My mom told us we could all come and get some of my dad's ashes. It hurts so bad. As my sister said, "I thought we were stronger than this." I know what I want to do with his ashes, but it just hurts so bad.

Thank you Christianlee and everyone.

Marie - you are strong.  We can never know how bad it is going to hurt until it happens.  We can imagine it, but until it happens, there is just no way to know.  I thought I was getting prepared before my dad died, but there is no way to prepare.  I think loosing someone to death is the worst pain we will ever know.  I was born handicapped and have some illnesses that have made me know pain and illness.  There were times my illness was so bad that I thought there could be no suffering greater.  You know what - that was nothing compared with the pain of loosing both of my parents.  As I look back on the times in my life when my physical suffering was so great that I felt not much could be worse and compare it to looking back on my life and remembering the pain of loosing my mom and my dad - there is no comparison.  Nothing has ever hurt as bad as loosing my parents.  You are strong.  Just the fact that you can get up every morning and take a breath and take a shower and eat some breakfast and keep on doing what you need to do to live in spite of this pain shows just how strong you are!  I won't lie to you - it never goes away - but it does get a LOT better with time.  My prayers are with.

I am so grateful for this website. Some days I feel like I am losing my mind. My daughter is getting very impatient with me, and thinks I should be over it by now (my dad died in August), but I am not ready to move on yet. Ever since my dad died it feels as if everything is falling apart. I just don't have the energy to pick up the pieces. My husband has been working overtime, and is hardly ever home. At work we had all kinds of things happen this year. All this adds on to my stress. Not sure how much more I can handle...

Andrea, I'm sorry your daughter is not understanding.  My husband did the same thing to me.  Three days after my dad died, I started crying.  My husband told me that I couldn't use it as a scapegoat forever.  What!  Some people don't understand or are in so much pain themselves that they have to shut down.  I have learned that every one grieves differently, and we must be patient with ourselves.  If others are not being patient with you, give yourself permission to be patient with yourself.  I've just made a decision to isolate myself due to me getting similar judgments too often about both the loss of my dad and mom but also about some health issues I have.  I don't know why some people need to define things more than they need to see what is in the lives of others.  I've had health problems lately, and it makes me foggy.  A friend of mine got impatient with me for traveling the same familiar routes when I drive to keep me on track, because some times it was ever so slightly longer.  Another friend got impatient with me for wanting to keep my purse very close, because my blood sugar was dropping very low very quickly and I needed to have my glucose very near by.  I kept explaining and explaining and explaining and still I got resistance.  I kept explaining about my grief and still I got judgment.  So, I finally decided not to be around the people who made my gut feel bad no  matter what my head said.  If I was going to be around someone I was dreading being around, I listened to the dread in my gut.  I'm only seeing people that I look forward to seeing.  It's not my job to help people understand.  It's my job to get me to where I need to be.  I wish you luck in finding the way that works for you.  While you find that way, please do take time to take care of you whether people understand or not.  August is not that long ago.  My dad died at the end of April, and I'm still a mess most of the time.  It took me three years to feel alive again instead of like I was in a bubble after my mom died.  I don't owe anyone any apologies for that and neither do you.

thank you Storyas for your comments. It helps just to talk to other people that are going through the same thing. It makes me feel less crazy. I know exactly what you mean about people getting impatient. Unless you have been through it, you don't know how painful it is to lose a parent. Everybody expects you to be fine after a couple of weeks. It is not that easy, and it takes time. I am glad you are part of this group!

Andrea - how can we possibly love someone for 20, 30, 40, 50 or more years and then just get over it in a few days?  I can't even imagine why people would expect that.  I'll be praying for you tonight.

I may have told you all this before. I just read all of your posts and did not cry!! woo hoo!!! I take days I don't cry as blessings!!! A friend wrote to me after my dad died, "My dad died six years ago, it broke my heart." That is exactly where we are. Our hearts are just broken and that does not heal soon. Another friends said, "One day the memories you have of your dad will make you smile instead of cry." I am longing for those days. Some days are fine and some I cry off and on all day. What I told in my "testimony" the other night was that even though Daddy was sick, that is what page we were on in life, the "Daddy is sick, and we need to go help Momma with Daddy" page. We were on that page for a long time!!! But that is where we were, NOT the "Daddy is gone" page. And I don't like the "Daddy is gone" page. I know it's the circle of life thing, but I was not ready. Like Storyas said you can't love someone as deeply as we did and get over it on a certain timeline. We just do the best we can day by day. You are all such a blessing to me. Thank you for being there.

