this weekend is six months since my dad died, i cant believe how much time has passed. i had only ever been away from him for 2 weeks. the only thing that keeps me going is the belief that he is still around in spirit. if i thought i would never get to see him again i dont know how i would be coping.

I am sorry for your loss. I believe in Heaven and God and Know she is there, as you say it would kill me if i never saw her again. My dad died in 2005 and I was just getting a handling that now losing my mom less than a month ago. I feel so lost and lonely, numb and in shock but it also brings my dads memory up.

Take care

Feeling the lost of my Dad and Daughter today. My heart is sad with the knowledge that it will be years until we meet again.

Hi all
I lost my biological Dad and my stepdad within the space of a few weeks.
This was 8 months ago and I'm still reeling.
Reaching out in as many ways as I can to find comfort and support.
It is soo good to feel not so alone in my grief and all the strange things that I am experiencing, how cold and uncaring most people seem.

I love my Dad

Hello,

I love my dad too.

I miss and love my dad too!! Somedays it hardly seems the effort.

We will always be daddy's little girls. I miss my Dad's laughter and his advice. His gentleness. I love you daddy. Until we meet again.

I lost my dad (Papi) suddenly on July 10-09. I cant get over it and cry every day.
I see him everywhere and it hurts so much. I still cannot believe it.

Brenda & Daisy. Your loss is still so very new. I remember when we first lost my Dad and then our daughter, I didn't think I would ever stop crying. But time will help heal some of your pain. We will always carry the pain, always be a different person from the one we used to be. But please beleive me when I say it will get better. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless

Daisy & Brenda my heart goes out to you. I lost my dad in feb 2005 and it nearly killed me and on August 17, 2009 my mom died suddenly I still am in shock! It is so hard to believe they are gone. I cry occasionally but mostly I am numb!

I have never felt so alone since the loss of my Dad 3 months ago. I didn't cry for the first month, but now i cry and feel blocked in my heart chakra, and often am very angry. this is more than I bargained for and I am sick of this process. I start a face to face group in November and am looking forward to it. I need support.

HBB,

I too feel alone and lost. Unable to believe. I want to talk to my dad like before. The first month, I did not cry, but now all reality has let loose. I find no joy. It is unbelievably cruel. I frown all the time, one can see it in my eyes, that I am not the happy person as before. I write a journal to him, because there were times when I wanted to tell him something funny or weird. So now I write it in a journal, but then I cry because I'm supposed to talk to him, not write to him. It is a whole different world for me, and 2 months ago seems so long ago now.

Becky. Death changes a person and we are never the same. I lost my Dad and my Daughter. I don't cry like I used to but I am a very sad person who doesn't smile very much. Losing the people we love sucks the joy out of our souls and I don't think we ever get it back. Time will help you. But it takes a long time. I beleive that I will see my Dad and Daughter again. Hang in there. I'm so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

I don't know where to start. I am having a horrible time dealing with the loss of my father. It was an unexpected death. He fell and broke his neck, and after spending 4 1/2 days in the hospital and only 8 hours away from surgery, he passed away. I can't sleep, my eating is out of control, I want to cry all the time, and I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about the way I am feeling. I don't feel like I can even talk to my sisters, even though I know they are feeling the same way I am. Every day is a brand new pain, when for a brief moment I forget that he is gone and I go to pick up the phone to call him and then realize that I will never be able to talk to him again. It hurts so much. He was my rock, my advisor and my friend, as well as my dad. When does the hurt stop?

Thank you to those who read and replied to my post. And to Jennifer, hang in there. Crying is the best thing right now and when you are ready to talk I pray you will have someone to share with. It is impossible to understand this kind pf pain and i am so sorry for you. the intensity of the pain does change. but each person's journey is different and I wish you well at this difficult time.
Personally I feel a terrible void and do not cry as much now. there is nothing fun about this and I feel it has triggered lots of ol stuff inside me that I don't really understand. Lots of rage and fear. I hope to be able to heal and to see a light at the end of the tunnel everyone speaks about. HBB

Jennifer. The pain will never go away. In time it will get softer for you. What you are feeling are all normal feelings. I can remember the pain of loosing both my father and my daughter. It took a long time but I am better now. I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. We will always be Daddy's little girls. I am praying for you and your family. God Bless

I lost my dad suddenly January 6, 2009. The first few months I was numb. I am doing better, but am having a hard time with the holidays coming. Today I got a magazine that was all about the holidays. I had to stop reading as the thought of the holidays without my dad is heartbreaking. My daughter is nine, and is doing ok. She says I am lucky to have had my dad for 38 years and she only had him for eight - this breaks my heart.

