Comment

Comment by Judy on September 24, 2012 at 5:46pm

Mark -- I can so totally relate to the "slide show in your mind." I think the problem is that I can't seem to turn it off. And I can't control when it appears. Oddly, brushing my teeth has become an awful time. I seem to drift quickly into a sobbing session, which is a disaster with toothpaste in your mouth! I guess it's just empty time, and that's when those last few days haunt me so... I think we could all actually write that book (Things Not to Say to the Grieving for Dummies). I know I have a list in my head just from this one friend of mine. She was never close to her mother, so she doesn't have a clue... I can't say for sure because my experience has been different from yours, but it sounds like the feelings you're dealing with now really are a form of PTSD, or maybe an "anniversary" type of thing. Plus, I think autumn is just sort of a sad time, anyway. The life force is subsiding all around us; it has to reflect what we're feeling somehow... You are going to make it, Mark, even though you don't know how or why. Maybe you'll know the right thing to say to someone who posts on this board one day, and it will help them immeasurably. I know that doesn't feel like a good reason when you are in the middle of so much pain; nothing would feel like a good reason because reason has nothing to do with it... Do you have anything of your mother's that you can keep in your pocket so that she's "with" you all the time? I wear an anklet of my mother's; somehow, it helps. Then there are those times that you described in an earlier post when there is nothing but brutal pain. Those are such difficult times, but they are totally normal.

 

What a wonderful gift you gave everyone in your family, Brad -- not just your mother -- by getting your family together for her last birthday. A star in your crown! BTW, this is the first time I've seen a picture of your mother; she looks like an angel.

Comment by Mark on September 24, 2012 at 1:26pm

Brad and Mary, thanks for the kind words.  Unfortunately, I pretty much expected my moms sister to say the things she did.  She's built that way.  She scripts everybody to her liking.  I wish there was a book called things not to say to the grieving for dummy's 101.  Ironically, one of the lessons I've learned in all of this is what I'd never ever say or do to someone who is suffering a loss of a loved one.  The wrong comment can definitely be a triggering point.

I want the rest of this year to hurry up and finish.  One of the hardest things is recalling a year prior and what was happening at this time.  I don't know if it's a form of post traumatic stress syndrome or what it is but when stuff like that hits it's almost like you see certain events in a slide show in your mind and it's unbearable.  I'm constantly saying to myself it's really hard to believe all of that took place.  I'm not sure if I'm suppose to embrace that horror so it will go away or fight the images.  I tend to push them away and I think that's what exhausts me because I'm constantly having a battle inside of me to avoid all of that but I just don't want to go there and relive any of that.

It's so funny because I say to myself it's going to be ok I'm going to make it.  I am making it and in the same thought I'm also wondering why do I want to make it?  LOL

I'm a yo yo  hahaha well, you know what I mean.  Thanks again for the responses.

Comment by Brad Busby on September 24, 2012 at 1:02pm

Mark, don't let anyone tell you to get over it, there is no bond stronger than that of a mother and child, for me it has been almost one month now and i am totally alone, i have no family other than some cousins, most of which live far from me, they try to help me via facebook, one cousin has been amazing with his support considering he lives half way across the country. i am blessed to have some great friends who are more like brothers and sisters to me than just friends.

but on those times when i am alone (most of the time) the memories come back and like you there are some days when i can hardly even function, i took care of mom for the last few years of her life, she lived here with me all that time and was with her every day, when i went somewhere i took her with me as i had no one to stay with her, but now looking back i am glad for the extra time i was able to spend with her. her last birthday in June was great, i was able to get most of the family who lived within 100 miles and friends to be there for her, she loved it, and it was the last time many of them got to visit with her, and they all mentioned to me after she passed how thankful they were to be there.

Mark i can't really tell you any more than others have said here, just keep trying to stay busy (it really does help) if you need to be alone to grieve, so that, it helps as well., also for me looking through photos seems to help me (that may or may not help you, but give it a try)

I wish you the best and i will say that this site has been a big help to me, so many people going through the same thing, is a great comfort, i know i am not alone and there is support out there.

Comment by Mary on September 23, 2012 at 3:01pm

You aren't schizoid Mark, if you are, most of us are :)  My counselor said it is all natural and will happen everytime there is a "trigger" something that reminds of us our loved ones.  I have those moments-they debilitate me and then the next day I am fine and might be that way for a week or more, then another trigger and I begin to lose it again.  Today is a frustrating day.  Whenever I needed to vent to someone my mom was always there and today has been one of those days.  Your Aunt was WRONG, there is no timeline for grief, everyone is different and I seriously think it is different based on your relationship with the person you lost.  I am glad you have been offered something she would be excited about-maybe she pulled some strings for you with the "big guy" and got you that opportunity because she wants to see you have it.  Not depressing at all-I think that when people share on here it helps us all to see that we are not alone.

