About four days left here in Canada, for me.  My current husband knows of all my feelings regarding my need to get back to North Carolina, so i can try to reconnect with my son, and visit with my grandson--make sure he's safe and doing OK.  Since my last post, he's had another birthday, so he's now 5 years old and doesn't start kindergarten until next school year.  i have gotten all the paperwork i'm going to receive, concerning my daughter's death.  So, in essence, i have a few things going on at the moment, and i'm just hoping to land upright when i get in to NC. (i have issues in crowded situations, so my doc prescribed me a couple 'stay calm' pills, just in case.) So many things have gone crazy in the past year, and that's not even overstating it.  My husband's taking on a 'new' persona--or something along that line--and has told me that he's felt that way for a long time, he's just never acted on it.  *sigh  i guess once i get back to NC, i will once again, try to work on my mental/emotional state, while i'm trying to reconnect.  It was either leave or something far worse....  :(

i've been in NC now, for a lil over three weeks.  i just got back from the tree lighting/holiday parade for the community here, and i had a really tough time.  All i had to do was sit down and Shelby's death hit me all over again.  i know it's gonna be hard for a while, and it's not like i can just brush the feelings off.  i've tried calling to speak with my grandson since i've been here, and got nowhere, as of yet.  i also tried calling my son--who i haven't spoken to since Dec 2012--and as soon as i told him who he was speaking to, the call dropped.  *sigh  Anxiety and heartbreak are constantly present, lately.  

On a brighter side, my 'husband', in Canada, has been pretty supportive since i've been gone.  Sometimes, i feel as though i'm speaking to a complete stranger.  But, i know he's trying to cope with things for himself, as well as find his own niche in life.  For now, we have agreed to be friends and remain in each others' lives.

It'd be so easy, most days, to just give up and give in.  *sigh

Thank you for taking the time to read.
My name is Danielle and at 22 years old I had thought I met the man of my dreams. Sure he had a past run in with drugs but he was going through a divorce, had a daughter and I excepted him for the person he was.
Long story short, things did not work out as I had hoped. I was in a cycle of a mentaly abusive relationship, he would tell me what he wanted me to be, dress like, look like and ended up cheating on me. The pattern went on for years of coming and going.
When I had finally had enough he came back wanting to do better, "Treat" me better this time. This man named Rick was 10 years older then me and I was always wanting to please him and in the same breath I thought I could be the one to act like they did not care.. it is not that easy to act like you don't care about someone after these mental games.
I wanted Rick to feel the way I did..and yet no matter what I always came back. We had many different memories, good and bad..I will say more bad then good. I had never felt good enough for him, even though it came to be he had low self esteem and wanted to bring me down.
In my heart, I think the idea of this man and his potential and seeing the good days of how he treated me I held on to "One Day" we would have our fairytale.
I would check in once or twice a year on him regardless of relationship status.. this time around last August he asked me if I wanted to catch up and I met him at his new home.
It was like seeing someone I knew and loved on a different path then I had imagined.
Rick had lost his home, most of all his things, and was just trying to get by. Rick was staying in a in-law apartment from this woman he knew and looked frail and smelt of cigarettes and vape.
We talked and talked and I realized wow...I love him but I just don't have that In love with him status for this man that had done so much to me. I stayed over that night in sweats and we woke up holding hands. I knew the feeling I had for him was no longer there, but the love was there. I gave him hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye.
Months later he had texted me as I was moving in with my significant other at this time..he became rude because I was not accepting his advances. I cannot recall what he had said and what I said back but I know I had defended myself and aimed to hurt his feelings.
I blocked Rick and this was the last time we had spoke in February.
Rick had passed of an overdose May 2017, and I just found out as of Friday last week.
I am in shock and I feel ashamed for the the last time we spoke and I have so much hurt of why I was not good enough or what I could had done in this relationship/friendship. I find myself crying daily and thinking my wrongs...Please tell me this hurt will go away and how do I find the strength to not be so hard on myself... Please