Hi Debbie,

What you've described is very similar to what my past clients, and current  hospice families experienced. Many people who have never grieved don't understand that the lives and souls of caregivers and loved ones are so integrally tied together, that the loss of a partner is not just the loss of a loved one, but also the fracturing of an identity.

I have been involved with hospice and love that organization.  In the past 3 years I have lost both parents 2 dogs and now my husband.  I had to take care of all of them and loved it.  Well, loved them.  is there a typical time to get over hurt.  I'm guessing it's individual but I would love to know on 'x' day I will  feel better. 

Hi Debbie,

The simple answer is "no." What I've found is that there are two important steps in getting over grief. The first is to identify what emotions you're no longer feeling because of the death of a loved one. The second it to begin searching for ways of replacing them. And that doesn't always mean replacing a partner with a new partner. Warm, good feelings can be recreated in many ways. Hope this helps.

Take Care,

Stan

Hello everyone

Its been a few weeks since I have been on here.  I fell into a deep depression, and was pretty much done with life it self.  I have support at home, I am working for hospice, and I wake up in the morning.  My husband passed in January, and I had to take him off life support.  Not a lot of people can understand what I'm feeling or going thru.  The pain is as strong as when I had to let him go.  I find myself missing him more and more everyday, I still find myself talking to him, or keeping my phone close at work incase he texts me.  I lost the love of my live, and I have no life left, well thats how it feels.  I haven't gotten much from this site, I met a few ppl who were awwesome to chat with, but my pain and heart ache run so deep that nothing seems to help.  Being in the medical field as long as I have been, I know how to help others with their loss, but I can't seem to help myself, the hurt and guilt is too much.  everyday I wonder, did I take him off life support too soon?  could more have been done?   I have written different things on this site and don't get much feed back, and thats what we need.  I also wrote ..A SOCIAL COMMUNITY in the blogs, because some of us need more than just writing about it...  . I go to work and go home, and stay in my room. I don't want to go outside, I don't want to talk to my friends I jst want to be with my husband, because being here jst hurts too much.

Hi Jan,

I'm always humbled when someone quotes me. Please call me Stan. There is always a disparity between the world of someone who is grieving and those who aren't. And as much as I'm committed to the hospice movement, sometimes survivors of those who I serve still grieve.

I don't think you can expect someone who doesn't know why you are grieving (not the person, but the loss) to understand. And often, it may not be appropriate to share your feelings with them.

I think feeling alone is expected, especially when the person who died either was a significant part of your identity or fulfilled certain needs. I've seen both problems in survivors. We all have certain needs. I've found that the more basic the need that was related to the person who died, the greater the sense of loss. You often hear the comment, "just give it time." I don't agree. I have never found that loss is abated just through time. I think the components of grief don't dissipate over time, but rather if left alone, will gobble up more of a person's psyche. I believe getting over grief and recovering is an active, and sometimes, painful process.

Take Care,

Stan

Hi Charlene,

I think you've raised many important issues about grief and guilt. Let me give you feedback on guilt. Having Jewish parents, I'm very familiar with it. I think one of the hardest decisions anybody has to make is the decision involving the end of someone's life. Almost everyone I've known who has done that, looks back and says to themselves, "Did I do the right thing? Should I have waited?"

Unfortunately, the introspection comes during a period when the chaos surrounding the decision is absent. I've never found anybody who makes that decision was wrong, from a mother telling the physician to stop ventilation on her adult child to a husband who said to his wife, "It's alright to go." It's such a powerful and transformative decision, that the events at the time of the decision seem to take over from the person who needs to make it. And rarely, do events lie. I hope this helps.

Take Care,

Stan

Hello.  My name is Cynthia, I'm 58 years old and my husband died from rectal cancer that suddenly, seemingly overnight spread to his liver and his bone marrow and when we found out, he lived another 4 days; he died at home with hospice (the one we had was not a good experience unfortunatly).  I'm hear because, well, becauswe my husband died and I'm hurting.

