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Comment by nicole irving on October 13, 2015 at 6:09am

morgan, totally understand the killing yourself naturally, yep turned it a chain smoker nearly, constant cough that i should get checked but i dont care enough about myself to care, when my time comes , my time comes

Comment by morgan on October 13, 2015 at 1:57am

 

(part 2)

It's just the intention of it has changed.  It has become more real because the fog lifts enough to see that the same world we lived in with our husbands that was pretty crappy then was still tolerable because we shared the disillusionment.  Now I see the same world sticking its finger in my eye and rather than only cry,  I still cry AND I plan to get even by taking something from it that it might have wanted and that is my participation in it at a level where everyone thinks I should.  And I wont.  I have to do only enough to pay bills.  That's it.  

 

For the moment, and I can count hours not days where I feel like (as Nicole said) I am not a train wreck I can try to be more clear about what this grief has done to me.  I can see progression but it is not as though the process is so much better.  Its just you get used to the fact the pain is there to stay.  Less often in the most harrowing ways but never really goes away.  Something that I wrote down the other day I think is operative.  There is just a helplessness in the face of grief that never stops.  No one, nothing makes it better.  It's just there.  Chipping away day by day until we are released from this prison of living without the one person who made it possible to like what we are surrounded by.  I don’t think I envy people who manage a way to get back into the fray and find a way to live I just don’t understand how they do it.  I think for some people living without the love of their beloved is just too overwhelming.  I needed his love.  I don’t want to live without his love.  Beyond the crying, the matter of fact is, I want out and I will do whatever I can to help hasten the process.  I hope it is having an effect.

 

 

 

Comment by morgan on October 13, 2015 at 1:55am

Tildyc-  (part 1) I think I am killing myself slowly.  Over the period of years I have had to trod this damnable path I have done everything I can think of to stress my biological body. At first I did a lot of dehydrating.  As a result my skin is very flaccid and now has turned very scaly.  At first I hardly ate and then I decided to eat as few calories as my brain would allow me and I can now pretty much stay less than 1500 calories a day.  As a result my body mass index has had to go to my muscles for energy so I can see a wasting.  My bones protrude more and I can see a hollowing in areas that used to look like they had something under the flesh.  Now not so much.  I try to move around and do physical things so as to burn more calories so it hastens the BMI reduction.  My veins are beginning to raise in my arms more and more and now in my fingers.  My assumption is that the skin is getting thinner and thus I am not giving it the nutrients it needs.  

I do eat and halfway healthy if for no other reason is my husband used to cook healthy foods so I don't like a lot of bad foods but I do not care anymore whether I eat processed foods or have caffeine etc.  I used to be a lot more careful about what I consumed and did. Now I try to do as much the opposite as I can.

I believe it is taking its toll.  It may take awhile as I was too healthy to begin with before my beloved died but now I am determined to cause injury by giving my body all the wrong things.  I guess I will see but I know I don't feel as good as I used to and I am having some issues with my throat and a possible harder than normal gland in the lower jaw area.  I keep hoping that since my weakest spot was always my throat that I can give myself cancer.  

Pretty sick huh?  To have decided to do what I can and really tackle it so as to kill myself naturally but as quickly as I can is not who I ever was.  And as the time passes the desire to leave earth is not diminishing.  I have definitely seen longer stretches of time now in between where you are now which was the same place I used to be.  The absolute inability to see any reality of what I used to understand as common place in my former life did not return to me for at least two years.   Everything was just totally surreal.  I could not connect to anything and could care less to. Now I do see glimpses of reality and I connect to doing things periodically without living in a total whiteout condition but caring about it has never returned.  In fact if anything it has been supplanted by a total rejection of living this crap now that I have a better handle on it being my reality and caring about life or anyone in it is a joke.  A bad joke.  One in which I ask my husband how he expects me to continue this and where in the hell is he.  The question of how he could leave me behind is no longer asked in a quest to have him answer me but more as a personal decision to hate life even more because he did.  As the reality of this trauma continues to set in and the surreal part of it fades I am getting more and more hateful.  I despise life.  I hate everything it contains and the notion that I am being forced to put up with it all. 

