I am having one of the worst weeks ever and I have a feeling, next week isn't going to get any better! My birthday is next friday..my first without mom! I've been fighting having to go into the hospital for a few days..I'm just so exhausted, physically and emotionally! Sometimes I wonder if I will have the strength to continue on!

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone that is going through a loss. It doesn't matter how old you are, everyone needs their mother..and I need mine bad!:'(

HUGS to you Jennifer, Michael, Jayne, and others.

(((((          )))))

I feel for all of you. So many times, I also thought it would be easier if i could just go be with my mom. It scares me. I have been thinking about the upcoming holidays and how hard it is going to be.

My condolences to everyone.  My mom made sure to alwyas celebrate our birthdays, no matter how old we got.  Nov 1st will be my first birthday without Mom, and i am crying just thinking about her not being here

I hate this time of the year  and  when sept ends and oct begains i start to have a melt down big melt downs, I hate the fall weather just becase when the end of oct hits , and then i'll be fighting the physically and emotionally break downs on nov 2nd. thinking back when  my mom passed away and how i still wished  she  was still  here with us  as  today.  it still scares me that my family doesn't stay intouch woth me no more and I am leaving in less then 15 days  to welcome my newest grandson into the world  and he will be born on the day when his great grandma ( my mom) passed away.  this is  going  to  be  even harder for me  to hold my emotions back from  my doughter and my son-inlaw and  3 yr old grandson. Oh my!  It  is  going to scare me but knowing  she  is going to be with me in sprit, I  miss  My mom.

This does seem to be a really brutal time of year. I have no idea why I am being bombarded by meltdowns nearly everyday now. I guess it's what Sharon said about the holidays coming up, and my mother's birthday would be on the 19th. I'll be going up to stay with my dad for a while. He doesn't want to do anything special on her birthday; I had sort of wanted to cook steaks because that's what she loved to do. I have to honor his wishes, though.... Maybe you can think of that new life coming into this world as the completion of a circle, Sharon. Your new grandbaby coming on the day your mother left is sort of special in a way. But I know you want her there to share this with you. I don't think you should worry about your emotions on this upcoming occasion because they represent how you feel and your daughter might be able to comfort you. I hope so, anyway.

I just went through my first birthday without my mother, Jennifer. I won't gloss over it for you: It was painful to go through. It made it all so real -- again. But what I experienced a few days after was very touching, deep in my soul. I was brought to my knees in gratitude, not grief. I hope that happens for you, too. I'll be thinking of you.

Hello Friends,

I haven't been on in awhile. So many of you are new on this site. I lost my mom Nancy June 26, 2011. Still feeling the emptiness every single day. It never leaves you. You just adjust to it in different ways. I agree with you that the fall begins the sadness of living through and experiencing the holidays without them physically here. I only celebrate Halloween now. Thanksgiving I go and serve at a food pantry and Christmas I do not decorate or do that whole fun thing. Mom and I share Dec 19th as our birthday. I understand how you all fell. Sue

To everybody,

I also am going through the same feelings with the holidays coming around. This will be my first anything without my beautiful precious mother. I am deeply dreading the thought of all the fall/winter festivities. Halloween I can deal with because we did not do much on halloween. Thanksgiving, christmas, NYE and my birthday fall right after one another. The day that I am really hating to see is my 27th birthday. My mom called me every year on my birthday and we did something every year. Last year when she was ill and in the hospital, I was actually on my way to see her for my birthday and I was on the highway and she callled and sang happy birthday to me and then she started to cry. I immediately pulled over on the highway because I preceeded to cry to but then I asked her why are you crying and she said becase this is the last time I will get to say it to you. And I told her no it won't and then I told her that I will see her in a few minutes because I was on my way and you could hear the smile in her voice. But when she got off of that phone I literally broke down to the point that I started to shake uncontrollably because i knew that was the harsh reality. So I hope everyone on here finds some type of comfort and coping mechanism to get through this time of the year because if I had control I would have remote to fastforward through all this sadness!

Signed,

Adult only child and Orphan!