The ache seems to come and go, and for each of us it will be different; it will take varying amounts of time.  Reading some of the comments, I hear people wanting answers - we all want the pain to stop, to go away, to feel better.  For me, it is like waves.  I seem to go along doing "okay" or maybe just feeling kind of numb and depressed, and then one day I just start crying and it takes off on it's own from there - and I have a meltdown. And I have to cancel my "day" and just stay home and cry.  And I know that's normal and it's okay; the meltdowns still come   There are days I just want to lay down and die and even tho my children are all grown up - one married and one engaged - I know they will still need me, and I simply know that I can't do anything to harm myself because of how it would affect them.  I also belive that my Don would not want me to do anything to myself - I honestly believe he would have fought to hold on longer if the thought I couldn't handle anything.  I found myself telling him at the end it was okay to let go; and I told him I'd be okay - that he didn't have to worry about leaving me, or our girls, or his dad (who died two weeks later from a massive coronary attack).

When I ran grief groups for hospice (I'm a psychotherapist), one man simply decided to make grieving for his wife his "work" and all the did was create rituals to grieve, and to heal, and  he did heal.  There is hope.  It won't feel like this forever, although personally I will always have a hole in my heart where my Don should be.  And I don't belive we ever have to forget our loved one, or "get over it" (one doesn't get "over" grief; one get's through it - eventually.  It just takes as long as it takes).

It's very difficult to get through this process when you have family and even friends who are not supporting you; inlaws who may blame you, family who make you feel guilty.  Sometimes you have to find a way to cut these people out of your life; it's a decision  like 'You're either for me or against me" and if they are against me, who needs 'em?  This is not a time for family obligations or shoulds.  This is actually more of a "me" time, and what do I need now?  And who can help me get there?  Or do I just need to be with me for now?  My therapist suggested I write in a journal, letters to my husband.  As it happened, I found a journal he had written a few pages in on his desk, so I keep that one on his pillow on our bed, and I do write to him - if I wake in the night from a dream that he was in, if I'm in so much pain I honestly think I won't survive it, if I need to rant and rage against the cancer, against him, against whatever I'm angry at.  It helps.  I talk to him; I wear his clothes even.  I do everything I can to keep him close to me; it's only been 3 and 1/2 months, but some people seem to think I should be all back to "normal".  And I've had a "born - again" brother trying to get me to read the Bible; that's not me, and it's not my background, and my husband was a lapsed Catholic - we called him a "recovering Catholic" (no offense intended to anyone reading this!) and I was raised in a Jewish home.  We spent almost 32 years together (if  you count the few months we dated before we got married, we were together 32 years); how can I be expected to be over this in just a few months?  It doesn't work that way.

So when we ask, when will the ache subside?  who knows.  It's the same question I keep wanting to ask others who've lost a spouse.  And for each person it's different, so in my opinion, there is no answer to this question.  The ache will probably be there at the birth of our second Grandson this June and at my other daughter's wedding this fall, when her dad won't be there to walk her down the aisle - that honor will fall to me.  There are so many firsts now; the first anniversary without him; we had our first Chirstmas without him, but didn't really "do" Chirstmas; his birthday, my birthday, our daughter's birthdays; my first trip to NY to visit my daughter and fiancee without him.  I find I steel myself for these events, and just do my best to get through it. 

Yes, there are days I want to take an overdose or find a way to kill myself so I can be with him again; but my girls will always need Mom, and my parents are still around and it would just kill them to lose me; and honestly althought I am not a religious person (but I do believe I'm somewhat spiritual), there is a small part of me that fears if I take my own life, I'll end up somewhere after death where he won't be!  And then I'll never see him again, and that would be my own personal hell.  At least this way, I have hope of someday being with him.  Unfortunately, we have longevity in our family and I'm only 58.  I could live another 40 years!  Maybe someone will just take me out back and shoot me when I get up there... sorry about that.

I'm sorry this is so long.  I guess I just got going and didn't want to stop.  Thank you so much for listening and providing a forum for this.

