Hi Rebecca and Tina, 

welcome to the group. This is the place to go when no one understands why you are "still not over it" and why you "can't move on". People here understand. We are all here because we loved someone dearly, and lost them. Rebecca, it took me about 3 months before I felt I can breathe again. I kept feeling like there was someone literally sitting on my chest, knocking the breath out of me. It takes a long time to feel better - I know that sounds not very hopeful right now, but the main thing is to give yourself time. I completely understand about trying (and feeling like you are failing) to be a good mom and wife. I am right there with you. My daughter keeps telling me to get over it already, and I keep telling her that one day she will understand - and that I dread that day for her, because I don't wish that kind of hurt on her. 

Just hang in there, and come visit this group - it has been my life saver over the last 8 months. 

Hello. My name is Casandra. This is my first time commenting on this group. I lost my Dad a month ago. He had struggled for 3 years with end stage renal failure but when he died, he died of a heart attack. It was sudden and unexpected and very hard for me. I was/am a Daddy's girl. He was my best friend and I took his illness seriously. It was my turn to give back to him and take care of him as he'd done for me over the years. And the day before he died, he had been suffering from pneumonia. He thought it was still the pneumonia and I begged him to go to the hospital to check his heart but he didn't go. My nephew actually found him the next day, severely sick and in the middle of the heart attack. I had no car or way to get to him. It took me 2 hours to get to him after they'd gotten him to the hospital and he hung on just long enough for me to get there. He died in surgery, after trying to revive him. I was devastated. Not only because he died but because if I had found a way to convince him just that day before when I spoke to him to go, if I had had a way to get to him and take him myself, maybe he would still be here. But the thing is... there is no room for maybe's now. He is gone and I am devastated. To add insult to injury, my family tossed the burial and preparation into my lap. No one helped and they've all seemed to move on or don't want to talk about and can't understand why I am still upset, heart broken and weak behind all of this when they've moved on. It's hard and this is my first loss of anyone close to me for a long time. Some days I feel okay and then the moment I have a chance to think, I lose it. My thoughts are my own worse enemy right now. I don't know what to do  most days. I feel like I am just existing and not living right now. I've heard a million times to give it time and it will get better but right now, I don't see how that is possible when all I can do is cry. And I have to cry by myself, alone because I feel like if I talk to anyone about it I am just being a burden. But, I figured today I would share and see if I get any relief. 

Hi Casandra.  My Dad died on 6th january of lung cancer.  He was my best friend, advisor, total strength and my rock.  It has left me reeling in sadness.  I haven't been to my own house since - i've been staying with my Mum who has problems of her own to deal with as well as the grief losing her husband of 60 years.  The pain hasn't got any easier, we both feel totally lost without him.  However, memories of the last few days of him being ill are waining and good memories are taking over and i'm so grateful for those.  I'm sure it's my Dad's way of getting through to me and my Mum, almost telling us to think 'better' thoughts!  I will never get over losing him but i'm so thankful that he was my Dad.  I don't know if this helps any, but my grief and loss is making me make decisions i have never had to make before - and i thank my Dad for that.

Casandra, to some degree, I know what you are feeling.  I was not with my dad when he died.  I was with him until maybe three hours before he died.  I have hypoglycemia.  I was getting sick cuz I hadn't eaten much all day.  I was also getting ready to start my period and that combined with the low blood sugar was making me sick and impatient.  I asked him if it was okay if I went, and I think he said no.  I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him and went to take care of myself, and he died before i got back the next morning.  I still haven't forgiven myself for that.  But, when I hear you say you should have gotten him to the hospital the day before, I realize there is nothing you could do as you can't make a person do what they don't want to do.  But, I understand that second guessing our last decisions.  I am sorry you lost your dad so fast.  I know how bad it hurts.  I honestly did not think my dad would die that night, so it seemed sudden even though he had been sick.  I would recommend that you go over to the section on after death experiences on this website and see if you are getting any messages from your dad.  I got a lot of messages from my dad, and they brought me a lot of comfort.  I think my dad was trying to tell me not only that he was OK but that he knew I did the best I could do.  It still took a while to feel better, but those messages I got from him helped me to feel better faster than I did when my mom died and I got fewer messages.  God Bless You.

