Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Anita Kelly on June 23, 2010 at 7:44pm

Hi Ken

My God I am so sorry for your loss. My sympathy to you & your family. I joined this site & it does seem to help me. We are all on this site for the same reason, we are all here for each other. Everyone understands what the other is going through. No one says to you My God you have depressed for a long time. or are you still crying like sometimes I hear from different people. I lost my husband October 26, 2009. I came home from work & found him on the floor already gone. I usually would come right home from work, but that day I ran an errand. I still beat myself up over this. I still see him lying there. it is like he is in front of me. If that wasn't enough, I lost my job 2 months later. Everyone seems to be moving on, I feel like I am still going in circles. It seems you are doing everything you can possibly do, you are there for your wife & she knows that. How is your son ? My thoughts are with you

Anita Kelly

Permalink Reply by melissa whaley on June 24, 2010 at 9:29pm

hi i lost my daughter last june the 30th due to a drowning she was 15. I know it is hard because everyone in a family deals in a different way and it sometimes pulls you apart from each other. I have a hard time talking with my husband because he is angry and i dont want to make it worse so i deal on my own in my own way. it is all hard and confusing. The only thing i can say is sometimes the grief is so strong that you can not feel anything else even for your spouse. The only hope i can give is that after a while if you can hang in there your wife will start to realize that she still has a family to be greatfull for. I am still deep in grief and it has been a year come next wends. Just hang in there your wife needs you so does your son just remember everyone just deals different. This is going to take a long time you just have to be patient and also make sure you are doing what you need to for your healing. I have found being with my son is the besy medicine. I know at first i was numb to all feeling xct toward him

Permalink Reply by Sabrina on June 25, 2010 at 12:59am

Ken

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I was almost a mother once, and I could not imagine the pain of losing a child. My heart is heavy for you. You are doing everything you can for your wife, people grieve in different ways and you are lucky to have each other and your son. You will get through this, in time. I lost my best friend/boyfriend 12/06/09 and I am so alone and by reading posts on this page, I realize that universally I am not alone, its a terrible pain to loose someone that has for one reason or another captured our hearts, and I only hope that the love that surrounds us helps us to heal the best we can.

God Bless, Sabrina.

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on June 26, 2010 at 3:02am

Ken,

I am so sorry that all of you are experiencing such pain. A sudden and unexpected loss is a shock. I don't understandwhy it happens either and no one has given me a good enough answer as to why this should happen to us. My partner died suddenly 25th September 2009.
My first thought was that I am glad your wife keeps talking to your daughter. Grief and loss has no rules, or rights and wrongs, so what she is doing is helping her still be with your daughter.
My biggest concern after reading your message is YOU. You lost a daughter as well and your pain is as great as your wife and sons. Who is worrying about you tonight?
Loss is strange, there were so many days where I wanted the pain to be more bearable, and now I seem to have moved into a numb phase. Should be a relief but it feels like everything amounts to a loss.
And, you are never going to be able to say all the right things but I bet that your caring, concern and sensitivity is making more of a difference than anyone is able to acknowledge right now. But you will be making a difference.
I have a 21 year old son and a 23 year old daughter, so my heart is with you with the loss of your baby and the grown up. XXX

Permalink Reply by mary black on June 29, 2010 at 8:11am

Ken,

I am so sorry. I just cannot imagine losing one of my children. It absolutely has to be the worst possible pain in the world. I joined the site a few weeks ago due to my sister's tramatic death. Sometimes I think we are just seeking validation and this site has been wonderful. It all just seems so senseless. Please keep coming back and maybe you can invite your wife to come on? Someone said eariler that we grieve differently and that is so true. we are all intitled to do that.

God be with you and your family. Again, I am so sorry!

Sending you many hugs and blessings,

Mary

Permalink Reply by Ken Ciolek on June 29, 2010 at 10:44am

Hi Sheryl,

Thank you for responding to my post. I am so sorry to hear about your son, I know exactly what you are going through because my wife is dealing with this in the same way. It is good to hear there is some light and that she will come around a bit. Don’t get me wrong, she hasn’t shut us out totally and like you said everyone grieves in there own way and hearing from another person who is going through the same situation really helps. One of the ways that she grieves and talks to my daughter is on her Facebook page, which I am glad because it allows her to get the grief out and at the same time I know how she is feeling. That’s what started me looking for these support sites because she would always mentions stuff and I think, we still have our son and keeps us busy but never mentions anything about him. Shortly after reading a lot of thee posts I began to understand that the bond between mother and child is a lot stronger then father and child so it is helping. She does have some good days where she is out running errands and other stuff. We just try and take it one day at a time.

Permalink Reply by Ken Ciolek on June 29, 2010 at 10:47am

Thank you everyone for replying to my post, all this information helps a great deal. I just can’t believe that there are so many people in this world dealing with something similar to us. I just don’t understand why God would do this to us, take away someone so special for no reason and expect us to live each day and go on with our lives. Life can be so cruel. Since the passing, a part of me is really starting to believe that we are here in hell and someday will all go on to that better place and be reunited with everyone.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 9, 2010 at 11:22pm

I am so deeply sorry to read about another tragic loss! I am suffering the tragic loss of my 21yr old son while riding his friends motorcycle. I lost my son in Oct. 2009 and my pain has only worsened and my anger. I am sorry that I dont have any encouraging words.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 9, 2010 at 11:59pm

One thing you can do for your wife is NEVER try to stop her from grieving, there is no textbook for grieving. Always let her know that you are sorry for her sufferation and her pain. When she is crying, just hold her hand or give her a hug and let her know that you feel her pain. Speak of your daughter often, especially all the happy, funny memories. I tell you these things because my husband(who is not my son's father) did not know how to deal with me or comfort me, he was always worried about hurting me or making me more upset. That wasn't possible because I was always hurting and upset. Dont take it personal when she doesnt want to talk or be cuddled, always listen to her, let her grieve the way she needs to when she needs to. Hopefully she will allow you to do the same.

Permalink Reply by Ken Ciolek on July 10, 2010 at 6:41am

Thank you Karen for reponding to my post. One thing I do is let her grieve and don't get in the way of that, there are so many times she would sleep or stay in bed all day and I would just let her. From going to the boards and reading from other mom's I understand the bond is different between mother and child, a lot I read is exactly how my wife is. A lot of the time her crying and grief is when I am not around. She seems to be strong and we talk about my daughter all the time, funny times, sad timesn etc. A lot of big events just passed for us, its been extremely hard and I try hard to be there for her but feel it isn't enough. A lot of times I am afraid as what to say or say the wrong thing or don't know what to say and most of time its nothing. Its frustrating to at times, my daughter has a Facebook page and my wife writes on her wall all the time, which I think is good because she gets out a lot of her grief and I know exactly what she is feeling but never mentions me about comfort or being there for her.

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on July 10, 2010 at 8:29am

Maybe,

the people we still need have something more to do....

I am a non believer, but it seems that what ever we do, under all the different circumstances, we are trying to make sense of something that should be different.

None of us should be here, and a heart beat for all the ones who are.

Permalink Reply by Jodi Denton on July 25, 2010 at 5:04am

I am sorry for your loss,truely. I wish I had more words of comfort than that but I found my son dead in bed just a few days ago and I am looking for someone to comfort me at this time.
The only advice I can give you about helping your wife is dont avoid her and ask her how you can help her.
Also ask your son what you can do to help him.

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