Dear Debbie -

Thank you.  One of the problems I have is that I have 3 older brothers; they are all very concerned and at first called me more often to see how I am (they all live out of town or in another state).  I am not a religious person (forgive me I repeat myself here), and one of my brothers is "born again" and he called and said he and his wife wanted to send me a bible because they thought I would find comfort from it.  I was raised in a Jewish home and told him I already have 3 bibles - one Christian, one Jewish and one Old Testament.  I told him that there was nothing in there for me at this time; I didn't find comfort there.  All I could think of at that time was if G-d is so loving and forgiving, why did he allow my husband to suffer for so long and in the way he did?  He hasn't called me back.  My third brother took an opportunity to tell me that all of the investments my husband made (and I'm so thankful for that!) should be in the bank; not invested, but they are in IRA's so I can't touch them anyway without paying penalties.  I have found a financial planner who specializes in working with women in my position (widowed or divorced) and who I trust.  I'm grateful for her, too.  My oldest brother, who a physician and has always been there for me and my husband - he really held our hands through the past year - answering questions, talking to our doctors and just generally being supportive and taking care of things that I couldn't as far as our parents go doesn't call as often, because if he calls when I'm having a bad time, he has a hard time knowing what to do or say - which is really nothing; there is nothing he can say, except "I'm sorry.  Is there anything I can do?  What do you need?"  so he just doesn't call as much.  I'm glad you have your brother to help with financial stuff.  My brother in law has been a tremendous help to me and my daughters.  I know exactly what you mean when you say "Oh G-d, not another day without Bill" because I go to bed saying "oh G-d, not another night without Don."  The nights and early mornings when I get up seem to be the hardest, or days when I have nothing special planned, and nothing in particular to do.  I try to stay busy, keep myself occupied.  My dog has probably saved my life, just by "making" me get up each morning because he needs to be fed and he needs to be walked.  He does make me smile, and he makes me laugh - he's so darn cute.  But we got him just a month before my husband died; my friends say he was "sent" to me for a special reason.  Sometimes I have to agree with that.  Without this dog, I really don't know what I'd do.  

We both know how hard this is, and how long it takes to heal is however long it takes, and it is different for everyone.  But I do hold on to the hope that one day, it will hurt just a little less, and a little less... I have a grandson and another on the way and idea of not being here to see them grow up is not acceptable to me.  Yes, I have days I just want to lay down and die, because it just hurts too much.  So I just find myself waiting for the hurt to lessen, and just go about my days the best I can.  I think that's all most of can expect.  You're right; our histories with our husbands will not go away or diminish in anyway.  I envy you your faith; I wish I had that, but I never had and I just don't.  Yet a part of me believes that he is out there somewhere, waiting for me and we will be together again.  That's the only thing that I have to hold on to right now.

Sorry to go on so long again.... I guess once I get started, it's hard to shut me up!  Thank you again; take care.  Hang in there.  Hugs.

Cynthia

Hi Cynthia and Debbie,

When my wife and I helped out at registering people who ran from their homes as they ignited during the the San Bruno gas line explosion, what I saw on their faces and in their words was similar to people I've counseled whose loved one (husband, child, friend, parent) died--emotional shock.

Just as with physical shock, emotional shock creates a very strange and painful world for the person who experiences it, and a world that is confusing to others who haven't. It's difficult sometimes for people to understand why those are grieving are "taking so long to get over it," or why they can't accept the "perfectly good suggestions" they are making.

Not to justify the unhelpful suggestions many friends and relatives make, but I think the basic problem they, and most people in our society have is we separate life from death. And when death occurs, few people are ready for it, especially those who intimately shared the life of someone who is gone.

But the mind is a very unique devise. It may take time for to get back on an even keel, but when it does, suggestions for how to regain joy become more appropriate.

I don't say this cavalierly, but a life without grief, in my mind, would be dismal. Since it would mean that there was no one I cared enough for, that I would miss. I think grief is the price we pay for loving someone.

Hope this helps.

Take Care,

Stan

What I've found is that those who are experiencing the emotional shock have to at some very intuitive level believe that it will diminish.

