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Comment by Tildyc on November 23, 2015 at 11:20am

I hate when I cry all night. I look so horrible and puffy. And everyone just kinda stares and some think its important to let me know exactly how bad I look. Like I don't already know. "You look tired today" That's the understatement of the frickin year. I feel ugly and broken. I just want to crawl into the deepest darkest hole and stay there. I don't want to be seen and I don't want this stupid life.

Comment by Hilary Christene on November 22, 2015 at 6:23pm

The "what are you holiday plans?" has started.

Comment by Tildyc on November 19, 2015 at 12:44pm

Yes- I even knew a couple here in my little town who died within a yrs time. They were in their mid to late 60s. They where together since high school. The surviving spouse-the wife- died of an unexpected heart attack within a year. She was healthy but very sad.

So- it should be my turn soon. Please let it be me next.

Comment by bluebird on November 19, 2015 at 6:05am

Sammie,
I have heard of and read about that as well, and I don't understand why it didn't happen to me. I truly wish it had. I am pissed off that it didn't.

Comment by Sammie on November 18, 2015 at 10:27pm

I was reading a story about the parents of a former NFL player they died of heart attacks within an hour of each other It is a real condition called "Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy" or broken heart syndrome. It most frequently occurs after losing a loved one. So I'm asking myself what I'm doing wrong I wish my heart will break idk why I'm not that lucky ..

Comment by George H on November 18, 2015 at 5:58am

Yesterday was 38 weeks that Mary's been gone my life just total shit I can't seem to do anything anymore I don't care about anything anymore I thought it would get a little better but obviously that's not going to happen I don't know how to survive the loneliness but I'm still here doing what I can

Comment by rachel_micele on November 17, 2015 at 11:17pm

Ms. Morgan. How I hear your pain. Your post screams of it. Two years and nine months ... I'm so sorry. I can't imagine to be in this hell that long. As my last blog mentioned it's only been 8 months. I feel like this has become my entire life yet I'm so damn baffled it's only been 8 months. I don't understand what is happening to me.

I have been so grateful for your words. I'm grateful for every person here. As you list off the names from the top of your head, I'm familiar with nearly every one of them. Made me realize just how much I lean on this website for any ounce of strength in this hell.

Spring classes will be rearing up shortly and I'm starting to feel as I felt in August. Life is trying to pull me ahead. I can't go. I can't move. So I'm dragged mercilessly, grudgingly, and lifelessly. The end of this year was the time I foresaw moving out of my apartment and into mine and Gary's home, if not before. That was the point we were going to finally, really be together and start our list of somedays. I was so ready and eager. I feel so few people can truly understand this spin of my loss. And now I spit on life. I curse life. I struggle to even care. I wish I could inflict to it, like a serial killer (I feel morbid saying that), the torment and pain it has put on me.

Comment by nicole irving on November 17, 2015 at 5:17pm

6mths today since my world turned upside down, 6mths since i lost my best friend and soul mate, feeling physically and emotionally sick, my life will never be the same, i will never be the same

Comment by morgan on November 17, 2015 at 2:15am

How can he be dead?  How can he be gone? How am I supposed to continue living?  I don’t want to do this anymore.   I want to touch him.  Wrap him in my arms and hold him.   Touch his lips to mine and feel the fire. 

This is not right.  I do not belong here. 

The crying has finally lessened.  I can go a full two days before the cork blows.  But when it does, I find myself having to start over again.  When each morning comes I still have to find a way to open my eyes when all I want is to have them never open again. 

Two years and nine months of this….  to move from the point of desperation to this newer attitude I now have.   A hatred I now live with.  A boiling inside of me.

I was so desperate to try and find a way to honor his life and not take my own so all I did was crawl along for two and half years waiting for the pain to subside.  It has.  A bit.  But just in the last three months. It is now replaced by extreme exhaustion and a burning hatred of everything.  I am vicious in my hatred.  Determined.   Not outwardly to others but I avoid everyone so they think I am a snob.  Inwardly I am seething.   Not at anything or anyone in particular just at everything.

 What it is, is I am so deeply opposed to living I want nothing to do with anyone or anything.  It is different than the desperation.  It is a premeditated action that is growing in me to isolate myself even more because I want to die and I can’t.  So I hate…...  A hatred that I have been forced to pull on this mask and pretend that I am participating in their universe when I don’t even live there.   I barely have two people left who talk to me.  I guess I just want to plan for when I do depart no one will have to feel any hurt.  They can just be glad they don’t have the task of caring about me.  I’ve convinced myself it will hurt less. 

I think I am spiraling into a new phase of this grief and it isn’t pretty.  I am reading but not writing much.  When I come on the site and I see all the new blue boxes and I read them and see the new people who are now having to carry the hurt and pain we are all living with I just want to crawl in a hole.  I can’t stand to feel the loss.  I read their stories and hear their pain and knowing what it is like and what it has been like for me I am beyond words. 

Yet I have been so grateful for everyone’s words.  I come to read your words and know that the words expressing our feelings mean so much to each of us.  Hilary and Rachel and HollowHeart all of your words have been profound.  And when I see Tildyc, and Trina, Bluebird, Anne and Sara again and I think of John and George and Nicole and Linda and Joanne who are sort of new and how Mel is hurting and Michael Thompson and I know I am missing others but I honestly am finding it hard to bear seeing more people come here because I know their pain and I ask myself over and over. Why do we have to deal with death?  Why after such love?  Why? Why? Why?  Why?  Why does this have to happen to us? 

Where did he go?  Why I am crying again?  OH Help. Me.  I just want out of here so badly.  Why can’t I die?  Why can’t it be me? I can’t understand how a body can take this much crying and still live…………

Comment by nicole irving on November 15, 2015 at 5:22am

Hi Joanne, sadly i have to say welcome to this site, only sadly because we are all here for the same reason, i am sorry for your loss, but here there are people that totally understand what you are going through. i lost my fiancee, soulmate, best friend to a sudden heart attack on the 18th of may. the pain is unbearable but we have to trudge on through. i miss him every moment of everyday.

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