When will the ache subside?

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A group for people who have lost loved ones with prolonged suffering. For those of us who have seen that the end is coming, and had to watch the ones we love creep toward it.
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Waking up from dreaming of my hubby today

by roxydee

Mar 12, 2011

today i woke up froma dream about jason and i of course bawled my eyes out when i woke up. dreaming of him is always so hard for me. even i don't see his face its like hes all up inside my head and being, forcing me to see where i am and how far im progressing.  i am sure this all came up and has been bubbling up when i was contemplating dating again.

i miss him so much and in this dream, i was told that if i kept seeing him, and didn't let him go, i would not be able to move forward and it seemed like i felt pressured within myself to force myself ahead of the point i truly am at.

i don't know how to be good to myself, easy on myself. i push myself like i'm a slave driver . i don't know how to enjoy life. i thought i had found out the key to enjoying life was to be with someone else who enjoyed it which is why i was so devastated when my ambassador to life love and everything else died. i felt like i had been seeing in color and had breathed in oxygen for the first time in my life.

and now i have to go back to black and white. i want to scream

i'm gonna try to get out of this gloomy house and take a walk with bubbles where i used to go with jason. he may not be there wth me, but i truly did enjoy my walks with him there when i was alive when he was alive. maybe something will shake loose if i go out there again by myself with bubbles my dog. wish me luck though today is sunny and beautiful, it feels cloudy and gloomy in my heart.

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    Cynthia Horacek

    Roxydee -

    I hear you.  I believe that our dreams may hold answers to questions we may know even know we are asking.  Maybe you can look at this dream and see if there is a message here for you?  Or maybe a dream is just a dream... 

    I would be so bold as to suggest you find out why you drive yourself so hard.  But I am glad you are finding the time to take a nice walk outdoors and enjoying the beautiful weather.

    Cynthia

    Mar 12, 2011

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      roxydee

      I truly hunkered down respectfully into the grief that day. I have been learning since 1/29/2009 that I must accept and respect the days that I do not feel good.  I've come a long long way from actively fighting what i feel. It is perfectly alright to miss my husband, each and every single day if that is how i feel.  Much of my battle comes from when I don't accept my right to feel, when I try to edit, diminish or Logic my way away from the painful realization that my best friend is gone from my side when I thought he would be here with me forever (call it wild call it crazy but there it is)  I now accept that this disappointment wasn't personal. It was just that his precious time here on this plane was done. Oh but what joy and fun we enjoyed the short perfect time we knew one another. I am truly blessed to have known that man who though was 19 yrs older than me, we were in perfect accord and that guy, he just got me. he truly truly got me like I got him. I rejoice in the fact that i was lucky enough just to know him at all.  And i also know how utterly blessed we both were to know one another. He got just a kick out of loving me as I did him. He made me feel whole for the first time in my life. So I try to remember that wholeness. That completeness I still feel on days that i am not focused on the loss and on the days i focus on the gift of him. Gifts even discovered after he died. Overall, i celebrate the fact that i made it thru another grief storm with my mind intact.

      Mar 15, 2011