Thank you for the welcome. I feel like I'm being strong, but I definitely feel like there are moments when I just miss him a lot. It's also hard because some of the feelings are also tied to losing my cat at the same time. I feel like I am going about doing the things I always do. Sometimes it feels surreal and sometimes it feels okay. I know this is a period of adjustment. There are new, great things going on at the same time as new, not-so-great things. I'm not trying to be a Pollyanna or anything, but I'm definitely trying to appreciate all of the wonderful things doubly. The things that are hard, well... I know that patience is required, mostly from myself. I know that I will not be "right" for a while. I know I will miss my dad forever, and that's an okay feeling to have right now.

Cassandra.... I wasn't with my dad either. The hospice had called us the day before to say that the end was coming, so we spent about 12 hours in the hospice. My mom didn't want to stay anymore, and I didn't either. I think my dad didn't want us to be there when it happened. In fact, I'm pretty sure of it. I kept whispering to him that we were going to be okay and not to worry. The next morning, my parents' doctor called us around 8:30am to tell us that my dad wasn't responding and then 10 minutes later, the nurse on duty called to let us know he was gone. My mom didn't want to go back to the Hospice, but I wanted to thank them for being so wonderful (I ended up sending them the Time Quartet for the family room, as a thank you). I don't regret not being there because I know that is how he wanted it.

Tina P - I lost my most beloved dog I had ever had four months before I lost my dad.  I'll tell you the story of my new dog soon (remind me), because I think my new dog was a sign from my dad the way he came to me, but I lost two close together as well.  And, like you, no one understood why I was hurting so bad.  That dog was so close to me and many people felt I should just be over it - I'm still not.  And, a week after my dad died my own husband said to me when I was sitting on the couch crying that I couldn't use my dad's death as an excuse forever - I had not let it stop me from doing anything as my husband helps me with very little at home as he feels his only job is to go to work, but all I did was start crying.  How is that using it as an excuse.  So, I think on some degree I kinda know how you are feeling.  I did find an online grief support group for animal loss, and they helped me a lot as they understood the pain of loosing a pet even if no one else did.  They are at www.aplb.org.  You might want to check them out too.  Good luck.

I have a question for everyone.  I could really used your advice.  My dad was a child abuse survivor.  Instead of looking at any mistakes he made along the way, I looked at what he did right - never passed on the abuse, worked hard on crippled legs to support his family, etc.  So, I never saw the PTSD behaviors he sometimes had, and I never saw them as an excuse.  Now, I'm in grief and talking to people in grief and I have again learned that our pain is not an excuse.  Well, I received.  In addition, I am an LMT, so I have people come in for relaxation massage who are in extreme emotional pain whereas my medical massage usually goes to people in physical pain.  So, I've come to learn that emotional pain is real, and we can't judge it.  Well, I got an email from a pastor at my church talking about how to get over emotional pain from past bad things that happen to us.  The advice he gave at the end was valid if used in the right circumstances.  But, the beginning of the email started by him telling a story of how he realized that he used to entertain his friends with stories of his pain, and he called it enterpaining.  He said that anyone who talks about their pain a lot is in masochistic equilibrium.  The part of this that bothered me were the words enterpaining (how many of us have been accused of using our pain to get attention - it hurts) and masochism.  I was also disturbed in that something like that should not be sent out widescale but only on a case by case basis by a licensed and trained therapist who knows when and how to present the improvement techniques.  I tried to share this with him, and I felt there was nothing I could do to make him understand even though people helped me with the emails I sent him to make sure they stayed kind and appropriate.  I just thought as i read that email that I'd throw up and hate myself if I forwarded that on to another grieving person and accused them of enterpaining, so I told him that kindly.  May I ask you all, because I want to be fair - am I over-reacting to this man's choice of words due to me being in grief and being surrounded by pain in my work, or would you all have reacted to it in the same way that I did.  I literally thought of forwarding it on to grief support groups, and it was like the holy spirit blocked me from sending out something that would cause harm.  Something in my gut screamed - NO.  Am I wrong.  Is this my grief causing me to over react?  I really do want perspective, because I do want to be the best person I can be.  I was trying to be the best person I could be by protecting people in pain and saying that email was inappropriate, but if enough people tell me I am wrong, I will go back and apologize.  I still won't send that email out, but I will apologize if I over-reacted to it.  Thank you.

