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Comment by kathleen akin on February 18, 2016 at 12:54pm

thank you Anita, & Peggy & Michael, and Jo. For your kind words. They mean a lot to me because I know that you know, just how this feels. I think this is going to be a hard few months coming up. I fight against it emotionally. I try to pretend it's all fine. But I know it's not. I feel like I have no reason to go on without him. My kids get angry at that, but they are grown and gone and live far away and I hardly ever see them. The only things I have are our pets. I know i have to keep going to take care of them.  I do worry that that won't be enough. I know myself very well and I know how I handle stress and abandonment. I've been through divorce, which is like a kind of death when it's something you don't want, and I crawled into a hole for a few years. But then I met Rocky and started to live again. He is special. To me anyway.

Thank you guys, you are so kind. I will try and keep up with all of you and how you are doing. I hope all of us can find a way to live again. That is my hope. I just don't know why we are not taught about death since it happens to everyone at some point. why is it such a shock? It always is! We should be used to this, but we're not.

Comment by Anita Jeffery on February 18, 2016 at 12:20pm

To Kathleen,  I just picked up on this thread and went to your profile to read your situation.  First, I'm very sorry that yet another person is going through all this.  Your situation sounds similar to my own.  However, my husband passed away 12/28/14.  He died at the hospital as a result of Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer.  He was only 58, and  like your Rocky, he deteriorated in the most horrible way as soon as he began chemo.  Despite having been given 6 months approx., he held out for almost a year.  I went to some extremes in researching and trying to find alternative ways to boost his weight and his strength.  One of the most horrible aspects of Pan. Can. is that apparently it completely takes away any real feeling of need or desire to eat.  My husband lost 75 pounds in that year.  He had always been somewhat overweight, but weighed 126 lbs. a few days before he died.  It was especially heart wrenching because we, together had always loved Christmas time, and had lots of traditions we developed over 34 yrs together. Last Christmas I felt I couldn't put up a tree, or even be home.  My son and I spent a week with some old friends who were very supportive and despite it being difficult, we got through it.  So, I want to say that no one expects to have to deal with this.  It is impossible to know the things to say not only to others, but to your loved one as you give them all your care.  I tried to get my husband to talk to me about what he felt, but I recognize now that about 6 months into it, he began to be accepting that nothing was going to save him.  I knew it too, but tried very hard to keep a glimmer of hope...because you just can't see when you are going through it how it will all play out.  It's been only 13 1/2 months that he's been gone.  I don't accept it.  I cry daily, but I attempt to keep going.  I can tell you that I know from my own experience, and reading, and seeing a therapist, that yes you will be grieving for a long time.  For me, life has taken on a pattern that includes dealing still with the fallout of losing the breadwinner of my small family, trying not to think too often about the possibilities that something will happen to my son, that there is another shoe waiting to drop.  I faced down, on the day he was officially diagnosed and given 6 months, that there was simply no part of my life that would ever be the same.  It's a daunting feeling.  But you get through it.  I can't tell you it will be easy in any way.  If there are people that are good friends, and ones you can count on, let them help you!  I have always had trouble asking for help, or even just accepting it, but you need to.  This change in your life will show you very quickly who your friends really are.  I chose to care for my husband alone until the end, which was fairly awful, and not how we had expected it to be.  I guess all I can take away from that, is that my husband truly was ready to go.   He actually said to me that it was time, and we needed to say goodbye.   He was in such terrible pain, yet after they got him to sleep with a major dose of morphine, I sat alone, by his side another 22 hours.  He didn't want to leave me, and I was so lucky to have found him.  He was an amazing husband, and I think he worried more about me than himself.  Still, every day I wish with all my heart that not only he is at peace, but I feel that it would have been so much better if it had been me instead.   I'm sorry to ramble on here, I guess I feel the need to offer some of what I've learned on to others here.  Your life is changed, and you will experience a new even more difficult grief after your husband passes away. 

Comment by Michael C. Ramsey on February 18, 2016 at 11:36am

16 months since my Angie passed and one thing I've learned......you get through it, but I don't think you ever get over it. 

Comment by dream moon JO B on February 18, 2016 at 9:43am

so sorrry kathleen 

we cnt win coz big c efcts us  coz wen thy suffr we suffr 2 watchnin thm suffr sufer we do 2

it efcsct us 2 evry illnes lovd loved 1s get we sufffer in silense coz pane of sea thm sufer 2 carzin us 2 get deprsd 

sorry if im rantin on 2 mush

Comment by kathleen akin on February 18, 2016 at 9:36am

I think Rocky is heading into some sort of major decline. He had a bad time over the holidays but would rebound and seem ok. He didn't work much (he said the client's were sick) but I think it was also him. So he's been at home since before Christmas. We have his tools all over the place and now he can't do anything, even picking them up is overwhelming.

