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Comment by Judy on September 19, 2012 at 11:39pm

Brad -- Your mom did a great job to "tender" you up (what a great term!), but it couldn't have happened without your participation. It's quite refreshing to have a man open up so much about his feelings. Lots of men think they have to be so tough; I'm sure glad you chose to spend some time here with us. We all totally get the way you feel & all the things you miss... My relationship with my mother was difficult for a lot of my life, but we both lived long enough to "get it right." The last several years were so free. We just let each other be who we were, period. It's very easy to let the love flow when you don't have to be any particular way. I'm forever grateful for that gift. So many people lose a parent before they can get all of the barriers out of the way... I wish I knew if my mother knew my dad and I were there with her after her surgery. We didn't know she'd had four major strokes; she just never came to. My dad was uncomfortable talking to her, touching her -- at least at first. I did a lot of both, but I just don't know if she was able to hear me or feel my hand on her face. After the second day when she had been in so much pain but was not responsive, they put her on propofol, and she never moved again. I still kept talking to her, even though I guess she was too drugged to know what was happening.

Comment by Ann on September 19, 2012 at 10:49pm

What I miss is being loved and loving.  I have friends who care about me but no one who loves me and I don't know if I can live the rest of my life without being loved.  I miss the hugs, the kiss on the cheek, the hand on my forehead when I'm sick.  How can I live without that for the rest of my life?

Comment by MSB on September 19, 2012 at 10:39pm

Mary, that is so true. I did well for almost 3 weeks. Yesterday started to go downhill and today was even worse. My mom's birthday is next Tuesday, so i think it will remain hard. Sometimes, I just wonder, how do i live like this the rest of my life.

Comment by Mary on September 19, 2012 at 11:39am

I received a booklet in the mail today about working through grief and there was this quote in there and I wanted to share it, as it is so very true. "Grief comes in and out like waves from the ocean. Sometimes when you least expect it, a huge wave comes along and pulls your feet right out from under you." Alan Wolfelt

Comment by Mary on September 19, 2012 at 11:37am

trust me Brad, your mom knew you loved her whether you said it or not- I am saying that as a mom who has 2 kids who seldom say they love me because they just have a hard time expressing their feelings in words but they say it in actions. This online community is a great help, I agree-it's that common bond we all have of losing a mom.

Comment by Brad Busby on September 19, 2012 at 12:16am

Thank you Aimee and Mary, yours words are a help to me, just needed someone to talk to about all of this, and for me it is more comfortable doing so here on the net., we here all have this in common so you all know what i am feeling. and it does help to talk it out, the problem i had my entire life was not sharing my feelings with anyone, but in the last few years after my mom came to live with me she (for lack of a better term) "tendered me up" and i was able to show so much more love for her verbally in the last 3 years or so, and i am very thankful for that, Don't get me wrong, we had been very close my entire life, at times she was the only one there for me, but i was just never able to express my feelings until she became ill, that i do regret, i wish i had done so much earlier in life, but she knew how i felt. thanks again for the nice words.

Comment by Mary on September 18, 2012 at 11:16pm

Thank you Aimee for those words.  This group helps in so many ways it was great to hear you say that you wonder where she is, what she is doing and if she is alright.  I too wonder those things all the time.  I find myself looking up to the sky and saying, "mom, where are you, where is heaven, are you ok?"  I have to agree, my mom loved life and would want me to live mine and I am really trying.

Comment by Aimee on September 18, 2012 at 10:12pm

Mary,  I believe when people are dying there is another sense that comes in to play.  Three weeks before my mother died she called to tell me that she felt the end was near, I asked her how and all she said was that it was a feeling.  My mother had brain damage in the end and was unconscious but I strongly believe she knew I was there.  Love is very powerful.  Please don't doubt that she knew you loved her.  There are some things we don't get the chance to say but they are already known.  Its been 4 months and I too am searching for closure.  I think it will come when I meet her again some day.  Everyday I wonder where she is, what she is doing, is she alright.  In the end I was making all the decisions regarding my mother's care and still wonder if I did everything I could have done.  I just tried to make sure she didn't suffer.  It sounds like it would not have made much difference had she been aware of what was happening.  It sounds like she had her loving family there when she needed them and that is what is most important.  If nothing else she felt loved.  And that is what I wanted most for my mom in the end - to feel loved.

Comment by Aimee on September 18, 2012 at 9:54pm

Brad, I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my mother in May to colon cancer after a 28 month battle.  For the last 4 months I basically moved myself and young son in with her and my father ( my husband had to work) to care for her - around the clock.  It was heartbreaking to watch this woman who loved me beyond measure fade away.  She would tell me that she is going to try more treatment, etc. to have just one more day with her grandson.  The chemo resulted in several strokes, the last one  left her nearly blind and her left side paralyzed.  Eight days before she passed terminal restlessness set in.  The lack of oxygen and toxins in her blood from her failing liver were causing intense restlessness and almost complete disorientation.  After 2 days the visiting nurses finally found the theraputic dose of a sedative and  she never woke up again.  I felt so helpless.  I know she knew I was there and your mom did too.  You were there in her hour of need and she knows that and loves you for it.  I remember the moment she died.  All I could say is "she's gone".  She died at home and I held her for at least an hour.  After the funeral I went home and did not know what to do with myself.  So I tore up my yard for over a month. I mean really tore up my yard. I got dirty, rearranged bushes, flowers, etc. It helped.  I was able to take some of my anger and grief out. My mother was a fighter and loved her life and would want me to live mine.  Thats how I have come to honor her.  I live my life through the tears because that is what would make her proud.  It takes time to get there though.  It been 4 months for me and I am only now feeling like "ok I can do this" - other days there is just sadness.

Brette and Judy - thank you so much for your support.  I just love her so much and miss her terribly.  She is always with me in my heart.

Comment by Mary on September 18, 2012 at 8:20pm

Brad, I am so sorry for your loss.  It doesn't matter how old you are or how much you have been through, losing a mom you loved so very much and whom you grew so close to is heartbreaking.  Though my mom still lived on her own, I helped her out a lot and when she passed I felt a definite emptiness and feeling of "what do I do now." I still have that feeling from time to time, but it has gotten some easier.  Don't get me wrong, I miss my mom terribly and still grieve considerably but the pain of the loss has gotten better, in that it is not as intense.  This online group is a great help because we all share that one commonality.

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