Yes Michael I can relate somewhat to that, although having left the country within a month after it all happened means I kind of got insulated from all this until my next visit.  Dealing with siblings can be a challenge and usually is.  Except parents, nobody is there to provide unconditional support in this world.

Thank you Emily.

My condolences, Storyas.

The worst thing was my 62 year old brother telling me, a 51 year old man, that i should "maybe go talk to dad about it."

God Bless everyone.

yes age is not a factor here Michael. Sibling issues can happen and is almost expected. The thing is I always thought this thing was more in certain cultures but i realize now this is commonplace in every country/culture.

Try your best to keep your cool and work on the grieving.

Just curious to hear--do you feel like your spouse/significant other/partner understands your grief and/or offers you the support you need? My mom passed away from cancer nearly 8 months ago. It's been very hard for my husband to understand. In a way, I get it because he's never been through this with his own parents, so how could he truly understand? In the beginning, he was very supportive. But that support seems to have waned. He doesn't ask me how I'm doing. The other day, he came into the living room and saw I was crying. He was alarmed and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was missing my mom. He seemed a bit mystified to learn that I am still grieving. He didn't offer me any kind of support in that moment. I was extremely hurt. Anyone else experience this?

Not experiencing this Eliza but I can tell you this is quite common.  A few researchers have found that spouse support is very difficult to get e.g. my sister's husband tells her to move on all the time.  Many marriages have fallen apart as well as the partner just does not understand. This has caused the grieving partner a lot of pain.  Its amazing that the only unconditional love one gets in life is from the parents not partner. My heart is with you Eliza as we live with this pain

Eliza, I can relate to your experience. My Mom passed away very unexpectedly on May 8 and while my boyfriend of 15 years loved her too, he openly admits he can't begin to understand what I'm going through. I can't say he's not supportive because without him I could not have even survived this far, but he has become a little impatient with my grief already. He too has asked what's wrong and even told me to stop crying (not in a harsh way, but impossible to heed). He listens when I talk but doesn't ask how I'm doing or talk to me about it. The circumstances are so traumatizing for me I just can't be consoled by anyone but the very person whose absence is the cause of my anguish. Maybe he knows that or he just has a hard time with emotions I don't know. I try to hide my crying from him as much as I can now because it disappoints him that he can't cheer me up. I love him - my life was all about taking care of him and my Mom - but I feel like I can never really be happy again and I can't tell him that.

Kristen Renee I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

Thank you, Emily Elizabeth. This is the only outlet I've found for my emotions where I know someone might truly understand what I'm feeling.

Your welcome, I know its hard.

Yes Kris, a partner is not the best option to turn to in these situations.  Google and you will find this.  You want to be with people who have been/are going through this. 

I am with you Cynthia.  The only unconditional support comes from the parent, sometimes Mom more, sometimes Dad more but it is parents.  Not partner or spouse.  The first 6 months are the key to survival.  Write more often.

oh by the way Cynthia you do need that even as an adult as long as you are someone's daughter or son we all need support.  So don't think you have not grown up you have but are you an adult child. 

We are not alone in our grief.  I am glad that there are places like this we can come and post or just read what others are going through so we know we are not alone. 

Michael, oh yes. I understand the feeling of someone else taking things that mean something more to you.  My mothers things are precious to me, not matter of the value.  Heck, I took one of her shirts, that I had bought her in the first place, that she wore all the time.  To me it is valuable momento. Someone else said to throw it away.  My brother accused me of wanting something to go sell on ebay...I was so angry.  There is no way I would give or sell anything from my mom.  When I am gone, my son will have to figure out what to do with it.  My son was very close to his grandmother, so it will probably be up to his 2 daughters to decide (the oldest is 3 and the baby is 2 weeks old).

THose two little girls keep me going.  They are the most amazing people, I just love to sit and watch them.  I do not spoil them at all (wink wink). 

We thought that my mom's wedding rings were stolen (or lost) too.  But some how they 'miraculously' showed up in some things my brother had.  He tried to take them too, but my oldest sister ended up with them.

I did finally did go through a couple of boxes of my mom's things.  It will be a slow process for me. 

Cynthia Gee: While I admire you and others for seeking counseling like Kristen I need to talk/message those who lost a mom or a loved one, they are the ones who really understand me. I do hope you have a good counselor, I've had good ones and bad ones in the past.

thank you Nancy.

I value this place very much, because I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. If it wasn't because I can read what others go through, I wouldn't know that it's ok to feel this way after months that my Mom passed away, even when it seems the world keeps going without her just as it always did. For me it doesn't.

Thank you Kristen, Danny, everyone for sharing your experiences. When he sees me crying, he's simply at a loss--he gives me a hug and let's me cry, but I know he doesn't truly understand. And I get that--you don't get it unless/until you've gone through it. This is truly the most devastating, heart-wrenching, soul-searching time I've been through. I find that it is more helpful to come here and vent and talk to people who get it. But I am also remembering the "Griever's Bill of Rights"--you have a right to grieve for as long as you need to. You have a right to grieve in your own way.

