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Comment by Brad Busby on September 18, 2012 at 3:20pm

My father passed in 1983 and that was of course pretty tough on a 20 something college student, after i graduated college i took a job in my home town so that i could help my mom with things. she worked and was very independent so things were fine, for years to come, then in 2000 she had to quit work that she loved at age 74 due to knee problems and soon after a bout with breast cancer, she kicked the cancer and had knee surgery and i was there to take care of her as she had to move into my house, i was now single again and was glad to be able to help (i have no siblings or children) in 2005 they found lung cancer and she kicked that (she was very strong willed and had a very positive outlook on life) about 2008 i noticed changes in her mentally by 2009 she stopped working her games on the computer and stopped doing her puzzle books, and later she stopped watching her tv programs all together. in 2009 she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. now i was taking care of her pretty much 24/7 of course she could no longer drive or do many of the things she use to love to do, such as cooking, etc.

she moved into stage 2 Alzheimer's late 2011 and by March of 2012 i had a bit of help with home care, but that was only 2 days a week, but was very thankful for them., on August 20th 2012 mom suffered an aneurysm in the brain which caused a severe hemorrhagic stroke, mom suffered in ICU and later Hospice in the hospital for 10 more days, it was the hardest thing i had ever been through to watch her wither away knowing there was no hope and nothing i could do but pray that she would be out of pain in those last days, i had support from many friends and cousins (all of my aunts and uncles had already passed on) when she passed at 11pm that night even though i knew it was coming at any moment it just tore me up, the only person who ever loved me completely and unconditionally was gone., the sense of loss was almost more than i could handle, the worst times are when i am in this house alone and the thoughts start to pour in, i am a grown man who has been through many hard times in my life but nothing has ever caused this much pain to me, i feel like i have lost a part of my soul. i know the hurt never goes away and i know that she is no longer in pain and is with my dad and her mom and dad. but at times i feel like what now? what is my purpose in life, i just spent the last several years taking care of my mom and now what do i do.

Comment by Mary on September 18, 2012 at 9:46am

I was just thinking last nite and wondered if anyone else is having the same feeling.  My mom passed on March 21 of a brain tumor and it all happened so fast.  We really did not know she had the tumor until she was at a point where she did not know us and did not know what was going on.  I mean one day I am having lunch with her and talking to her on the phone and the next I am taking her to the doctor, she doesn't know my name and she's got a brain tumor that is going to take her away from us.  I didn't get that "closure" to know that she knew what was going on, that she was ok with the decisions we made, that she knew that she was dying, that she knew I loved her more then life itself. I wonder if she had known what was going on if it would have made any difference.

Comment by Judy on September 18, 2012 at 12:58am

Wow, this must be a pretty specific group -- I am an only child, too! I am wrestling with a lot of these same issues. Not necessarily with my dad, but with a friend of 55 years who is sort of bossy and "adopted" my mother as her own years ago. That's another story, but I don't want her to be my "sister" right now. I don't want her to think she's my equal. I know that sounds whiney, but I do understand that thing in us that doesn't want to share... I agree with Brette that you shouldn't get too isolated, Aimee. It really just makes the pain so much worse. Of course, there are those tiimes when you want the world to go away so you can grieve; I think that's a healthy thing. But don't shut out those people who genuinely do care... I cry almost everyday, too. I only knew she was sick 10 days before she died. It was four months ago Saturday.

Comment by Brette Stinson on September 18, 2012 at 12:33am

Aimee,

I know exactly how you feel!!!! I lost my mother to colon cancer as well in March of this year and I went through her birthday,which wasnt to bad but I am anticipating the holidays coming up.  I am an only child as well and I lost my father in 2002. Its ok if you want to have her to yourself, I mean you are the only child and as only children we want things to ourself.  Its okay to isolate yourelf for a little while but not to long. We all need to people to get by in this crazy world and even though that person that you are close too, rather it be your father or husband you still need them to be sane. I miss my mother so much she was my everything, so I know exactly how you feel.  The only thing or person that will heal that loss is time and that wont heal until we see them again.

Comment by Aimee on September 17, 2012 at 9:24pm

Hi everyone, Haven't been here in some time.  I lost my mother to colon cancer in May 2012.  I was her caretaker and there when she passed.  I had my first birthday without her in August and am already trying to prepare myself for the holidays without her.  I miss her so much, it seems I still cry everyday.  I am having a strange feeling and not sure if anyone else felt/feels this way.  I have been to her grave once since she passed and found it to be very emotional, and am feeling ready to go again soon.  People have asked about going to visit her but I don't want anyone else to visit her except my father and husband. (I'm an only child).   I feel very protective about who visits her.  I get upset if someone wants to visit her. I miss her so much I don't want to share her with anyone.   I want to be left alone with her, at least for now. My dad said something interesting - He said I didn't want to share her because I didn't want to share my grief.  I needed/wanted to be left alone to grieve privately.  It's true, it made sense.  Anyone else feel this way?  Thank for reading.  My heart is with everyone here who is hurting too.

Comment by Brenda Ann on September 16, 2012 at 3:43am

www.grief-and-comfort.com is free and confidential. It is email based so is one on one counseling.

Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on September 15, 2012 at 12:30pm

One on one is great, I'm not telling you that I think you should do it, but I just know from my experience, it helps some! I like this group because it's strickly for people who have lost a loved one and I'm so glad that I came across this one! It really is hard to find someone who can identify what it's like and understand, cause we feel so alone..well atleast I did, but since being on here, I realize that I'm not! Do what helps you Mark, because any little thing counts!

Comment by Mary on September 15, 2012 at 10:17am

Hospice will provide one on one therapy as well and they also have a sliding fee scale for those in need, additionally many bigger churches have social workers who they make available to counsel those in need. I don't know if you have a Kroger, Target or Walmart near you, but they have $4 prescriptions and I was able to get a $4 antidepressant.

Comment by Mark on September 15, 2012 at 8:18am

I tried group but there was no connection at all for me.  Hospice offers it for an entire year free after losing a loved one.  I went with an open mind but went away aching for so many people who were dealing with the same unbearable feelings I wasn't sure if that was healthy for me.  Add into the mix when I opened up about my loss they all sat their shocked and the counselor admitted he'd never heard of a living situation like mine and handed me multiple pamphlets to apply.  It just made me feel like an odd ball which fit perfectly into my life but I was hoping maybe just that one time things would be different.  They mean well but at this point I'd be more inclined for the one of one stuff.  It's hard to find someone who can identify with me to understand what goes through my mind in all of this so I try to rely on myself to get through it because that's how I did with all of lifes challenges all along.  For some I'm sure group works.  I like this place a lot if it's a good indication how group can work in a positive way.

Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on September 14, 2012 at 11:16pm

Groups don't help me either, because there is no grief support group where I'm at, it's just for every day problems..some people don't understand! Individual therapy helps me, been seeing her for six years now, so I trust her fully! I really hate that you can't afford it!:/

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