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Comment by Gail Richardson on September 20, 2009 at 5:12pm

Hi Janice - I'm so sorry you are feeling so down at this time of year, however it is particularly special occasions which bring so many sad memories and tears. I haven't read all your story but can appreciate how much time you spent around hospitals - my daughter died from a genetic disorder called Fanconi Anaemia and we spent so much time around hospitals and emergency rooms. Grief is a terrible journey to take - we have to go along at our own pace and stumble as we go. But we will get there together and sharing our thoughts, fears, memories and sadness goes some way towards understanding the new 'normality' we are faced with. Sorry to hear about your health problems - I hope that your doctor will advise some counselling sessions if you haven't already tried that route. I hope that the rest of your holiday season will pass quietly and that you will feel the love of your very special Angel all around you. Hugs Gail x

Comment by Stephanie on September 20, 2009 at 4:31pm

hello special friends. we just had our special jewish new year. big feasts, family, stuff. but for me i was in such pain. i miss my jessy so much. she passed away 24 April last year (2008), at the age of 12. she had cerebral palsy.
to those of you moms who i read about what you could have done, if ever you have the patience to listen to my story, i will tell you how many things there were "wrong" with my perfect child. but i am beginning to understand that i am human and i did the very very best that i could for her, keeping her with me and looking after her for her 12 years here.

but i miss her, so so so sorely. i ache for her. i too, still have 3 children here, and i feel exactly as some of you have described, torn between them here and jessy in heaven, also like i dont know where i belong, wanting so to be in BOTH places. for now, i have to be here, and its hard, so hard. yes, each day i am still battling. my main "symptom" of my grief i think, is tiredness. i battle against it every day, as i HAVE to do so much for the other kids, i feel like i am falling asleep all the time. i have been for medicals, doesnt seem to be an explanation for it, so my doc says its probably PTSD. sorry, dont know what my point is. just hurting. love jan.

Comment by Gail Richardson on September 20, 2009 at 3:36pm

Comment by Gail Richardson on September 20, 2009 at 3:33pm

Tracie and Melissa - firstly my heart goes out to both of you - one at the start of this miserable journey, the other years down the line and still struggling to cope with the intense grief of losing a child.
I am so sorry you have to join this group - no-one would ever want to be a member of. But since we are here - I hope that we can help you both with the terrible feelings you are going through.

Tracie - my love you are still in the very first stages of this miserable existance we now find ourselves in. The next few months will be so difficult for you and I'm sure that there are many times when you will feel so desolate. Just remember that there are a wonderful group of people here who will be there for you every step you take. Never be afraid to ask for help and use this board to rant and rave at the world. We understand what you are feeling and hopefully will be able to understand some of the complex emotions you will go through.
Melissa - I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your son - sudden death is so hard to deal with and I can understand your feelings that you didn't do enough for him. But I would say that we tend to trust doctors and believe every word they say without question. You have to believe that you did all that was possible for your son - I had a lot of the same feelings when my daughter died in 2001 - so I really can understand where you are coming from.
I'm also sorry that both of you have also suffered other close family bereavements in such a short space of time - life must feel so difficult right now. I hope you can both find a little comfort here with people who really can understand what you are going through.
Hugs to you both
Gail x

Comment by Melissa Ann Smith on September 20, 2009 at 11:50am

I joined this group because I lost my eldest son on November 27 th, of 2005!!! He was only 18 years old, for crying out loud!!! I was living with my parents @ that time, & I awoke to them screaming for me, apparently they were trying to get my son Andrew to wake up because he was not breathing, face first on the living room floor, so naturally I tried to help them too, but nada would work, so I called 911 & the operator wanted me to turn him over & perform CPR on him, but he was way too heavy for me, or my parents to turn him over, so luckily, I lived on a street that had a fire department right on the corner, so it only took moments for them to get here to try to save my sons life, but they tried in vain, they pronounced him dead right there on my parents living room floor!!! So to make a long story short, he passed away in his sleep due to a seizure!!! He did have epilepsy, but as I look back on it now, I feel like I failed him because I feel like if I had known that he was that sick, I would of taken better care of him!!! THe neurologist is the one who I really blame for my sons death because he didn't do enough for my son!!! Not long after my son passed away, his neurologist left town, so that seems a bit fishy to me!!! Anyways, Not only did I loose my eldest son, who was my best friend, I also lost my beloved mother who passed away on June 25 th, of 2008!!! So please tell me how I am supposed to go on without the two most important people who meant everything to me??? I feel sooo lost without them...

