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Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 3, 2012 at 1:24pm

Sharron - yes, I have felt all of these.  The strongest and most difficult one for me was guilt.  I blamed myself for everything from not being able to save them to every mistake I made while taking care of them (and every mistake I perceived I made) and every mistake I'd made during my entire life with them.  The guilt choked me for a long time.  I'm just now starting to get over it.  I also felt everything else you tell me you feel.  I have been told by a lot of people that are of these feelings are common to grief.

Comment by sharron chadwick on June 3, 2012 at 9:51am

hi all, i am new to this forum and am hoping for some inspiration, i lost my mum suddenly in march this year, she was 57, 90% of the time i am ok but this last week i have really struggled, i have become quiet, deep in thought, i am pushing people away and feel i am carrying alot of guilt, this is still very raw for me, has anybody els experienced this x

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 30, 2012 at 7:27pm

I think it's great that you all are able to keep traditions alive such as baking/cooking things our moms cooked.  I haven't been able to do that.  I tried to cook a few things my mom cooked and they were horrible compared to hers.  My mom was such a good cook and no matter how much she tried to teach me I just was never good like her.  My niece is good like her, and so is my nephew, but I just don't have the gift.  My mom made the best fried chicken in the world.  Her meatloaf was one of a kind.  Her salmon fritters still make my mouth water for them.  She used to go in the woods and pick poke and cook it and it was amazing, but that can be poison if not done right, so I'm too afraid to try that.  Her lemon meringue pie was out of this world.  Yet, when I cook any of these things they just don't even taste close to the same, so I just gave up.  The memories of her awesome cooking will be what keeps her alive in my heart a little bit.  I'm sure you can tell by the list of foods she's so good at that we are southern.  Oh yes - and her chicken and dumplin's could have won awards.  I sure miss her cooking, but I miss her way more than her cooking.  I think its great that some of you are able to keep those kitchen memories alive.

Comment by erica barrera on May 30, 2012 at 4:42pm

sharon-its especially hard when you dont have family but you have your son and thats awesome. i still dont have kids and what hurts is they will only know memories of her... as for no family i know exactly what that is like.... my immediate family is gone... but in time we will make new traditions and keep their spirit alive...have a great night and thank you for sharing.----erica

Comment by sharon on May 30, 2012 at 4:31pm

Eric - I know  where you are coming  from i am still dealing with the same things  as  you are  my mom passed away 3 years ago  and it still hurts   the  mostly what hurt the most  is  i  don't  have no  more more family  to depend on to call on  no more  that sucks,  Yes  when i make my mom's recipes i feel like she  is with me  and  yes  the hoildays  still are the most hardest part for  me  ,  i  had  a christmas  party  this  last year  and my son  made  the speech  in the honor of my mom  we  do this  every  year  because  she  is the one  who brought all of us  togather  for  family .  And  yes  it does get easyer too.. just  takes  time ..  this year  i went out  to the grave to put out flowers  for mother's day  and  for  the hoildays  and  my son  told me  Mom good job  you  did'nt shead a tear.. i laughed at him - cryed later.. fooled  him...  good bless you Erica ,

Comment by erica barrera on May 30, 2012 at 8:55am

aimee-- first off im new to this, i cant believe i just found this..... i lost my mom 6 years ago..... also to cancer and i too was very very close to her. she was my best friend and although it wont ever be the same all we can do is adjust and make a new normal.  i agree with storyas you arent crazy, your normal and yes in time it does get a little better but you're always gonna miss her, i have found that what helps me is i do things that my momma use to do to give me some sense of normal.  of course it took me 5 years to get to that point, she use to make the best christmas cookies and this past years i had been wanting them so i finally attempted but all i got was making the dough cause after that i got upset and couldnt stop crying cause i was so hurt and mad that she wasnt here to make them with me like every other year.... i can proudly say that i finally made them and mastered her recipe :) it was one of the best feelings to hear from the family that they were so good and just like hers... also on Easter my momma would make a bunny cake so this year i suprised everyone with it and my cousin paid me of the best compliments i could ever have been told. She told me that having the cake there made it seem like my momma was really there... so these things have helped me and in time you will be able to do the things you and your momma did.  but like everyone says you arent alone. i cant tell you its gets easier cause me personally it doesnt... it just gets easier to accpet.  i hope these have been some words of encouragement for you.

