I'd like to start by saying that I can't believe I found an outlet with people who've suffered similar experiences. It's comforting to know that while I may be an exception to the rule of "disenfrancised grief" that you exist. 

Morally, it's difficult to put into words, onto a keyboard how I feel about my loss.

The romantic in me is heartbroken

The pragmatic in me is trudging along

I'm married with no children. I love my husband and we have a great relationship. We are more like sibling/friends who've nourished each other for 22 years. 

My "partner who is not my partner" was also married. 2 teenage boys & a wife that didn't show much affection (isn't that always the story)

We had been together 13 years. We chatted daily on the phone. We texted an absurd amount of time (I was shocked looking at my cell bill). We began a casual relationship to fill the gaps in our marriage & of course we progressed to leading almost double lives. 

He passed suddenly of a heart attack last month. Being the other woman, I found out only by instinct, curiosity & google as a result of an unanswered text.  

There is one friend who I've confided in for years and she has been my rock through this loss. 

I don't want to shout off mountain tops. I don't want to let his wife know. I can't let my husband see me cry. I've no liberty to mourn. I've no freedom to take time away from work. I'm strong and coping. I'm not medicated. I'm not seeing a therapist. 

I am reading and re-reading email and all social media to the point where I have to pull back as it was not helping. The wife is now posting photos of him, starting go fund me (she works from home) & is financially broken. If she knew he had a first edition of a popular book, she could sell it and live well for a few months (I gave it to him as a gift) but I can't dare tell her or think of creative ways to connect without revealing myself.

Finding moments to cry are few and far between but I'm trying to feel it all.

There is little reading one can find on how to cope as the unknown other woman. 

I was blessed to attend a streaming version of the funeral but it wasn't closure for me as I have so many questions on the "how" and the "where" and "when"; like I could have helped save him. He passed on a Monday evening; we spoke and texted at 4pm & 9pm.

He wanted to remain the best father to his kids, upstanding dad to his friends & family & business partner to his wife. He left this world being the vision of the love of her life & it kills me to know the story isn't all sunshine & roses. I shall respect him & allow them to see the facade he wanted to build but it's hurting inside to know that I am missing him in ways she never will.

Reading your posts is assuring and I know I will get through it but I miss him so damn much. It's been a month and I've got no oomph. No sympathy. No motivation.

Just heartache of never being able to kiss him again.

Any feedback on how to cope is welcomed. 

Thank you for taking the time to read about some of my current experience.

R