Today is my mom's birthday.  This time last year, we had a big celebration because she turned 70 that day and knowing this would very well be her last since she decided not to continue with any treatments.  Over 20 guests showed up.  She was talking to her friends, walking from room to room without any difficulties and cutting the cake. Several people who didn't know her well but attended the party didn't even realize she was sick.  Little did we know she was gone in 6 months.

People kept telling me that she is in a better place.  I would feel much better if only she could tell me that. 

Elaine i will do.

I know how you feel.When mo mom was diagnosed with cancer.I just totally lost it,I wouldn't eat,I wouldn't sleep,play my guitar,I just curled up on a bed every day and night,crying myself to sleep. I couldn't work anymore,and I was diagnosed with General anxiety disorder,and Major depression,and ended up on disability because I could not function at all.Just like you,Mom was in the hospital for 8 months before she passed.And I was married at the time,and my ex and I had three kids,and could'n make there every day.I felt so guilty,which added to my depression.Anyway,hope you feel better tomorrow,and remember,your in good company.:(

This will be my first Valentine's Day without my mother. We used to give eachother a gift and go out for dinner. Occasions and holidays were all special. Now it just seems like a day is a day. How do I go on the rest of my life feeling this way. I don't think it will ever get better. I miss my mother so much. Sometimes, i still can't believe she is never coming home.

Marlene...nothing will be the same again,but it does get better.I have really studied the after life,and that made a big difference in my life.I am absolutely positive,with ,with no doubts whatsoever,that we will ALL be together again!:)

I went to the store today to get a card for my boyfriend. It seemed like the only cards I could find were either to a daughter from a mom or for a Mom from a daughter. This is the second time this has happened to me. I just can't seem to get out of there fast enough. I hate making a spectacle in public. I did read one card from a Mom, it was speaking to me. I like to think that if my Mom were still here that's exactly the card she would have gotten me this year. Cards were a big deal with us. Every holiday we would see who could make each other cry more. :) I think she won this year.

Hello my friends,

Valentines Day...another sad occassion without our loved ones. Mom and I always were each others Valentines - since my divorce just haven't had one other than Mom!

I agree with Bob Naples....please learn all you can about the next journey. It will give you peace. I feel so alone today! All of the girls in the office going out for lunch when their boyfriends. I am happy for them. I will be happiest when I am reunited with my mommy in the next world. Love to all Sue

I just started to feel the pain,and suddenly,I'm very sad and weeping.I just miss every one more than you ever imagine,right now I'm sick to my stomach.I lost my 2 favorite ladies in my life, mt mom and my ex-wifeAnd even though I know where they are,i still feel the hurt every holiday.I'm just feeling very sad,Can't wright any more.

I just cried and cried all day. I took my dad out for lunch, he breaks my heart when he says how he misses my mom. If it was so bad on Valentine's Day, what am I going to do on Mother's Day? The pain seems to get worse instead of better. Feeling more and more hopeless. I miss my mother so much.

I had a rough day also!And you don't have to go through this alone.We are all here to comfort one another,and that is priceless.

I just feel so damn alone.

Please go to Victor Zammitt's page,This will give you the comfort that you need.:)

Hugs to you Sarah, I say the same thing to myself. How do I go on living in theis world without my mom? Yet, Each day i find the strength and do my best. Hang in there, it is so hard.

I miss mom so much, its two steps forward, three steps back. I feel like am crazy, I don't know if the days am doing well are just days I'm in denial or is it for real that I'm doing well? I had promised myself not to share my grief with friends anymore but this morning I sent out a disturbing text message and now they all think I'll do something to harm myself. I hate feeling so weak and needy, I wish I was stronger.

It is funny that you posted that. I did have a decent weekend and i was wondering how I did that. Then a few days later it is back to the crazy thought s again. I guess wer aren't crazy, just missing our moms.

My Grandmother on my mom's side died on March 18 too. My mother always hated that month no matter how many years had passed.

Hi Mercy, Sarah, and anyone else feeling "crazy":

Mercy wrote:   I don't know if the days am doing well are just days I'm in denial or is it for real that I'm doing well? ...  I hate feeling so weak and needy, I wish I was stronger.

It was 8 months ago yesterday that I lost my mom--and I have experienced the ups, downs, feelings of weakness and denial.  My mom's passing came at a time when I was entering menopause so it's difficult to know what was triggered my mood swings.  Having to accept that I was not going to have children myself  and losing my mom at the same time was difficult.   I would neither be a mother, nor  have my mother.  I lost one of my best friends.  My older sister has made some attempts to "take Mom's place" however our relationship has never been as "friendly" as that of my mom and me.

