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Comment by nicole irving on August 8, 2015 at 6:15am

John, yeah the loneliness....... i still have my son here but its still not the same

i started work last night, still having terrible trouble sleeping, work was ok, it is something i love but the thought of coming home was awful, knowing mike would no longer be here to greet me. i have spent the day today with my head feling like its going to explode, suffering serious nausea and not managing to be able to think or talk clearly and not being able to focus again. what i would do to feel even half human. i just want to be with mike, i hope i dont live til im 80 or 90, im not going to do anything silly and take my own life but i think if i got sick im not sure if i would get medical attention, it has been a very long life and i am sick of stuff like this happening to me all the time. but in the meantime i will do what i can to make mike proud and to show my kids that i love them. i miss  mike terribly, i just want him back.

this still feels like a bad bad dream.

Comment by morgan on August 8, 2015 at 12:44am

John,

Yes, the reality of how alone we are is the corresponding part of what just hit me this morning in my meltdown.  The breakdown told me one thing very clearly. I was loved and I no longer am. I am cared about by family and friends but love? No. That feeling I have only felt from one person and I no longer have it. Because of that I am totally alone.  I can hardly live.

Yes I go down in the hole less frequently than in the beginning but how long do I have to keep doing this? When I go down in the hole now I go WAY down. NO bottom. Keeping myself busy only amplifies the question as to why I should continue when I no longer have his love.  I needed his love.  Just how long is long enough when life has become so empty?

I guess I am tired. Just tired of hearing all the reasons why I should care to live when the only reason I had is dead. 

Sorry I write when I am in such a downer.  Day after day I keep experiencing some facet of grief and after this long I just can't see the value in continuing the struggle. I've done it this long to prove to myself and family that I have tried but I just don't see it. Just tired of the whole thing. 

Rachel~ I read his trilogy back in 1999 when my mother passed.  It was suggested by one of the hospice nurses. I found it interesting and it gave me a a good perspective at the time, some of which I incorporated into my thinking.  Mainly that there isn't just one messenger (i.e: a god) but that many people can and do bring messages into our lives.  Yet what I realize now is that love was the main message and though my mother loved me in her own way I am not sure she knew me.  The messages I received loud and clear were the ones my husband provided for me through his love for me.  I've never had love like that.  Not from my parents or my other family or friends.  I'll never have love like that again nor do I want it from anyone else.  I was loved and now I am alone.  That was clear this morning.  I was loved and I will never have that again.  

Comment by rachel_micele on August 7, 2015 at 10:31pm

"Once gain, I can't believe she's really gone."

Oh how often I say things like this to myself. Five months of saying it feels like it could be five years for all I can tell when the days just run together in an endless sea of confusing misery. A week or so ago I thought to myself that I don't know how long or what it's going to take for me to believe this. 

There's a part of me that doesn't want to get through this because then that means it really happened. The few slivers of sobering moments I've just started to feel is like I'm looking at this horrific crash from months ago and just now asking what happened. The severity of it starts to dawn on me.  

As I'm typing, the movie The Bucket List comes to mind. The scene where Morgan Freeman's character is talking about the emotions one goes through. I can't remember the exact sequence they scripted, maybe denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Anyway, the point is, I do remember acceptance was the last. Maybe that's how this hell works ...   

Comment by bluebird on August 7, 2015 at 9:11pm

John,

You are not alone in that; the same thing happens to me.

Comment by morgan on August 4, 2015 at 9:46pm

Tildyc,

Two and half years and reliving the trauma every 21st of every month. And how do I feel?  The same as you. Death can't come soon enough.  I have small slivers of relief, some just because I am distracting myself enough and others when I am too exhausted and my body just cant muster another meltdown.  

Like now, I made myself some chicken nuggets with a roll and a deviled egg, a small amount of smoothie and some chocolate.  Sitting watching America's got Talent.  My husband would have never had us eating processed nuggets and there would have been homeade bread and possibly a home baked pie.  Then I sit on the computer for hours reading, writing and passing time with no one to talk to.  This is what others call my getting better. I call it hell on earth.

Yesterday was such a bad day, the construction crew doing the water sewer lines cut my gas line and then when they came to fix it and  light the water heater they found it was hooked up wrong and left me without hot water. This was after I pleaded with them not to.  I melted into a puddle of water.  Found out after successive breakdowns that they had turned the valves off but not the whole gas line so I finally got it turned back on. Today I was SO exhausted from the trials of having to live through yesterday i just crawled on the couch and I'm still there. 

When does the every day struggle end?  I don't know, I haven't reached that point yet.  All I know is that after a day like yesterday I am no more prepared to live life than I was the day my love died.  Not because I can't get up and attempt living but because this isn't living.  I don't know what to call it but I know this is the hardest time of my life.  I know my surroundings look much the same but without the most important person being beside me I don't recognize anything.  

I wish all the time, not to have to adapt to these new surroundings and for a painless easy out but it is obviously not yet to be.  I don't know why and I am constantly tormented by his absence.  How to do it? One minute at a time hoping the next will be my last.  Getting more tired as life goes on.

morgan

Comment by Nancy on August 4, 2015 at 8:56pm

Love you, Tildyc. Everyday I login just to see that you and everyone are still here. Misery loves company? I hope our spouses don't know how much we miss them. I hope time is relative, and maybe they have just arrived at wherever they are. It would be hell to be dead and to know how much your spouse was suffering without you. If I was dead and knew that, it would make me so sad.
Sorry... Random musings...

Comment by Tildyc on August 4, 2015 at 12:22pm

6mos. I do not want to live anymore.

Comment by nicole irving on August 3, 2015 at 7:04pm

please dont stress Tildyc, i dont really have a positive attitude at the moment and i am usually very passionate, know where im going and how im getting there and what i want, and i have a vague idea but not really either. usually now i would be racing around working my butt off aiming instead of sitting around thinking about what i should do. i am usually very driven but not at all at the moment, i understand exactly where you are coming from. xx

Comment by Tildyc on August 3, 2015 at 6:08pm

Nicole- I apologize for my crappy attitude. I wasn't very helpful or encouraging. I am such an emotional mess anymore. I should be the very last person that should be doling out advise.

It does sound like a wonderful opportunity for you. Something you have passion for- which is huge. You see - for me that is a lost emotion now. So perhaps if you feel strongly about it.... ?

Once again, I am sorry. I only wish for you peace and the best of luck. Take care-

Comment by nicole irving on August 3, 2015 at 5:29pm

thanks Tildyc i can get by for another month or two but will need to go back eventually, but the problem is that my workplace needs the extra person there soon as its the busiest time of the yr, so i have to come to a decision, i would like to just work from home, but cant do that at the moment. i am worried about loosing the plot at work, dont want to become a mess in front of everyone and i have to be around everyone thats living 'our dream'.life sucks!!!

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