Wedding Ring or No Wedding Ring?

I went to Borders yesterday for find a book on grieving.  My 13 year old niece was with me.  As I browsed through the limited "bereavement" section my niece was getting antsy.  She had gift cards that were burning a hole in her pocket and wanted to get going.  I quickly grabbed a book entitled Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg, MS.

I was thumbing through the book last evening before going to bed (to try to sleep) and the chapter To Wear or Not to Wear Your Wedding Ring ~ jumped out at me.  Not to wear my wedding ring?  What?  The thought never occurred to me.  I'm still married aren't I?  My husband passed away just 1 month ago today.   He's not here in a physical sense but I will be married to him spiritually until I leave this earth.

It's stated that by removing the wedding ring we are accepting the reality of the death and ready to move on to a new phase.  Ms. Ginsburg gave several different views on the subject and ended the chapter basically by saying it's up to the individual.  There were ideas about having the ring shaped into another piece of jewelry or passing it on to a family member for future use.  Right now, where I am with my grief, the thought of taking off my wedding ring is not something I could even consider.  I may or may not feel differently in a year.  Please let me know your thoughts on this.

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Permalink Reply by Tammy on January 3, 2011 at 4:47pm

Hi Patricia,

I read the book, Widow to Widow, and I think it is truly an individual decision. My husband died 13 months ago and I wear my engagement and wedding rings like I always have. I don't have any intention of not wearing them. I am a widow and unavailable. I'm not committed to a life of endless grieving. I'll learn to live with this pain, but I want to and will wear my rings. Patricia, do what makes you happy. Your husband just passed away a month ago. Don't feel like you have to make any decisions right now.

Take care, Tammy

Permalink Reply by Michelle Rautenbach on January 5, 2011 at 4:41pm

Patricia,

 

Sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.

 

I lost my life partner on the 13th of November, on old year's eve (it was raining) we were outside at the time, I lost my ring and I cannot explain to you how I felt.  The moment we found it, which took about half an hour to find, I immediately started crying.  There is no ways that I will be able to remove my ring now.

 

 

Permalink Reply by Patricia J. Jones on January 5, 2011 at 5:48pm
Thank you Michelle, I feel exactly the same way.  I am so happy to know you found your ring.  What a relief, Huh?
Permalink Reply by coachlouise on January 6, 2011 at 8:40pm
A ring is a circle no beginning and no end.
Permalink Reply by penny on January 8, 2011 at 5:24am
i lost my husband unexpectly 8 months ago today--i still wear my rings and i have no intention of taking them off--for i am still married--the law and bible may say otherwise but in my heart i am still married--i know i could never love or look at someone else esle they way i look and love my husband--my husband is also still wearing his ring for i wanted his ring to go with him
Permalink Reply by coachlouise on January 9, 2011 at 6:51pm

Life is like a circle

it goes on forever

like ripples in the water

they go out forever

 

I'll carry you always in my heart

I'll carry you always in my heart

 

I sang this song with four others at my sons service, like a ring a circle goes on forever

Permalink Reply by Jeannie Porter on January 10, 2011 at 11:41pm

Hi,

I lost my partner in oct/2011....I melted down all my gold and had a ring designed that enabled me to put her ashes(some) in the bottom half and then they put the top on and scribed our initals in the oval shaped top and underside the date..They say it has the look of what they call in the old days a sigar ring..I love it and I feel her so close this way. I am in a mess over this and so many people judge same sex marriages as if we have no idea what it feels like to loose your breath that made you alive and laugh everyday for 17 yrs. Ovarian Cancer is silent and everyone should be aware!!!!!!!!!!!  Pap smears do not get it...tell your moms,daughters.sisters,female friends..

SILENT KILLER!!!!!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by Patricia J. Jones on January 11, 2011 at 8:08am

Jeannie~

Thank you~I am a firm believer that love is love and loss is loss.  People who judge are not people that I ever wanted in my life.  I think I will eventually be giving my wedding ring to my daughter but for right now I can't part with it.  I worked for OB/GYN physicians for 25 years and I know that Ovarian Cancer is ugly.  By the time it's diagnosed it's generally nearing stage 4 cancer.  I feel for your loss.  I'm glad your ring makes you feel

close to your partner.  We have to find what joy we can.  Blessings to you.

Permalink Reply by Hope Quintana on January 11, 2011 at 12:33pm

Patricia,

 

I lost my husband almost a year ago. I wore both of our wedding rings for several months. One day the end of June (which was the 5 month aniversary of his death) I decided that I was going to stop wearing them. As much as I love him and still feel like I am married to him I felt like I was only fooling myself by continueing to wear them. I still miss him very much and on the 20th it will be the year anniversary of his death. I have been very greatful to have supportive family and friends that have let me grieve in my own way and time. None of them have ever told me to move on because that would be the most hurful thing to say to a widow or widower. I know that things do get easier as time goes by the hardest part is waiting for the time to go by.

Permalink Reply by D. Stone on January 12, 2011 at 10:42am

I lost my husband in June of 2010...until I am ready to remove it, I will wear my ring..it may be that I am never ready to take it off. As far as removing it helping me to face reality, I face it every minute of every day. When I wake and he is not beside me, when the phone rings and it's not him, when my grandson asks me to get a new PopPop for him, when my arms ache for his touch, and on and on. You get the point. We deal with the reality every second of every day and until some of these "counselors and authors" understand that, they will continue say stupid things like "by removing the wedding ring we are accepting the reality of the death and ready to move on to a new phase"

We own our grief and NO ONE can take it from us nor should they try.

Hold on if you choose and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve.
Permalink Reply by Patricia J. Jones on January 12, 2011 at 11:03am
Thank you D.  I feel exactly the same.  My grandsons also called my husband Pop Pop.  My two year old grandson just asked me again the other day, "Where's Pop Pop?"  What breaks my heart is that in a few months he won't  be asking anymore.   I'm going through exactly the same as you.  I wake up every morning and expect that warm body to be next to me in bed ~ then the sick sinking feeling takes over.  It's only been six weeks for me.  I'm just now hitting the reality phase as the I'm totally numb and in denial phase is ending.  I have to start learning to live all over again without my husband.  It hurts, it totally sucks, It's not something I want to deal with but I know I have to.   I feel like I've always been a strong empowered woman but this has taken me to my knees.  The thought of removing my wedding ring never even occurred to me.  The only way thing I would ever consider is passing the engagement ring on to my daughter for her own marriage.  Tlhe stones belonged to my mother-in-law and I want to keep that in the family.  Thank you for your comment.  Blessings to you.
Permalink Reply by penny on January 12, 2011 at 12:44pm
thank you so much for these words--i feel the same way--however i am all alone in this world--i lost muy husband unexpectly omn may 8th 2010 and as far as i am concerned i am still married for our vows were till death do we part not till death do i part

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