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Comment by Sophia Colon on June 15, 2012 at 4:34pm

Yes jb I do ... I sumtimes,try to block out these things but its so hard. I grow up with out a father so I know what my son is feeling and u. I lost,my dad also so this pain is coming from all over..

Comment by dream moon JO B on June 12, 2012 at 3:50pm

i no how u feal sophia im dreding it to me and my dad wer close evry tim i sea cards in th shoops it gets to me or caks with dad on or chocky bars with it on even the ads on tv i just wish he woz still hear to buy him sweats i bet you and yore son feal the same

Comment by Sophia Colon on June 11, 2012 at 6:52pm

Fathers day is coming soon and I hate this hoilday my son and I get so depressed he misses his father and I miss my soulmates...so sad thru the whole month...

Comment by Christine Sutton on October 16, 2011 at 3:16pm

Thank you Jeanne...your words give me some inner peace. When you say Steve would want me to take care of myself it touches me so very much because he was so supportive in that way. He was always making sure I got rest and ate. I am having a hard time on those fronts and I keep reminding myself, or trying to of Steve and how he was, what he would want, some of it really is very hard. And I have been told it takes time. I find myself never knowing what will trigger my crying spells...but they happen out of nowhere and often. If he is watching over me, he hates to see me in such pain, he would never want that. I agree the pain is pain no matter how a person you love goes. The added trauma of a sudden loss is just different, not worse or better. It all pretty well hurts the same, a whole lot. I wish I could really feel he was watching over me as you do..but try as I may, I am having a terrible time with that. I have begun to try to pray. I have set up an area with his items, some of his ashes and his lock of hair, pictures. I pray not to him but to a God I am unsure exists. I have done it every day for three days. I am only hoping it will help me with the faith part that has now been lost. Again. Thank you for your words...they give me much comfort...christine

Comment by Jeanne Potter on October 15, 2011 at 10:42am

Christine, you can not blame yourself for what happened in any way. I believe from what you said about your loving relationship that you will find that Steve died of some type of natural causes that he nor you had any control over.

I oftened wondered what is harder when you lose someone, to know ahead of time or to just lose them suddenly. I lost my father suddenly and always felt I never got to say goodbye. My husband had brain cancer and he lived for 16 months before he passed. In the end I was with my husband and I talked to him, but he of course could not respond. However it happens it is a very difficult situation to live through.

Lupus as you know is an autoimune disease and stress like you are under now is very bad for it. Please see your dr. and let him put you on something that will help you cope so you do not comprimise yourself. Steve would have wanted you to take care of yourself and you know it. You will be with him again and he is watching over you now I am sure. You have to rid yourself of guilt and just grieve for his loss and not all the what ifs and whys. We don't know why theses things happen and never will. We just have to learn to live with them the best we can.

Like I told you it is 10 months almost since I lost Harry and I still look at his pictures and cry like a baby. It is just that I miss him so much, but I also know that he is ok and I just have to learn to accept his physical being is not with me but I know his spirit is.

Please take care of yourself and come on and talk here anytime. There are so many of us that are going through similar feelings. It may just help you a little.

