My Mom's journey began in October of 2015. She had a left brained stroke. It left her paralyzed on the left side and some aphasia. She was in diapers. She couldn't understand numbers or words. She could talk and communicate, but her sentences were broken. She couldn't work a computer and remotes confused her. She couldn't understand the concept of time and didn't understand what day of the week it was. It was a very difficult time for us.

She was depressed, in pain, and cried at least 3 times out of the week. She refused to do physical therapy because she was in such pain when you moved her body. Just a diaper change heralded screams that no one would want to listen to. I bought a baby monitor to keep downstairs, so I had to listen to it 24/7 unless I was sleeping. Our lives were misery.

I'd have to sit and listen to her cry and scream out to God. She would drive my father out of the house and that made her cry more. I couldn't leave to breath because she would need help for something. I couldn't leave her. The times I did go out for a breather on our front porch the cries of her yelling for me was so hard. I had to harden myself so much during that time. I couldn't allow myself to feel anything, it was how I got through the days. I would scream at her because she was making her condition hard for us all to bear.  I would say, "Mommy, just because you're in such pain doesn't give you license to drive us all to edge of our sanities. I love you, but please stop it." She wouldn't listen, you couldn't reason with her due to the aphasia.

I recall several times I thought I was going to lose my mind. I told myself my Mother died the moment she hit the floor that morning having the stroke. I grieved for her the entire year she was left with us in the state she was. I stayed away from her except to feed her and do the housework. It was hard to be around her because of the pain she had. I felt it. I seen it. I heard it. I blamed myself for it because I feel asleep the night of her stroke. I normally was up all the time. I hated myself for what I had become at that point. Anger was so intense in me that I couldn't even read the Bible to her or pray. I was just disgusted, so was my Mother.

God eventually got a hold of me 8 months into her ordeal. He told me that I could choose misery or thankfulness. I had no idea what He wanted of me. How could I be thankful that my Mother was in that bed downstairs in misery? He said you choose your state of mind. You can be grateful your Mom is still there or just hate me and stay angry at me and yourself. I got a book called Choosing Gratitude and it changed my heart overnight. I started to show compassion to my Mom. We still had bad days. We still argued. We said horrible things to each other.

February 18, 2017 I was upstairs. My dad called and told me he was going out to get Mommy something for breakfast the next morning. This was around 730pm. I was in my bedroom, I always stayed there when she fell asleep so I wouldn't wake her up. Around 830 pm something told me to go down and get some tea. I went downstairs and started hearing her breath weird. She sounded like she had sleep apnea. I looked at her and tried to wake her up and she wouldn't wake up. I got very scared and called daddy, he rushed home. I called 911 and within 30 minutes they had her in the ER. I found her yet again. It scared the crap out of me. I was crying because she wouldn't open her eyes or talk to me.

They got her to the ER and then transferred her to the ICU because they determined she'd had a severe seizure. I got up the next day and changed her sheets on her bed because I didn't want her to be laying on a dirty bed whey they released her. They had several times before when we called 911. She was having her stroke while I was changing her sheets. This time the stroke hit her right brain. She fell unresponsive and the doctors told my father it was in God's hands if she came out of it. They transferred her to comfort care in the hospital. There was no hope for her to gain consciousness.

That next day something told me to get my butt up and get ready to go visit her. I listened to the small still voice. On our way down there, my father called the hospital. It appeared my mother woke up. It was a true miracle. For the next few days she was in and out of lucidity. I was able to say goodbye to her and spend some time with her. She wouldn't respond to anyone but my voice. It got to the point to where when she heard it, she'd struggle and fight to talk to me. It got her agitated and in pain. They had to give her anxiety meds to calm her down. I quit visiting with her two days before she died. I just couldn't do that to her anymore.

