Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Patricia on May 20, 2016 at 7:04am

This seems to be the norm for people like us who watch a loved one die. It is not unusual, and it is not you. My sister did the same thing, steuggled valiantly until the end, trying to get out of bed and go home. I had to ohysically restrain her from getting out of bed and fleeing. The guilt is tremendous. Maybe if I let her get up and go home she would have lived? No, of course not, she would have fallen down in the hallway and broke a hip. Maybe she felt like I was her executioner. Maybe that's where the guilt comes from. And the images of our loved one suffering until the end are hard to erase. I try very hard when they comeup in my mind to think anout her when she was well and happy, during sifferent times of our lives when we were together. The pain and grief are so overwhelming.it's been over ayear for me and it is better. The first year is a blur. Having someone to talk to about it is helpful. Having something to help you sleep is helpful. I have to say alcohol was helpful for me but I was very careful to limit that to two drinks. The most helpful to m of all was exercise and I tried to do something everyday. I joined the Y and worked off my anger and frustrations. Good luck to you and God bless.

Permalink Reply by Shirley Thompson on May 20, 2016 at 3:32pm

Thank you for the reply, I have started going to the gym again, I had to stop when he got to bad to stay home alone and I had to rush home after work to relieve the sitter. There are days I wished I drank! :). The worst thing I have done was picked smoking back up. I started when the stress started to get more than I could bear. It's been a month since he left me here by myself, and I don't see myself quitting again.

There will come a time when I will wake up and it'll be ok. I get told frequently that it's been a month, about time to move on, and now that my birthday has passed, maybe I'll be able to. I appreciate just getting to vent and no one telling me how I should probably start taking an anti depressant. Thank you!

Permalink Reply by carma on May 20, 2016 at 8:49pm

Well I lost my dad back in December 2015 and now my mom at almost any minute or day...We took her to the hospital thinking it was a backache or a pinched nerve but ended up being so much more.........breast cancer that spread to both lungs and bones.....among some kidney failure and other issues about 9 total...she is so weak that she didn't think she could do radiation and has not eaten but one time in about 10 days almost 2 weeks soon and hardly any fluids..........It all happened so quick as where dad spent 15 months battling it....It isn't even 5 full months and I am going thru it again........I find that I am not alone with both going so close together.  The only thing I can think of is that god wants me to move on with my life but I feel guilty to do it.......is this normal??/  Someone reach out to me.....

Permalink Reply by Patricia on May 21, 2016 at 6:47am

I find that the guilt is almost universal. Everyone feels guilty.....didn't do enough,mdidn't help enough, survived when they didn't.....in my family there seemed to be those that didn't do anything to help and then had their hands out in the end.

Permalink Reply by carma on May 21, 2016 at 8:34pm

Patricia that is always the case in families...my mom would go see her mom and the sister would say oh good you went now I won't have too......I guess you are right...I feel like I could have done more but I also blame some of the doctors we recently had too, and I won't be going back to that practice anymore....

Permalink Reply by Shirley Thompson on May 25, 2016 at 7:48pm

Patricia, you said exactly how I felt standing there beside him. Like I was his executioner. I am still struggling with the intense sadness if losing him. It seems I cry all the time, he'll the other day I moved a pair of his old worn out underwear and totally lost it. I sat there and cried into his underwear. I came to realize I needed to see someone so I went my doctor and he told me it is ok to be sad, but he felt that I am moving more to depression. He put me on a very low dose of lexapro. Hopefully I can start to move ahead. We will see. I just know I miss him to the point I'm not functioning.

Carma, for a while there I was feeling I had to stay here just to make sure everyone got buried. I take care of his elderly aunt and his parents all of whom are in their late seventies. I feel guilty thinking I'll find enjoyment in something and Jimmy comes back to my mind and I start thinking about all he went through and my circle starts all over again. I do understand where you are coming from.

Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on December 12, 2016 at 5:09pm

I know what you mean Shirley Thompson, about wanting them to come and see you in dreams. I actually made Rocky promise me that he would. As if even he could control this. One of my cousins said that somewhere in scripture it says that he has to get permission from God. I never knew this, so I don't know.

It must feel so bad to go over and over the last moments of your loved ones death, and have that death be such a struggle. That would be awful. I would not handle that well. Rocky died pretty quick and it seemed like he didn't struggle at all. He looked shock and amazed, but not in pain or sadness. It looked as if he was looking at something, and I kept getting in his face and asking him "what do you see???" and he would look around me. He was something and was more interested in that than me. I keep wondering if it was his mom, or dad or someone he was close to, come get him and take him through the veil. I hope that is it.

I'm sure you loved one knows your heart, and that you wanted to help him. That you suffered right along with him.

Permalink Reply by Pamela philipp on December 26, 2016 at 10:23pm

Shirley I understand how you feel my husband was diagnosed in may of 2015 with throat cancer then after some "routine tests" they told him in July of 2015 he had a second and totally separate cancer in his lungs,liver basically everywhere and that it was terminal then on September 14th 2015 he passed at a hospice center he was only there three days I also feel like I let him down and also feel guilty it's been 15 months and it feels like it happened yesterday the pain is unbearable