Comment by Mark on September 23, 2012 at 12:36am

I swear some times I feel like I'm schizoid or something because it seems like just about the time I feel I've got a grip on this loss the heavy feeling hits again.  Today sucks!   I did real good with moms bday this week but I admit I prepared for it.  But for some reason today I feel so empty and tired. I can't really even describe this feeling.   I didn't even feel like moving.   I miss her so bad it's like I'm right back where I started.  This was the month last year when we were entering the final stages of hell and it comes back to me and it's gutwrenching.  I'm remembering things I don't want to think about.   There have been some good things that have happened  this month, but it's like that joy has worn off.  I'm realizing no matter what she's still gone.  I did drag myself to the store but felt like if anyone even dared to say one word to me I'd just start crying like a moron.  I'm mad at her sister who called on her bday to see how I was doing but to also inform me that since it's been 9 months now I should be just about over the whole shock of it all.  At least thats how she felt when she lost her last husband.  It was a stupid conversation given she's never going to get my relationship with my mom.  she may have felt a bond with her man intimately but my mother and I were bound in a spiritual way for my entire life.  Her blood flows through me.  I was her arms and legs my entire life.  This is the first time I've cooked or shopped without her in the equation.  This is the first time I've not called her when I was going to be late.  This is the first time in over 40 years I haven't seen her face or touched her.  Ever!  This is the first time in my entire life I haven't looked over my shoulder just to make sure she was ok.  But 9 months later after watching her rot away from some vile disease after all the other hell I'd watched her endure I should be pretty much over this?  I'm just bitching right now I guess but it's because I'm missing her so bad right now.  I've been offered a chance at something she'd be so excited about and it's so unfair she won't get to be a part of it.  Some days I believe she can see me some days I'm not sure.  I just wish this was all a bad nightmare and I could wake up.  Sorry if this is depressing.

Comment by Jayne on September 22, 2012 at 10:25pm

I miss my mom and still find it so hard to believe that I will not be able to see her and talk to her.

Comment by RUTH on September 22, 2012 at 9:05pm

not sure how much I fell like writing at this point...just need to say how much i miss my mom :-( I spent three months in a hospital with my mother when she was suddenly diagnosed with lymphoma...killed me to watch her fade away....

Comment by Mary on September 20, 2012 at 8:53am

MSB and Ann- you both ask how you can go on living without your mom for the rest of your life?  You muddle through, you pull strength from within-it does exist because the both of you exhibited it when you were there for your moms when they needed you most, you remember that your moms loved you so very much and that they gave you life so that you could live and that they did not give up when their mothers passed away or else you would have not had them the years that you did, and they would not want you to give up on life-I am sure they taught you to enjoy life and that yes there are bad things that happen and losing a loved one is one of those things.  You are not alone-even if you say you don't have any friends or family that love you, we are wrong-you have the people in here-we care about you and though we cannot reach out and physically give you a hug I can virtually hug you and everyone else on here who needs a hug!  ((((( )))))

Comment by Brad Busby on September 20, 2012 at 2:25am

Judy, sounds like our moms suffered much the same way, Moms last 10 days were spent in the hospital emergency room, ICU and later a hospice room of the same hospital, i was able to spend hours at a time with her in the hospice room over her last 6 days or so, i had a chair next to her bed and held her hand and talked to her, like you i don't know if she could hear me or not, i like to think she did. on her last day before i went home for the night i knew it was probably only a matter or a day or so., when i left i whispered to her to let go and be with her mom and dad and to not worry about me that i would be ok, that night at 11pm i received the call and even though it killed me i knew that the pain and suffering was over for her, that she was now at peace. thank you Judy for letting me bend your ear a bit, in fact thank you to everyone here, i am very thankful to have found this site and all of you!

Comment by Brad Busby on September 20, 2012 at 2:16am

Ann i feel very much as you do, i was married once we were not lucky enough to have children (something i always regretted but even more so now) now that i am completely alone in life i wonder how will i make it the rest of the way, the only person who ever truly loved me is gone now, i find that if i don't think about it too much and take things one minute, one hour and one day at a time i am able to hold up pretty well., the worst time of course are the quiet times with no tv or computer on. which is why i am still having a lot of trouble sleeping i guess. Hang in there Ann, there are people who love you, no love is greater than a mothers love here on earth, but that does not mean you are not loved, your friends and family love you, and it would hurt them dearly i am sure to lose you. I know the holidays are coming up, not sure what i am going to do, but i want to spend those days with either family or friends, not a good time to be alone. i wish you the best Ann.

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 439
• 440
• 441
• 442
• 443
• …
• 542
• Next ›
• Page