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Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 6, 2011 at 11:29am

Darn... did it again.  Companionship.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 6, 2011 at 11:29am

I meant "championship"; not "championship..."

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 6, 2011 at 11:28am

Dear Jeanne and Donna -

I have to believe that it WILL get better. And I am open to new relationships for championship, but it's still too soon for me to even contemplate.  It IS okay to be angry; whatever feelings you or we or any of us have are okay; they are just feelings and are normal, and the best way to cope with it is to let it out.  Each time we let something out, we let it go a little bit more.  And that is healing.  

I've been thinking about a tattoo, like I mentioned, and last night I decided to look at clip art on the web.  I found a beautiful image of the sun, the moon and stars, and Don was my sun, my moon and my stars; he was my universe.  I also found a beautiful blue butterfly.  Now I'm trying to decide where I want it placed, and I don't know if I'll do the butterfly.  But I think I want the sun moon and stars over my heart.  I'm 59 years old, and will probably still have the effects of gravity over time, so I don't want it where it will, um, shall we say, stretch?  But right over my breastbone - I've heard it hurts more to be tattooed over a bone, but what the hell; it's nothing compared to what Don went through.  In the inmate, the sun and moon form a circle, and the stars come out of tails from the moon; the sun has stylized flames.  I want a beautiful letter "D" in the center for his name.  My daughter and her husband gave my new grandson Donald for his middle name to honor my Don, and to remember him.  That meant a lot to me.  So now I have to find a good tattoo artist nearby; my last tattoo was done by a great guy but he's quite a drive a way.  But again, I ramble.  When I get it done, I'll post a picture ... somewhere... Thanks.

Comment by Jeanne Potter on July 6, 2011 at 9:32am

Hi Donna, I may have not expressed what I meant about being mad at cancer or the person that got sick the way I meant it. I guess what I was trying to say is that cancer has taken so much from all of us already that I won't give it one more second to let it ruin my life. I have lost my brother at 45 from Multiple Myeloma, a terrible blood cancer that destroyed all his vertebres and took away his ability to sit up without help. My girlfriend went through a horror with aggresive breast cancer and my husband with brain cancer. Those are just a few. Before any of this happened I was involved with the Relay for Life and after they got sick I still was heavily involved. I have to fight it I guess like we all do. I am now a caregiver for a cousin of a friend who has ovarian cancer. She is two years in and chemo has not worked. I take her to The Cancer Center of America in Philadelphia each week where she is in a study where they used her own tumors to make a vacine that hopefully will kill her cancer forever. She gets her first shot next week. I know I am setting myself up for possibly more grief, but this may just work. I have now made a new friend I may lose, but she is a fighter and I am taking the ride with her as I did with my husband. I HATE CANCER!!!! I just have to try to help the people that are suffering and maybe be a small part of the solution. What you went through with your mother is awful and none of us should have to watch it happen, let alone be that person. All I can say in my heart is that I know all of them that have gone are in a better place. It is all of us that are suffering from missing them so much. If you can believe that is true then maybe it will help you go on with your life for you and your families sake. They all need you and you need them. Don't let yourself miss things that are going on in the real world because of what cancer has done. Don't let it win! When I said before that I could not go to the Memorial day parade because last year I was there with my husband. I really knew I couldn't. Two of my grandkids were in the parade as a boy scout and a Daisy. They made copies of my husbands picture from Viet Nam and made buttons to wear in the parade. I cried my eyes out when I saw that and realized how much he was a part of their lives. They talk about him all the time. I learn from those kids. I need to be their for them and I will go to the parade next year. I am sorry if I came across wrong in my rant. Sometimes things just come out. I don't sleep much either these days, so I don't think that helps. Take care and hang in there, it has to get better.

