Throughout my Mum's illness I strived to work hard towards my degree, because I knew she wanted me to, I wanted to make her proud. She passed away last April and I continued putting my all into essays and exams. Now I only have a few months left and I feel so unmotivated. My Mum was my rock, my guidance! Without her I can't cope with all this stress of my degree and my job. I have 2000 words to write by tonight and a fuse just blew in the house. I'm alone, crying, in the dark, missing my Mum sooooooo much, and really willing to just give up :(

Lisa, yes a good idea to go to the Dr. You are under lots of stress and need to take care of this. My Dr. gave me some mild sedatives that are helping when I think I'm having a heart attack or having a panic attack.  

Elaine, I know what you mean. Everything is a chore now, even breathing. Sometimes I feel like I'm holding my breath, sometimes just taking shallow breaths. I have to do it for my little girl. I have to go on living, even when I just want to die.

God Bless.

I don't want to die! nor have I ever. I wish my mom was still with me! With all my heart but I do not wish to die. I have panic and Anxiety b4 my mother passed for yrs but it used to be really bad but it's pretty mild unless I'm stressed. I had the worse panic attack this morning that I have ever had and after I just cried. Because it made it that much clearer my mom was gone. But my husband held me while I cried, I needed that. I try with all my might to hide my feelings. My hubby mourns for my mother too. But sometimes I feel like I will explode from holding back the tears. I miss her so much :( I have to watch what I say around others too. I'm not as afraid of death like I once was. it's a part of life. But I hope to live many more yrs my children need me and I need them. And my husband. My tears mostly are tears of missing her now. but it's been 9 months. I look for signs daily from her and have not had any since the earring. 

You're absolutely right.Lisa.just because they went to Heaven before us does not mean that they forget us.I see signs around my apartment 2-3 times a week.Keep an open mind,pay attention,anything that strikes you as peculiar,it could be your mom trying to get your attention!Hugs!

Elaine, am so sorry that we have to live with this kind of pain. Its so hard dear, as I said, we are all here for you. I hate life as it is now but I have a daughter to live for. Hugs to you my friend.

I am grateful for all of you especially for sharing your grief.  Life is hard and it doesn't get easier but a social network such as this is so empowering and moving that I have found it easier to accept the passing of my mom, my best friend.  I pray this community lives on for others.  I am by no means
"healed," but this community gets a big "wow" from me.  I am blessed to have been led to this group. Peace to us all.  Kevin.

Elaine, I'm positive I don't have to tell you this but, crying is so healing and such a release that I make myself cry.  Not because I'm nuts or because I enjoy it but because I find it sooooo healing to my soul and so cleansing.  I'm fortunate to have an office with a door to close but if I didn't I'd find a spot just for me and my feelings.  

im having more than a hard time....it was thought i had a heart attack the other night, turned out not to be the case, but im in a mental state thats not healthy, probably by medication....yesterday i was fine....im worried, and trying to make it thru with god's help and the love of you people....please pray for me....i need  alot of that....i miss my mom too and wish she was here but this would break her heart....so im actually glad that she cant see this....i hope things improve....i really do....there has to be some hope and light at the end of the tunnel

What I am missing the most is that unconditional love a parent has for a child.  There is no other love like that.  I miss my mom and dad so much.  And nobody understands how I feel.  I am an orphan, at 26.  I have no anchor and must go through life alone :(

Nicole, I sometimes feel the same way. My Dad died when I was a baby and my Mom passed in June 2011. I feel so disconnected sometimes. Especially when I retell a story my Mom use to tell, and I can't remember all the details she told with it, and I realize that I can't call her and ask her. I feel blessed that I still have my maternal Grandmother here with me who has always acted like a second mother to me. It's not the same bond I had with my own mother, but it's close. 

Wishing comfort for us all.

Hi guys,

Thought I was coping a bit better last night. But woke up at 5am sat up in bed, screaming my head off (I know, I sound crazy right?) When I woke up I was completely shaking and sweaty, petrified. I can't remember if I was having nightmares, but I was (as usual) remembering awful moments in my Mum's last few months. I try and switch it off before I sleep but can't seem to clear my mind. I think the screaming was my body's way of telling me I can't cope any more :/

Thanks Elaine, I just can't stop crying today. I need to get ready for work and I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the day :( Just when I think I'm getting stronger I take 5 steps back and feel worse than I have done in months. My boyfriend wants me to see a doctor now because he's worried I'm going to have some kind of nervous breakdown. But I don't know how I feel about that :( I just want to feel in control of my emotions and I'm scared of losing him too with all my constant mood swings and nerves.