I have come to realize that I'm redefining myself.   And even though at times, I do feel lost, confused, abandoned, etc., I realize that I am a strong individual.  My loss along with the other significant losses of my life (and I've had my share) have helped to make more compassionate towards others.  The times of loss and confusion come in occasional waves but are not constant.  Some days are better than others.   And, of course, I believe I will see Mom again.

Hope this helps,

Kris

Thanks ladies for your responses. Its so good to know I can come here and get my feelings validated. I hate to burden my family and friends with my grief, but then again, I don't want them to assume am ok so every once in a while, I'll remind them how I feel, only to regret it later. This crazy feeling is not something I ever anticipated. How can I hate life so much when I have a sweet two year old who needs me to be around for her?

Kris, being the youngest, my oldest sister is also trying to take moms place. She means well and cares for me so much but by no means can she ever take moms place. She even wants my to go live in her guest house so I can be geographically closer to her. I'm very independent so I could never take her up on that offer.

Mercy,

I understand exactly what you are saying. I find very little joy in life anymore. Just work, work, work and go home and have a cocktail and go to bed. I feel just so alone and want my mother back so very much. My purpose has changed from being moms girl to being just Sue. Dating is just a place I don't go. Why deal the drama all of that brings. I know it is hard with a child to go on and live. But you have got to figure out how. Just as your mother and you had a blessed and loving relationship, you child deserves the same from you. Every day we live brings us closer to the day we will be granted death. How sad that is when so many people are clinging to life that want to live...and I feel so much like wanting to exit this world. Sue

Thats very kind of you Sue. Its always nice to come here and vent and evern nicer when I receive such encouragement from people who really care and understand. My purpose now is my daughter. I'll try everyday and be strong for her, she has seen me sad for so long.

I have had some decent days this week. I almost feel guilty about it, although, i know my mother would want me to be happy again. I had feelings many days that i did not want to go on living without my mother in this world. Valentine's Day was devastating. I have also been receiving some wonderful support from a few great friends. At times, it is scary that i want to try to rebuild my life. i also lost my job in June. I also know the depression comes in waves. Good days, will be followed by bad days. Mercy, Hang in there for your daughter, now, you mean to her what your mother meant to you.

Thanks you Marlene. I'm sorry about the job loss, it just makes it that much harder for you. Yes, my baby was a great comfort following my moms death, she was 18 months at that time and would sit by me for hours, patting my back, telling me am sorry, hugging me,  just being there for me. Lately she's been telling me, momma you're my best friend, its so very touching and when I think I don't want to be here anymore, I remember how much she needs me. That keeps me going. I know for a long time I was trying to figure out how I can end my life and hers, now I cannot imagine doing that to her, or my family.

I am so glad to hear that Mercy. You and your child deserve to live your life. Your mother would want this for you. I have to admit, I also was thinking of how I did not want to live anymore. It is so painful to be in a world without my mother. Then there are days that I feel it is worth a tyr. I think I do want to live and I am just scared.

Hello,

I am reading your postings and you all sound like I feel. The days just keep passing and I just feel so alone most of the time. I get home from work, have a few glasses of wine and go to bed. I am starting to get depressed again. I'm on an antidepressent. But sometimes even that can't stop the saddness. The loneliness, the emptiness is just unbearable at times. I miss my mom so much.

Elaine,

I watched my mom suffer horribly! I will never forget it.

Like I said, I had some good days this past week. I feel the depression coming back. Missing my mom terrible. Not that i stopped, it was just a little better. But, now, on these nice days, i am starting to think of all of the places we liked to go together. I guess life will always be hard without my mom.

Cancer is the devil in disguise. Chemo made my mom so miserable, I wished I would have taken her place and pain many times over. She was always so sweet and thoughful of everyone else, even to her last day on earth. My heart will forever be broken.Our sweet moms didn't deserve this horrible death. Sometimes my anger at this disease surpasses my grief!

Elaine, I hear you, and its too late for our moms. Every time I hear a story about these advances; I change channels. I'm just sick with grief and will never be ok until I see mom again.

Today was a step back for me. Just a sad lonely Sunday even though i did not spend the whole day alone. I guess it is also 11 weeks tonight since my mom left my house and I brought her to the ER.

It seems to be getting worse again. I just can't imagine doing something new without having my mother to share it with. I would go forward, if only I knew what I was going towards.

