Barbara Santoli

Female

Lake Ariel, PA

United States

Profile Information:

About Me:
I am 65 years old and became a widow 3 months ago. Three months before that I retired from my job of 31 years.
About my Loss:
On August 3, 2011 my husband of 42 years died of a heart attack at home. I did cpr but could not revive him. I am feeling lost and confused and not knowing who I am anymore.

Comment Wall:

  • Mariann Bamberger

    Thank you for your kind words. The hardest part is the fact that we do not have any family, and our friends/acquaintences are "busy." I'm really trying to go on my own, but I find myself spinning around in a daze.  I have hit a number of roadblocks. The mortgage is in his name, the HELOC is in his name, I've been unemployed for 2+ years after being laid off, then being a full-time caretaker. Since our only income was his social security, and a small pension, there is now no income. I haven't even submitted the obit since I don't have the money. The funeral home is holding him "hostage" until they are paid, and I had to cash in some of his IRA to do that, which will be sent to the account so I can write them a check. I fear that I will be on the street. Since he handled all the bills & finances, I, unfortunately, did not pay enough attention to that issue.  I am now finding that he is in horrible debt, in which I will be accountable for.  Yesterday I was to the point of giving up but I know that isn't the answer, either. (Oh, so sorry to be ranting)

    Nov 3, 2011

  • Mariann Bamberger

    Barbara, thank you for beiing my sanity check.

    Saturday evening we had a small memorial/celebration of his life. I carried myself with the composure and dignity of Jackie Kennedy. When I came home to the empty house, I automatically wanted to tell him about who was there, their comments, the wonderful food, etc. It smacked me in the head when I (once again) realized that he wasn't there, and wasn't coming back. Perhaps I am still in denial, and wonder when and where it will finally really hit me.

    Today, I find myself ready to bawl, like I did the first week. Don't know what, if anything, prompted these strong emotions. It seems like the world is moving in slow motion. It feels like it was months ago, but has been only three weeks yesterday. I continually ask "Why is everything taking so long with the attorney?  What do I do next? Where will I be a month from now?"  I have always needed a plan, to be prepared as much as possible for even my immedient future, so it causes a lot of anxiety being in limbo.

    Going to pick up his business taxes which are due tomorrow.

    m 

    Nov 15, 2011