Hi Susan,

Before writing on end of life issues, I was a speech-language pathologist. In 30 years I've never encountered anyone who had a stroke caused by external trauma. External trauma can cause severe brain damage, but I don't think a stroke. A stroke is caused by the temporary or permanent interruption of blood flow to the brain. And even if the injury was the precipitating event, your mother's brain could have been an accident waiting to happen. Something I think that is even more important is often when someone has a stroke, they can loose balance and fall. That's what happened to my wife, who fortunately recovered fully. It's possible that a stroke led to your mother's fall, and not vice-versa.

In 8 years of hospice work, I've had people fall on me, even though I was trained how to prevent it. When someone "lets go," often there's nothing you an do. Hope this helps.

Take Care,

Stan

Thank you Stan, that information does help some.  I was actually hoping you would respond to my post.  I've been in the background reading the posts for a while before I joined yesterday, and I've been impressed with your advice and input.  I don't understand why no one said that to me in the last few weeks?  And it would make sense since mom had a couple of "TIA's" in the past 2 months. I'm typically the kind that jumps on the internet for answers and puts 2 and 2 together, but losing someone changes everyone's normal direction.  Well, I'll try to remind myself of what you said when the guilt comes over me again.  It will be a difficult one to release. 

I've read about the stages of grief, and I don't feel like I'm trying to avoid or deny my mom's death, but I have no sense of sadness at all and we were incredibly close.  With my father's death 2 or 3 months down the road, I just don't know what to expect with the whole grief process.  I have to stay together for him now.  The telling sign the oncologist told me to watch for (coughing up blood) started the morning of my mother's funeral and has been increasing since then, so we may be closer than we thought.

A week after my mother's death, a very close family friend died at 48 from a heart attack.  We've known him since he was born and his mother is mom's best friend.  Four days later my brother's closest friend also died from a heart attack.  Whew.  Perhaps I'm just numb.

Hi Susan,

Thanks for the kind words. I don't know why the physician or nurse wouldn't have mentioned the possibility of the stroke occurring first. I'm assuming that you will be enrolling your father in hospice. I've always found the sooner the better. And some recent studies have also shown that patients live longer under hospice care than in other settings.

Here's something to think about. Look back at your interactions with your mother from the time both of you knew she was dying. List all of those things that you believe made her death easier. Replicate them with your father. On some of the articles on my website and in my book, Lessons For the Living: Stories of Forgiveness, Gratitude and Courage at the End of Life, I list many of the things that I've seen to be helpful.

Take Care,

Stan

Cynthia and Debbie,  I just read your most recent posts and I'm so sorry for your loss and the tremendous grief that you have in your hearts.  I've been going on pretty matter-of-fact about my parents and feel bad about that after seeing how deeply you're hurting.  My grief just hasn't set in yet, I think because I'm just still numb from losing mom and already having to kick into gear to take care of dad.  I hope that I didn't sound insensitive to the rest of the members of this group that such open wounds from their losses.  Susan

Dear Susan -

Speaking for myself, your words about your mom - and your dad - did not come across as insensitive at all.  You are simply writing about your own experience.  My father in law died from a massive coronary 2 weeks after my husband died.  He was a lovely man, always generous and loving to me and to his sons, his wife and his grandchildren, but he death was expected, and when it's an elderly parent, not to be insensitive to you, somehow I think it's different.  We expect to outlive our parents.  We don't necessarily expect to outlive our spouse.  I tend to go on and on in these posts, so I will try to keep it brief. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist and did support groups for hospice years ago - both bereavement and pre-death for caregivers - and I learned a lot from my clients, but when it was my turn, it was all new and I didn't know what to expect.  What I do know is we all grieve in our own way, there is not right or wrong, there is no "timeline" for grief, and sometimes people say or do the "wrong" things because they simply don't know any better.  So when people ask me how I'm doing, I tell them.  I also tell them I may cry, and if they can't deal with that, don't ask.  My system of support is wonderful - good friends, loving family, and I consider myself lucky for that.  But missing my husband happens every minute of every waking day, and even when I'm sleeping.  This is new for me; I know I'll survive, and I know it will eventually ease.  But for now, it just plain hurts.  

