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Nothing changes... nothing ever will
I've been trying to find words to post here, and they just won't come. How many times can one say "My life ended and I want to die"? I'm still here, unfortunately. Still in agony every waking minute. Tired of being told that I have to be strong and get through. I can't, and I don't want to. Why can't anyone understand that?
I know people mean to help, I know they really want me to feel better. They don't understand-- or won't permit themselves to understand-- that I have only one truth now: my life is over, my husband is gone, and all I want is to follow him.
Robin Williams's death this week has hit me hard. I feel so sorry for his family... but worse, I feel envy for him. I hope he's found peace now-- joy, even. I think about it all the time, even though I'm too cowardly to actually do it. I don't want to hurt my family that way.
I've expressed my feelings to a few supportive people, and their response is, "Suicide doesn't end pain, it multiplies it." I see their point-- really, I do-- but it also makes me angry. It's so cruel, even selfish. They're saying, "We know you're in abject agony, but you have to go on suffering it indefinitely, just to prevent the rest of us from having to bear what we're demanding that you exist with for who knows how long." How is that fair??
Yes, I know... life isn't fair. But I didn't ask for this-- I didn't want my soulmate to leave me three days after his 40th birthday. As far as I'm aware, I've never done anything to deserve such profound pain. I was a good person, or tried to be-- a caring, empathetic person. My whole career is taking care of people. There's no point in demanding "Why me??" but I can't help it.
I don't know why I'm writing this, except to get some of it out of my head. I hate that there are others who feel this way. I've long questioned the existence of a benevolent deity (and please, I don't want to be preached to; if you believe and draw comfort from that belief, I'm glad for you, but I don't, and nothing you can say will change that)-- this all but proves to me that no loving god exists. If there is a god, he can only be a sadist, delighting in pain. If he were otherwise, he wouldn't have taken my love, my joy, my future. He would've taken some rapist or killer, not my sweet husband, who took care of us and never hurt anyone.
It's been four months... people tell me I'll feel different in a year, or five, or ten. I don't want to live that long, and I will never, never stop wanting to join my beloved. He was and is and will always be my everything. Someday-- soon, I hope, with everything that's left in me-- I'll close my eyes, and find him waiting with arms open. I won't even look back.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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I agree with every single thing you said in this post, and I feel exactly the same way.
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Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on
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I agree WHEN my time comes, I will be going to my husband with arms open wide, but saying that I can feel my husband standing beside me giving me Hell for even thinking like that how about you?
I don't think our loved one would want us to give up on life I know my soul mate would not and he would be fighting with me the whole way to keep me going... Who am I to stop now if he wouldn't ???
Good Luck to you I hope you find peace.....
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Permalink Reply by Wander on
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It's a nice thought-- it must be, everyone says so. "Your beloved wouldn't want you to be sad and miserable... he'd want you to be happy." And I'm sure he would. Two days before my sweet husband left, he told me, "All I ever wanted was for you to be happy." The problem with that is the fact that, in all my life, I was only ever truly happy with him. He left. There's nothing left for me, no chance for true happiness ever again in this world. And as far as what he would want... well, he left me here, alone, devastated. Frankly, he doesn't get a vote.
I don't mean to be snarky. I really am very sorry for your loss-- for all our losses here. I'd give anything to undo this nightmare. I wish I could think there was some point in my being here, but other than to take care of my kids, there's just not. I'm not even a person anymore-- I'm an automaton who moves through the day, doing whatever tasks are required to keep a roof over our heads and groceries in the fridge. I'm just... grief in human form. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere, unless I can be with him.
