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Comment by Michael on January 26, 2017 at 8:52pm

John,
Glad to hear of your experience. Im so alone i think daily of ending it all (no plan.) i think people who care for me near me might prevent that. I also fear that this incrdible stress will activate a small cancer and kill me. Id be ok with thar, except it would be painful, very. Im between rock snd hard place.

Comment by John T. on January 26, 2017 at 7:19pm

Michael,  I moved in with my niece and her husband after 4 months of being alone.  I had other options but living completely alone seemed to be the worst one of all.  I have my own apartment and it's private.  I keep to myself and they don't bother me.  They are always open and caring when I come out of my "cave."  It has worked out better than I could have imagined and at least I know there are people who really care nearby.  I fix my own meals, commune with the two cats, watch what I want on television, and drink more beer than I should.  I have time to read and to do whatever I want (if I ever want to do anything.)  I finally don't have to get up to go to work but, of course, I'm waking up at 4 a.m. now.  My place is a mess and no one has been in here for months but the cats.  The holidays were overwhelming and I couldn't avoid all of it but I wouldn't want to just sit by myself on Christmas.  You have to choose for yourself but it has not worked out badly in my situation.  Family can be better than the alternative of that overwhelming sense of being alone in the world.  I still feel incredibly alone, just not lonely, if that makes sense.

Comment by Michael on January 26, 2017 at 7:06pm

Kathleen, the moving in with her kids thing is an option. Id have my own "apartment." I feel so alone now. Im not adjusting. They tell me "we will get through this as a family." It sounds better than being alone 24/7, which is essentially my life now. Im kinda lost. Im retired so i dont even have a job to go to. I eat alone at a local bar and dilly dally here as long as possible to avoid going home. At least i can talk to a bartender.

Comment by John T. on January 26, 2017 at 6:16pm

Maxey, I've been a child and family therapist for 25 years and have gone to dozens of classes and seminars on grief over the years.  I have counseled people who have suffered a loss.  However, when my wife suddenly died I was totally unprepared for what it did to me, the emotions I felt, and the psychological impact it had.  I was completely devastated and unable to comprehend it all.  Oh, I understood the textbook stuff and my training may have helped others through their pain.  I was lost personally, however.  I had a psychiatrist look at me and say I was overreacting and that I should "grasp this process."  What empathy!  Everyone in my world seems to live in denial as if what happened to me could never happen to them.  I never realized how oblivious people are to death and how they avoid the subject.  No one really talks about it.  I don't omit myself from that either.  And I wrote my thesis on childhood grief!  When Diane died, I felt like I became a leper and most people seemed to flee when I started to speak or at least squirm uncomfortably.  Some people understood and reached out but no one really close to me.  I got more compassion and understanding from the young woman who checked groceries at the market than anyone.  She had lost both her parents in one year.  She knew the impact of this and was still feeling it.  I hope I did some good counseling grieving folks but even though I have experienced loss before, I was an amateur.  How little I really knew of death shocks me.  I never realized how debilitating and crushing to the spirit losing a life partner could be.  I am here because this is the one place where I am not judged for being crushed by my loss.  People really do understand here and I'm grateful for all of you.

Comment by kathleen akin on January 26, 2017 at 5:55pm

Maxey, I"m so sorry you are having a bad day. I do that too. When I do no one will hear from me.  I can't talk or do anything. The moment I wake up I know what kind of day it will be. And it's like CRAP, I'm still here! Why? Alone.

Why don't we as people know more about death? Everyone dies. Yet we are blindsided when someone we love dies. Why is it such a shock? I can't figure this out. We should know what's coming. We should be more prepared and know the steps to take. And friends and family should know too. They should know that "no we are not doing ok" and be ok with that.

I feel all alone too. I actually am all alone. My kids live in another state and I never hear from them. My parents are super old, so I don't have any expectations of them, but a phone call would be nice. but both are still alive and together so even they don't know what I'm going through and I don't tell them.

You're not alone. I'm here. Others are here too.

Comment by kathleen akin on January 26, 2017 at 5:46pm

Michael, don't move in with her kids. I went through a very painful divorce in 1995. My kids dad. left me for some 19 year old tart. Anyway, very painful so I packed up my kids and moved to Utah to live with my parents, who just wanted to take care of all of us. Big mistake. They say to wait a couple of years after the death of a spouse to make big changes. I believe it.

Michael, you do have people who listen and understand you. All of us here do. We are like friends who never see each other, but we get each other better than anyone else. I can't open up like I did earlier to anyone, including the therapist I tried to see for a while. She didn't get me. How could she?