I tend to go on and on, so I'll just stop now and say good night, and thank you for your kind consideration of addressing Debbie and me. 

Cynthia

Susan:

Sometimes the way we handle our grief is to be numb; and to not feel anything for a while.  It's just a coping mechanism.  Losing a parent is hard; losing a spouse is hard; I cannot imagine losing a child, even an adult child.  I think my father in law was for some reason "holding on" for my husband because for over year he'd been telling us he was "ready to go" and he was physically very infirm an needed a lot of assistance just for daily living; but mentally, he was very sharp.  My daughter and i went to visit him twice after my husband died; I didn't want him to think now that his son was gone, I was going to abandon him.  My husband went to visit his dad every Saturday, unless he was really sick; but even when he didn't feel "well," he went.  We were told that the night before my father in law died, he told his caregiver "I'm going to be leaving, and I won't be back, but it's okay because I'm going to be with my son."  He was 96 years young.  And he died sometime that night or in the early morning; when the facility where he lived called me, I called the hospital and told them he had a DNR, and fortunately I didn't have to come up with the document because I didn't find it until a few weeks later; but to try to resuscitate a 96 year old man who was so infirm just didn't seem right, and I know he didn't want that.  

But anyway... I still have both of my parents and even though they are older now and need some help, I do count myself fortunate to have them.

But that's not what I wanted to tell you.  Don't be surprised if one day something triggers a memory or a feeling and you fall apart.  It may or may not happen; but if it does, let it.  It's part of the healing and it's a release.  And it might catch you totally by surprise.  I cried a lot the week my husband was in the hospital, and then I was angry a lot, but I didn't know why; we didn't have a prognosis yet.  My brother thinks I did know, and maybe I did.  But while my husband was alive, and fighting the cancer, my crying seemed to come when I was frustrated with some medical person or agency or something, and that allowed me to let it out because I don't think I ever really faced the reality that the cancer might kill him; we both just assumed he'd beat it, and that was our attitude.  So when the dr. told us in his office that Don had days to weeks, I cried, but it was more weepy crying.  Then when he was at home and hospice let me down by not getting his morphine to us when they said they would, I cried at those things.  Then when he actually died, and I laid down with him and held him, I cried.  And then I didn't cry for a while.  I got teary at time, but I didn't really let it out and sob and rage and feel like I couldn't go on until weeks later.  I think it was maybe  4 or 5 weeks or longer.   I still have those days; I call them meltdown days, but they are farther and fewer between.  i am actually moving on, I think.  I am going back to work teaching at a local university (part time) this summer and fall; I don't know about seeing clients yet (I'm a marriage and family therapist if I didn't already tell you that).  

But you were very close to you mom, and frankly a loss is a loss.  And no one can tell you one loss isn't as  painful as another, or "gee, mine hurts more...."  All that matters is how you feel, how you cope.  So again, allow yourself whatever you need.  Lean on your husband for support when you need it, and know that it's okay to smile, or laugh or enjoy something.  You are not being disloyal.  I can only imagine how much you miss you mom; I know how much I'd miss mine if she were gone.  Take care of yourself. 

Cynthia

Susan -

It's none of my business of course, but if I were to give advice, and you haven't asked for any, what I would say is take care you right now. Do whatever you have to do to get through this, and that may include not reading your sister's emails, and no replying.  Maybe just block her email for now.  If she calls, tell you simply don't have the energy to take care of her (emotionally), too.  We don't choose our siblings; it's the luck of the draw.  Just because someone is a sister or brother doesn't mean we own them anything.  Again, take good care of you; you're going to need all the energy reserves you can muster if you plan to care for your dad.  I would get a caregiver in addition to hospice; someone else to do the little things you can do, and maybe stay overnight with him so you can be with your family.  Just my thoughts...