I am 51 years old, started going to church when I was in my mothers womb, was raised listening to Bible readings and have read the Bible many times and yet today I had an epiphany about Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted."  I could not fathom what this meant and debated it's truths. I knew one side of the coin was that Jesus would be there to comfort us in our time of need, but I also realized that it also means that if we truly mourn someone then we must have known true love from that individual and were blessed to know them and should take comfort that we were blessed to have that individual in our life.  I mourn my mother's passing, yet I know in my heart that I was so...very lucky to have her in my life for 51 years, that she loved me with all her heart and unconditionally, and that I will see her again but for now I must be happy with my memories, with holding her in my heart, and be comforted knowing she was the best mom I could ever have!

Nice comments Mary.  My condolences.

Thank you Judy, I really appreciate that!! I've been experiencing gratitude and grief at the same time, if that makes sense..I'm very thankful for the 22 years I had with her and everything that she taught me but at the same time, the missing her is overwhelming.

Hi everyone. I don't visit this site often these days since my computer time is limited except for work. Mary, I love your wonderful comments. And I will second this thought; the holidays are the worst. Worse of all, this weather really gets me down. These days; I live only to take care of my little girl, Michelle. If not for her, this world seems like a brutal place. I know we can all find something to keep us going.

Moms are special people.  all of our Moms were special.  we all miss our moms and feel the same emptiness without her.  God bless our Moms and the moms of everyone.

After finding this group, I decided to join. I'm 27 years old, and my mom died a month ago, and I've just been picking up the pieces and dealing with nonstop drama, all the while trying to find a job (Social Media gets a little too competitive for my tastes) and make sure all the house stuff is in order. It's finally set in that I'll never be able to talk to mom again, or hold her hand, or watch TV with her, and  it's hurting the hell out of me. I have family and friends...but they just can't seem to plug the hole mom's death left in my heart. 

Dear James,

My condolences.  I lost my mom three weeks ago and i know how you feel.  I am still realizing what an amazing woman my mom was, and even more now than ever I'm missing her.

James, I'm so sorry for your loss.  This group will help you through some of those hardest times, we all have lost our moms and can relate and we've all gone through or are going through those same emotions.  I did not believe anyone when they told me it gets some better, I could not see that as a possibility, but the intensity of the grief has decreased some (my mom passed in March of this year), but the hole will always be there.

Thanks Mary, Michael. It is hard. For me, my mom was someone who was there for me for 27 years. Granted most of the problems I'm dealing with now are the same as when mom was alive...but now they seem worse. The hole will always be there. I just hope I can patch over it eventually. 

Hi james, sorry that u2 have lost ur mum.I lost my mum suddenly nearly 4 weeks ago. I am finding it's getting harder as each day passes. Like you i hope that it wiull get easier but at the moement it feels as if it nevrr will.

dear robin, my condolences.  breaking down and crying is natural and your dad shouldn't tell you that.  I recommend therapy, and if you have insurance, it might be covered, mine is.  therapy has helped me the most.  I lost my wife of one year, three years ago, and I just lost my Mom three weeks ago.  Therapy is really helping a lot.  cry if you need to.  we don't have our moms to comfort us like we used to.

I'm with you too Lynn. I lost my mom about a month ago, and it feels like someone put a knife in my heard and cut a chunk out. Just surround yourself with friends and family, and consider therapy as an option too. And give yourself time to grieve...but keeping busy will help too. 

My Birthday was yesterday, I made it through ok..it still hurt like crazy! I don't consider myself a selfish person but on my Birthday's, my mom made it all about me. Yesterday, I had to listen to my family, try to make me feel bad because I didn't feel like leaving the house..I don't know why they can't understand how I feel, yes life goes on, but let me deal with it my way! I just don't get people!:/ On another note, I received my bear this morning made out of my Mom's scrubs! I absolutely love it, it's a perfect Birthday gift!

dear Jen,

My birthday is coming up.  I'll be 51.  My mon always made us feel special on our birthdays and now i don't know what i'm gonna do.. she won't call to ask me if I want her to make tostadas or enchiladas for my birthday.   she was eighty-one, handicapped and she STILL did so much for her family.  she was amazing and I miss her so much.

My birthday is next month. I have no idea what I'm going to do. Jen, that's a very nice bear. It's amazing what people can do with materials. 

I love the bear Jennifer.  Where did you have it made?  I'd love something like that made from my mothers clothing.

o yeah jen

love the bear.  want to do something with my moms things too.

