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Comment by Lynda Pool Vonderlage on July 23, 2012 at 8:17pm

I lost my mom to lung cancer today. I was with her until the end. She was on hospice, but it was brutal. She struggled to tell us something at the end but couldn't talk and it hurt so much. She tried for 8 hours before she gave up. She is my hero. Iam not sure how to live life without her.

Comment by Mary on July 23, 2012 at 2:12pm

Sue, good news is, you aren't!  We may not be there in person, but we are here on this support group.  (((hugs)))

Comment by Sue Waxman on July 23, 2012 at 11:22am

Casey is adorable. I am having a crappy time lately. I feel so alone.

Comment by Mary on July 22, 2012 at 11:04am

Thank you Storyas, today is a better day, I did talk to someone and I did get out and do something so I feel some better.  I have never felt suicidal but can certainly understand how easy it would be for someone to reach that point, and I know my mom would NEVER want me to harm myself.  I think as my counselor friend said, I had been so immersed in taking care of my moms affairs these last 4 months that I had not really had time to truly grieve so now that things are a little less hectic and I am not 24/7 doing mom related things that I am starting my grieving process whereas everyone else has already been in it. It's so very hard thinking I won't be able to just go talk to her and hug her.  I know she is still with me, I just wish I felt her all the time.  This online support group is a lifesaver and each of you on here such blessings.  Thank you!

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on July 22, 2012 at 6:38am

Mary, although I think it is natural to want to go be with the one we lost, please promise me that if you ever feel suicidal that you will go straight to the emergency room or if you are heading in the direction of feeling suicidal that you will confide in a trusted friend and let them take you to the doctor.  As much as we want to be with our mom's again and as much as they probably want to be with us again, I can guarantee that your Mom would never want you to harm yourself.  No mom would.  If she thought you were going to harm yourself, she'd be worrying about you from heaven.  Any Mom is going to want their child to enjoy life while they have life and leave that life only when it is naturally their time to go.  If you are a Mom, I'm sure you feel that way about your kids and know that what I'm saying is true.  I'm sorry you are feeling so bad and am glad you are coming here and will be going to a local grief support group.  I know how bad it hurts.  I didn't even feel like I took a good breath for two years after my mom died.  She was my best friend I'd ever had, so even now a few years later, I still get on here, because I still long so much for things to be the way they used to be, and I miss her so bad still.  I still have dreams on a regular basis where it's like I'm with her and I'm trying to persuade her to take her medicine and she is telling me that she is not sick that she lived even though the doctors told her she wouldn't, which I think is her way of telling me she is till alive.  But, one thing I can tell you is that even though I miss her this much a few years later, it is not mingled with so much pain as it was early on.  Now I can think of the good memories and not just be swaddled in pain all the time, and it will get better like that for you too.  Please believe it will get better and hold onto that hope if nothing else sustains you until it starts to get a bit better.  And, try to do something you enjoy if you can.  If you can't, try to get someone who cares about you to take you out and do something fun with you to get you moving in the right direction.  I promise you it will get better with time.

Judy - Casey is so cute.  Casey looks exactly like the first dog I ever had of my own, except my dog was black.  I got him when I was 18 years old and got my first apartment.  His name was Jeffrey.  He was a poodle/schnauzer mix.  Other than the color, Casey looks just exactly like Jeffery - Jeffrey even used to look at me with the look on his face that Casey has here.  It's funny - I hadn't thought about Jeffrey in a while and then earlier this week I ran across his old vet records and now I see Casey who looks like him.  You are in for lots of joy.  My Jeffrey was a character, and I love him so much.  I'm sure Casey will bring a lot of joy to your life like Jeffrey brought a lot of joy to my life.  Give him puppy kisses for me too.  Thank you for sharing the picture.  He is awfully cute.  And, the dog I have now was a chewer when I first got him.  He'd even chew lightly on me.  It ended up being stress and he calmed down and stopped doing it when he realized he was safe and in a home that wasn't going to go away.  Maybe you'll have a similar experience with Casey.  Have a good trip home.  I pray for your Daddy that he will be okay and have no problems with his procedure.  And, try to think of the good memories you have of your mom in their house if you can.  I know it will be hard to be in that house without her.  It was for me at first.  But, I took care of my dad in their house after my mom died.  At first it was really hard but the more I went there the easier it got.

Comment by Ann on July 22, 2012 at 3:12am

Casey is an angel!  You are truly blessed to be able to have a companion like him.  Give him puppy kisses for me.

Comment by Judy on July 22, 2012 at 1:10am

Casey, around 2-3 years old, 16 lbs.

 

Thank you everyone for the comments and instructions. I am so technologically challenged! It seems like this photo is going to be really huge. I hope I'm not junking up the board...

Ann -- I sure hope your friend was able to come and take you out of the house. It sounds like you are really going through hell. It's true that part of that could be chemical --  maybe you need different meds? It's a real balancing act. I don't mean that you shouldn't have your feelings. They are necessary to heal. But it could be that you need to check things out with a doc. I'm sure no expert; I'm just thinking of what you could do to help yourself.

Storyas -- Casey is a boy, and quite an active boy! He serves as a great distraction as he is chewing chewing chewing & needs constant "guidance." I am leaving tomorrow to go be with my dad as he is having surgery. I think Casey will be happy to hang out with my parents' atomic Chihuahua! I absolutely dread walking into the house without my mother there, and I sure hope my father's procedure goes off without a hitch. He's getting his prostate "reamed."

So, I'll be gone a week or 10 days. I am taking the support from the people on this board with me. Thanks to all of you.

 

 

Comment by Ann on July 21, 2012 at 11:54pm

Thank you for the prayers, they are appreciated.

Comment by Mary on July 21, 2012 at 9:46am

Ann, I think I know what you are going through.  For some reason, these last few days have been so difficult for me.  I have been crying all the time, heck I am crying now as I write this.  I miss my mom so much.  Yesterday all I could think of was I missed her so much and wanted to see her so bad, I just wished my time would come so I could go be with her.  I have cried myself to sleep the last 3 nites.  I think I am going to have to go see my doctor and talk about maybe some medication and am going to have to find a support group here locally where I can find folks to talk to. 

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on July 21, 2012 at 6:47am

judy, if you have a picture of Casey on your computer, it is easy to share a picture.  In the place where you type the message, there is a blue bar above it with commands.  The second one from the left, press it.  At the top it will say file.  Hit the browse button next to file and then go into the directory on your computer where the picture is and select it.  Then, once it is loaded, hit okay at the bottom.

I'm so glad you have Casey.  I do believe your Mom sent him/her to you to help you through your grief.  I bet already he/she has made you feel a bit better.  Is Casey a boy or a girl?

Enjoy your Casey.  I know having a dog will help.

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