I understand the lack of energy thing. Do I ever. I don't do anything. I had two beautiful and rare Crimson Bellied Conures that I adored and were a gift from Rocky. I neglected them to the point one of them started pulling out his own feathers. Still I paid no attention to them other to feed them. I had to give them to a gal I met on Facebook. Luckily it was the right thing to do...she could have been some jerk who sold them to the highest bidder. That happens. She is taking care of them until I feel better, if I ever do. All I do when I'm not at work is lay on the couch and watch whatever Netflix has to offer. I can do this all day, everyday. Not really like the old me. I'm not feeling desperate at the moment, so I don't know why I can't get up and move and do something.  I keep people away from me. I don't want to talk to anyone because they want me to start being happy Kathy again and that's  not what they are going to get.  I do talk here though because I know it's like you said, you understand completely.

Just know you have that too. You're alone, but not alone.

I was told that our loved ones still see us and want for us to be happy. I don't know what I believe. What do you believe? Do you think Roxanne wants for you to keep going, if not for you, then for her? I know Rocky wanted for me to keep going and to meet someone, to love again, to be happy again. He told me so.

So I'm hanging on to that. I don't know what else to do. It's not even 11 months yet so I am giving myself a break and letting myself go through the pain. I learned from my divorce, you do it now or you do it later. But you're gonna do it.

Comment by Michael on January 26, 2017 at 4:42pm

Kathleen
I have similar feelings. Thoughts about suicide every day, no actual plan. I am very alone. I think I have a couple friends left. Not working so the days drag on. My purpose, caring for Roxanne, went with her. Her kids want me to move in with them, but that involves a major move that i dont have energy for. Not sure why I'm posting other than to say I understand you.

Comment by kathleen akin on January 26, 2017 at 4:24pm

I might as well put down my feelings as of late. The low, steady, never ending hum of depression. I'm not feeling suicidal like I did a few months ago. It's something I still think about it, but am not making plans now. At least for now. It doesn't shock me to think like this as I have all my life had thoughts called "suicidal idealization". I've been bipolar my whole life, even as a child. So this is all normal for me. But it became my way of comforting myself when we first learned about Rocky's cancer and that he wouldn't last a year.  I had more panic then than I did when he died.  I think I had worked through a lot of it before hand.

I'm more numb than anything. On Wellbutrin which puts me in a hyper state that makes me shop. I want to talk to someone and shop. Those are what's driving me nuts now. I talk to Rocky in my head all day long. Sometimes I talk to my daughters. I have entire conversations with them, explaining this or that and why it's like this. I don't leave the house, I online shop and then mess around with what ever got delivered to my house a few days later.

I have no life. I work all week, don't ever let anyone know what's going on with me. If you were to walk in my office and see me, you'd never know what was really going on in my head. I probably appear really happy in my life, fulfilled and complete. The  opposite of what I am. Even when I think about living the rest of my life alone, I don't get emotional. I try to figure out a way to make my death look like an accident so that my kids don't get harmed by my suicide. I like to plan it all out. So stupid, I know. But it comforts me in that I don't HAVE to live out this dumb life I've got now.

I was so happy with Rocky. He made me happier than anyone ever had in my whole life. I met him later in life and we had 13 years together. The only time I was happy and not thinking about my own death as a hobby. He knew what went on in my head and could pull me out of it so easily. He loved me so completely. He filled my days with happiness and joy. No one ever did that before.

Like all of you, I want to be where he is. But where is he? I want to think that he's in a wonderful place and that he's healthy and happy. But I don't really know where he is? Where is my faith in God and heaven?

Sorry, I know I'm just rambling. This is what antidepressants do to a bipolar mind. When I'm not like this I'm numb. I feel nothing.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 26, 2017 at 3:01pm

Hi Maxey,

I know what is like to wake up every morning and it's the same old, same old, missing my beloved husband. All I do is still live with our memories of the great times we had. The only time I will be happy to wake up is when I join him.

Comment by Maxey on January 26, 2017 at 1:55pm

Hi, I am having such a down day today, so I thought I would come to the only place where I can be myself. I wake up every morning and the realization, after almost 16 months, hits me and totally debilitates me. I don't want to get up and face another day, I pull the covers over my head and try to talk to myself. I tell myself to get up and do something to disrract the pain. I am getting very close to the edge. I sometime think I may be on the fringes of a breakdown. Some days I think, "okay, I am going to make it through this.", but, today, I am contemplating how to get out of this life for good. I know this constant "seesawing" is not good for mental health,but nothing seems to help. Today, I feel like that person who is left as the sole person on the planet - alone, lonely, sad, and hopeless.
Thanks for listening to this very sad sack.

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