Cynthia

Cynthia,

You're right on the mark and that's what I've basically done.  I don't take calls from her and I stopped reading her email a few days ago.  And, yes, I do have a caretaker that was with my mom, and now my dad, during the day while I'm at work.  She is wonderful and has become a member of our family.  Mom slept most of the time the last several months, so they became great friends, and now she is also his companion.  I don't know what I'd do without her.  She also makes me eat!!!  Oh, and Cynthia - I'm always open for advice.

Debbie -

I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved pet at this time especially.  Any type of loss will usually trigger the original loss.  We got our little dog, Calvin, one month before my husband died - we didn't know he wasn't going to be here with us - and everyone who knows me  tells me that this dog was sent to me at this particular time for a particular reason.  He is just so attached to me and my little shadow. He comforts me a lot, and I cannot imagine how I would cope with losing him.  My heart goes out to you.

Cynthia

I am new to this site and this group. My grandma died a month ago this past Tuesday. I have been doing fairly well going through the grief even Tuesday that marked a month. Today I am at the lowest I have been since the day she died and even that day I was sad but peaceful and accepting of it. Today I am far from peaceful and just want to curl up and sleep the day away. I received my copy of her Last Will and Testament yesterday in the mail and it broke me up so much that I had to leave work today after only an hour of being there. It was like it was just happening again. I have a closer relationship to God now but today that is not helping my pain and hurt. I fear taking a nap today due to my history of major depression which started 11yrs ago when my grandpa died. I came out of it but I am fearful of going back to that place again. Peace and blessings to all today.

Charlene - 

Yesterday was 7 months since my husband died - also in my arms.  Friday I had to give up  my dog because I just couldn't care for him; he was sick and I couldn't go through taking care of a sick dog after losing my husband to cancer; it feels like losing my husband all over again. And the expense was beyond my limited means.  And Father's day is next Sunday so I know that will be a tough day for me and my daughters.  I have to say, as painful as this is, it is easier.  I have fewer bad days and more good days.  I still wear both my wedding ring and his on my right hand and I still haven't packed up any of his things except what I've offered to family - what they might have wanted of him, especially his brother and our daughters.   But the loss will always be with me.  Someone asked me if I thought I'd ever start to "date" again and I just can't imagine being with anyone else, as lonely as it is being alone.  And it is hard to find joy in life - I find I have to look for it; I have to force myself to take part in social activities, but I'm always glad I did at the end.  I think one just has to take it one step at a time; one foot in front of the other.  Hang in there.

This morning I woke up on my husband's side of the bed.  I don't do that often, but my mom slept over and she was on my side. Now a little about the california king sized bed - i stopped sleeping at the head of it months ago. i found i couldn't sleep in the same direction he and i shared.  so i sleep in a completely different direction.  So back to waking up. Its almost a month out from my wedding anniversary and when i woke up on his side, it was like Hello Grief, you been gone for about a week now , welcome back Depression, thank God you aren't the crippling kind. Today I'm crying the Demi Moore in Ghost kind of crying.  Not the omg, i'm running out of tissues, and i wonder how many minutes can you cry straight before you die? kind of crying.

well either way, the amount of tears isn't really important.  I still got socked with that grief. My mom was like, well get off that side of the bed girl!  I know when i think of my dead husband, I put it outta of my mind immediately.  I'm like whew, you obviously either have a double walled bank vault type of a mind, or you like didn't love your husband as much as i did mine...funny how judgement is comforting in a way.  Nonetheless, after my demi moore tears, (and i didn't move out of Jason's spot) I accept my grief. I understand it is my right and I can grieve him as long as it takes, for whatever reason that crops out. I want my grief to have its way. I want to process each and every feeling and emotion about this even it it takes years. I want to understand that it is alright to grieve him even on something as small as sleeping on his side of the bed after its been vacated by him since 2008.  I miss my Boo. It's gonna be alright. I am glad today it was a Demi Moore cry day. I went back to sleep and did that after crying fatigue hit me, and i was thankful that i had the oppty to do that healing sleep for myself. And i woke up feeling a lot better. More in touch with me and my pain, more gentle and accepting of myself and incredibly grateful that I loved a man deeply enough and was loved as equally well by him - what an incredible gift that is .