Tuesday night I went to our Shrove Tuesday Pancake dinner at church.  I sat with a pastor from another church who joined us and an elderly lady from her congregation.  the elderly lady passed out or had a seizure or something during dinner.  The pastor stayed with her, and I ran out to the curb to wave down the ambulance.  The ambulance got there and the driver got out.  I thought I recognized him, or maybe it was just the uniform, from the dozens of times my dad had gone to the hospital.  He got out of the ambulance and said, "Give me a minute.  I have to get some equipment out of the back."  From the moment he stepped out of the front of the ambulance, I started struggling with not crying.  He opened the back of that thing and i saw the inside of the back where my dad had ridden so many times, and I just started crying.  It was dark, so he didn't see it, but I got him in the building to the sick lady and another lady from our congregation came over and asked me if I was alright.  I told her the ambulance reminded me of my dad, and she gave me a hug.  I hugged her for a moment and pulled away and said "We need to focus on this lady now.  She is the priority."  During church service, a man from the other church came up and asked me if I was okay.  Then, after church I shared my story via email with a few people who I knew would support me.  I still miss my dad so much and it's been ten months.  But, I was pleased that my church, most of them, were so nice.  I used to go to another denomination that was too often judgmental about stuff.  I went to a healing service at an Episcopal Church while my dad was dying, and they were so much nicer to me there than the norm that I started going to church there and am considering converting to their denomination.  I am grateful that I have one place of solace.  I often feel dumb when I start crying there, but they never judge me.  I'm so glad to have that one place.  But, I was surprised by how much seeing that ambulance hurt me.  It was like I was there again in a moment reliving all those horrible and scary ambulance rides to the hospital.  I just hope my dad is okay now.

My dad was in the hospital for 3 weeks in ICU before he passed. The unit was on the 6th floor, and we usually took the elevator up. It always made that stupid "ping" sound at each stop. I can't stand that sound anymore. It was ringing in my ears for days after he had passed away. I don't like to go into elevators anymore, either.

Today is my dads birthday, he passed away suddenly in October, he would have been 54.  Its so hard to know Ill never be able to tell him happy birthday in person again.  I miss him so much.

Thank you.  I cant wait to go to bed and this day be over!

Katie - I know how you feel.  My mom's birthday was last Thursday.  I took flowers of her favorite color to the grave and told her happy birthday.  I also have a present for her that I haven't taken over yet - a candle in her favorite color with an angel topper.  Her favorite color was/is purple.  Maybe it would help if you did that.  My dad died six days before his birthday.  It hasn't been a year yet, but when his birthday comes around in a few months, I'm pretty sure that is going to be really hard since it's the first birthday since he died.  I will say a prayer for you tonight.

You know - normally the people at my church are pretty supportive.  But, right after church yesterday I got an email from a man who I thought was more than this email made him look like in which he was telling me that whatever we had in life that we had to learn not to complain about it but to realize our responsibility in it and talk positive and move on.  That is a nutshell.  It was pretty horrible.  I am still in shock.  I responded and nicely let him know how wrong he was but part of me feels like telling him off although I know the right thing to do was to handle it nicely like I did.

My mom sent an email that whenever we wanted to get Daddy's ashes we could. I am not ready yet. I do want to get some and take some to his childhood home and put some at my brother's grave. I just can't do it yet. wonder when I will?

My dad died at the end of April last year, and I think it was October or November before I could go to the grave site.  I felt bad about that, because we are Appalachian, and Appalachians take decorating graves very seriously.  But, I just couldn't.  I felt better after I did go, but I don't know if I would have felt better afterwards if I would have forced myself to go before I was ready.  It took me about three years to go after my mom died, and the only reason I was able to go then was that I went with my dad, because it was important to him.  Had I not had that experience of my dad taking me to my mom's grave, I think it would have taken me three years to get to my dad's grave too.  But, he somehow made it easier for me by leading me there after my mom died.  He gave me the strength to go to their grave (they are lying next to each other now) faster by helping me go to my moms grave.

