KT - I have always used humor to handle pain of any kind (physical of psychological). I was not with my mom when she passed and when I had to bring clothes and such to the mortuary the next day I INSISTED on seeing her. The undertaker was kind enough to bring her up to a place that I could go say a private goodbye. Afterwards I joked with my brother about how pissed mom would b e because she had just had her hair done and they had it all combed off her face. We laughed until tears ran down our face.

Elaine, I am so sorry about the nursing home and work  situation. We also had to put our mom into a skilled nursing facility that she hated. We would see her after work and sometimes early morning because it is not allowed to take off from our jobs during the days. I do feel like this society places no value on caring for your parents. I've noticed that even if your managers are pretty nice - they will get in trouble for letting you have much time off. I just have to think that our mom's who grew up with hardships understand all of this and knew in the end that we truly loved them. My mom died in the hospital after complications so she never got to go home when she was feeling a little better. Like you, I don't think our society places any values on family and caring for the sick. It would have to start at the top where the head honchos are with their mansions and stocks and diamonds and exotic vacations and new cars every year. Unfortunately these are the very same people that only value the material things they own and look down on the rest of us . Very sad.  

Is anyone else feeling really low and depressed about tomorrow? I always find New Years emotional and sad but this year I just can't wait for this whole "festive" season to be over :(

Elaine, do you have kids? I have a little girl and shes the only reason why I'm in this world. If I knew she would be perfectly ok without me, I would gladly leave this world. I see so many promising young people who love life dying; and wonder why God would not let me take their place. Apart from my little two year old girl, life is just pain and agony without mom or the brother I loved more than life.

I miss my mother so much. I go on about my day. For some reason I have been really emotional so I've been trying to push thoughts out of my mind about my mother at least during the day. But every time my mind drifts to her for even a moment I start crying. I dream about her at night alot. But she's alive and well, when I wake up it's like a kick in the gut. When I realize it was just a dream :( I'm not sure when this pain will go away my mom will be gone 9 months on the 7th. It seems I miss her more and more each day. After a while you can only pretend so long that their not gone. I don't know what I'm supposed to do without her? I miss her too much.

Everyone says "at least she isnt in pain any longer" I swear if I hear that again.  There are a few things that do help me but doesn't make the pain of missing/losing her any less tho is that she went peaceful.  her last day I woke up and went and checked on her, gave her her meds , fixed her breakfast and ate with her, checked her glucose, gave her, her insulin shot and just talked a while.  I went to work came home during lunch fed her checked her glucose and gave her insulin to her, I stayed for 3 hours.  She said she was in pain so I gave her pain meds she seemed confused a little so I stayed a bit talked to her, told her how much i love her and rubbed her hair, told her to rest awhile, we watched "Lovely Bones' while I rubbed her more.  I went back to work, came home fixed dinner and tried to wake her about 6pm but couldn't wake her, i thought she was just drugged out a bit from the morphine i finally woke her and fed her a couple bites.  When she woke her eyes were so big and she couldn't talk.  i gave her a drink and rubbed her and kissed her on her cheek and told her to rest that I would stay right by her side all night.  She closed her eyes .  the next 4 hours what I thought was salivia ended up being fluid coming up from her lungs.  i called hospice at 10pm because her fingers were so cold and I could not wake her at all. me and my girls changed her blouse and cleaned and dried her up, changed her sheets and pillow cases.  We put a towel uder her chin/cheek so she wouldnt all wet again.  the hospice nurse said her heart sounded good, one lung she couldn't hear any air in the lower portion and the other lung was filling up with fluid.  She said at this point its usually 24 to 48 hours, i was floored I knew and have known for many many years she was very ill and wouldn't live forever but never expected once she was put on hospice that it would be only 10 days.  my daughter sat in her recliner next to her bed and read to her, i took a shower and sat on the edge of her bed, holding her hand and rubbing her hair and just talked to her.  One minute she took a breathe and in the next she was gone.... i put my arm around her  neck and cried and said "Momma please breathe, momma please just one more time, please momma please don't go, i love you" but she was gone...... the hospice nurse came back , i kept her oxygen on her cause i was afraid maybe she was still alive...... when the nurse took her oxygen off I knew then she was really gone, this was Dec 8th at 2:38 am..... I just fell on my  mom and sobbed and sobbed... saying please momma donnt go please don't leave me alone without you.  Me and my girls cleaned her up and bathed her.  I sat in her recliner all night and thought maybe she would wake up and say to me like she did everyday "I love you so much Sis, you are so pretty and I am so lucky to have a daughter like you"  I would tell her "I love you more and I am only as good as you raised me"  me and the girls went the next morning and got her a white dress , pink necklace.  we dressed her, the girls did her makeup and curled her hair.  She looked like she was just asleep, she looked so peaceful.  The chaplin from hospice came and said a prayer. I couldnt call the funeral home so my brother did it for me.  I went downstairs while the funeral home was here to take mom, I couldn't see her leave it was to much for me.  All I did was cry and cry...... I couldnt imagine life without mom..... I still cant imagine life without her.....  I miss her so very much..... She lived with me on and off for 18 years when she needed to and she was  my best friend, my Momma and my protector when she needed.    