Thanks! I miss my baby girl a lot. She was 18! I've got another kitty who is five, who is such a trooper. I think I got a sign like that, too. A good friend's cat had kittens the day after we had to put my cat down, and I think it was a sign of sorts. I've got a spectacular support network, for which I'm extremely thankful. It's just a lot to go through at one time.

Tina P - it is a lot to go through at one time.  My dog was almost fourteen, and I'd had him since I was a puppy.  I've had a lot of dogs, and I loved them all - but he was the most special to me ever.  I couldn't breath as he was dying.  I live in Cincinnati, and we have an animal hospice here called Angel Paws that has grief support groups for animal loss as well, but I don't think many cities have that.  I think www.aplb.org is the only thing I know of that is open to all cities - actually I think aplb is international.  I'll tell you the story now of my new dog.  I've been even more depressed this week due to a subject I just posted a comment for, but I'll buck up and tell my story.  My dad knew how much I loved my dog.  My dog's name was Sorsha.  He was a huge (horse sized - people used to tease me that I owned a horse and not a dog) Rottweiller/Golden Retriever mix.  I knew his parents to know that was his mix, but he looked a lot like a Newfoundland.  I loved him so much.  Well, he died on 12/21.  I told my dad even though my dad was dying, and my dad was very worried about me.  He told me to take the money out of his account and buy a new dog.  I told him I didn't want a new dog as I could never love it.  During the four months he lived, he kept telling me that he was going to get me another dog.  And, he began to describe that dog.  Now, this description may have come from a black and white spotted pitbull I saw around Christmas that I said was cute but would not allow him to buy me, or he could have been wavering between the two worlds.  But, he kept telling me he was going to buy me a bulldog that would be white with black spots and would be rescued from abuse (my dad was a child abuse survivor - and then got abused in the nursing home too [they just proved the case and closed the nursing home on 3/1], and we used to watch Animal Planet together all the time and saw that Hoarders show all the time) and that it would act so much like my old dog that I would learn to love again.  Two days after my dad's funeral, a rescue contacted me to see if I'd be willing to take on an abused dog that had been rescued from a hoarder.  At first, I said no.  If I was going to take on another dog, I had it in my mind that I would find another Rottweiller mix that would be just like Sorsha - like that ever really happens.  But, it kept gnawing at me, so a few days later I went back and looked at the picture they had emailed.  It was a white bulldog with black spots who had been rescued from a hoarder.  Well, I kept telling my dad while he was dying that when he got me a new dog, I would name it Elbert, because that was my dad's middle name, and I wanted to name the dog my dad would gift me after my dad.  I asked if I could name the dog Elbert, and they said yes.  So, I took him, and he acts so much like my old dog that I have learned to love again.  For several months, I felt like Sorsha was with Elbert they were so much alike.  He has heartworm, so right now I am only fostering him.  But, please pray that he will show negative at his next vet appointment (he keeps getting slowly better), because if he does, my husband is going to let me adopt him.

Tina P - the part I forgot to tell you was that Sorsha died on 12/21 - Elbert was rescued from the hoarder on 12/21 - my dad died on 4/21 - and between 12/21 and 4/21 (or whatever day I took him - it was a few days after my dad died) no one would even look at Elbert or consider him for fostering until he came to me.  The shelter said they'd never see such a good and pretty dog as him sit and be completely ignored for so long.  I thought that was weird.  And, I'm trying to figure out what all those 21's mean.

Yes, good thoughts to Elbert! I always believe that our pets find us. I know that when we find the right kitty, she won't make us forget but will help us to love even more.