I’ve always loved older people and they love me; in fact, when I was in graduate school, I worked with older people in special facilities. Now am in my field of study and I meet all kinds of folks. This morning, I was helping a 93 year old man on the computer. This man is healthy, walks straight, has good hearing and knows his way around the computer. I couldn’t help asking God why He took away my 71 year old mother. I used to enjoy being around older people but now it’s just depressing. I also wanted to work in healthcare but cannot stand being around sick people anymore! I’ve heard of parents who have lost kids and cannot stand being around kids who are the same age as their departed. I hope am normal and not being dramatic

I feel the same way when my boyfriend talks to his Mom on the phone. She came to visit us last weekend. I feel bad that sometimes I just can't stand to look at her because she reminds me so much of my Mom. He doesn't call and talk to her enough and I get so jealous that I just want to scream at him, because if my Mom was still here I'd talk to her all the time. *Sigh* Always glad to not feel so crazy and alone in this.

Big hug Cindy, I think we can all relate on this one! I've never been so jealous or emotional about mother/child relationships before.

being a mother myself of 3 young children. I hope when it's my time to go. They do not hurt as much as I do for my mother. Hopefully they are older for one. I too get jealous of other people who still have their mother's. My hubby has his but he lost his father when he was 17. We also lost 3 more family members this month. when will it stop. geez give us a break already

I also feel jealous of other people who still have their parents.  I lost both my parents within a period of 9 months.  What makes me sad is when some people just send their parents to old aged homes and never visit them.  Don't they realise they too will get old?  I had to make very important decisions affecting my career over the past month and I cried so much because I wished I could have asked my parents their advice to help me with my decisions.  Parents also give their children unconditional love, which is what I feel I have lost.

Big hugs Nicole. My father is still alive, but I'm afraid we don't have a good relationship and I also feel like I've lost all the unconditional love in my life, it was strange but I felt parentless when my Mum died even though my Dad is still here in this world.

I'm sure whatever your decisions were regarding your career your parents are so proud of you, and I'm sure their unconditional love hasn't gone, you will be eternally loved by them.

Morning all...haven't been on here in awhile but enjoy reading the posts.  I have been attending grief counseling and while she doesn't say MUCH, the fact that she listens to me and makes me feel like I am NOT going completely crazy, is what really helps.  My father has decided to exhume my mother's body and place her in a cemetery that is closer to his home so he can visit her more often.  While I understand his reasoning, it's hard for me to visualize them removing her while she is resting and at peace.  This set me off for a bad day yesterday of CONSTANTLY having visions of her last days in the hospital, blowing me kisses, unable to breathe properly....this woman who was so vibrant and full of energy her whole life, was slowly being taken down by this awful disease.  While I know that time heals all pain, this large hole in my heart will never be replaced. 

Elaine, I know what you mean. It's been 7 months since my mom died, and in some ways the worst part is the way everything just continues. Bills, school, family stuff, friends... Life continues, even when you wish it wouldn't. Even when it seems impossible that it could. I always thought this was the one thing I couldn't survive-- that I wouldn't be strong enough to survive losing her. But here I am. Here we all are. Lucky us, huh?

Hi Guys...it's been nearly 7 months for me too...yesterday was her birthday...she would have been 82 years old.  I know she is happily in heaven with her parents and my father, but I miss her so much, it's as if she's JUST died and I can't get enough air in my lungs to breathe.  Yesterday was REALLY hard and I spent most of the day crying and wondering around in a fog.  Grieving is SO hard...this is much harder than my two divorces were!  I feel like I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life...I spent the last 16 years caring for her...

The world just continues to spin and here we all sit hurting like there's no tomorrow...very, VERY sad...

Jessica

Chesapeake, VA

Hi Karen:

I am so sorry to read of the loss of your Mom. For me, it's been 7 months and the sense of intense grief has lessened.  At first, I felt as if I'd been sucker punched and then had my heart ripped out.  Then the numbness came---as if I was going through the motions in a fog.

My mom's funeral and burial was delayed for 5 weeks to allow my younger sister and her family to come from overseas.   I can't tell you if it would be easier to have a funeral sooner than later.  What was helpful for my family was thinking about what Mom would have wanted.

My suggestion for you would be to call on a good friend or friends to accompany you through planning and decision making.   If they've lost a parent, that can be very helpful.  If you're associated with a church, perhaps some one from the membership can help you.

As a mental health counselor once told me, "You have more than 15 minutes to make that decision."   If someone pushes you to make instantaneous decisions that you're not comfortable with, tell that person you need more time.   

With time, the pain of losing Mom has lessened as a new normal will develop.  Take faith in that and now that you will be seeing your Mom again.

Take care.

Kris

so sorry about your loss, i know how that feels, i reall do....you will be ok and it feels like you cant go on, but she is ok now, just think about that....ok?  easier said than done....we are here for you....rach

I feel the same way as you all. How can life go on when mom isn’t here anymore? I don’t even know how I go on but I do. I don’t have the same zest for life, I push myself to do even the smallest things. My job performance has really suffered and I got a bad review last time. I know my mom would want me to be stronger, I know I have to go on for the sake of my daughter, but it’s just so hard.

our moms would want us to go on and not wallow in their passings....thats why they brought us into this world to enjoy life....my life has been tumultuous lately, but i hang in there cause i know mom wants me to....good luck to everyone that is struggling, its not easy.,...love ya mercy

Hi Rachel, thanks for your encouragement. Its good sometimes to be reminded those little things, like we were brought here to enjoy life. This intense grief can make us forget the meaning of life. I know so many wonderful, healthy people who were taken away in their prime. I question God sometimes; I tell him how much I’ve suffered emotionally with the passing of my family members, I question HIM WHY He didn’t take me home years ago. I guess I still have a purpose in this life; I struggle to find the purpose every day; hopefully one day I will know.

