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Comment by Melissa Broome on December 16, 2011 at 8:49pm

Lisa-

I have my good days and I have my bad..the first 4-5 months I was in shock..cut off from feelings I just put them aside shut myself off from life. I didn't even join this site till month 7. I really wish I would have joined sooner. I'm just missing my mom..I'm passed guilt and all that, I know there was nothing I could do within my power. The longer she's gone the more I miss her..It seems to be getting worse for me instead of better. I just really wish my mom was still here I really need her. But I do find comfort in knowing I will see again.

Comment by Lisa Gladieux on December 16, 2011 at 8:10pm

Melissa ~ I am quickly finding out that people think one should grieve a certain way, when in fact, we all grieve differently.  Some people question how I can be doing "so good" when it hasn't even been a month since my dear mother died.  I don't ever want to experience the deep, intense pain that I experienced the 3-days after she died.  I didn't think I could survive, so I chose to push those specific feelings aside.  I don't want my mom to be looking down from Heaven and say, "I raised her to be stronger than that".  I think about my mom constantly and hold her dear to my heart.  I loved her very much and she was my best friend and letting go was NOT easy, but I knew it was the right thing to do because she was in pain and was miserable.  The cherish the fact that she is in Heaven now sharing with her everyone her amazing laugh and talking about her granddaughter.  Heaven...knowing it exists as helped me heal.  I will never stop thinking about or loving my mom, but knowing I WILL see her again helps me get through the days and move forward.

Comment by Melissa Broome on December 16, 2011 at 5:15pm

My mom never smoked or drank a day in her life. at the end she had every cancer imaginable. Ok I'm doing the best I can. and you know what in the light of thing's I think I'm doing pretty damn good. But if I get told I need to let things go one more time I think I'm going to scream!!! I mean geez it's only been 8 months! My mom went quickly so I didn't have time to process much she went from mom..to a person I could hardly recognize in just 2 short months. We went from she's sick to she's dying..So I don't understand what's wrong with people. The person that keeps telling me this has lost both parents herself..Been 10 yrs for her mom and almost 3 yrs for her dad and she stills grieving and I show support so why can''t I get it in return. I mean geez I'll move on when I'm damn good and ready..and I will never never ever forget my mother or stop missing her..so if they don't like it they can piss right off!!! Sorry guys I'm just a little frustrated..thanx for letting me vent

Comment by Sue Waxman on December 16, 2011 at 12:26pm

Love you to the moon and back...I love that Lisa. I can't wrap my head around my mother being gone either. Last night I had another major melt down. Cried my eyes out asking for my Mommy. I said "Mommy why did you have to smoke those cigarettes"!!!!!!!! Mom was only 77. She could have been with me longer!!! Mom spoke 3-4 packs a day in the 70's. She quit 25 years ago and throat cancer came anyway. When I used to asked her to please stop smoking...she said "I love my cigarettes and you have to die of something". I use to blow out my birthday candles praying for her to stop because I was so afraid of loosing her. My word fear - came true. My mother got cancer from smoking cigarettes. Everyone says...you don't know that for sure....yes...I do know that for sure. I have such an emptiness inside just like you guys do. There is no "healing", no moving forward for me. I love you guys. Sue

 

Comment by mercy on December 15, 2011 at 7:41pm

I’m living because my little two year old. Mom went through so many trials and tribulations but she didn’t give up because she would not have wanted to give up on us. I’m honoring her memory by living my life, as hard as it is and as much as I want to die. I’ll live and hopefully leave a good legacy for my daughter. Its really hard, but we just have to find a reason to live.

Comment by Lisa Gladieux on December 15, 2011 at 7:20pm

Sue ~ the last  words I heard from my mom was, "love you to the moon and back"...it's what we always said to my daughter.  I hold onto that closely, but I still can't wrap my head around the fact that my mother is truly gone from this physical world and because I AM human, I'm selfish and want her here with me (without the pain and suffering).  My mom was an amazing mother to me and a fabulous grandmother to my daughter.  Like you, I miss her everyday and think about her constantly.  I'm sorry that your siblings didn't wrap their love around you like they should have.  I'm an only child, so while I didn't have siblings, my aunts and friends were with every step of the way.  Take care, Lisa

Comment by Sue Waxman on December 15, 2011 at 4:09pm

Lisa,

I feel the same. I live because my mom would want me to. On the day she died I was crying silently, holding her hand. She stroked my cheek and say "Sue why are you crying"? The day my mother died, I was holding her hand and telling her it was OK to go with Jesus. I said I would take care of my sisters. Big joke there. They could care less about us as a family unit. All they care about is what they wanted from the house and the money. How many of us have dealt with that? Mom was in GREAT pain, she suffered so much I wanted to die myself. To watch your mother like that...it broke a part of me not being able to help her. I am not the same anymore. After my husband of 20 years dumped me...that changed me..now with mother gone...I don't feel I will EVER let anyone in to that place of my heart ever again. I have GREAT friends but no man in my life and don't want to. My life is so different now. Yes, our moms are cancer free, no longer in pain of any form. But I am in pain missing her. Every single day...I miss her voice, her phone calls, her support, her unconditonal love. Love Sue

Comment by Lisa Gladieux on December 15, 2011 at 3:13pm

I live because that's what my mom would expect me to do.  My mom always told me she was so proud of me and even from Heaven, I want her to keep saying that.  The first 3 days after my mother died, I was in so much emotional pain, I didn't think it was survivable.  Weeks later, I believe it is but it's because of my faith and belief that I WILL see her again that is making me strong again.  The cancer that killed by mom caused her to suffer so much and that was painful to watch.  The fact that she is cancer free and no longer suffering gives me relief even though she is healthy now because of death.  It's hard, but I'm getting through it with the support of my family and friends.

Comment by Melissa Broome on December 13, 2011 at 11:18pm

We are living because we still have a purpose I prayed to god last night to show me mine. I really think my purpose is my children..And to carry on my moms memory..I too hate cancer it took my mother from me. But we all still have something that keeps us here keeps us living look inside your heart and find yours..While your looking there you will also find your mothers <3

Your's truly,

Melissa

Comment by mercy on December 13, 2011 at 10:51am

I agree with you all. Mom suffered relentlessly because of this evil, demonic disease. Cancer won the fight and our lives are totally destroyed. My soul died when mom died, in fact I think my soul was dying slowly the last few weeks of her life and now am just an empty vessle walking through this earth. I feel so empty....

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