Take care, Jeanne

Comment by Christine Sutton on October 15, 2011 at 8:05am

Thank you Jeanne... lossing Steve with out a warning when I was the one in the hospital for medical problems is devistating. I keep going over and over what I may have done to help him. Maybe he woke up in distress..even for a moment and I would have known. They found him sound asleep with no signs of distress..that only helps me a slight little bit. I feel as if my presence could have saved him. Not yet knowing how he died tourchers me too. I wonder if he took his own life by taking pills, because he did have Bipolar Disorder and he had found his own father Dead by suicide when he was 16 he found he would never let a loved one find him like that, yet he knew I was in the hospital. Then again, he was obiviously sick wiht something, a few days before he said he felt as if a rat was in his body biting him all over, and he also couldn't walk two weeks before, the hospital didn't do much testing because on the next day he was walking and they sent him home with pain killers. I am sure you can imagine I have a million questions just latching on to my profound grief even more. As I mentioned I don't subscribe to a particular religion but I did have a strong sense of spirituality. I need my own form of prayer now more than ever, which I used to be able to do. I can't do it now. Or I haven't had the ability to try. Yesterday I gathered items in a little spot, items of his, pictures, a lock of hair, and the box with his ashes, I asked the universe and Steve's soul to help me find the strength to begin to accept. I did not feel the prayer in my heart but I suppose it was a beginning. I fake it until you make it gesture. I did it this morning too. But I am still overwhelmed with pain and shock. I still feel a strange sense of guilt and responsibility. If I didn't move in with my mother I would not be taking care of me, and since I have lupus, I need to at least try to do so. There are things I know he would want for me, but my fear of him being nowhere, gone from the world, just gone from everywhere, keeps me stuck in my apathy. Thank you for your writing to me. It helps so much to hear some hope from others who have been there...who are there. Much love, Christine

Comment by Jeanne Potter on October 13, 2011 at 4:01pm

Christine I am so sorry for your loss. It is the hardest loss there is and to have it happen without warning must be so difficult. I am coming up on 10 months and it is somewhat better, but I will get upset at the oddest times. I have found that the first year is probably the hardest. Different dates that have meaning etc. I hope you have family and friends nearby that can help you when you want them to. I say that because sometimes I really want to be alone and others I don't. You are very early in the process and at some point you will somewhat except it to a point. Just when i think I have I will have something happen that makes me start to cry out of the blue. Whatever you feel is what you feel and it is ok. He is in a better place and you need to take care of you. Know he will always be close by. One day you will be together again. It might help you to see a therapist for a while. I went a couple of months ago and he told me everything I was doing was normal and that there is no time when everything will just be ok again. It is just what works for you. I find myself talking about my husband all the time with people. People don't hesitate to talk about him in front of me because I feel he is more still with me when we talk about him. I still have his facebook page up and have not been able to take it down yet. I think I will make it a memorial page to him now that FB has that. I don't have any interest in having a relationship with anyone at this point and probably never will. I do miss the conversations with the other sex and have talked with men that are in my age group and expecially ones that have lost a spouse. I feel we have that in common and can open up about it better with someone that has gone through it. There are many people on here that are here for you anytime. Just say how you feel and ask anything, we have all gone through our losses and continue to grieve. Take care and hang in there, it will  start to get a little better in time.  Jeanne

Comment by Christine Sutton on October 13, 2011 at 2:33pm

This all just began for me... If feels everyday as if I am starting over and over again. Wanting him back, knowing he is the love of my life and I will never love another as I loved him. If feels as if it is starting, yet it feels like forever, still it feels as if it were yesterday. Can anyone relate or wrap their head around all those contradictory feelings. One feeling, even in death, I don't have for him is blame. No relationship was perfect. However, ours was as close as one could be. This was mostly because we both embraced and accepted, without conditions, our imperfections. Yes, we bickered. But the unconditional love was something so rare...and our marriage was too short (5 years). At 40 I found the love of my life, and suddenly, without any chance to say good bye, like a monster in the night, he was taken while sleeping. I wish I can at least believe he was somewhere beautiful, but I can't believe in anything anymore. I also can't see past my pain. Is this selfish. I am trying so hard to make it through, push it away, but this is impossible to do. And now I feel as if my entire life will amount to the emptiness of losing my life companion so early. Thanks for reading...Christine

Comment by Linda Gutierrez on August 31, 2011 at 10:45pm

Hey Roxydee, how are u? have'nt seen u on here in a while. Been thinking 'bout ya. send me a message k

Comment by Maura Simms on August 14, 2011 at 1:06pm

It occurred to me today to keep track of "Baby Steps" as we progress and backslide on this horrible aftermath path.  My baby step discovery today is that I actually cooked for myself for the first time since May. Ricky and I were avid cooks and having lost Ricky 6/6, haven't had any desire but I just woke up today, Sunday, and felt like having a home cooked meal and something I can munch on through the week, so I am roasting a chicken in the crock pot -- anyone care to join me?

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