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Comment by Mary Elizabeth Webb on February 1, 2011 at 4:58pm

As, I read all of these entries, my heart aches with sadness. I feel the pain so clearly. I lost my mother, father and brother--all to cancer. During all those specific times, there was never anything anyone could say or do to heal that pain. Everyone says time will ease the pain. The pain will never leave your heart, it won't be as fresh as it is today. I truly believe grief is a process.

I read this in an article recently and wanted to share it with you all.

The first step in healing is to recognize and admit that we have these feelings. Bringing them to the surface, instead of submerging them, diminishes their ability to keep us from moving forward in the grieving process. Acceptance is the release of resistance and the beginning of the end of suffering. Once feelings are consciously realized, they can be healed through forgiveness- the second step. Forgiveness means that we don’t want to carry the burden of negative feelings anymore.

Understanding intuitively that love- no matter how obscured we perceive it to be- is the core of all relationships. In other words, how have we grown as a result of the relationship with the deceased person? Even if circumstances were less than optimal- even painful and seemingly unloving- what opportunities were presented to us for our growth?  Seeing relationships from a spiritual perspective (and from our soul) gives fresh, unrestricted insights about their deeper significance in our lives. Most importantly, perceiving life from the vantage point of the soul opens us to seeing the divine order of death in our and our loved ones’ spiritual evolution. That means accepting that letting go of the ways we think things should or could have been brings us peace.

Please know, I am praying for all who are suffering with this transition of losing a loved one.

Comment by Jeannie Porter on February 1, 2011 at 4:47pm

Jeannie in freezing Colorado..I have successfully had two days of over the top anxity and fear. Fear of fear itself. I pushed a button on my phone to get my messages and "There she my Paige) was somehow one was left on the phone.."HI HONEY!!!!,,,Kayla (our granddaughter} and I are at Subway be home soon" "love you" "KISS" "KISS"

To the floor..If I had been prepaired It would have maybe been a sweet moment. How can she be gone,,I am going to go see friends of hers in Ca. a friend gave me their flier miles.. I'm scared to go,I 'm scared not to go. Our 18 yr anniv will be while I am there. I quit paying on the second Morgage today. A friend said with the way things are I should be able to live here by paying the first for quite awhile. So I am scared about where I shall live. I do not live alone well. EVER. I am just a wound up mess. I do get out of bed as I am afraid if I do not I will never get out of bed. I mean it is not like old fruit and i'll decompose and die. and some one will put me in their compost pile...Maybe not so bad ..uh? Well thanks to you all for being out here..

Comment by Kathleen Lange on February 1, 2011 at 3:47pm

As I read the entries I see that we all share the same feeling of loss--one that we were the closest to---gone forever.  What a reality we face!  I do not think we will ever totally accept what has happened, we will just move to a new normal (whatever that is)--- I urge you to see a support group, journal your feelings (you may NEVER want to read it---or write and throw it away)---or find an ear to hear you.  Melanoma took my husband 3 months ago.  Every room in the house holds a memory, every place in our city, people I know--all of them remind me of him and the future we will not have.  I know I must be positive as that is what he would want for me--happiness--whatever that looks like to me!  I know a stronger peace will come.  Some widows in the community have been very kind with advice---a personal touch only they know.  I wish you well and a brighter tomorrow.

Comment by Judy Kemp on February 1, 2011 at 3:29pm

Thank you Rachel you let me know iam not the only one feeling like this and that helps some iam sorry for your lost i know how hard it is losing someone so close to you i hope you find peace in your life... I feel as if i could just curl up in the bed and stay ther for ever but i know i have to move on in my life just not today tomorrow not looking good either but when iam ready i will know.... Michael thank you for listening to me for everyone one on this site i sometimes dont think i would have made it this far without it thank you everyone

Comment by michael sandoval on February 1, 2011 at 3:15pm

And I too feel the same

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on February 1, 2011 at 2:35pm

I wish I had the answers for you Judy, I feel for you, I know EXACTLY how you feel.....people will say "oh the pain will lessen, oh it will get easier"....its so easy for them to say that, but, every person in every type of grief experience is different....some it is easier for, others its horrid, I completely relate, and gosh I wish you peace and for me too with my mom.....when its the right time for you its the right time for you, and not any time before that.....when a person has been a big part of your life, the motivation just isnt there when they arent there....that life force you feel just isnt there....I totally understand as I am going through the same, the importance of things just isnt there anymore....I hope you find comfort, I really do.... :)  I hope anything I said helped you

Comment by Judy Kemp on February 1, 2011 at 12:50pm

Today been thinking of Brian more than anything he would have love the weather were having here, he always wanted it to snow like it did wen he was a little boy well he may have gotten that wish just was hoping he would be here to enjoy it with me. Guess iam just feeling sorry for myself getting so tried of tring to move on with out him. Dont know what iam doing anymore dont really care either i know its a sad state to be in.... sometimes i think iam getting there then i find or hear something to make me sprial back down then you hear somebody telling those words we all hate....you need to move on he would've wanted you to be sad you need to start going out again ..... how big of an ass can people be let us count the ways..... just so tried of it all i miss Brian so much want my life back and yes i know i cannt have it back but when is it not going to hurt so much???

Comment by michael sandoval on January 30, 2011 at 2:56pm

This was an issue my therapist brought and it made me think. Acceptance. and I was very upset about not being able to say goodbye, and she brought up the idea, "How do you say goodbye?" It really made me think, "what would I have said?" There is no easy answer. There just isn't anyway to say goodbye. Yet I beat myself up because we were not able to. The last real thing I said was, "I love you" as they put her in the ambulance, and she said, "I love you too." That was our last real conversation, and i guess that was our goodbye. We talked very very briefly in the emergency room, but it wasn't a conversation. Then I got the bad news and went hysterical. Next time I saw her she had tubes in her mouth and was unable to talk. Then she slowly slipped away. Oh God I miss her so much.

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on January 30, 2011 at 2:43pm

your right Michael...I dont think on a particular level that we do accept....for me its just so unreal still....its only been 2 months but its almost that I think she is still alive, she is just on a vacation somewhere....

Comment by michael sandoval on January 30, 2011 at 2:18pm

Acceptance is very hard. even when we feel as if we have accepted, have we really?

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