It's been nearly 8 months since mom passed on from this world. It's getting easier, but I still have tough, down days. I guess we just have to work through them, let them happen.

Melisa, I understand how you're feeling. My grief counselor pointed out that (especially in Western society), we are taught to compartmentalize our grief into a specific, short amount of time. We get our designated 3-5 days off and then that's it! We're supposed to be "over it." What people who have not been through this fail to realize is that you rarely--if ever--get "over it." I think of grief as something we have to go through. I don't think I'll ever truly "get over" losing my mom. She was in my life for 36 years and meant a great deal to me--why would I suddenly be over losing her? Be gentle with yourself. Your grief is your right. And we all get what you're going through. Take care.

Eliza is correct you never get over it.  The question remains how to go with this gap ? Can one go on ? It is easier to grieve also without the partner as many have said they do not get it.

no, you never get over it; you just adjust to it.  I'm coming up on 6 months now since Mom passed and it's still an open wound for me.  I get some solace from making a few visits to the cemetery each month, and work is a good distraction, but I am nowhere near "over it".  If you have not been thru this, you just don't get it.  I have two colleagues at work who lost their parents and they feel the same way, experience the same things with their peers, i.e. "Mom/Dad was old, they passed, you should get over it".  Easy to say, hard to do.

excellent comment Jeff.  But as you adjust to it do you think like what's the use of work anymore ? I mean who would applaud if you did well and who would support if things go wrong in the future ? Do you think a spouse does this well if they have not been through it ? sibling ?  i don't even tell any of my peers about all this as they don't know.

I feel pressure to act normal all the time for the sake of others who are coping or "getting over it." Inside I'm screaming and wondering how the hell everyone is holding it together when I'm losing it. The best I can hope for is temporary distraction but it never lasts long and the horror floods back in. A friend of mine recently lost her mother too but her family is very religious so she hardly seems affected. Everyone grieves differently, I know, I guess I just don't understand and wish I was coping at least half as well. 

work occupies my mind, so I can focus on something rather than dwell on the sadness I feel.  My Mom was always big on work and accomplishments, so I feel like she'd want me to plow ahead.  But, it's very hard to accept the loss.

I am trying to pursue something I had planned to do with my Mom but it's an uphill climb and it's so hard knowing I can never share it with her. Should I fail or succeed, I'm alone. 

me too i think i will try to focus on work after a couple of months. that the thing if i fail or succeed i am alone but maybe the person is watching and even you might dream.

almost a year and i still cry when i think about my mom.

Hang in there Michael.  It is not going to go away ever for some like us so just try to function on a routine if possible.

I feel so badly for all of us going through so much pain. I cried myself to sleep last night, I miss my mother so very much.

Yesterday would have been my parent's 38th wedding anniversary. Since my mom died in April, we've had my wedding anniversary, her birthday, mother's day, the birth of my second child, and her wedding anniversary. Next up: Thanksgiving, my first son's birthday, and Christmas. I'm so sad today thinking of everything she's missed already and of all of the "happy" occasions that she will never be part of again. I still can't believe she's gone, and that I'll never be able to talk to her again or see her play with her grandkids.

glad my parents made it to their 50th anniversary this was the main goal i had

By way of introduction, my name is Don and I have been following this wonderful site for several months now. I lost my mother back on October 14, 2012, and previously had lost my dad back in 1996 (making me a member of that dreaded group, the “Adult Orphans Club”. While I know that this is a group that most all of us join in the normal course of life, I hate being a member and would give anything to turn in my membership card immediately!). While my mother was 90 and had her share of ailments, she was as sharp as a tack and her death was sudden (she died of congestive heart failure in her sleep) and quite a shock. Like most all of you on this site, my relationship with my mother was so much beyond parent and child. While (because of my only child status) I was always close with my parents, my relationship with my mom really went to a different level after my father’s passing. We lived under the same roof, ate the same food, breathed the same air and were each other’s best friend. I really think that in many respects we became one person, and, as so many of you have expressed, I know a piece of me died right along with her that October early morning! As I reached the nine month anniversary of her passing, the grief and emptiness really hit home as much as ever. You reach the point where the shock and numbness of your mother’s passing wears off, as does the flurry of activity in the immediate months after her death (be it from family and friends, well wishers or from all of the legal and tax related work that inevitably needs to be done!) You are then left with the rest of your life- It just can’t be real! There is just no way that I am destined to go the rest of my days without ever seeing my mother again, hearing her voice (aside from the phone answering machine tape that I have carefully saved!), touching her or making any of the major life decisions coming down the road without her advice and input. This is not to mention that the passing of both parents is a stark reminder of your own mortality and that you have now lost both of the people who knew your entire life history aside from yourself and served as your foundation. I have found that, at least for the immediate time, that I just cannot look too far in the future, as the grief and anxiety from all of these realities can just consume you. Like many on this site, I likewise struggle to move on with llfe as the emptiness of losing both parents just makes the living of such seem so meaningless at times (as many of you have cited, weekend mornings can be brutal and it takes great discipline just to get out of bed and start the day!) To combat this, I try to keep the memories of my parents alive each day as well as all of the special times that were share with them. I have also taken the advice of several people and make it a point to look closely in the mirror (I considered this to be a traumatic experience in the past, but not so much now!:)) By doing this, you realize how much of your parent's physical features you have and that, in many ways, they are not really gone as they are living through you. It is something that provides a measure of comfort going forward. I have also found a great measure of comfort by finding this site and realizing that I am not alone with the feelings I have and the emotions I am going through. As has been said many times here, the only people who can really understand are those that have gone through the same trauma and it is wonderful to have a place where one’s true feelings can be expressed!