Something I've noticed lately is how exhausted everything feels. Relatively speaking, I've been in a good mood. There are good things going on and I've been taking the time to make sure that I enjoy them. I've noticed, though, that enjoying them sometimes takes a lot out of me. And then, there is just the sheer exhaustion. This week has been tough... regular things that would make me tired (work, allergies, working out, socializing) make me super tired. An old boss used to have a great saying: get your a** out of bed and your head will follow, and I always keep that in my head when I just want to stay in bed all day. It does seem to work. I know that the uber-tired is part of the grief process, but I wonder how some folks handle it. I'm trying to be mindful and listen to when I just need to take it easy, but sometimes I am forcing myself to keep going and that does seem to get me over the hump.

i love my dad i allways will even now his gone he kept me on the riht path and rigt from wong i just feel so hurt and lost with out him we all do

Tina - we loved our dads still and loosing them is horrendous, so we are going to be tired.  So, I'm thinking we need to be easy with ourselves any time we can without be irresponsible or unhealthy.  But, I do like what your boss said about get your A out of bed and your head will follow.  That sounds like something my dad would say, so it made me giggle.  My dad and I used to own a flea market business together, and the guy in the next booth ended up being my dad's best friend back when they were in their early twenties.  Well, the way those two would talk to each other.  My dad would get sick, and Harry would say to him, "Get your A up outta that bed and get back to work you lazy SOB.  You're just acting sick, so you won't have to work" and my dad would laugh.  Women sure don't talk to each other that way, but my husband told me that is how men who are bonded interact.  I went to my parent's grave tonight.  It still hurts so bad.  I don't think I'll ever quit grieving.

i wish my dad wood wark throo the door now and say boo it woz 1 of my jokes i played on u he woz allways making us laff i still try to tark to him even that his gon it just hurts so mush

JB - I know how you feel.  I wish my dad (and mom) would walk through the door and everything would be like it was when we were happily together.  I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. 

i wish my dad wood cum bac and say its all a bad dream im bac to look after you alil or it were 1 of his jokes and gona jump out at us  it hurts evry day that he is not hear i no we all wote leters that we put in his coffin but it just hurts

JB - we all wished our dads would come back. When my dad first passed away, I dreamed almost every night that he had come back. It was good to talk to him again, even if it was in my dream. I know how you feel - I miss my dad so very much. The first few months after my dad died I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was like someone was literally squeezing the air out of me. I can breathe now, but I still miss him and I cry almost every day. Eventually, you will have some better days again. Getting lots of sleep helps. For some reason, grieving makes you very tired and exhausted. Take good care of yourself - your dad would want you to!

I finally had a Dad Dream. It was good to see him. At least, it was the first dream I remembered. My mom has dreams of him all the time.

i keep geting told to get over it i cant its only bean about 5 or 6 weeks its ok other people telling me that but they are not going thru that like we are it just seams to hurt more and more evry day 

JB - it takes a lot longer than that! My dad died in August, and it still feels like it happened a week ago. Try to surround yourself with people that understand - sadly, the only ones that usually understand, are the ones that suffered a loss themselves. No one can imagine what it feels like until it happens to them. Give yourself time - it's going to hurt really bad for a while yet. I usually come here when I feel really bad, cause my family expects me to move on. My daughter is constantly telling me to get over it. She will understand one day - I hope that day is far away for her. People here understand cause we are all going through the same thing. No one will judge you here.

Tina P - I'm glad you had a Dad Dream.  Those are like finding an oasis in the middle of the dessert.  JB - There is no timetable on getting over it.  I agree with Andrea - we need to come here and talk it out, because most people don't understand or are in denial.  We are the lucky ones, because we can talk about it.  I have a friend who lost his brother about a year ago, and he's all like - oh, it's okay, i'm strong, life goes on, etc. - until he went on a date with a girlfriend of mine and told her on the date that he didn't think he had much reason to live any more and then shut her out for having made the confession to her.  At least we can talk about it instead of holding it in and harming ourselves with that holding it in.  And, some people are so callous.  I have a friend who is soon to be my ex-friend, because I'm learning as I go through a hard time that she's a master manipulator.  She can get anyone to do anything for her, and once you hit a hard enough spot that you have to muster the courage to say no, she gets really ugly then.  Well, her mom died a while back and left her a house, a $30,000 car and hundreds of thousands of dollars that she just blew threw.  When my dad's nursing home got closed down for abuse and neglect, I tried to tell her how happy I was that justice had been done, and she cut me off to tell me how we've all lost someone and how she lost her mom - and then went on to brag about all the material crap her mom was able to leave her even though she's already blown through most of it.  We're the lucky ones.  We can feel!  We can feel, because we loved - truly loved.  It hurts like heck, but I'm learning that we are the lucky ones.  The old saying it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all applies to grief as well, in my opinion. 