My Papi also died suddenly. In July 10 2009. And I still cant believe it. Just last week I was going to call him to talk about the Yankees winning. I forget he is gone. This is the worst thing, to know that I will never see him again. Today I had a really bad day . I cried a lot. I feel really bad. So finally today I went to the doctor. I don't sleep, get confused easy, my mind is like in a fog. And yes with the holidays coming is going to be horrible. Even my birthday, its coming soon, and my dad always remembered it. He had 6 children and he always said I was the only one that he remembered the birth date because I'm the oldest.
I don't know how it's going to be without his phone call....
Well I thank everybody for listening.

Tomorrow I am going to pick up my dad's engraved marker. His birthday was this past Halloween. My siblings, my son and I were going to put him where he grew on his farm, but we decided against it because of the uncertainty of the future of the land. So we put him next to granny and grandpop. This was the most saddest event. We should have been talking to him and giving him his presents, instead we dug a hole and put his remains along with poems, my sister made a heart necklace(my heart bleeds for you, popie.) We covered it up and then put a bronze statue of a little boy holding a bird. Tomorrow I pick up the marker with his name and his nickname, Popie. (I wrote it Papie). I will break down because we are used to seeing his name on his letters signed in pen. This time it is on a marker.
Please help me to understand all of this. I'm about to tear up right now thinking about this.

Dear Becky,
It sounds like seeing his name on the marker might make you realize that he reallly is not coming back, that your relationship with him on this earth in a physical form is over and you will not see him again in this way. Hopefully, over time you will connect with him in other ways and this will comfort you. My dad's birthday was today and I hope he is doing well wherever he is. I never thought I would stop crying or be able to say that but I have been able to let go a bit. I am making a scrapbook about him, and I think this will help. Maybe you would like to do this. I went to a meetup group where people sit around and scrapbook, which helped to motivate me to begin the work. Just go to www.meetups.com and look in your area for this or any other interest you have. Take good care of yourself in the process.

Oh God, this is the worst day. Is my first birthday without a phone call from my father. I know other family members and
friends have email me and called me. But I miss my Papi so bad. Right now I'm just sitting here wearing one of his favorites
shirts and crying, crying like a baby. I cant stop.....the pain is horrible. Cant understand this, it's been 4 months and the pain is still so bad.....
I don't know what everybody feels but it seems to me like my other siblings are doing much better than me.
What is wrong with me? I just want to hide and not see or talk to anybody.
And my husband seems to be losing patience with me. Cant say I blame him.

Dear Daisy,
I'm sorry you had such a rough birthday. It seems like any kind of holiday or day that use to be for celebrating is now just a reminder to me that someone is missing, my dad. It has been 5 months since I lost my dad and I keep waiting for it to get easier.

"That" time of year is upon us. The big holiday. It's so hard to put up the tree, go shopping, bake the cookies and be happy. When what we really want is just to crawl in bed and hide until it's over. I pray for all of us that we find the strenght to get though it and find a moment of peace. God Bless you.

@katherine ellis yes, this time of year is hard. I always count on my brother or husband to put up the tree because I just don't feel like it. I know I shouldn't feel that way, especially since I have a 12 year old that lives for Christmas. Just another day to me. Shame on me I guess.

For me, I am reminded of the season in some way, for example, A sign in the market about ordering your turkey. I stop and think, "Why didn't they take that sign down. The holidays are over... Oh, wait Christmas hasn't happened yet!" The spirit is not in me. It's as though the family rallied to have a Thanksgiving meal with Papa and without him I don't feel like celebrating.

For me, the world is not the same. It seems like eons ago that my dad was with us. Our world has fallen apart literally. Sister doesn't have a job, my mother's income cut in half, other sister barely makes a living. And my job is on the line. We have no safety nets. It has been said that the ones left behind are the unlucky ones.