Michael, she sounds like an amazing woman! Mom's never give up, even when they have problems, they put their families first!

Michael and Mary, I got the bear through www.holdingmemories.com She is based out of Georgia, and she did an amazing job!

I'm new here. I lost my mom on July 22, 2012 suddenly.  My daughter and I had gone back home to visit her for about three and half weeks. She then flew back to our home to visit with us for two and a half weeks.  On the day she returned home, she had to be taken to the hospital.  She was admitted to the critical care unit.  I received a call about 4am the next morning asking for family to come to the hospital because she had coded and they had been able to bring her back.  I instantly freaked out because I couldn't fathom what I had just heard.  Secondly, I was so far away because my mom was on the east coast and I lived on the west coast.  I did make my way back home but it was too late she had already passed.  I couldn't believe it.  Gone was my best friend who I talked to at least four times a day or more.  I was her only child.  At the time I was 32 weeks pregnant with my second child and my husband was deployed.

I am so angry.  I want her back so badly.  I've never wanted something so much.  I break down on beautiful sunny days because my mom is not here to see it.  I break down on gloomy days because I can not call and talk to her.  She was my everything.  There was nothing she wouldn't do for me or her only grandchild.  I can't even imagine how I'm going to get through the holidays without her.  It's so unfair.  I just want her back!

Dear Kisha,

My Condolences.  I also feel the way you do.  i am having difficult days everyday with out Mom.  She was amazing.  I can't believe I wont hear her voice or kiss her cheek and tell i love her.  I won't talk to her on my birthday or christmas or her birthday or... I miss her so much i cry all the time when I think about her.

Dear kisha

I feel exactly the same. I cry when it's sunny coz i know she's not here to enjoy it. I cry On rainy days like today coz i just miss her being around. She lived with me so the void is huge and can't be filled by anone or anything bot mum. I used to love seeing my 6 year old niece but today seeing her made me think fo mum and i had to stop myself from crying as mum loved my niece so much. It's also my bday next month, then xmas, then my niece's bday. I just can't see a future beyond this awful pain. If only i could have had her a few more years, i wasn'rt ready for her to go b4 her tiem. She should be still here. Seems so unfair. P.S. Hugs to you all on this group, reading your comments is so comforting to me. Love to everyone on here. xx

I am so sorry for your loss Kisha, not really anything anyone can say to make it any better or make the pain go away, that has to happen over time and it takes time.  I lost my mom March 21, 2012 and I've had some good days, some so so days and some very bad days.  Yes it has gotten some easier, but the pain is not gone.  I will say that this group has been for me cathartic.  I can come on here and write what I am feeling and know that everyone on here has been through or will go through pretty much the same thing and will not be sugar coating things, but telling me it is all part of it.  Get on the chat if you need to, I have met some wonderful folks on here and chatting with them helps too.  Again, my condolences.  I wish there was a way to just give folks hugs on here!

Kisha,

My deepest condolences to you and your family. From looking at your picture I see that you are pretty young, like myself I am probably the same age as you. I lost my mom March 17, 2012, which is also sainnt patricks day. Unlike you I was at my mothers side when she took her last breath. So I dont know which one is worse to be there and watch it happen or to not be there. I myself am an only child and she was the best mother and friend that I ever had. This feeling I wish on no one, cause like I talked to my mother everyday unless we upset with one another and we were too sturborn to call the other one. Which was rare. But I saw you on here and I thought I would reply and tell you that I am here if you need to talk.

kisha

I have been away from the site of late, have been catching up today reading all of your posts, my heart goes out to each of you, I lost my mom on August 30 2012, i feel so alone and empty inside, nights are the worst and being alone does not help, have no family anywhere close, i do have a few great friends who help the best they can, but they have lives and families so i do not get to visit with them as often as i would like. i just watched the funeral dvd provided to me by the funeral home, and of all the people there 3 of my oldest and dearest friends got up to speak about and remember my mom, some of these friends go back to childhood and others back to my college days, they spoke of my mom as being like a second mother to them, our house was the one all the kids gathered at because my mom would give them things she baked (her hobby) she would throw birthday parties for any of the kids even if they already had one at home.

One of my college friends called my mom her college mom, she was here at college a long way from her home and my mom like she always did took her in as her own.