id rather hav my dad back and people iv lost in the past than all the money in the world your soon to be x freind storyas dont seam a nice person you soon rellize who your freind are at a time like this a lot of mine walk away wen they sea me

JB - I'm sorry you have crappy friends in your life too.  I can't understand why someone would walk away from you when you are going through this.  If you don't know what to say, just walk up and give someone a hug.  What's so hard about that?  I'm so sorry.  I hope you have some good friends who are supporting you.  I agree with you - if I was given two choices:  to be the richest person in the world or to have my parents and others I've loved back on this side of the veil, I'd take having the people I loved back.  But, maybe that is selfish of me.  If they really are in a better place like so many people say, maybe they wouldn't want to be back here.  But, I'd still rather have them than all the money in the world.  But, then, I've never been one who needed to be rich.  The fact that I have a car that starts every morning, a house that is safe and keeps out the elements and three meals a day to eat and a little left over for something I enjoy from time to time - I'm happy.  I've never made my choices in any situation based on the money aspect, so maybe I'm the odd man out.  Maybe most people would want the money.  I don't know.  I just know that if I had it all to do over now, I would have worked even fewer hours, lived on less and spent more time with these people I love who are no longer here.

im dreading fathers day this year itl be the 1st 1 with out him  this year i used to love to spoil him rotten by him his sweets and crossword boooks or dvds like the old boxing or id pay for his bets if i coudnt fint nothing to buy

JB - I was the same way.  Every holiday - birthday, Christmas, father's day - I'd give him a bunch of sweets (he loved Kit Kats) and gifts.  He loved ceramic dog figurines, because he loved dogs so much.  I can't even eat a Kit Kat and probably never will be able to again.  I sometimes take them and put them on his grave.  I still walk through stores and think, "Daddy would like that" . . . oh, I can't give it to him.  It is so hard.  I took Kit Kats to my dad's grave one day and left them for him.  I hope no dogs ate them cuz the have chocolate in them, but there is a fence all the way around the grave yard, so I doubt many dogs would get in there as the gate is only open from 9-5 each day.

jb, I am dreading father's day, too. And his birthday. We got through Christmas, thankfully. That was horrible. My dad was not much into stuff, so it was always hard to find something to give to him, but I will so miss picking out a card for him. I know what you mean with people avoiding you. I have had that happen to me. I am sorry to say that I used to be one of those people that would avoid a mourning person, because I did not know what to say. So, I understand that it's not that they don't care, but they just feel helpless. A few years back a very close friend lost her son, and I felt so useless. I knew that there was nothing I could do to take her pain away - I have never felt so helpless in my life. Well, that experience helped me understand why people try to avoid me now - they just don't know how to help. It takes guts to walk up to someone and share their pain for a moment. Especially when you are someone that likes to fix things or make them better. Well, this can't be fixed, and nothing in the world will make that pain go away. Time will lessen it, but that is all I can promise you. 

Cassandra, I always spent my birthday with my mom.  The last few years she was alive, we went to Red Lobster for her birthday and mine.  I drove by a Red Lobster around the time she died, and I started crying so hard I almost threw up.  It does get a little better each year.  I can drive by a Red Lobster now.  But, I doubt I will ever eat in one again.  I doubt I will ever walk in the door again.

i still keep on trying to find my dad i no his gone itl will take a long time to sink in its only bean about 7 weeks and i no itl take longer i put a foto of his favert chocklate bar on my page i no the hurt will take along time to go away my cusin who lost her dad 20 years ago still has the hurt they were close 2 lie i woz

I know how you feel, JB. I have picked up the phone several times to try to call my Dad. Or I think, I haven't talked to my Dad in a while, I wonder how he is doing... then it hits me. Never a good moment. But I figure those times I am thinking about him, he is thinking about me, too. 

My birthday was exactly a week after my dad's funeral. It was a big birthday and I had norovirus! But the thing that made me sad was that when I called my mom, she couldn't talk because she was crying. She said it was going to be a hard day for her. She called me back about an hour after that and sounded a lot better, but it did kind of suck to have my mom be a bit of a mess that day.