Comment by Donna Schlatter on July 6, 2011 at 8:16am

Hey Jeanne...I hope you didn't think that I meant I was angry at my mother for getting sick.  I AM and will always be angry with cancer and how it takes the best people from this earth.  My mom had a very rare form of cancer called MDS of which they don't know much about.  If not combatted early enough it will turn into acute leukemia.  She first had lymphoma which went into remission and almost instantly was diagnosed with MDS.  Despite going through chemo and blood transfusions and all else, the leukemia was taking over her body, minute by minute.  The doctors did NOT realize this was happening and were treating her for an infection for about 2 months.  In and out of the hospital, very tired, frail and barely breathing correctly, she was back in the hospital 2 days after her birthday, April 9.  The doctors thought she had a sinus infection, C-diff, urinary tract infection.  Little did they know she only had a few days.  They never told us that.  I live in a different state than my parents so I had to make some tough decisions to go or not go to NY.  Plus I have 2 kids and I work full time.  Then I get a call on Friday, April 15 from my father telling me the doctors said she only had a few DAYS.  EXCUSE ME?  A few days?  I race up there without a thought, spend some time with her and by Tuesday she was gone.  GONE.  Nobody called it, nobody knew what to say.  Am I angry at cancer?  You bet.  I'm angry that the government spends way too much money on nonsense and not enough on research for young and old to find a cure for this disgusting disease.  I am sad for everyone on this forum.  I do know what you mean by certain dates now having double meaning.  I look at my boys (one started college this past Saturday - another rough thing for me) and they loved her so much.  I will always have an empty space in my heart.  And yes, you should never close yourself off from the possibility of another relationship.  Perhaps it doesn't have to be an intimate relationship, just some companionship, someone to talk to, to share common interests.  I do make sure I keep very busy, all the time.  I rarely sleep which is not good and I know that my body is very susceptible right now so I have to take care of myself.  Cynthia, my butterfly came to me about a week after I returned home from my mom's funeral.  I was chatting with a neighbor by my front door and a beautiful butterfly landed on the bricks of my house and just sat there.  First one I had seen all year and I KNEW it was my mom.  The next day I was searching some spiritual quotes online and as I was scrolling down, no joke, that same butterfly appeared as art on the website page.  I told myself right then and there that I had to get the tattoo.  I got it on my ankle.  She's beautiful, black and yellow and pink and she is flying upwards toward heaven.  She comforts me and symbolizes the beautiful person my mother will always be. Thank you all for letting me be part of this group.  I look forward to signing in every day to see how we are all coping....God bless and may today be much better than yesterday!

Comment by Jeanne Potter on July 5, 2011 at 9:35pm

I have been reading all these posts the last couple of weeks and can so relate to most of them. The last month or so I have been crying suddenly and just constantly remembering things about my husband and just falling apart. It was odd because he passed in Dec. I went back to a therapist that I have known and gone to periodicley over the last 30 odd years. He told me that it was normal to go through what I was going through and that different points in time would make me worse than others. Well he was right as usual. On June 22nd it would have been our 26th wedding anniversary. Last year while he was sick we renewed our vows for our 25th and went back to where we got married and had as many people there as at the original ceremony. I knew then that it would probably be the last one we celebrated together, but it was important to both of us to do it. I also realized that the same day of our anniversary was exactly 6 months that he had passed. He passed Dec. 22nd. So in my mind I kept thinking that when we had that party, he had 6 months to live and for the rest of time, both things will have a double meaning. As quick as the date past, I started to get better. I know that another one will happen, but I think I just had to make it past it. My therapist said the first year is the hardest to go through. One Memorial day I could not bring myself to go to the parade with my grandkids. I had to tell my son that I was not ready yet. Last year my husband went with us and I just could not get through that parade if I went so I didn't and it was the right thing to do for me. Yesterday on the 4th was the memory of us being away for the weekend to visit his brother last year, and how he tried so hard to be ok for him. Next week will be a year since I got him to go on a road trip with me. I told him, this is all we have so let's do the best we can with what we have. I drove us to Niagra Fall, NY, Vt and NH. We had a good time even though he was very tired. When he had enough we drove home. All of these things are ingrained in my mind and they were not bad things, but they bring back such memories. I miss him terribly but I know he is close by and wants me to go on. I am doing the best I can. I booked a trip to Lake Tahoe for Sept tonight. I will go with my sister and sister in law for a week. He and I went there once, but so did my sister and sister in law, so I think I will be all right. I have to take it one day at a time as all of us do. I too cannot imagine myself with anyone else, but you know I miss having the companionship of that wonderful man and someday maybe I will be ready to share some of those good times with another. Never say never. It will never be the same, but it still can be good, I just know it. He is in the better place and I know he would want only the best for me. I also have to say that I am not mad at anyone. What happened was awful and unfair, but wasting time on blaming and stressing yourselves is not worth it. Life is too short to go through it mad at a disease or worse yet the person that died from it. Thanks for listening, just had to get that out.