Like most of you i am not really looking forward to this time of year, with all the holidays coming up and my birthday in December, i have no clue what i will do as yet.

I wish all of you the very best, try to stay busy, i find that helps more than anything.

Dear Brad,

My condolences,  You mom and my mom had a lot in common, a big big heart.

I've been gone a while, too, Brad. I went up to be with my father for a few days so we could be together on Oct. 19th, my mother's birthday. He didn't want to do anything special; I think he can't bear to bring her into his consciousness if he doesn't have to. The pain is too great. Anyway, I do understand about your home being the place where all of your friends went. My mother made our house "the party house," where both my parents' friends and my friends would always gather.

I have been bawling a lot lately. There are so many different ways that I miss my mother. Sounds like most of us are having trouble, and so many of us are only children. I am so grateful for this board -- even though I am very confused by it! When first I came here, it was a message board; now I'm not sure what it is. If you go back just one page, you are taken to an entirely different year. ???  I can't ever keep up.

Brad, I completely agree. Staying busy really helps keep the pain away, albeit temporarily. You want to feel the pain...it helps it go away sooner. 

My first speaking gig was tonight, and I did really well. On the way home, I knew mom would be proud of me, so I started tearing up on the road (NEVER a good idea...) but then I felt something...like a hand on my shoulder, but not really. It kept me from crying. I think my mom was present in the car with me...happy, and comforting me at the same time. It made me smile, whatever it did. Look around the world sometime...perhaps your moms are trying to tell you something. :) 

Dear James and everyone,

Our Moms are always with us.  I'm loving my mom more and more as I miss her more and more everyday.

Hi everyone. I still find it too hard to think about mum at all. If i think of her i start getting a panicky feeling and wail and sobb like hell. Tonight i had a very good cry when i went into the living room (where my mum had her fatal heart attack and died). My dad came with me as i have been freaking out going there on my own. It was sooo sad. My dad is not very supportive, all i wanted was for him to come and hug me as i was sobbing, but i guess he finds it too painful. Everytime i cry or want to talk about mum's death he walks away. He's probably feeling too raw to handle it. thanx for bieng here all you lovely epople, it's such comfort to read the comments and i feel so sad and empathic with all of you. Love and hugs to you all x

Dr Simin,

My condolences,

Your Dad his way of dealing.  My dad also.  I am very emotional when I think about Mom.  My dad is a man of few word, not a talker.  So I don't turn to him and talk to him about Mom.  But I have caught him crying, so i know he is dealing with it in his way.

much Love,

Mike

I think our dads really struggle a lot more than we know. My dad is the "strong, silent" type, too, so I can't push him to be available for me when I'm in pain, and I can't make him talk about Mother because he would just fall apart. I think you're right, Michael. They deal with it in their own way. We have to find other sources of support and keep hugging our dads even if they can't hug us back.

I feel so badly for you, Simin. I'm sure you're going to freak out every time you try to go into that room. I don't know of anyone who could go through what you've been through and not feel like going nuts. I'm so glad you are hanging out with us. The people here are so gentle and kind, and they "get" it.

Thank you both Judy and Michael. I know my dad's very badly hurt but i've always had issues with being close to my dad, and now with mum gone i feel  we're drifting aprat even more. It's a terrible thing to say but if i had to chose i would have preffererd dad to be gone and mum to be here and as my dad is 8 years older than mum was i think it's so unfair that she had to go first. It's all a mess in my head. My feelings are all over the place and it's very confusing.

Yes Judy it's so hard to stay here whre my mum lived as there are so amny memories of her here and it just feels empty and deadly quiet without her here. I would like to move but that's easier said than done as prices here in London are so high it will be a big financial drain for me to move.

Sorry about all the typos but am so ill and tired i can barely type. Love to all xx

Dear Dr Simin,

I've never been close to my Dad.  He is a man of few words.  Mom's illness brought my Dad and I closer while caring for mom.  Now mom is gone and I'm here with Dad and now I see him completely differently than I have my whole life.  He's the greatest man in the world and now I am fortunate to have this time to get closer to him.  he's 85 now and he's really sad without Mom, as we all are.

