' case, he was able to make it back to his beloved Ithaca after a 20-year-long voyage. In Joseph's case, I, his widow, will carry his ashes there to be laid to final rest.

I cannot even begin to imagine how emotionally charged the gathering will be. Maybe it will be cathartic? I don't know. I only know that I am fulfilling Joseph's last wishes. Until we meet again in the next life, I will wait; there is nothing else I can do.

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