The one person in my life that I could say anything to is gone; it makes me realize it is time to let more people in, to let more love in my life. Perhaps it's time to let the people in my life take more responsibility for our relationships as well. My father wrote me a poem once when I was in my twenties. He and I were getting to know each other after a lifetime of watching each other from a bit of an emotional distance. A line in the poem said something about how when he was so busy making a living for his family he looked at me and I always looked like I could take care of myself. It was an apology and we went on to develop a very close relationship during the last 30 years. I spend my days with a hollow ache and a restless spirit.

I thought I was doing better but I'm not. Christmas and New Years are coming and all I want to do is go to sleep until they are over.
The tree is still in a box, the lights are halfway put on the railing and not even conected. Can't do it. My sisters said they dont want to do anything either so I guess I will stay home and watch TV both days.
I've crying all day long, and I think my husband is losing patience with me. Cant blame him, I hardly even talk

My dad died on November 27th seventeen years ago. My Nana died on Xmas eve the two years before, and my partner died suddenly September 25th of this year. My son came home with a Xmas tree two days ago and it is still standing undecorated. I just read and read becuase it blocks out the sick panicky feeling I get when I think about Xmas and "a happy new year" I keep trying to do what is recommended, get out in the garde, accomplish something every day, remember all the ones that are still here...but I don't care. My heart feels terminal, when it's not feeling numb. I have to live but not sure if I want to. It is litterally unbearable. Maybe if we just do little things then it will be more manageable. Daisy? I will put up my lights if you put up yours or maybe we should all try and do something that we don't wand to do, together, and check in at a certain time. And Daisy, you do talk, you are talking here right now, so that says something.

I have not lost my dad yet, but it's coming soon. He hasn't been allowed to swallow for months - all feeding is done intravenously, and he's been battling pneumonia since his first hospital stay. He says he doesn't fear death, but he fears leaving me and my mom behind.

I can't deal with this. He wants me to promise that I'll keep going and that I'll live a full and happy life when he's gone, but I don't want that. I want to follow him.

Update to my last comment: My father died at 6 am on Christmas morning.

Karalyn, I am so very sorry for your dad's passing. My family and I went thru a roller coaster ride the middle of the year. It was a true nightmare. We were in shock, then in denial, then the tears flow. I will never forgive myself. I cannot and will not accept it, but there is nothing we can do except move on. We place my father next to 'Granny' on his birthday Halloween Day. We now try to remember the funny things he used to say, or we'd say 'Papie would have said this.... or do this.....' Then we'd laugh. We are still filled with sadness, but we keep it to ourselves now. One thing you can do, is get a journal, but your dad's name on it, then write one page of a summary or what you feel. Then when you want to, write to him, not like a diary, but write to him the things you would have said to him normally. It really does help.

Karalyn, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my father on Dec. 5; Saturday was a day he knew we would all be there. I find grief counseling a lot of help as well as letting myself do nothing when I need to. I also find things I can do to "be with him" such as go to places he liked to be or do things he liked to do. Everything is starting to shift n terms of my view of myself, my role in the family etc. I still feel the ground shifting under my feet. Letting myself cry when the shadows come over as ell as to distract myself with TV or a movie when I don't want to think about it for awhile.

Samantha,
I am so sorry about your dad and you. My partner died 25th Septemeber 2009, to alcoholism. It was a sudden death after a slow suicide. I have certainly had conflicting feelings around his death and life. My father died of cancer some years ago and he was also an alcoholic. The hard thing is that they were both still lovely men. It is a desperate disease for everyone. You sound like a wise and strong young woman. Good luck with your before 30 list.

Does a step dad count here? Or is there another group for that?

Definitely, a step dad counts here.