Love and blessings,

Mike

Sometimes the loss of one parent will bring us closer to the remaining parent, as it has for Michael and for me, too. I'm very grateful for the time I have with him now. But that's not always true. I think you're in a rough place, Simin -- your own health issues & a distant dad who's not a man you've ever even felt close to. Everyone's path is so different, but the one thing that unites us all is that we are all in pain. Even at my mother's age, her death was totally unexpected and came two weeks to the day after I'd had to euthanize my beloved dog. There's just no way through all of this without the heart being broken open. For Simin & Michael, the wound is still so raw. My mother died in May, so I've had a little while to muddle through a few months of the journey. Now all of the anniversaries are popping up, and the grief comes again in tsunamis.

I don't know what you can do about your living situation, Simin. Likely, you'll have to stay put for a while. I've heard that one should never make any major decisions duing the first year after a major loss, and I think there is wisdom in that. It seems terribly cruel that you have to be there where everything reminds you of your mother, but maybe if you're there with her memories, you will be able to work through some of your sorrow more quickly? I think it will be so painful, so constant, with little relief. But to be around her things is, in a way, to be around her. I think you'll be surprised to find out that you're stronger than you think you are.

I haven't been on for a while, so I'm going to just look at the last few messages as there is no way to catch up.  Simin - I can related to your story.  My dad had PTSD and was severely handicapped, so it took all he had to keep his family supported.  He worked such long hours and then was in so much pain when he got off work.  I always loved him and was always closest to him of any of the kids, but we were never close like me and my Mom were.  My mom was my best friend - we shopped together, heck, we did everything together.  Then, my Mom died and my dad was left, and I saw then how much he loved her.  All that work on handicapped legs had been for her and for us.  It was how he showed up he loved us.  He was so devastated by her death that he had a heart attack.  He survived that but his health steadily declined until he died a while later.  The whole time he lived he grieved so bad.  I started taking care of him.  His health was failing, so he was no longer working.  We spent every minute together and became best friends.  I built so many cherished memories with him.  And, I realized he was a GREAT guy.  I got so close to him that when he died it just about killed me.  I still grieve.  Last night I was going through the store and saw a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, which he loved.  I started crying right there in the store.  Cherish this time with your dad and enjoy the great guy he is now that you and he are each others total focus.  It will be one of the greatest gifts you ever get in your life.  It is such a great gift.  I cherish every moment I had with my dad.  I love him so much.

My mom died before my dad, but I still grieve for her too.  She was my best friend, and I haven't had a lot of time to really release the grief cuz my dad's heart attack was two weeks to the day after she died.  I was so busy being a caregiver after that and helping him with his grief that I never really worked out my own grief.  I have these dreams a lot where I'm following her around begging her to take her medicine and she is telling me she does not need it as she is not sick.  I take her to the doctor in the dreams and he tells me she has no cancer.  I spent my whole time in the dream being shocked and amazed and joyous that she has no cancer and she is still alive.  Well, last week I had a dream similar to that - it was like I'd been with her all night.  I woke up that morning so excited that she and I were going to go shopping on Saturday.  And, it wasn't even a thought.  I'm learning that every person had a feeling and that feeling is around what you share with them.  There was a feeling around me when I spent time with my mom that I don't feel any more.  I woke up with that feeling and was so excited cuz we were going shopping on Saturday.  Then, I realized she was not alive and the feeling went away, and I just started crying.  It's Saturday, and she is not here to go shopping with me.  These dreams are not normal dreams.  Maybe I am spending time with her when I'm asleep.  I miss her so much.

Hi everyone. Storyas thanx for ur comoforting comment. I have just woken up (its 8.15 a.m. here in London). I had a dream about mum, i dreamt that she was fine and healthy and talking to me, in my dream i was thinking thank god that she survived here heart attack and i felt very happy for a while during the dream and just after waking up.  Then within a minute of waking, i remembered that mum hadn't survived and i had a feeling of immense panic. Now i'm crying and almost wishing i was dead and could join mum. Right now nothing in the world matters to me other than having mum back. I feel so wretched and soooo sad, i want this feeling to stop. I honestly think that i would be betteer off dead, but i know that i can't do anything that would hurt my family. I have to keep going for them, but it's so hard. I miss mum so much i feel i will never get over this or feel anything other than this immense sadness inside me. Thank you all for being there.