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Comment by Cynthia Horacek on May 16, 2011 at 11:34am

Dear Arielle -

Today when I was in the shower, I actually had some positive thoughts and feelings.  Maybe it's my antidepressants actually finally starting to kick in, maybe it's the therapist once a week, but I think it's because I've let myself have my bad days and cried all day, or maybe it's because I just let myself express it when ever I needed to.  So go ahead and be angry and don't hold it in.  We all grieve in our own way, but we also have to all let it out in our own way.  I know that if we hold it in, it just get's worse.  And yes, I've had those times where I was in a place it just wasn't okay to let it out, and somehow I found a way to deal with it long enough to get myself home or some place I could let it out.  And it's okay to hit things, like a pillow or something if that what you're feeling.  My heart is with you; and my thoughts are with you also.  I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you find a good way to let it all out - I guess coming here is one of them.  I can't say it gets better or the hurt every goes a way, because I don't know that yet.  All I can say is that I've been having more good days than bad lately (it was 6  months last week), but I decided that I needed to talk to a "spiritual" person and I have made a date with a Rabbi; I'm not religious, but they way  my husband was acting just before he died - like he was seeing something no one else could see and reaching towards it - made me believe there is something more out there, somewhere, when we die.  I hope this is somewhat helpful.  

I am sending you hugs and positive thoughts. 

Comment by Arielle on May 16, 2011 at 6:26am

Today would be my brother and sister-in-law's 12th anniversary. I cannot stop crying. I know people will tell me to think of the happy memories. But I am so angry and I can't understand why this world is so unjust. Our family is so broken and I cannot imagine there ever being as much joy in our lives without him.

Comment by Natalie Westby on May 15, 2011 at 11:01am

I just wish I know what to expect.  Thats the worst thing about all this.  I've read the books, researched her illness, and I still don't know everything I want to or need to know. I hate this feeling of helplessness. 

Comment by Mary Elizabeth Webb on May 14, 2011 at 2:27pm

God bless you too, Michael. There is such a hole..a feeling of emptiness where that loved one once lived and shared this life. Now we must face it alone. They are gone from our sight only. They live on in us. We continue what they could not. We are blessed by their love. They see your sadness and want to wipe your tears away and lift your heavy hearts. We will be reunited in time. Your loved ones remain connected to you...FOREVER.
pleas know I am praying for you all!
It's a difficult journey but if we find compassion and inspiration in others, we can get through this together.
Love to all
Mary

Comment by michael sandoval on May 14, 2011 at 2:13pm

Denise told me she didn't mind leaving but she didn't want to leave me. On her deathbed I told her, while fighting back tears, that she could go, and that I would be okay. Then I cried and cried. I haven't been the same since. God bless all of you.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on May 14, 2011 at 1:57pm

Dear Natalie -

I am so sorry that you and your mom have to go through this.  I have to tell you, however, that when my husband couldn't get the vomiting under control we got a prescription for medical marijuana and got the tincture in capsules, and it helped a great deal.  It didn't really make him "high"; mostly just sleepy, but the nausea went away.  We had hospice at home when we knew the end was near, and honestly, his care could have been better, but at least at the very end, we got him on morphine and he wasn't in as much pain.  If your state doesn't have legalized medical marijuana, there is a drug called Marinol which is made from the active ingredient from pot that helps, also with nausea.  Ask you mom's dr. about that.  That has to be something they can do for it.  