I don't know if my Mom has cried. She's kept a very positive outlook but that is always her attitude. She is always about making other people happy and keeping them calm. But we've had quite a few conversations since it happened and she has expressed how very sad she is about it. So that gives me a little hope that she is grieving but I would love to see her in a group or just talking to anyone about it more than she does. They were married 45 years. That is a huge amount of time and I know it has to hurt a lot more than she is letting on. I just want you all to know that before I found this group, I was devastated and could barely get out of bed. Now I am getting back to my old self because I can talk to people and it helps me so much to know that others feel the way I do. So, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for allowing me into your group and being there for me. I hope I can do someone else some good being apart of this group, as well. 

i did the same thing more or less casandra yesterday i went rount to the shops and bought his faverts cakezs took them home and then i relizid he isnt ther no more i just wish i go vist him and come back to earth and tell the family hes doing ok with his mam and dad and sisters and his neases and nephews who never got past 40 and 50 he woz like a second dad to every 1

i keep on saying ill hav to go and pick his meds from the drs up then i get chating to the resepsionst or nurse there then i relize i dont hav to pick it up and the tears keep coming in my eyes i cry vry morning then cry at nite time coz i miss him so mush i no the hurt will n ever go away coz he woz so well loved by every 1 the drs resepsnit and nurse and his family andhis freinds and nbouz my mum got over 60 simtyfy cards she did even she is hurting badley i no this sound selfish of me i just wish every 1 yo loved wood live for ever but i no that will ever happen only in steories he told me wn i woz a kid i used to loved in wn i woz a kid u wood cary me on your shoulders to sea the punch and judy show coz i woz so littel i cudnt sea the show still am a bit shot 5 ft 3 or take me to the hospitle to get stitched up coz i woz allways falling over just wish u were still hear

jb - don't worry about it being selfish. Just let yourself cry when you have to. That's better than trying to swallow your tears all day long. It does your soul (and, actually, your body) good to cry. That's what tears are for: relief for your soul and emotions. It's healthy to cry. And know that you can always share here. People here understand.

ib bean looking at sum old fotos and some of the old pets we had jason the cat who wood put his pars round you or tina the dog wh foolerd yo all over i hope they r with you now i just wish u were still hear the cat we hav now is still looking for you around the house even im still looking all over you its sinking in but slowwely its gona take along time to sink in it mite never sink in even my mum is taking it bad as well coz she loved you very much shes starting to eat a littel bit better now but i thinh thats the tablets the dr gave her i can only eat a few moth fulls and im full  

the stranget thing happend yesterfay i woz strugling to open the bac door due to a old arm injury and im sure i felt my dad helpey me open it please tell me im not going mad coz lately my nan who passet away over 20 yrs ago told me to go to the drs and get it sorted out

just herd 1 of the songs my dad liket on you tube by joe mceldry big river

he saod im 2009he wood win the xfacter coz he had the best vosie in the

show he allwayz picket the winner on the show like last yer liitel mix

i left my dad a mars bar wer his ash r scatted i hope no dogs get it or rats get but rats eat all sorts i no its gon take along time to get over his death i mite never get over it i just wish he woz still hear with us wer ever he is i hope god is looking after him

I miss my dad today. My teenage daughter has been acting horrible. She has been really hateful towards me. I know my dad would have laughed it off and reminded me how I was at that age. I so miss his voice putting things in perspective for me. I so wished I could talk to him. I used to dream about him after he first passed away. Sure wished I had another dream with my dad. 

Christine - Welcome. I have only been up here a short while but I find that it has helped me a lot. I hope that you will find solace in our memories, as well that we are able to find solace within yours. It is wonderful that you were able to have that moment tonight. I am sure he was right there walking along with you. Many blessings!

Andrea - I have had very few dreams about my father since he passed and any time that I have, I was usually upset that day over whatever was going on... and in my dreams, he would only come to me and say this one thing, "Everything's going to be alright." I would try to talk to him and my first dream I was bent on convincing him that he was dead and he shouldn't be there but he would only repeat that one phrase in response. So, now during the day, when I am having issues and getting frustrated and upset, I can hear his voice telling me, "Everything is going to be okay" and for that moment, it calms me and I am able to get on with my day. But he was for me a voice of reason and calm, like yours was for you. So I definitely understand how you feel. I hope he blesses you with a visit in your dreams tonight but know that if he doesn't he will be right there next to you in spirit, letting you know that everything is going to be alright.