I have been wondering if I should just make myself go ahead and get the ashes or wait until I feel ready. I don't know if I'll ever feel ready. I'm just so new at the grief and it sucks!!!

Maybe if you doubt you'll ever feel ready, maybe you could have someone go with you like my dad went with me to my mom's grave for the first time.  Just a suggestion - only you really know what is good for you.  My counselor did give me one piece of advice a couple of weeks ago:  don't think with your head; think with your gut.  If your gut feels good or bad about something, listen to that, because our head is so full of thoughts from every where, but out gut only responds to what is in front of us right now.  That advice has been helping me.  Maybe it will help you too - if it feels right to you.

Thanks Storyas.

@christianlee - today is a hard day, I am sure. People say it does get better. My husband lost his dad about 6 months before we met, and he tells me it will get better over time. I have to believe that. Hang in there, tomorrow will be a better day.

I couldn't collect my Dad's ashes, i don't know why but i just couldn't.  I felt it was such a responsibility and he had never mentioned any place that was special enough for me to have his ashes scattered.  I asked the attendant at the crematorioum to scatter them for me and then let me know where he is.  My Dad was scattered in a lovely part of the rememberance garden and i find by going there laying flowers, saying hello, crying, talking to him - really helps me.  Dad only passed away 8 weeks ago.  I am consumed by grief and have found my life turned upside down and inside out.  Everything i do, i stop and think what my Dad would have done/said.  I love and miss him so much.

Annette - 8 weeks is not very long ago. I couldn't function for the first 3 months, and I still feel like I am very scatterbrained. I always think of what my dad would say, even in very ordinary situations. It does get better - at first I felt like I couldn't breathe, like a huge weight was sitting on my chest. Now I am just sad, and I miss him so very much. (my dad died in August). You will have your good days and your bad (good means you can function, and don't burst into tears over small stuff). I know the feeling of being overwhelmed. Just take it one day at a time, and give yourself permission to grieve and to not be perfect. 

Thank you.  Maybe through this site we can comfort and heal each other.

Christianlee - My dad and mom both used to say come back soon and visit.  Your post made me think of them.  I do try to go to their grave as much as I can now, but I wasn't able to do it at first  It took a few months. 

Debbie Bailey - I'm so sorry about what you are going through.  I lost my mom and then the grief caused my dad to get sick and I lost him a while later, so I know how it feels.  I wish I could do something magical to make the pain go away, but it takes time.  Is there any way that maybe you could take a leave of absence from work to help your mom?  There is a new law that requires employers to give employees family leave.  I can't remember what it is called.  Maybe someone could remind me what it is called.  It might be good for both of you if you were able to focus on just her right now.  Good luck to you. 

Debbie Bailey - I will be praying for you tonight.

Hi. everyone.  I haven't talked much about this, because I did not want to upset you all when you were grieving any way.  But, I've had a really hard time with my dad's death, because it looked like he died prematurely due to neglect and abuse from his care providers, as well as possibly a medical decision that the hospital was shocked to discover that seems it may have been malicious and meant to take his life.  Well, I made the appropriate reports, and I found out that a few months ago, the nursing home was cited and severely fined.  Now, I found out today that the nursing home was closed, and all the residents were moved to other facilities.  On one hand, I am over the moon, because justice is being done step by step and because I know that the other elderly people in that place are safe now.  On the other hand, I want to cry but am so walled off that the tears can't even come out of my eyes, because I keep remembering how much he suffered.  I knew he was being mistreated and was too sick for me to take him home, so I stayed with him round the clock to keep him safe.  The things I saw him go through were horrendous, and they will haunt me for the rest of my life.  I would fight to get him treated right and it would just turn the abuse up on me, although I think me being there so much did keep him a bit safer.  I am over the moon with joy that that horrible place was closed down at the same time that I feel like I want to cry my eyes out.  I'm going to say it here for the first time like I said it to the lawyer for the first time today - they killed my dad!  They killed my dad!  Closing them down is good, but it is not enough.  Someone should be on trial for manslaughter or murder.  Maybe that will still happen, but I do not know.  Now, two tears finally managed to leak out of my eyes.  It's like if I let it out I think I'll never stop crying, so I just can't let myself cry.

