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Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 27, 2017 at 4:28pm

Beautifully put, Kevin: "so I can run to my beautiful wife and we can renew our vows in eternity." The day will come, my friend. Hang in there!

Comment by Kevin Bailey on April 27, 2017 at 8:34am

It is sad Trina but it is our truth. When my wife was here I'd dream about the good times that we would have when the kids finally cleared out. How I could really turn all the attention to her and spoil her, take her out and have date nights, you see we couldn't do those things raising four kids. Now that she's gone, it's hopeless, I mean I really love my kids but they have their own lives and I don't want them suffering with me. I'm just counting down my time here in this new prison. Waiting to be released so I can run to my beautiful wife and we can renew our vows in eternity.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 27, 2017 at 2:51am

I just read the recent posts and wanted to say how only this evening I was thanking the universe that we humans are mortal. Whether it takes another 30 years (and like Jackie the thought of another 30 years terrifies me and saddens me beyond words) or one more year, eventually we will all die. Death is a certainty, it's not an "if," but a "when" question. As Crystal said, we are going to see them again. This knowledge and faith that I will be reunited with my Joseph sooner or later gives me the strength to make it through one more day. On days that it gets really bad--and it happens several times a week--I comfort myself with the thought that as unlikely as it may be, it is not impossible that I will die in one year from today. I don't think I should be so lucky, but there is absolutely no guarantee that I will not die in the next year or two. Isn't it sad how bereaved people like us find courage and strength in the thought that some day our time will come, we will be released from this existence that is sheer torture and agony?

Sending good thoughts to everyone here. Peace.

Comment by Jackie cooke on April 27, 2017 at 2:10am

Your so right, a charade describes it exactly, just pretending all the time. I to have been left with not knowing how to do the bills, there is no money anyway now, I never did any of the finance stuff and the suddenness of her death meant there was no preparation. Sometimes I fell like just walking away from it all, just walking and wAlking

Comment by morgan on April 26, 2017 at 11:08pm

Digging deeper in my hole again........of course I'm not sure I mean, again......it seems like i think I emerge but then there I am again........digging furiously so I can escape. 

This is the hardest, most painful, most misunderstood existential life crisis I have ever tried to manage.  I am constantly questioning why?  Where?  How can this be?  

I am not finding answers and it just keeps dragging me through the abyss.  I get a few hours of distraction. Almost like being high on work.  And then something will make me remember how things were.  And then I get angry because I find that all this busyness is so senseless.  

How long can a person (like me) who cannot manage their grief consistently (enough to think that they want and can live a reasonable life).......exactly how long do we last given the stress of what this is doing to my body.  How long will I have to keep up this charade because that's all this is.......a charade....

Comment by Kevin Bailey on April 26, 2017 at 10:42pm

I was in denial even when they was talking about hospice. I was thinking she's not going anywhere, we're in recovery mood but I do need a nurse to help me with some things. Cancer is a wicked disease and it took my beautiful wife through so much pain and misery until her small body couldn't take anymore. I do find comfort in knowing that she's no longer suffering here on earth. I accepted the fact that this pain is a part of me but I do also find comfort in knowing that we'll be together again. I do see her sometimes in my dreams but in my dreams I don't realize that she's gone and I'm acting normal. There was visions as I call them and in my visions I do realize that she's gone and I'm hugging and kissing her and telling her how much I love her and I'll wake up crying afterwards. That only happened like twice. I wish so bad to have another vision but had nothing for awhile.

Comment by Kathleen Jordan on April 26, 2017 at 9:40pm

I soo believe that....I see him, or feel him every day...It's hard to stay posititve...but   it works

Comment by Crystal on April 26, 2017 at 9:23pm

Yeah, Ben was told 5 months at christmas, but he made it 3 months. It was fast and aggressive. He was on hospice for 1.5 months. He was up and walking around after his brain surgery in july, did great all the way till chriatmas, but the cancer came back with a vengeance. I feel for you. But we are going to see them again. That's what keeps me going.

Comment by Kathleen Jordan on April 26, 2017 at 9:01pm

Crystal...you were lucky to have enough  time to learn while he was on hospice....I had 3  whole days of coherence.  But, I seriously did appreciate  it, even though he thought he was going to make 6 months

Comment by Crystal on April 26, 2017 at 5:40pm

Same here. I've never been on my own. His beING on hospice , though he was able to stay at home, he was completely immobile, so I learned how to do all the things most men would do naturally, even paying bills, which I never have done. So he basically prepared me for this, because he still supported me and was able to help me when I would get stuck , so Im grateful for that, it's liberating and terrifing all at once. I know I CAN do it, I just don't want to.

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