I lost my dad on December 11th very unexpectedly to a massive heart attack. He was my heart. He came to visit me in my new home on the 10th and on the 11th we did some shopping and I bough him lunch. He had complained of a pulled musle or perhaps a broken rib but didn't want to go to the doctor because he didn't feel it was bad enought but would go if the pain got worse. After lunch he wanted a nap, when he was getting ready to nap I noticed his color was off and I told him that he would just have to be mad but i was taking him to the er. I think he knew something was not right because he agreed and I drove him to the er. At the ER they told us he was having a heart attack and he would have to be airlifted to another hospital that had a cath lab and facilities to take care of him. I walked his stretcher all the way to the helicopter and I couldn't reach him because the stretcher was so high but I kissed my hand and put it to his forehead and told him I would see him he would wake up from surgery. He told me he loved me too! When I arrived at the hospital I was treated horribly. There was no person waiting for me in the cath lab waiting room where i was instructed to be and the doors were locked to the room as well. I went into the er where i had to ring a door bell t times to get anyone and i was instructed to just wait in the er waiting room. Over the loud speaker I heard Code Blue in Cath Lab...I knew at that time it was my dad...I started to panic and freak out as people in the waiting room laughed at me as they thought i was some drug head off the street acting crazy....My mother, my dad's ex wife had someone from the er contact someone...Eventually and administrator came down and they unlocked the cath lab waiting room where I waited 20 minutes...The doctors finally came out and told me that unfortunately they had nothing but bad news that my dad had passed away and he had horrible heart disease....We never knew he had heart disease and i know he was not aware either as I contacted his regular doctor afterwards...They asked if I wanted to see my dad and I said ofcourse I did....I expected that he would be cleaned up but unfortunately that was not the case....they took me back to see my father with a tube in his throat, blood coming out of the side of his mouth, his arms and head hanging off of the table....These are memories i have trapped in my mind....I can never forget these....I told them that I wanted to have him cleaned up before my uncle arrived because nobody deserved to see a loved one like that ever....I had my dad removed from the hospital by the funeral home that night as I was not going to allow him to stay there one more minute than necessary....I gave him an appropriate funeral service and by his wishes had him cremated. I now have his ashes...i have 3 other siblings but both were estranged from my dad and don't share the fond memories of him that I have....I feel so very alone and like my heart is in 5 million pieces!!!! I'm afraid to go back to my new home now, I have no idea why i'm afraid I know if my dad came back to visit in spirit form he would never hurt me but i'm afraid still...I have anxiety beyond belief due to this....I'm so lost that I have actually got my immune system down and had to go to the er with bronchitis, resp infection and 102 degree fever....Where do I go from here?

Ruby- My father too was my best friend. I lost him on the fifth of Dec. I am so sorry for the treatment you received at the hospital, especially leaving him in the state he was during his trauma. Do you have any video of you father enjoying himself you could watch to replace those negative pictures in your head-though those may be hard to watch now.

Susan, I actually put together a dvd for his funeral services of all of his happiest times from childhood to the last time we were together. It's hard to look at now but it does help me to replace those memories.... I'm very sorry for your loss as well Susan!!!

Hi, I just lost my dad on Friday (1/8/10). Even in writing those words I still can't believe he is gone. I feel like a part of me has died. My dad was diagnoses with liver ca in July, but we were told it was caught in the early stages. On the other side, it was an incurable cancer and there really wasn't any treatment for it. Over the last month or so my dad's condition declined, he became increasingly weak, and jaundice. Earlier this week my father was really having a difficult time with confusion and even more weakness so the decision was made for him to go to the hospice house. (he was receiving hospice services at home) The thought was that they could adjust his medications and the goal was for him to come back home. Well, on Tues we brought him over. I live like 2 hours away from them so I could see a change in my dad when I got to their house. He was sleepy and very weakened. Anyway, he went to the hospice house Tues afternoon, had no real complaints for the doctor and he even ate the whole meal he was given. So, he went to sleep and my mother and I went home. The next morning I went over to see him before I headed home and he had a dramatic decline. He was not really responsive, although they had given him a good amt of medication during the night because he was restless. And he was even more jaundice. So, obviously my plans changed and I didn't go. Throughout the day he pretty much slept but toward the late afternoon he sort of came to a bit. He was talking, but a lot of it was incoherant. But there were moments when he was aware. He was drinking water and I gave him two ice creams. My dad LOVED ice cream! My mom and I stayed that night and he seemed uncomfortable so they gave him some meds and he went off to sleep. That was the last time I had my dad "there". The next morning he was not responsive, he just wasn't there if that makes any sense. After hours of watching his breathing change to having periods of apnea I could no longer watch my dad in that state. My mom told me to go home. I have 3 small children and a husband that hadn't seen me in like 3 days. So, it was very difficult to leave. On Friday my dad passed away around 1:30p. I feel guilt as I should have stayed. I should have stayed till the end and held his hand. My mother, sister and nephew were there when he took my last breath, my dad was 78. I am just so incredibly sad that he is no longer here. It jsut doesnt' seem real. I feel like I can't function and that a part of me has died along with him. Anyway, I am glad to have found this site. I have never lost anyone this close to me. Thank you for listening.