 

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 5, 2011 at 9:04pm

Donna -

Thank you; I am glad my stories are just incessant rambling, which the feel like, but that someone is actually getting something out of them.  I can't imagine how hard it will be when I lose my  mom.  I'm so blessed to still have my parents here - they are 96 and 86, and my mom insists on caring for my dad herself, and he insists on having her!  I worry about her health because she is just getting worn out, and her mind isn't as sharp as it was.  But that's another story.  I, too, am very lucky to have wonderful friends and family and support, but you probably know as I do, it isn't always enough.  The worst part in losing my husband has been how lonely it gets.  I have my daughters; my older one lives nearby and I have my grandsons who bring me joy, but knowing that the baby will never know his grandfather, and the 3 year old will probably forget him is hard.

My husband used to tell me he wasn't worried about me going on without him because he said I am I survivor and I'm a strong woman.  And I guess I am - but lately I just don't feel that strength, and I don't want to be a survivor.  I don't want to be alone.  But I can't imagine ever being with anyone else.  It's so interesting that you mentioned a butterfly tattoo; I've been wanting to get a tattoo to honor my husband's memory, and the only thing I've been able to come is with is a butterfly that I had in a dream a few weeks ago.  It's was a powder blue color with yellow dots on the wing tips; the wings were rounded unlike the wing shape we usually see in nature.  But.... in my dream, there were hundreds of them, and my brother was there and he was tearing the wings off.  Strange... so I'm not sure about having that put permanently on my body!  But butterflies signify transmutation and joyful living in Native American lore.  And what is more of a transmutation than death?  I know he's near me; I sense him often, and sometimes his presence is just so strong that it fills the room.  I've been trying to think of what would best be a symbol of him.  He loved classical music, astronomy and played chess, and loved to read non-fiction books, especially historical books.  So maybe a tattoo of a piece of music, some stars and the king from a chess set.  I don't know.  It'll come to me.  Thank you again.   Take care, and thank you for your prayers.   It all helps.

Comment by Donna Schlatter on July 5, 2011 at 8:32pm

Cynthia, I loved your story about putting the boutiniere on the chair to symbolize your husband.  What a beautiful choice.  Your stories always inspire me.  For whatever reason, I cannot get my mother's face out of my head when I lay down at night.  Her last few days were awful for her; I could tell she was suffering but couldn't get the words out.  To see this amazing woman, the one who took care of everyone and everything unconditionally, fall prey to this horrible and disgusting was too much for me.  I cope by cleaning my house constantly and surrounding myself with my wonderful neighbors and friends.  I talk on the phone a lot to my mother's best friend.  We share stories and laugh about silly stuff.  I know how hard it has been for me but I can't imagine losing your spouse.  I can only pray for you, that time WILL heal all of this.  It just makes us realize how important each and every single one of us is.  How important it is to make positive impacts on every person we meet.  My boys keep me terribly busy which has been a blessing but now that my oldest left for college this past Saturday, the sad and depressed feelings came rushing right back.  I, too, want to lay down in my bed and never wake up sometimes.  It is AWFUL to feel like this because I have a wonderful husband and two boys who love me and NEED me.  My father needs me, my extended family need me, my friends need me.  I am important and I know my mother would want me to be strong.  I think that is what gets me through my every day....just doing what I think my mother would want me to do at that moment.  She did come to me once in butterfly form and I instantly got a tatoo of that butterfly on my ankle.  She hasn't come back since but her best friend told me it's probably because I am not LETTING her come through.  I am not finished grieving or I haven't really started (she passed on April 19).  Either way, we are all blessed to have this forum to just rant and write to our heart's desire without worrying about being judged.  We are all dealing with terrible sadness but I feel in my heart it will get easier to deal with it all in time.  God bless everyone!

Comment by mercy on July 5, 2011 at 7:03pm

Yes Cynthia and an 18 month old can distract me more than any housework ever could. I love housework but now its become an obssesion LOL.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 5, 2011 at 2:58pm

Rachel -

I know.  Don and I never went to movie theaters because of all the annoying people!  We had Netflix or On Demand.  But I did go with my daughter recently and saw Bridesmaids; it made me laugh.  I tried to watch a movie at home yesterday On Demand but it was a stupid comedy; I had heard it was really funny but I couldn't find any humor in it.  If anyone knows of any really good, really funny movies, please let me know... I do find it helps to laugh - laughter releases endorphins.

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