My father and brother were with her the day she died. I was asleep at the house. I was exhausted mentally and about to have a nervous breakdown at that point. She died on February 25, 2017 at 2:30pm. We both loved the movie While You Were Sleeping with Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman in it. It was funny that she died while I was sleeping. I woke up at 2:30 when she passed. I knew she was gone. The reality didn't hit me though until I was in the shower. I heard her voice tell me, "I'm gone now Jennifer. I love you. I'm home with God now." A few minutes later my family came in to tell me she had passed. I remember collapsing on the floor in my birthday suit crying my eyes out. I think I was in there about 5 minutes crying. It took me a while to collect myself.

Within 15 minutes of hearing about her death, I was picking out what she would wear in the coffin. A small still voice had me pick out a peach dress she wore when I was married. I knew where to go to find it and where to find her tube of lipstick she had for years. She wore it at my wedding as well. We got her stylist to fix her hair. No one ever touched her hair while she was alive but him so far as cutting it and styling it. Everything went alright so far as the planning of her funeral.

I attended the first two nights of her services. I was there from the time they opened the doors to the funeral home till closing time. I wouldn't leave my Mother. I seen her body for the first time since her death on February 27th. The smile she had on her face made me drop to my knees. It the most blissful smile I'd ever seen. I queried the staff and her stylist, they said it was on her face before she came to the funeral home. I knew from that point on Mom left it there for me to see to give me comfort. She was saying, "I've seen God's glory, Jesus Christ. I've seen Mommy. I'm home with them babe. I love you and I'll miss you. Do not cry or be upset for me. I'm happy. I'll see you again someday when it's your time to cross over to be with me and Jesus."

I refuse to mourn like those who have no hope. I will not worry about her being gone. I will not and refuse to deeply mourn her as if she is gone for good. I will see her again. I will be okay. She was my anchor on this earth. I call her my soul mate. I know she is with me. She is just not visible to my naked eye. I know where my Mommy is. I know where she is she won't scream in pain or cry anymore. I can't be totally destroyed over this because I know she is with Jesus Christ.

I made my peace with my Mommy. We were always psychically linked. We were always connected at the hip. Where she was, I was. I told people that Thursday night at her church services, "I have never felt so alone. The person who would be here comforting me and staying with me is in that casket. I was not a perfect daughter, but that woman was the perfect mother to me." Literally, at her funeral services for the two days we had them not a soul would sit with me. Everyone sat around my father and my little brother. I sat in front of my Mommy's coffin staring at her body. No one would come over to me or even bother talking to me. My Mommy would have been sitting by my side and having an arm around me hugging me. I knew she was doing that that night.

God has shown me so much since her passing to be with Him. I've learned that God allows suffering, He allows it so it will show us who we are in the midst of the suffering. I welcome suffering. I see who I am in Him. I thought more of my own Mommy's comfort than my own. I was glorifying Him by my actions each moment that I was interacting with others. I had no time for acting as if I had no hope in my life. I refuse to live without my faith.. so did my Mommy. The entire time she was suffering, NOT ONCE did she ever curse God. She may have asked Him, "Why me Lord?" She always begged Him to help her. He did, He helped her through each day. I tried my hardest to be there for her towards the end of her life.

I was determined to show her Godliness. I was determined to show her God hadn't forgotten about her. I told her this every day the last two months she was alive. God bless Him. I once told her, "Mommy I never asked to be born to you. I never asked to be born or even exist. I hate my life." Now I am like, "God thank you for having mercy on me and letting me this woman's daughter. Thank you for giving me that mercy upon mercy. Thank you for letting us love each other. Thank you for the close relationship with this woman. Thank you for giving me the privilege of breathing the same air she did."

If I had any advice for those of you who lost your mother, I would give this. Do not mourn as if you have no hope. Your Mother is in heaven with mine. They are happy. They are at peace. They are no longer bogged down by the worries of this life. I have been where you are. I have suffered a horrific loss. I lost my best friend and soul mate, I lost my dear sweet Mama. I miss her. I cry for her sometimes. I just ask God to carry me as He did the person in the Footprints Poem. He does this for me on a daily basis. I just refuse to let myself be as if I have no faith or hope. My Mommy wouldn't want that for me. She would tell me, Jennifer I love you. I miss you, but I am home now. Please don't be sad without hope.