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Hi Wander, I'm new to this...first of all, sorry for your loss, I know you must have joined this because although you mention wanting to end your life, part of you must know it isn't the right answer. Yes your pain is deep, and you may have to force yourself to get out of bed & do everyday things. You mentioned you have kids? THEY are the reason you need to stay-you have to put yourself in your childrens' shoes-if you were to leave them, they would be devastated for the rest of their lives. They need you. No matter how depressed you feel, suicide is never the answer...the way you are feeling right now, is how others especially your children will feel, when you leave them that way. My father just committed suicide on June 14, which is why I'm on here, I'm the one that found him. You DON'T want to do that to your children. They need you. There are ways to start getting yourself out of your depression, I have to force myself to go outside & get some sun & try to preoccupy my mind with the future & my kids rather than focus on what happened. Every time I get a sad thought or start feeling depressed I replace it with something positive. Also, & you may not care right now but believe me, I know this-exercise & eating well...there is proof that exercise increases happiness, it increases your serotonin-your body's natural feel good drug, & I get that motivating yourself may seem hard, but once you do it, you will realize after exercising that you feel a bit better. I have to FORCE myself to do it as well, but I know it will be worth it after. Dwelling on negative thoughts, brings more negative thoughts, so why not start a gratitude journal...even if you just write the obvious-you are grateful for your kids, you are grateful to have had him in your life-even if for that short time. It is time to work on YOU, because you DESERVE it. Every little thing & every tiny step you take to make your day better, will bring you closer to finding some happiness. I have been finding that when I start dwelling on my dad's suicide, or play over the scene that I found, my mood worsens, but when I make myself go out in nature or be around positive people, or just go exercise or do something for a distraction, I feel better. I was not in the mood to go to the beach, my 17 year old daughter begged me, so I went with her & my 9 year old boy. Just sitting in the sun really did make me feel better & was glad I went. When loved ones leave us it tests our strength, you are stronger than you know, you just need people to help guide you in the right direction. Sure it takes time, but focus just on the present, do things for yourself & with your kids to make yourself feel better. I hope this helped some.
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Mia, I appreciate your input, and I'm so very sorry for your loss. I wish you peace, I truly do. I just want to say, though-- emphatically-- that I'm not depressed. I understand depression very well-- I've danced with that old hag more than once. I'm a registered nurse as well, and well acquainted with the disease from a medical standpoint. I know that, superficially, it looks like depression. It's not. It's grief, and it's not the same thing.
Yes, I am ineffably sad. I don't enjoy things I once did. I have little energy and have to struggle every day just to get out of bed-- yesterday, I swear, it felt as though I had a 50-lb weight sitting on my chest. Some days I overeat, just so I can feel something besides the terrible emotional pain. Some days I don't eat at all. The only thing I really want to do is sleep, because it's the only relief I get from this agony.
Sounds just like depression, doesn't it? Here's the difference: depression lies. It always lies. Low serotonin and norepinephrine cause low mood and emotional lability. Situations contribute, but the chemical deficit is what keeps us in the cloud. At my lowest point, depression had me convinced that I was a worthless waste of oxygen who deserved to stay with an abusive husband. That was never true-- that was depression. I was finally able to find a way to boost those neurotransmitters and take control of my life. I left the man who treated me like dirt, I realized I was worthy of happiness and real love. I married my soulmate, the love of my life, and, for the most part, kicked depression to the curb.
Then he died. My life ended. All I'm left with is this... despair. This grief. The symptoms are the same, but with one inescapable difference: this is not a lie. Grief is true. Horribly, achingly true.
My husband is gone. He's not coming back. I'm alone, I will be alone until I draw my last breath and finally get to leave this miserable world. I can't kill myself-- as you say, my kids still need me, and I have to take care of them. I'm not doing a very good job, but it's the best I can do right now. Maybe it will get easier, maybe it won't. It doesn't matter; I'll still be alone, bereft, devastated. All the serotonin in the world can't change the simple fact that my beloved left and went where I'm not allowed to follow.
It's not depression. It's my reality now. A ghastly, cruel reality that I endure only because I'm obligated to care for my children. They deserve better. My precious husband deserved better. So did I.
We didn't get it.
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