i just want my dad to say its gonna be alright x

I took Mum to my Dad's resting place yesterday as it would have been their 60th Wedding Anniversary.  Mum was telling Dad off for not being here anymore.  It's so sad, but in watching my Mum struggle, I just want somebody to acknowledge my struggle too!  Being strong for everybody else is making me weak - if that makes sense.  I miss him so much, he was my inspirational rock xx

I am having a hard time today. I really miss my dad. Everything today seems to remind me of my loss. I just so wished I could turn back time. I just want to have one more conversation with him. I know I will see him in heaven, but that seems like such a long time to wait. And then I feel bad for feeling bad, because I know my mom misses him so much more than even I do. By now I hide my crying because everybody seems to think that it's been long enough and I should be over it already (he died in August). I am glad I can share here and that you all are out there feeling the same way. Thanks for letting me share!

Andrea - there is not a day that goes by that I do not want to turn back time and relive the time with my parents.  I think I'm going to feel that way for the rest of my life.  And, it is okay to cry.  If you feel your mom can't handle it due to her grief, find a quiet place to cry.  There is no timetable on grief.  If anyone says there is, I'd separate from them until you are able to handle them again.

This is my first post here... I lost my dad about two months ago (he had Alzheimer's, but was doing okay until they found a brain tumor) and nearly a month later, my 18y.o. kitty passed, too. I picture them together somewhere... they did seem to have a special fondness. Two exceptional individuals. It's been a lot to deal with, for sure. I miss them both tremendously. Some days are better than others, too. The days that are great feel wonderful, and I try to just be present (like my yoga instructors say). I'll probably use this forum for the times when I just feel overwhelmed or exhausted. Thanks for reading.

3 weeks ago...I lost my bad to cancer. I was only 67. People have told me it gets easier...but i just cant imagine....i have never had a hurt inside this bad before. I do my best to get up every morning to go to work, tend to my kids and be a wife. Its just hard to do anything.

Rebecca - Hi.  It has only been three weeks, so the way you are feeling is very normal.  It does get easier, but I am sorry to tell you that it takes longer than three weeks.  Sometimes it takes a lot longer than three weeks.  I'm not trying to scare you in saying that but am trying to let you know that it will get better but in the meantime be easy with yourself as you get to the point where it does get easier.  And, you are right - there is no worse hurt.  I mean, i'm sure there is physical pain we can feel that is worse and we are lucky if we get to avoid that in life, but it is a different kind of pain.  The physical pain is like physical and although experiencing it changes you and makes you a different person than you were before due to the spiritual strength you have to gain to get through physical pain, but this hurt of loosing someone doesn't just change us or strengthen us after it is over - it changes everything forever by taking away what we had and can't have again and because it never truly is over.  It's been 11 months since my dad died.  It is much better than it was at 3 weeks.  But, I realize that when I'm 99 years old, I will still miss him and my mom.  This is like a pain on your deepest level whereas physical pain is at our most superficial level - like physical pain hits us at the skin level and this pain twines down into the deepest part of us and takes root because we love from our deepest part so we are bruised at our deepest part when someone we love is taken from us.  I don't have words to explain it.  I just know that I never imagined before i lost one of my parents how much it could hurt.  When I lost my mom, I felt like I was experiencing emotional torture it was so painful, and I felt that way for almost three years.  I haven't felt much better loosing my dad, although I am getting over it a little bit faster cuz my dad gave me a lot more after death messages that helped me heal.  My mom was a very passive personality, so she sent me some dreams.  But, my dad was magnetic in his personality and large and vibrant and he understood electronic and mechanical stuff really well, so he was able to push through the veil with a lot more power and grab my attention and make me notice his messages that let me know he was okay.  I know this message probably isn't making you feel better.  I don't think much can make you feel better at three weeks after our loved ones passing.  But, I am hoping that it can give you hope and let you know that what you are going through is normal and that you need to surround yourself with people who understand that and can support you through it without saying anything that makes the pain worse out of their lack of understanding.