I think it's starting. You know, when they start to really get into the business of dying. He just sits there because it's too much effort to do anything. plus he hurts all the time even with lots of pain meds. I don't know what to do. I see what's coming, and I'm scared out of my mind, but I don't know what to do. It's something I have to go through and I don't want to.

I read everyone's posts and how months and months go by and people are still right in the moment they lost their spouse. That scares me. There isn't any getting over it for some. I think I might be one of them. I'm emotionally on edge all the time, ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I don't like anyone asking "how is Rocky doing?" or "how are YOU doing?" that's even worse. I'm mad at his Drs because they are doing nothing to save him. I guess there is nothing to do. I think it's getting time to contact hospice, but I'm not ready yet. I don't know how bad I have to let things go.

Bless all of you here.

Comment by Michael Thompson on February 18, 2016 at 8:29am

Hi all, its been around 15 months for me now since my wife passed, I still cant believe she has gone ?.  The point im making is that I feel worse now than I did when she passed, and im still suffering grief symptoms.  Am I alone on this ?

Michael UK

Comment by Bill Smith on February 15, 2016 at 6:56pm

I know this is a dumb cliche, but hang in there.  You've made it this far.  It's never easy, but - gradually - it does get easiER.  You can do this.  

Comment by Copper "Charlie" on February 15, 2016 at 6:35pm

Hi,

I've not been on since October of 2015.  So many were angry with God, it was overwhelming...completely understandable...but very overwhelming for me.  I didn't know exactly where I was with God and didn't know what to say that wouldn't anger or offend someone.  I was going through too much to have to deal with anger from others on top of it.  (Again, a perfectly normal and understandable reaction...just I wasn't in a place to handle it, myself.)

The 13th made it 6 months since I lost my husband and 7 since I lost my mom.  Time goes by so slowly.  I'm disabled and can't work, so I spent my time trying to stay away from the house, then when I couldn't afford the gas to do that, I've been stuck here.  Sometimes I'll clean a couple of things and then sit back down, looking for something else on the computer that will distract me.  Sometimes I just sit here staring at the walls and remembering...everything.  Sometimes I stay in bed.  I've got a wood stove and there have been times I haven't even bothered putting wood in it to stay warm.  I just lay in the bed under a bunch of blankets.  I've managed to work past that part.  As it's gotten colder and I my indoor dog has arthritis, I've found a purpose in keeping the heater going for her.  and when my kids are home, well, that's a no brainer, although my daughter usually takes care of it when she's here. 

People I know say a lot of times, "Oh, you seem like you're doing better!"  I've gotten to the point that I just look at them and say, "No, actually I haven't.  I'm just really good at faking it."  They don't believe me.  LOL...it's sad when you're honest and people don't believe you because it's not what they want to hear.

Sorry for the ramble, just hadn't posted in a while and found something to babble at.  Now I've got to go see how many coyotes my dog is barking at this time.  *sigh*

Comment by Shirley on February 15, 2016 at 3:29pm

Hello to one and all, Been a few days since I posted here, and thought I would just say a few words today...It has now been right at 22 months since my hubby took his final journey to live HIGH ON THAT MOUNTAIN in PARADISE.  He  was ill for so many  years that  I felt a kind of relief when GOD sent the Angel to escort him away.  When you watch a strong human being devoured with Cancer,  all the medicines, confusion changes, you want the pain and changes to stop.  They stopped  for him and know that was what he wanted to.  Has been a long road for me to travel, but with the help of GOD, I have moved forward and await my time to take my own journey.  We all are born into a circle of life and when our circle has been completed, we will leave our loved ones behind, because they can not go with us .  Life is for the living and we must all go down the path that is front of each of us.   Do have children, grand children and great grand children to leave as my legacy when I leave.  Believe my life is predestined for me and that is just my opinion, so do not judge me ....Prayers for all who are grieving the loss of a loved one whether it was years ago  or just days a go.   Keep smiling, move forward slowly and enjoy the life you have left on this Earth.

Comment by dream moon JO B on February 15, 2016 at 2:28pm

i feal lk iv bean pusht 2 far or punshd enuf u cud say u can only tak so mush thn u loss it u do 

iv comly losss it thes dayz coz im sush a low 1s on/offf

iv evn saed thngs abot god im sp mad it him/her im it mad stge thn ill be fallin off tsep 1 step 1 agan thm im num agn coz of sumyhn els bad will happn it will 

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