Well this passed week and this week is hard because my mom is not here to wish me a happy birthday and to say i get to give you more love. I have just been crying all the time but i know that she is in a better place and she is not hurting like she was before she died. My daugther asked me today why did her granny had to died and i dont know what to say to her and i just cried my eyes out. I just wish that I had some friends to talk to about how Im feeling and stuff.

mercy your young you belong here, lately i have questioned god too, i have been through alot, and wonder why he would let that happen to me....but im regaining my faith, and i want to be here....i have new people in my life that are helping me want to "go on"....its not easy, i hope i have that vitalness of life back again one day,its not easy....i find myself not even thinking of mom, feel bad about that, but maybe thats the way its supposed to be....and she is at peace....and she will always be with me

happy birthday mercy!!! mine was on the 20th

Happy Birthday Lisa!

My birthday was in December, two months after my Mom passed.  Bottom line, it was terrible.  Mom always sent me really sentimental daughter birthday cards, and I in return would always send her a Mothers Day card on my birthday (she did do all of the work, after all)...I've kept all the cards over the years.  Her hand writing was atrocious, but I always looked forward to it and seeing "We love you, Mom and Dad, xoxo"  It nearly killed me to go to the mailbox on my birthday.  But bless my Dads heart, he knew about the cards Mom would send, and decided to send me one that would give me a much needed laugh in spite of it all...

Hi Elaine, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am also exhausted and counting the minutes until the weekend starts. Then, I also can't sleep or rest when the weekend gets here.  I miss my best friend, my mom.  I talk to my mom out loud and go to her room. I don't know if time will help us. For what it is worth, you are with friends on this website. 

I had a better day today than i had all week. But tonight it all hit me again and I start to think, how can i go on like this everyday fighting to get through the day without my mother. We did so much together and i miss it all.

Today, I went to see a show, I thought it would be a good day. I enjoyed the show, but, now i am home and crying. It was the first broadway show without my mom. I sat with my friend, but couldn't help looking at the seat on the other side thinking about my mother. What is the purpose of anything? I come home and have nobody to talk and share my day with. I try to go forward, but, then I don't know what I am going forward to.

Elaine,

I have to disagree that is not true. If older women are invisible then How did we love our mother's so much and they were important in so many peoples lives. If they are invisible?

I don't want to be sad..it's going to be 10 months for me on the 7th, I think my mom would truly be disappointed in me if she knew how sad I was. In this sense I hope she does not. I do not look forward to death in fact I do not want to die. Sure when it's my time. But I hope that time is not for a long time I have so much I want to do still. I want to watch my children get older and be proud of their accomplishments. I want to meet my grand children. I want to grow old and enjoy my senior discounts lol. The point is we need to start enjoying our lives again. Our mothers would want us too. You know we can still missed them and grieve..But it's ok to still live! Much love to you all,

Melissa

Elaine, am so sorry you are hurting so badly. There are numerous times I've felt alone and like I just wanted to give up. I can say that my overwhelming feelings of grief have improved, not gone away but improved. I look at my two year old and I know she needs me, shes the reason why I get out of bed on most days.Mom always wanted me to have a baby and she was so happy when I finally did. I know Michelle saved my life, I would have ended it all if not for her. I hope that you can find a reason to live a full life again. You are not invisible; you are a beautiful, caring human being.

It's been a while since I last posted.  But I read the comments daily.  I miss my Mom every single day.  My sister told me that my 71-year-old Dad started seeing someone who is 17 years younger.  It just kills me.  My Mom died on August 25, 2011, it's not even 6 months yet!  How can people move on so quickly?!  This coming Sunday is going to be Mom's birthday. It's going to be hard.

Just a short note to let you know I've been through all the above,but I know where my mom is,and your mom is happy,living in a. beautiful place,and one day will all be together again,for eternity!:)

She's in heaven(other side) know how you feel,please remember,thanks to my near death experience(Out of body,the light,tunnel,) I think the Lord sent me back,to comfort those who are in need,like yourself!

@Elaine: "Go wash an elephant if you wanna do something big."  = FUNNY!!!!  I was missing my mom terribly today.  your mom's joke lifted me.  :) 

@June.  I can't imagine what you are going through.  my mom's first birthday (without her in this realm) will be coming up and I'm not looking forward to it.  the holidays were enough.  how long does heartache last?  

I had a few days during the week that were actually better than the week before. However, today I went right back to crying and missing my mom. I think part of the reason is that valentine's day is almost here.

hugs