 

sue--- well thats pretty sorry bout that guy and im sorry bout your mommas anniversary, to me the first year was the hardest... i stayed busy cause i had to work that night (graveyard shift) which happen to be around the time she died and i told everyone just to leave me alone... you arent alone even if its just a friend on a blog you always have someone to listen or talk to.  i know what you mean bout feeling alone... i was engaged when my momma passed and she loved my ex.  he told her he was going to take care of me and not worry and well after she passed i drowned myself in work. i worked two jobs and was usually tired when i got home... he would go play cards with the guys so i assumed it was ok cause i just wanted to rest. well a year and half later i find out he was cheating i tried sticking it out but i couldnt we went our separate ways and all i could think bout was now i was alone cause he was all i had after my mom.  anyway i tend to ramble so im gonna stop but point of my reply was it will get better after my ex i was single for about 4 years and finally have met a decent good guy that is amazing.   my momma would have loved him. and im sorry your expierence with plenty of fish was awful that happens to be where i met my guy, but i would be careful also a friend of mine had tried another one called okcupid and she had a similar expierence. just be careful but one day when its time for you to meet your prince you will. i know the hardest thing is to be patient but in due time :) when i met my bf i had made a new years resolution that i gave up on love and i wasnt gonna look for it and had forgotten bout the profile i had made and well we connected but of course i took my precautions. 

 

well ladies i think i have rambled enough i hope my insight does help you a little. have a GREAT day and God Bless!

Comment by Aimee on May 23, 2012 at 8:53pm

Storyas,

Thank you for writing back, your support is very much appreciated.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 23, 2012 at 8:25pm

Sue - You're right.  Life is a lesson.  My husband had a similar experience with his ex-wife.  She had no criminal record, but after he was married to her he found out that she was a con artist, that she took people for money when she could get away with it, etc. - and she kept getting away with it till she died last year from a blood illness that may have come from drug use (no, my husband does not have it, he was tested - thank God).  I think she had mental disease.  She could charm people so easy and make people think he was the crazy one when he was only going crazy cuz she was making him crazy.  After that experience, I tell everyone that they need to be careful about meeting people on the internet.  I'm so super careful.  I'm not on Facebook, Linked In or anything.  A person with a criminal record is just somone who got caught, but there are lots of dishonest people out there who look really good on paper.  I think it's best if you try to meet someone in that small town where you know everyone.  It takes a long time to get to know someone well enough to know you can trust them.  And, unfortunately, kind hearted people seem to be targets for these types of personalities.  I've had a few of them in my life too.  One of them I was so mad that I asked point blank, "Why did you use me like this?"  The answer - "You were so kind I knew I could get away with it."  It is good to be a kind person, but it takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable enough to be kind.  Be careful.  I will pray for you that you meet a special friend to help you through this time - a trustworthy special friend.  May I add you, first name only for privacy, to my prayer list at church.  I know that most of the people at my church actually do take the time to pray.

Aimee - you are not alone or crazy.  I think the people who don't feel much when they loose someone are the crazy ones.  We who hurt like heck are the normal ones, because we know how to love.  And, you are not alone - we are here.  Maybe some of the people you think have moved on are feeling as bad as you do, but sometimes its harder to open up to those who are closest to us.  That's why we are here.  And, it is hard to face things like summer or any other time we loved spending time with our loved one.  It does get easier with time, but I'm not sure if it ever goes away.  It sounds like you were like me and my mom.  I never lived more than a few blocks away from her, and we did everything together.  Some guy in New Orleans wanted to marry me about twenty years, and there was no way I was moving that far away from my parents.  I turned him down.  We tried to make it work long distance for a couple of years, but it finally fizzled out.  I'm not sorry.  I would have rather been with my mom, and I never doubted I made the right decision to stay here with my parents.  But, when you are that close to them like you were to your mom and I was to my mom, it hurts like heck when we loose them, because our every day was with them, and we've got to go on living our every day without them.  That stinks!  But, I do think your mom and my mom would both want us to live in the moment and enjoy our lives, but that's not so easy to do.

Comment by Aimee on May 23, 2012 at 6:04pm

I am so happy to have found this site.  Thank you to everyone for their honesty about their pain, I don't feel so alone or crazy.  Its so hard to loose my mom.  Its been 10 days since she passed away from cancer, on Mother's Day.  I am so grateful because she spend the day with me one last time.  Its hard with summer coming and all the things we had planned and that she won't be there.  Its still unbeleivable to me that I will never talk to her again, my best friend.  When the phone rings for split second I think maybe its her, then reality hits.  People have stopped calling and sending cards, it feels like I'm suppose to

be over it by now, everyone else has moved on, but me.  I miss her so much I can barely breath sometimes.  I feel like I'm in daze and I'm trying so hard to come out of it for my son's sake.  I know she would want be to be there and in the moment with him.  Thanks for listening.  Take care.

Comment by Sue Waxman on May 23, 2012 at 8:50am

Storyas,

Thank you for writing back. I am so mad at myself for being duped by this guy. My boss/best friend did a back ground check on him and it came out OK. We both think he is married/or attached and just wanting some excitement on the side. I wrote him an e mail for closure for myself. I don't do the bar thing unless it is an after work thing with friends - home by 7 pm. I have lived in the same town for 35 years and know everyone. He lives about 1 hour away in Naples. Everything in life is a lesson.

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