Comment

Comment by Mary M. on June 7, 2012 at 12:52pm

Hi Jeanne, thanks for your insight.  Debbie, I am also sorry you were not there with your husband but Jeanne is right you cannot dwell on what you cannot change.  All you can do is try to go on and live as you know your husband would want you to.  This coming from somebody still struggling with my emotions and grief .. but in my heart I know this is true.  

My regret is that we cancelled plans to travel to Scotland when my husband was diagnosed, the one place he really wanted to go.  But I can't change that but maybe when I am stronger emotionally and have saved enough I will take our dream trip for him, let him see through my eyes and I know he is always with me still.  One day I do believe we will be together again and that there is a reason I am left behind right now .. but that doesn't make it any less hard.

In the meantime, I am going to try to reach out to others and live as I believe he wanted me to.  

Comment by Jeanne Potter on June 7, 2012 at 10:23am

I am so sorry that you went through it that way Debbie. I had no illusions from the moment I heard the words brain mass that the outcome would be good. They never gave us any great hope either but we had choices and for 16 months we did all we could together knowing we did not have long. We renewed our vows on 6/22/10 for our 25th anniversary and had everyone there that we knew. Exactly 6 months later I lost him. I had him at home with me at the end and I am so thankful that I could. As for what happened to you I have to say that the morning I woke up and heard Harry's breathing increased I knew it was time. I talked to him for almost 45 minutes telling him it was ok to go that I would be ok and we would meet again etc. Suddenly our motion lights went on outside and it distracted me for just a second and I turned to look. When I turned back he was gone. For the last two days of his life he could not speak and just slept. So although I was with him, I believe that he did not want me to see him go and so the distraction. Your husband may not known that while you were gone this would happen but again he may not have wanted you to see it happen. Believe me no matter how it happens it was meant to be and you truly could not change that. He knows you love him and is waiting for you. Don't waste time dwelling on the things you cannot change. I know you will but maybe down the road you can look past it. Remember the happy times even when they hurt you to think of them. When the time is right we will all be together again. Take care of yourself and try to find a group. It is really good to talk to people that have lived it. I have heard others talk about being upset that they were not with the person, but that is not what matters in the big picture. That is how I feel anyway and maybe what helps me get through it. Jeanne

Comment by Debbie S on June 7, 2012 at 9:42am

Thank you Jeanne. I have so many emotions going on. One of the things in my story that is different from what I have seen in most post is they told me they had gotten all his cancer and he would be fine. We were told on April 1, 2011 that he had head & neck cancer (tongue cancer) He had caught a cold in mid Feb and thats when I could tell a difference. On March 5th I was suppose to go out of town for a couple days but would not go. Then on the 6th he promised me he would be fine for me to go. I checked on him by text all that day and night and he assured me he was ok. Wed morning no text I could feel my heart sinking after a couple of hours of not hearing from him. I was 2 hours away from home. That seemed like it took me days to get home. I feel so guilty that I was not home with him. They the emts and doctors tell me there wouldn' t have been anything I could've done. They don't understand I SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE WITH HIM!! He was not suppose to leave me. It gets harder everyday!

Comment by Jeanne Potter on June 7, 2012 at 6:26am

Mary and Debbie, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do understand and continue to struggle with each day. Seems unless I keep myself working on some project I just feel like I am going through the motions. I did want to say though that I get notice every few months from the hospice my husband was with about their grief counsuling group. They meet once a week for eight weeks. I would contact your local hospice even if you did not have anything to do with them. I went to two different ones and it was good to talk with others that were going through similar losses. If nothing else it will get you out and with people that truely understand what you are going through. Although it won't bring back our loved ones, it can help with the coping a little better. Good luck to you both. PS my friend lost her husband suddenly in January and is still having trouble sleeping. She is going to her dr. about it. They say it can be many reasons but depression is one of the biggest. It may help if you have not gone already.

Comment by Mary M. on June 7, 2012 at 5:47am

This is yet another restless, almost sleepless night.  Its early hours of the morning and for the past hour have debating how mad my neighbours would be if I cut the grass .. just to be doing something and not feel so alone and helpless.

Comment by Debbie S on June 7, 2012 at 1:18am

Here it is 1:15am and another sleepless night. I lay here and think of all the happy times we shared but the tears keep flowing. I have never had someone I loved so much pass away before. So confused and lost.

 

Comment by Mary M. on June 6, 2012 at 11:09pm

Debbie, I can relate, I have also had trouble sleeping and have to make myself leave the house to do what I have to do.  My family seems to think I should be able to get on with living but somehow I can't.  My friends have been very supportive but I feel guilty calling them or crying on their shoulders whenever they come by.  So far I have been unable to locate a grief support group in my area .. just keep being told they will start again in the fall.  I am here for you if you want to talk.  

Comment by Debbie S on June 6, 2012 at 10:31pm

Karen, I'm sorry for your loss but you comment about Debra's helps me so much. My soulmate passed away just 3 months ago. Like you said my grief has gotten worse. I find myself so lost and missing him more everyday. I still can't sleep at night and don't want to leave my house. I am tired of hearing peoole telling me time heals or I know how you feel. I'm sorry but if you haven't lost the love of your life..... then no you don't know. I've been looking for a greif support that gets together. I feel like my friends get tired of me crying to them. Just so lonely now.

Comment by Kim Phillips on June 6, 2012 at 8:11pm

I just don't know how much one person can take.  I lost my grandmother a year ago, my best friend/soulmate 3 weeks ago and now my aunt has a few months to live.  Cancer is such a monster.  People dump all this money into cancer society and still...... people are dying at high rates of cancer. 

 

Comment by michael sandoval on June 2, 2012 at 11:04am

Dear Maura,

It's been alsmot 3 years for me and it absolutely does not get easier or better.  We just learn to deal with it.  I still cry, I still get flashbacks, I still tear up at anytime when i hear that song, or pass our favorite spot, or think of something special we did.  I miss my Denise, life will never be the same.

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