I also understand your feelings about it being easier if she would just die.  That's normal, and I think everyone thinks that at one point when watching a loved one suffer.  You are not a monster for thinking that!  Just know it's normal.  It's so hard to watch your mom go through this; it was hard watching my husband.  But I would just sit with him - near the end he wasn't very lucid, and I'm really not sure how much he heard or not, but he seemed to hear us because he would look at me when I spoke and every now and then he would respond as if he understood.  But anyway (sorry this is going on for so long), the last few days I sat with him almost all the time, and I slept next to his hospital bed, and I just kept telling him it was okay to let go; my daughters and I all told him that - he'd been a good husband, I would be okay, the girls would be okay because he'd been such a wonderful dad.  Even my daughter's fiancee went in and talked to him, and told him they would be getting married and he didn't have to worry about our daughter; her fiancee would take good care of her, and she of him.  So I kept telling him, it's okay to let go; that his mom was waiting for him to come and join her.  The last day, he kept focusing on the wall and reaching for something that no one else could see, and it made me a believer that there is something there after death.  Sometimes people need permission to die because they think their loved ones can't go on without them; your mom may need permission from you to "let go" and do whatever she needs to do.  Think about it.  As much as you will miss her, and maybe you still need her, it's a wonderful gift to give the dying permission to die.  I used to work for hospice as a therapist, and I remember one woman telling me one night her husband, who was dying at home from cancer, started getting out bed and saying "I have to go."  She made him get back in bed and told him "You're not going anywhere; you're sick..." then she realized, a few days later, that he was saying, "Its time for me to die..." in his own way.  She told him it was okay to go now; she said she felt that she could see his soul float up from his body, and he died.  So he stayed because she told him he couldn't leave, and when she realized what it was, and told him it was okay to go, he let go and died.  

I miss my husband terribly; it was 6 months this past Thursday, but it feels like a drop in the bucket and at the same time, it feels like a very long time.  But I miss him so much, and I'm so lonely without him. I have my family and friends, and of course the dog (smile), but it's not the same and it never will be.  

My thoughts are with you.  Know that this is a place you can come and get it off your chest anytime you need to, and I hope it helps.

Take care of yourself, too.

Comment by Mary Elizabeth Webb on May 14, 2011 at 1:55pm

Natalie,
It's so hard to stand by our loved ones and not be able to make the suffering go away. You are not a monster... You are just human. Please know I am thinking of you and your mother.
I am praying for her in this time of need.
Bless you!
Mary E

Comment by Natalie Westby on May 14, 2011 at 1:36pm

My mom is currently dying of colon cancer.  She's having trouble keeping food down and we had to admit her as inpatient with Hospice.  Its been difficult to get the vomitting under control.  They have her on iv fluids and that's keeping her hydrated.  Sometimes, I feel that things would be easier if she just died.  I feel like such a monster thinking like that.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on May 5, 2011 at 1:31pm

Dear Christina - I just wanted to add my support to the comments already made. Some people just are so afraid of their own mortality, they can't empathize, even if they haven't gone through it.  I'm so blessed that my 86 y/o mom is still with us, and I give thanks for that every day. I lost my husband in November to rectal cancer, and am grateful that I have a wonderful group of friends who support me and do understand, even if they haven't lost their own spouse.  My husband was such a wonderful man, the many people who spoke about him at his service, many work colleagues I didn't even know, said such wonderful things and it was such a testament to who he was.   Maybe people have a problem when someone loses a parent because we are supposed to expect our parents to pass at some point, but a loss is a loss is a loss; it doesn't matter who we lose, it is painful and tragic, and many people just can't deal with someone else's loss.  The best person who has been there for me, besides my mom actually, has been my therapist.  She's simply a very good therapist and knows how to help me without trying to "help" if you get that; she doesn't' try to fix it or make it better or tell me to move on.  She simply acknowledges how hard this is, and validates my feelings, and is just there for me.  If you are having a lot of trouble adjusting to you loss, and who doesn't?  find a good therapist; it's the best advice I can give, if you will allow me some advice.  In the meantime, I am sending you hugs and energy and good thoughts.  Please take care of yourself.  And Michael is correct - your friends just don't understand.  It's not their fault; it's the way our culture deals with death - it generally doesn't. 

 

Comment by michael sandoval on May 5, 2011 at 1:21pm

It's beeen a year and a half since we lost Denise, but it still feels like yesterday.

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