Charlotte, I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers at this difficult time. I understand what you are going through as I lost my step-dad to metastatic liver/brain/bone cancer very quickly in July. It seems like it just happened. I know that for us, it took several weeks for it to really sink in that he was gone. We were just in so much shock. I also feel like a part of me has died, a part of my heart is missing. And I still have days when I feel like I can't function, but I do what I have to do because I have to take care of my family.
My dad too was on hospice care at home and after the first week, he became less and less responsive, except for the pain when we had to move him to change his diaper. He had large tumors on his neck and shoulder so rolling him was extremely painful for him. It broke my heart to see him in such pain. That week I was actually praying that God take him so the pain would end. He passed 17 days after he was diagnosed. Those first few days were such a blur, with making all the plans and just getting through it all. But, afterward, I couldn't believe that I had asked for him to be taken. Was I nuts? I know that he was not living any sort of life, but he was still THERE. I could still hold his hand, rub his hair, talk to him, read to him, tell him about the kids. I hated seeing him in such pain, and the feeling that he was slipping further away from our world. But, he was there. I could see him, hear him, touch him. I was there when he passed. And the one thing that I can say about that, is, if you are meant to be there at the time of passing you will be, if you are not you won't be. The hospice nurses and social worker had discussed that with me, and about if my kids should be there. They all said over and over that it was really up to the hospice patient. And to God, or whatever Higher Power you believe in. I had wanted to be there, but my husband and I didn't want our children there (ages almost 3, and almost 5). But, my daughter had been insistent when we told her that her beloved Papa was so sick and would die soon, that she wanted to be there when he died and 'went to Heaven'. We had that conversation for 10 days. We tried to dissuade her. Not easy one to do with a pre-schooler! That last week, as his condition deteriorated, me and the kids stayed with my parents in their house. I found a daycare that would take my kids for two of the days so that they didn't have to spend all their time there because it was so distressing to them. I went home on Wednesday evening with plans to return on Friday, just to see my husband and allow the kids to play with friends at home. Late that night, my mom called me to come home. When I arrived I could see a distinct change in his condition, and was convinced that we only had a few hours left with him. The next morning, my hubby brought the kids down and we took them straight to the daycare, without letting them see Papa. We wanted time to figure out what to do and how to prepare them for his condition. We decided that we would keep them away. That day my dadn's mom, brother, and favorite aunt came to see him, and the priest came to pray wiht us. We all thought he would pass during the prayers because of his breatahing and hte peaceful look that came over him. But he didn't, so when I picked the kids up, I took them to my grandmother's house (which was vacant because she had passed away earlier in the year), then out to eat and to shop. By the time we got back, they played a bit and fell asleep. So, they had seen him every day, but that one. That night, my mom called me to come back to the house and my aunt came to stay with the kids. His breathing was so erratic, and the same with periods of apnea. When I went to get the kids in the mornign and take them to daycare, my daughter threw a huge fit. She wasn't going anywhere but to see Papa and give him a hug and kiss. I couldn't reason with her at all, so I prepared her as best I could for his breathing and told her that he probably wouldn't wake up because he had been so unresponsive. She looked a bit scared but was determined to see him, and stay there because 'he won't be with me at the daycare'. We got to the house and the kids hesitantly approached the bed. He woke up and tried to reach for them, they came up and gave him a hug and kiss, and he tried so hard to talk to them, you could see in his eyes how badly he wanted to say something to them. It was the most responsive and alert he had ben in two days. My mom leaned down to his head and she looked up and said, "Papa is trying to tell you that he loves you both very much". They both said "We love you too Papa.". He sighed a huge breath of release, looked peasceful agian, and within minutes, he breathed his last. It may sound crazy to some, but I believe with all my heart, that he waited to see my kids before he passed. He had no children of his own, I was his stepchild. I am an only child. He adored my children and spent most of his free time with them. They adored him. As much as my husband and I did not want our kids there when he passed, he made sure they were there. So, I guess the reason I am saying all this is to let you see that there was some reason that you were not there. It's not good or bad. It just is. Don't beat yourself up too much about it. It hurts so badly to lose someone so close to you. Like you, before 2009, I had never lost anyone that close to me. Then in a matter of months I lost both grandma's and my stepdad. To say it sucks is an understatement. Hang in there. People will tell you that he's in a better place, he's no longer in pain, he's happy where he's at, etc. And while they mean well, and all that may be true, it doesn't change the fact theat he's not HERE where you can see him, hold his hand, etc. AGain, you are in my prayers.