Dear All -

We will all always have reminders of the person we loved - a smell, a sound, a song, a book, we'll find a card they gave us deep in a drawer somewhere - or a card we bought for them... after my husband died in November, I was "cleaning" out drawers and found a card I had bought to give him on Valentine's day, but obviously I didn't get the chance.  Whenever I read about someone "fighting the tears" I want to say, don't.  Don't fight the feelings; the hurt, the pain, the tears, the grief.  You will not get through this if you fight it; grief fights back.  The more you try to push down your feelings, they have no where to go, and they will come back with even more of a punch another time.  Grief is something we have to work; "work the process" I say.  It is a process.  My husband died last November; and I had to give up my dog in May - that broke my heart.  But I never stuffed my feelings; I just told people if I was out somewhere, "I may cry..." and everyone understood.  I sobbed through massages and manicures and neighbor's visits; I sobbed on the phone with my daughters and I found therapy to be a wonderful, safe place to let it out.  And there were days I simply called everyone on my calendar that day and cancelled.  And when people said, well okay, but you really need to get out and be with people... I just said, Yes, you're right, and thank you, but not today.  Then I stayed in bed, holding his hat or his pillow or wearing his robe and sobbed until there was nothing left.  I was exhausted afterwards, and my throat hurt, but it was a release.  One night I was having a meltdown and thinking of how many pills I would have to take to not wake up when my neighbor just "dropped by" to check in on me; I don't know how he knew I needed someone at that moment, but somehow, he did.  I'm getting teary now as I write this.  I miss my Don, I always will - I miss his arms around me, and my arms around him; I even miss helping him change his ostomy bag after his surgery.... I didn't think I'd ever miss that - but if it would mean having him here, I'd rather change that damn bag than not have him here.  But I have no say over what has happened.  He's at peace, he's out of pain, we all miss him terribly; my daughter is getting married in three weeks and looking forward to the wedding is joyful, but knowing he won't be there has all of us feeling the loss and sadness.  So my daughter wanted something at the wedding to honor him, and remember him, but she didn't want anything big and showy - not even a photo on what would have been his chair; so she's having a boutonniere made for him, and we'll just put that on a chair in the front row, on the aisle, and that will be for him.  

Well, there I am, rambling on as usual... I want to say this however, before I sign off...

It does get better, and it does get easier, and it isn't a betrayal of your loved one's memory, or of them; it doesn't mean you have forgotten them, or loved them less - it means that you are doing what you are supposed to do:  WORKING THROUGH it, and moving on.  I keep asking, what would he have wanted for me?  And he wouldn't have wanted me to take an overdose or pills or otherwise harm myself; he would have wanted me to stay stuck in my grief.  I am sad that his last few days on earth he wasn't very lucid most of the time, and I think he wanted to tell me something, but he couldn't.  He would reach out to me and mumble something but I couldn't understand him.  So all I could do was tell him I loved him, how much our life together had meant to me, all I was grateful for, that it was okay to let go and move on when he was a ready.  

So work the process; don't hold back.  There is no shame in grieving and if people don't understand, it's their issue, not yours.  Be strong for yourself and your loved on, and by that, I mean be strong enough to allow yourself to feel and cry or do whatever you need to do.

Take care of yourselves.  

Dear Christine - I'm so sorry for your loss.  The ache doesn't really subside - at least for me; it just isn't there constantly now.  But when it is there, it's pretty much  "In  plain sight..." and not hiding out.  This month is hard; Don and I met in October, got engaged at Thanksgiving; the one year anniversary of his death is Nov. 12 and I'm already thinking about how to spend the day.  I'm seriously thinking of getting a hotel room on the beach and just being alone with myself and my thoughts.  But I feel that I need to talk to my daughters first and find out what their needs are; they are both married, one lives back east in NYC, and the other one, well, I'm not sure what she'll want.  

Hang in there.  Lost and broken is a good way to put the feeling into words - I still often feel that way.  I talk to him a lot; he just isn't there to answer me.