Comment by Laura Villarreal on September 20, 2009 at 10:00am

Tracie, my heart goes out to you. My only child was killed on Memorial Day of this year...she was 33 years old. Like you, I have been lost and I don't know if I will ever be found. I want so much to be with her and yet know that will only happen when God says it will happen.
I do believe Brittany will need you now, more than ever. I know my daughter does...we are working on memorials for her; and I have also had to have wrong information corrected on her death certificate and the accident report. Though she was married her husband has been shattered by her tragic death and some things went unnoticed. I will always speak for my daughter...
Take care; sending cyber hugs to you and your children.
Laura

Comment by tracie parker on September 20, 2009 at 12:39am

When I joined the online grief support group site was a month ago, I lost my Granny and she was 90 , almost a month later to the day, I lost my daughter who was 19.

Comment by tracie parker on September 20, 2009 at 12:36am

Where do I start? I lost my daughter on Sept 2, of this year, or should I say I lost myself then too. I have to remind myself each day to get out of bed, then to put one foot in front of the other, and then the next task . I too long for Heaven more so now. I have 3 more children here on earth with me, and I know they need me, I know Brittany is safe in Gods hands and doesnt really need me anymore, yet I feel now that one arm is being stretched towards Heaven and one is being stretched towards earth. I no longer know where I belong. Or at least I no longer feel where I belong. I want to be in both places.

Comment by Jacob Michael scott McLeod-Steinmetz on September 15, 2009 at 1:12am

Gentle Widsom
Gentle Wisdom comes from learning.
Oh we learn more each day.
When people ask how we cope with our loss,
our wisdom echoes in what we say.

It wasn't very long ago when
I heard one woman say to another.
"How do you cope with such a tragic loss"?
Tears then stained the cheeks of the mother.

At first she didn't answer the woman.
For she stood there and cried.
"Oh I know this is killing you," the woman said,
"but in time the pain will subside."

The mother didn't respond to the question.
She wanted to scream out in grief.
Time could never heal her broken heart.
Time can never give her relief.

Yes, we learn from the wisdom of others;
In time the pain will surely heal.
But to this day the pain hasn't gone away.
So how can anyone know how she feels?

Once a mother heard the words;
"Your child is in a better place".
Is this wisdom to make her feel better?
Will it wipe tears from her face?

Words of emotion shared from others
make a mother ask the reason why?
When someone tells a heartbroken mother...
"Oh your child wouldn't want you to cry."

Then, there's the mother who lost her baby
before the child took it's first breath.
There is a void in the heart of any mother
when her child's eyes close in death.

And, when someone foolishly tells her,
"Oh it's much better this way."
That mother's heart is broken all over again.
By the words of "wisdom" that others say.

How many times must that mother
feel death's excruciating pain?
Words to ease her misery & heartaches
should be words easy to explain.

Yes, a mother who feels the empty arms
has a heavy burden to bear.
But what she learns through her tears...
Gentle wisdom allows her to share!

~Author~
Kaye Des'Ormeaux
Copyright 2000
Dedicated to the Mothers who have Gentle Wisdom

Comment by Laura Villarreal on September 14, 2009 at 5:06pm

Gail,
Thank you for the gentle reminder that grief is not to be rushed. And you are right about acceptance...
I will never get tired of hearing any words that are intended to help with the process of living after the death of a child.
~Laura

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