@Marlene I think the same thing. When my Mom got sick I was blessed to have a boyfriend that was able to support me, emotionally and financially, so I quit work to travel back home to help care for her. It was a lot of back and forth for about a year and now that she's gone, I can't fathom starting a new job. Or Moving forward into the unknown without her guidance. It's been 8 months since she left me and I still feel as lost in this life as the day she left. I hope this gets easier for us all.

friends, Its a wound that can never heal. I miss mom so much, its been eight months for me but it feels like a lifetime since I heard her voice. Somehow on the days leading to the anniversary of her death, the 29th, I get very emotional. Even if I don't look at the calender, I just somehow get into a very depressed mood. Last night I cried so much, wondering how I'm going to keep living this nighmare. I always question why I'm still on this earth. There are so many people who have so much to live for and who love life but are taken way too soon. I wish I could take their place. I don't want to be here anymore.

Hi all,

Just thought I would check in, Been having a tough time approaching April it will be a yr, Since mom passed seems like forever at times. I miss her more each day, The pain has not eased, But I will still keep moving forward, slowly, I think of my mom everyday sometimes  I smile sometimes I cry. I dream about her alot. I embrace these dreams because I get to see and hear her still, I am thankful for my life and my blessings. I will see my mom when it's my time but I'm enjoying my life with my husband and my children until that day. I miss and love you mom

My loneliness seems to get worse each day for my mother. i had a good week  about 9 days ago and felt guilty. I tjought there might be hope for me. I guess not. Maybe i don't want any hope without my mother.

Barbara; am glad that you found this support group. I feel that I can come here and talk about what I’m feeling without being judged or looking crazy. I can’t find words that are adequate enough to bring you any comfort but I want you to know I’m sorry and understand your pain.. Losing a mom has to be one of the most painful experience humans have to go through. I’ve lost three brothers, my dad and now mom but I have to tell you, her loss has hit me the hardest. When she died, our home died too. All of us are grown and on our own so moms house is now empty except for the few times we have family meetings. The thought of our once full, warm and happy home sitting empty is almost more than I can take sometimes. The last few days, I’ve felt like I’ll get a nervous breakdown. It’s all too much; I love my daughter and at the moment she’s the only reason why I’m here otherwise the world is dead to me

Hello Friends,

I just feel alone and sad. Last night I had such a sweet dream with me, mother and grandma together. It was so fun to be with them again. Thank God for dreams that make you feel loved and not alone. I miss what use to be. My family no longer exists since mother passed to the next world. It's just me all by myself in this world. I wish I knew why I am still here. So many people die that are needed by their children, their husbands...their wives, No one needs me. No one would miss me. That sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself...but it is true. When my mother passed, my heart broke. I am different. What to do today to get through another lonely Sunday. I know you all feel just as I do. I mourn mom and the horrible way my 3 sisters treated me afterwards just broke my heart. Greedy and cold hearted they were. I am so alone.

in two days is my mom's birthday she would be 81, i will put flowers on her grave...i love her so much and hope she is at peace...your support is much wanted during this hard time...thank you

Sue, you are not feeling sorry for yourself. You are just expressing what each of us feels. My daughter is now much closer to her dad, maybe my sadness is pushing her away. I don't feel like she needs me as much, which has been my prayer for a long time. If God takes me home, she will be ok, I've worked hard all my life so that if I have a natural death, my insurance and assets will take care of her for a long time. She's the one reason I feel like I have to be on this earth, if she's ok, I'll die happy. I have brothers and sisters but they are all grown with their own lives, they would be ok and move on just fine without me.

Hi Rachel, what an honor to be able to do this for your mom. Are you an only child? I pray that God grant you strength and grace in the coming days.

thanks mercy my friend.....i have a sister but she is pretty much worthless...yes its an honor but going to be a hard day

ohhhhh sweetie thank you.....her birthday is this tuesday march 6, and she would have been 81.....her first name is Nancy....please do that for me it would mean so much my dear dear friend....love you....write me

thank you to all....i love her so much still

Tomorrow is one month since she passed. Only by God do i get out of bed to face the day. So many regrets or guilt. I wish she were here to share my joy or hold her grandson. When i pick up the phone to call her it sets in, other days it doesn't seem real. I spent the first two weeks a drunken mess and the last two weeks cleaning it up. I don't know how to do this some days. And it seems like it makes others uncomfortable when I mention it.

Tammy; am so very sorry for your loss. Everything you are feleing is normal. I've gone through so many stages of grief, sometimes when I think am doing well, I get right back to feeling the same way I did when she left this world. I'm now dealing with severe depression. I hate life but am still around so there must be a reason why I'm here.