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Comment by Lorna J McNickles on April 20, 2014 at 10:27pm

having a very hard day/night again.... so much going on, and all of it, every bit, tied to the pain of this loss... My two girls.. it's been over three years now.  And I have a house rebuilt on the same property that the fire took place.  brand new and absolutely beautiful.  I put so much of ME into that house.  But I cannot move into it.  every time I am there I have flashbacks, either of the fire, or of all my children playing in the yard... and I get completely frozen.  I can barely move.  I can hardly breathe.  Sometimes it becomes a full blown panic attack.  This weekend, my new husband and I were over at the house (after being there all day yesterday as well) doing touch up painting, and installing a few light fixtures so that we can put it on back on the market to try to sell.  I left for a  few minutes to take my four year old to use the bathroom at the local store.  And when I came back, my STEP daughter, who HAS NEVER MET my two girls, only heard about them from myself and my children, broke down into tears and said she feels like IF they had been there, everyone would be alive, and ok.  SHE feels guilty...  And I have to stand there, reassure her that what has happened could not have been prevented by HER (she is 13 years old), and hug her and hold her to make HER feel better.  Now, I truly don't mind doing that.  I love it, in a way, that she feels that deep of a connection to my girls, and to me.  but I am SO TIRED of having to be the strong one.  So tired of feeling like I just have to keep holding it all together, keep moving forward and 'do the right thing' because everyone needs MOM to be MOM. 

After we finished the bit of work we were there to do, we came home.  Hubby started a small fire in our little metal fire pit outside, to roast hot dogs (we had done our 'formal Easter brunch earlier in the day with my in laws) and I made a couple things inside to go with the hot dogs..   We ate.. cleaned up a bit, put the younger kids into bed.  a bit later, I asked my hubby if the fire pit was taken care of- like as in NO MORE embers, no more flames, etc... He said no.. but assured me that it would be ok- as the top was on and no embers can 'get out' of the pit...   Here I am OVERLY overwhelmed by the day already.  So I said, I think we need to take care of that...So, what does he do?  He calls our (my step) 15 yr old son who isn't very responsible or truly attentive to directions even... and attempts to make him go take care of it.  Hubby was tired, almost falling asleep already..   So I just looked at him before said 15 yr old even got to where we were, and said "I will take care of it..."    Which, in reality, is no big deal... except for the fact that the house that burnt down was started by just a 'stupid ember' -- and I am already totally feeling overwhelmed and awful.  Hubby just said sleepily "are you sure?"  I said "Yup"....   he is tired... I get it.  But I am so so so tired of having to be the one to be strong. to take care of it all... to motivate everyone.. to do do do do do and keep doing even though I feel like I am dying inside...  We are supposed to go on a family vacation in less than two weeks, and I want to run away!!!  I don't want to have to be responsible.. I don't want to have to try.  I want to sit around and just CRY.  this sucks.

 

Comment by Debra A. Whitemaine on April 2, 2014 at 3:25pm

Lorna and Anne,

I am so sorry for your losses.  I can't even imagine the sorrow and pain you deal with.  My heart goes out to you both.  My thoughts and prayers.

Comment by anne on April 1, 2014 at 7:14pm

Dear Lorna, I feel the same way. The day my little boy died in a car fire still haunts me to this day. I can't help thinking things would've been different if only I had drove that day. I also have buried 2 of my precious children. Both from car accidents. It's been a long time since my boy died in that fire but I still can't stop the guilt. I've learned to live with it but the reality of it all gets to me. When I'm feeling down I try to keep myself busy because there's nothing I can do to change it. I do however find some peace here and there, and I hope you do also.

Comment by Lorna J McNickles on March 31, 2014 at 10:46pm

Having a rough day today.. three years ago I lost my two 'older' daughters, Nataliew as 11, and Kelsey was 6.  We woke up to start our day, and the house was on fire.  the fire was right next to their bedroom.  I got the other three young children out, and my older son was down stairs, but I couldn't get back to the girls before there was black smoke from floor to ceiling.  I am broken tonight.  My heart hurts so unbearingly.  And even though my life has significantly improved in the last few years, the pain and loss I feel is so huge.  I struggle with guilt, because I allowed my EX husband to come and work on something in the house, and it is believed that his work is what caused this fire.  My son had removed the battery to the smoke detector, so there was no 'warning' .  My girls had asked me that night if they could sleep with me in my king sized bed.  Rationally, I can THINK it thru and know it was not anyone's FAULT.   but emotionally, I am floundering a lot right now.  My children mean so much to me.  and for two of them to just be suddenly gone has been so immensely life changing.

Comment by dream moon JO B on March 17, 2014 at 4:57pm

me 2 anne 

wn iv bean low uv picket us all up 

Comment by Connie K on March 15, 2014 at 5:40pm

Anne

You always give me hope. (((Anne)))

Comment by anne on March 14, 2014 at 10:54pm

Your sisters may not be here on earth, but they are still there for you. Once the grief begins to subside you will feel their love in your heart. You will always have them with you, just in a different way. I waited for a long time to be able to feel the love of my boys again. The wait was worth it. Now when I need to the most I can feel their love within my soul. I didn't believe that I would ever feel them again. Then one day when I was once again scrapping the bottom of the barrel there it was. My heart swelled with warmth, and the sounds of their laughter. I never would've believed it if it hadn't happened to me. Since they can't be here with me in the flesh at least they are here with me in spirit, and to me that's much better than not feeling them at all. May the peace that passes all understanding be with all of you!

Comment by Danny on March 14, 2014 at 6:04pm

Superb Connie. Thanks ! Yes parents can be heard and can listen. Yup, its all part of the continuing bond.

Comment by Debra A. Whitemaine on March 14, 2014 at 6:03pm

Danny,

You are welcome and hang in there.

Comment by Danny on March 14, 2014 at 5:30pm

Thanks a lot Debra.  Indeed I never knew how my life would change so drastically.  But as you said I can't do more. 

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