Comment by Tildyc on October 12, 2015 at 10:32pm

Nichole- Financial issues on top of this loss is so unbearable. I've been going through this BS myself. All I could do was just work more and more. Which is exhausting. The grief takes so much of our strength and energy- it's damn near impossible to find something-anything more to give. Especially if you have to paste on the face of being ok- HA! But I had no choice. No one has my back anymore. Like it sounds for you. I'm so so sorry and I wish it never happened for you or I. I don't pray anymore so I just want to say I will be thinking of you. Try and take care.

Comment by Tildyc on October 12, 2015 at 10:22pm

Angela- "Time alone perpetuates the pain". Agreed. But I can not bare to be around folks anymore. The meaningless conversations and those who do not realize how good they truly have it to live in the world of the "unaffected". Within a few moments I feel the need to get away. Not at all how I used to be. But now- nothing much matters anymore. Almost everything is not that important anymore.

So... I avoid most everyone. Alone is extremely lonely and I hate it. My time used to be filled with Mark and "us" and sometimes our friends. Now- I do everything alone because my best friend is gone. Those friends are gone. Without him I will never be whole again. I cannot heal. I'm not exaggerating about this. It is my unavoidable truth. And I hate it.

Comment by nicole irving on October 12, 2015 at 6:32pm

hi all, i was going to ask how you were but that would be a silly question........ how are any of us! i thought i was starting to go ok there for a month or so but now at about the 5 mth mark, i am a total train wreck, once again crying very reguarly, crying myself to sleep, i have lost all drive and have no idea how to improve my situation, i am having serious financial trouble now that i am now on a part income instead of the full and part. there is a court hearing coming up to "prove" i am mikes domestic partner because by law i should have been living with him an extra 3 months to be considered his defacto, and to make matters worse i have to fight his seperated wife for what mike would have wanted me to have, some of his kids have been treating me reasonably well, others quite badly, i am suffering super bad depression , im working at a job i love but think i may have to find another to make ends meet, i miss mike 24/7 i wish he was still here, i still dont understand why this happened. i have no idea how im going to cope with another 50yrs of this, feel as thou once my son is raised and both of my kids are settled my time here is done.

Comment by Angela on October 12, 2015 at 4:17pm

Tildyc, I hear your plea. I can relate in my own way. The pain is excruciating. The longing unbearable. I miss my Tom so much. I try to keep myself so busy In order to distract my mind....it doesn't always work. Time alone perpetuates the pain, intensifying it...as if it weren't bad enough.

Tom is always in the forefront of every thought and action. Without him here it is all so incongruent. Broken.

Comment by Tildyc on October 12, 2015 at 4:01pm

Or run into an iceberg. Or an avalanche. Or a pack of wolves.

JEEZSUS- It's obvious I've lost my mind - gone totally crazy. This has been so GD hard . But honestly- I just want to go be with my Mark. And that is all I want.

Comment by Tildyc on October 12, 2015 at 3:48pm

I dunno- I spend a lot of my time alone now out on the water in my skiff or in the woods hunting. Basically trying to escape reality.
Perhaps I'll get lucky and have a boating accident or accidentally piss off a bear? Ha-

Comment by Tildyc on October 12, 2015 at 3:42pm

Morgan-
"Being without him is killing me."

I wish that were literally true. I wish this grief was like a disease that would actually end my life. To make my heart stop beating and to steal the breath from my lungs. To kill me.

Yet- most unfortunately, I continue living this life of overwhelming grief. It is so permanent and unescapable. No matter what, it is always, ALWAYS there.

I still compulsively say his name either out loud or in my head- a thousand million times a day. Every direction I look or that my mind turns, it's another memory that hurts. Even the happiest of memories of him/us have now become only painful and tearful reminders. Like salt being poured into my raw, open wounds. There are no fuzzy warm feelings of comforting remembrance. And that.....really really effin sucks.

The reason for that is- With his dying, all those beautiful memories that once were good have been stolen from me and destroyed. Obliterated. Now they only seem to deepen and refresh my feelings of loss. The past is a fucking boneyard where I find no solace. Only deep yearning, tears and endless loneliness. My world has gone completely and hopelessly dark. For the rest of my entire life.

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