Hi, I just lost my Dad on 12/8/09 and it still doesn't feel real to me. He died very suddenly, complications due to pneumonia...one night I;m holding his hand , the next day he's gone. I feel like I still hear his voice calling my name...am I crazy? I'm so glad you guys are here I feel like you all understand and know what I'm going through. I wonder when you actually get to the point when reality sets in. I guess If I can get through one day without crying then maybe I can say it is getting better.
I still can't visit him and I can't yet see any pictures of him it's too hard, all I see is his beautiful smile and know that I will never see that again. I was wondering if any of you feel this way.

My stepdad passed away on October 28th, 2009 from leukemia and a rare bone marrow disease called myleofibrosis. I just turned 25. I thought I was coping okay on my own, but now I realize that I need help from people who have actually been through the same thing. I moved out to LA several months before he passed, and although I have many friends out here, I'm quite far from my family. My parents were married for 15 years before he passed away, and now his kids and his siblings are starting to pull away from myself, my mom and my sister. It makes me sick to my stomach...I had considered us a family for so long, even if we didn't live together, and now they want nothing to do with us. It just kills me. I miss him so much...I feel like there's a giant hole in my chest that will always be there. His kids are around my age, and were completely unsupportive while my mom was taking care of him. For the past two years, my mom has taken care of my stepdad; she never strayed from his side, and he often joked that she was the best nurse he could ever have. And now, all they seem to want is their share of the money. We mean nothing to them now. Ha, as if losing him hasn't been hard enough, now I'm losing my family too. Has this happened to anyone else? And if so, how do I cope with this? It's gut-wrenching to watch my family just fall apart...

