dealing with grief, guilt and depression. How can someone recover from something like this? I have nightmares and all I see is me standing in the doorway watching me hear his ladt heart beat and his last breath. I often get flash backs to those last few days. He was the most amazing young man I had ever met! And he was so strong. Not many ppl knew he had cancer cuz he didnt wanna worry friends or get any special treatment. I took care of him thru the whole process, all he ever worried about was if I was ok. He was purfect! He told me he wasnt afriad of dying cuz he was close with god, but he was afraid to leave me. All he worried about was me being alone and grieving. The most selfless person I had ever met. I was 18 when he passed and he was only 20. next month will be 5 yrs seince my love passed away and I feel its time I get help. Ive just gone hill seince then. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I cant go anywhere without having massive panic/anxiety attacks. And I feel myself falling into depression. Ive never seaked help before now cuz im scared. But I feel Im gunna get worse and worse if I dont get help. I had to quit my job cuz of my anxiety attacks happen so often. Can anyone plz give me some advise or free online counceling? I live in a really small town that doesnt have many options for help and I have no way of transportation. I feel like im doomed and trapped forever :'(
About my Loss:
When I was 17 I started dating my future fiance, a week after we started dating he found out he had liver cancer, so 2 days later they removed a tumor the size of a baseball!! He was in remission for 6 months. On his 6 month check up with his oncologist had informed us that the cancer had spread to his lhymp nodes. Over the next 4 months he had a PIC line inserted. The cancer caused hundreds of blood clots to form in both legs. So he was told he would have to give himself 2 blood thiner shot a day. I ended being the to do it for him. He was the love of my life! After about 3 months I slowely helped him learn to walk again. The chemo was very harsh and made him very sick. after reciving his chemo for 2 month I had noticed he had no function of half of his face and his arm felt very heavy so I called 911. It turned out that he had a blood clot in his brain. Fortunatly it disolved on its own. within about a month after calling 911 he had close to a dozen mini stroked caused by more clots forming in his brain. His docter then up'd his blood thinners and we spent a month and half living at OHSU hospital. The day we were discharged from the hospital he purposed! He had my engagment ring under the christmas tree and was gunna purpose christmas morning but he didnt wanna wait :) later that evening he had another stroke and it was the worst yet, I called 911 and when we arrived at the hospital they did a few tests and found out his brean was bleeding and we both were life flighted back to OHSU hospital. It turned out the bloos thinners were to strong and had thinned his veins that blood just seaped out. his dad arrived and we went strait into the NICU to see him. While we were visiting with him he had a siezure while being on the phone with his mom. after his siezure he was asleep. And I asked the nurse why he was snoring so loud and she said his body was just tired from what happened. But he NEVER snored!! So I asked the nurse if they could do a few more tests cuz I felt like something wasnt right. An hr later he woke up and looked at me and then to his dad and put his arms out for a hug. And then back to me for a hug. I said I love you zach and he mumbled I love you back, but it sounded like a toddler speaking. They called us at 4 am and said we needed to return to the hospital. We got there and they had him on life support. He was able to breath just fine on his own. But the siezure caused vaisel spasms and cut off blood surculating to a part of his brain that controled his speach. He was no longer able to talk, swallow or spit. So all his saliva started pooling in his lungs and he got namonia. We all desided to wait 3 days to see if he would get any funtion back. Zachs mom arrived the next morning. So on day 3 we took him off life support and woke him up. He kept trying to talk and was pointing to hos mouth. I gave hima pen and paper and he could bairly move his hand to write. All he wrote was "talk?". So we sadated him and put him back on life support. Tue doctors then went over everything with us and showed us a scan of his brain so we could see how much was dead. And that there was nuthing else that can be done, we could end it now or wait about 2 weeks for the cancer to take him. His parents ledt me to make the final dessision sience he was my fiance. Hardest desision a girl at 18 could make. As much as I wanted to be selfish and keep him here as long as possible for my own reasons I couldnt do that to him. He wouldnt want that. So december 23 2008 we signed all the paper work.Me his mom, dad and brother sat around his bed listening to his favorite music and told funny,sad and emberacing storys about him. They said it wouldnt take more than 3 hrs. Boy were they wrong! The next 3 days I layed with him with my head on his chest then on dec. 26, 08 at 6:43 am he took his last breath and I herd his last heat beat. Ill always love you zachary!
Jennifer
Female
Brookings, OR
United States
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