Welcome Don. 

Hi Donald. I also dread the thought of the rest of my life without Mom. It's so different now, I have to struggle to find little pieces of joy.

The key is whether one has created some sort of an identity for themselves already prior to the loss.  For example have you lived on your own before ? This helps to manage the grief of course it is not going to go away ever.  Managing the grief is the key Melisa.  One mistake I made was not to anticipate this at all. I didnt think of how I would manage this without my rock.  Did anyone do this ? I have however lived on my own and made my own decisions.  Plus I am reading a lot proactively now on how to manage. 

Yes, Danny, that's one of the reasons why it's so hard to cope. We were very, very close. First time in my life I'm on my own.

Don, thank you for sharing with us. I am very much like you, the same situation. We shared a home, and we were like one. Perfectly happy living in complete harmony.

I have lived of my own, but so grateful I got to spend as much time as I did before she left this world.

May God give is all the strength to go on.

We have to get the strength from somwhere Melisa.  I am thinking all the time, reading, etc.  We have to depend on God right now partially.

Eliza, I still have to go thru most of my Mom's personal things. I started to months ago, and had to stop as I could not bear it. Because my mother and I shared a home,  a good friend told me to wait until I had the strength to do it. Thus far I have not. I even have her purse which I put in a nice box, and not able to even open. Of course, you would almost feel guilty about having your mother's sewing box, it should be hers, and she should be here. This is where I am, as well. Our minds have not adjusted to the reality that they no longer are with us, they are now in Heaven with God.

You are welcome, Eliza. Today is a tough day for you, I can imagine. And, your Mom is proud of you by honoring her by doing what she loved to do. It gives me comfort to know our Mothers are our Angels now loving, and guiding us as they used to. It is Eternal Love.

P.S. It does not mean that I will feel low tomorrow, it just means that in those moments when I have a glimpse at the mysteries that are beyond our understanding one can see below the surface of events. Highly recommend Eckhart Tolle's Teachings specially "Practicing the Power of Now". My Mother and I used to read some of his teachings every day, and it non-denominational.

Hang in there too Cindy. You are doing all the right things.  No rush.

It's been a super long time since I have posted here. The days are moving along but this 3rd summer without her has been tough. My 21 year old sister graduated college. Mom saw her to school her freshman year, but wasn't here to see her cross that finish line. It was a joyous occasion but marked with sadness. It was surreal not having mom here.

Today I was speaking with my cousins who informed me that they are no longer speaking to their mother. They had some argument and literally cut the mother off...they even went as far as de-friended the mom on Facebook!!  When I hear things like this it makes me literally sick to my stomach.  I loved my mom dearly. Of course we fought but we loved just as much and I miss her every second of every day.  I would give anything to have her back. Anything!!

I know this is really bad to think or say, but sometimes I question why would my mom be taken away and other people who don't even value or appreciate or talk to their mothers, still have them here on earth. It's not fair.

And, what's somewhat even worse is that they (cousins) had no issue telling me this! I mean, can they at least realize that I don't have my mother and the fact that they are complaining about theirs is a complete slap in the face??

What is wrong with people??

Tomorrow it will be 3 months since my Mom has been gone. You're right, Marie. It isn't fair. I see people taking their moms for granted or mistreating them and I resent them because they're so lucky and they don't even know it. I also would give anything to have my Mom back. Even just one more day, I'd give up everything if I could have one more day to make her happy and hear her laugh and hug her. How much I miss her and how much her absence has devastated me simply can't be overstated. 

To your question: I guess some people just won't know what they had until it's gone when they'll be filled with regret or they just don't care.

Look, to be honest we all have made mistakes. Idealizing oneself is not a good thing as well.  I do agree that often we take parents for granted and the feelings of guilt and regret are with everyone with a few exceptions of course. Research shows that the parent child relationship is one which wants both proximity and distance at the same time.

Thank you, Marie. And thank you also to everyone here who has listened and offered their support ~ my sincere condolences for your respective losses.

Marie Brooks They don't appreciate what they have, they don't realize life can be too short, they don't understand that this is lost time til its too late.