Aubree,
I am so very sorry for your loss. Losses, actually. And, I can relate some to what you are saying about your family. My mom and stepdad were married 17 years and we had been friends with his family for even longer. My mom and one of his sisters were very close at one time. But, after my step-grandma broke her hip in 2006 and my parents let her stay with them as she recuperated (about 3 months), the family has slowly come undone. No one in the family, including my step-grandma, was grateful for the fact that my parents took her in, when no one else would. In fact, her own children only visited her once or twice from the time she was in the hospital to the time she went back home from my mom and dads! And, my mom had to call THEM in order for that to even happen. Now, since his death on July 24th, not ONE of them has called my mom to see how she is doing, or to let her know/invite her to any family holiday events. She is pretty hurt, but expresses it in anger and and 'I don't care about them either then' attitude. But, I know deep down she is feeling very hurt and betrayed. And, they have made it clear that she will get none of the farm property that would have gone to him. Again, seems to be all about the land and the money.
I went through a similar experience when my biological dad's mom died last year with the rest of the family - my blood relatives. My dad was deceased for 8 years last year, but when grandma died, the family told me that I would not get any of the inheritance that should have been mine because my grandma had loaned my dad money over 20 years ago and never paid her back. Luckily for me, a friend who's a lawyer was able to tell me that the statute of limitations in my state on such matters was 7 years. Now, this all took me from the end of February to the end of May to discover, and I was an emotional mess the entire time. When I found out and notified my 'family' of this, they informed me that they had known since March that the statute of limitations was over and I would be getting what was mine. Do you think they could have just TOLD me right away when they found out? NO. Even though, after they knew this, I was requesting copies of the will, the alleged 'notes' that my grandma wrote on small pieces of paper about the money she gave my dad. They had at least 3 oppotunities to tell me and spare me all the emotional stress I was going through. I had been seeing my therapist to work through the sexual abuse my dad inflicted on me for over 14 years, when all this started, so instead of spending my money paying for the therapy for that, I was spending my money paying to get my feelings and thoughts about their treatment of me worked out. I don't even care about the money. It's not very much each year that is paid out. Less than $800. In fact, every cent is going toward our children's educational fund, not for me. Which they know.
Seems that death always brings out the greed in certain people. My mom's family is completely different. They don't care about the money. And there has been no in-fighting about any of it since grandma's death last January. That is how I was raised, with my mom's principles and values. She is the most generous woman with not only any money she has (which is not much), but also with her time and talents. She will help anyone who needs help, even if they are ungrateful and rude. She is so charitable. It is so hard to see such stark differences between all sides of family.
I am so sorry that you have to experience such betrayal from those you considered family, from those you care about and love, from those you have many happy memories of. It hurts. I know. It was my favorite aunt that instigated the whole 'not getting the inheritance' thing. It really hurt. It still does. I have pretty much removed myself from the family until I am in a better place, maybe a place of forgiveness. But I am not there yet. And, I don't want my children to be exposed to that kind of denial and unacceptable behavior. I am trying to raise my children the way my mom raised me, and that doesn't leave much room for them in our lives.
Sorry for the ramble. Just know that you are not alone in this type of treatment. It creates such feelings of hurt, anger, resentment and betrayal. I will keep you all in my prayers.
As far as how to cope, write out your feelings, maybe seek therapy? I don't know. Those things helped me get through that time, but I am still feeling the hurtful feelings from time to time, espeically wround the holidays. I also wrote what's called and 'Healing Letter' to members of my family. If you would like me to send you the format for that, I will. Just let me know how to get it to you. I think you can send me a message from my page? Not sure how this site works completely yet.

My dad Dave died suddenly on January 7th, 2010. We think it was a heart attack, he was found in his recliner. It looked as if he fell asleep and never woke up. He was only 61. It has been 9 days. Sometimes it feels like it's been 9 years and sometimes it feels like 9 seconds. I just can't believe he is really gone. There was so much left to do with him. I am mad that he was taken too soon. I am so sad that I will never hear his voice again or hug him or hear him say "I love you Molly".

My dad died on 12/31/09. He had an elective knee replacement surgery on 9/17- he sailed through the operation but went into respiratory failure a few days later. We are still waiting for the autopsy report. He had been in ICU for 40 days, then another 40 days on the medical floor and TCU. He was discharged two weeks before Xmas only requiring oxygen with activity. I am a pharmacist and am completely appalled at the level of incompetence at the hospital he was at- I can honestly say I directed almost every aspect of his care in the hospital, including reversing/preventing so many mistakes. While he was home his oxygen concentrator stopped working, which we didn't even know was a possibility, and is probably the reason he got worse. We made the difficult decision to remove him from the Bi-Pap, but it was over an hour until he died- his heart just wanted to keep beating. He was my best friend and my biggest fan. I feel totally numb. And lost.

I am sorry for all of the losses that you have experienced. I wish that I could have responded to everyones post individually but my grief is so new and raw like most of you. I went back to work today (haven't worked the last two weeks) and it just didn't seem right for me to be there. Life going on without my dad. I guess this is just one of many "difficult" days ahead. Just wanted to get this off my chest. Again I offer my heartfelt condolences to all of you who have lost your dad. It is so very difficult but it has to get better at one point or another right?

Charlotte

Charlotte, I am also so sorry for the loss of your dad. My dad passed on the 7th, so our timing is about the same. I too can't really figure out how to go back to a "normal" life. Everything just seems wrong somehow. I just keep thinking...how can it be almost 2 weeks already?? The nights are especially hard for me. The house is quiet, kids and husband asleep, and I just sit here crying. I am so sad.

Molly, I know exactly what you mean. I cant' sleep at night, even right now I can't turn my brain off. I guess the only comfort is the memories and times spent together, but right now the pain of loss off sets that. Every now and then I can crack a smile over something my dad did or said, but it is not joyful at this point. ONly pain. I am sorry for your loss as well. I too am sad, so you are not alone.