Linda,

Thanks for sharing your story, I love reading them.  I consistently have flashbacks of the day when my mom passed away.  It’s been 4 months, and yet it feels like yesterday, I can recall every minute and every detail on that day. How I wish I can turn back the clock!

@KT.  I'm here. I'm listening.  You are a powerful force we need to deal with.  Life whether we like it or not must go on and the power to be of help to others can be so healing for both involved.  Kelly, thanks for being a part of my life.  I wish you all the best possible 2012 will offer.  It won't be easy but we have to go on.  it's a part of life unfortunately. this is the time we have to deal with it.  There was a time, not long ago, such an internet social network did not exist.   I still miss my mom as you all do but at least I can feel the emotions with others.  It's better than feeling alone and helpless.  Thank you all and may 2012 bring you new blessings and opportunities that will help grow not only the legacy of the one your miss, but also start your own legacy.  God's blessed us all with an unparalleled love uncompromisable love.  do you know what that means?  find the love you want to have or be the love that you want to have or be both.  If you give it, you'll get it.  If you get it be unselfish and give back. with more than six billion of us on the planet, trust me, there is someone who will need more than you.  We were blessed...believe it or not.  My mom was a blessing.  Alive or dead I leaned from a great human.  Remember the milestones that were left for your evaluation; unliess they are too great for you to surpasses. i kid you.  For the most parts our parents intended us to be greater than they were (although our young minds didn't believe it to be true at the time ;))  May 2012 bring us joy and hope.  Our loved ones would want us to be joyful while on earth.  Only God (and our loved ones) know what greater journeys exist.  For all we know. we may  be the ones be felt sorry for.  Happy New Year!  May 2012 be a positive experience.   Life is for the living.  We were given life for a reason.  Peace everyone.  Love, Kevin. 

Linda- I know just how you feel. I miss my mom so much. We lived near each other and i saw her almot every day. Sometimes it just hits me, taking my breath away, that my mom is dead. It was totally unexpected. I always assumed that as my mom got older I would care for her, like I did my grandmother. She lived to be 94, Mom was only 73. I feel like I got robbed of 20 years that I should have had to spend with my mom. I knew this holiday season would be difficult and it was and still is. I read your posts and cried and cried. I have 2 daughters and we have always been close, like mom n me. They were close to Grandma too, my 26 year olddaughter had been living with grandma for the past 2 years. So it has been very hard for her.But we're each trying to deal with our pain and loss in our own way and it sems as if were constantly arguing. Hopefully it will get better. I sincerely hope things are going as well as can be expected for you. Hang in there and take care.  Laura Krause

Sorry for your loss Laura, but although it is difficult right now, please feel grateful for the fact that your Mum lived till an old age and didn't have to suffer for a long time.

I'm only 20 and just lost my mother and not only have I been robbed of my best friend, I will also not have my Mum with me when I get married, or have children, or any other day of my life. I too imagined caring for her when she was old and frail, never imagined it would be so soon.

So although you are in pain now, I hope in time you will see that you've had your Mum there for you through a lot, and you are lucky it was unexpected and you didn't have to care for her for years, something which she wouldn't have wanted either I'm sure. Hang in there and remeber all the great times you must have had with her over the years, that's the only thing you can do now.

Hugs,

Kelly. 

It's now my Mum's birthday, and although I was waiting for it, it still hits me that it's the first time in my life I haven't celebrated her birthday.

Tracy, it's nice that you can hear her voice that way. I don't have any way to hear my Mum any more. What I like to do sometimes is write her emails. Even though it's been months now, there is still always that little part of me that expects a reply. Feeling very low tonight :(

I know what you mean Linda :( My Mum was only 52 - it just really isn't fair.

My mom was 43 when she passed away from stage 4 lung cancer, with mets.  (July 2011) I'm not sure why people tend to think "things happen for a reason," because to this date, I still don't understand this reason. As my mom laid on the emergency stretcher, she gave us the thumbs up. I'm assuming this was her telling us that we were going to be okay without her. But  lately, I haven't been okay without her. I'm not sure if it's because of the holidays, but things are starting to feel "realistic." When she passed away, I would describe my feelings as "numb." It seemed like she was gone, but not forever. With the holidays coming and going, I missed her presence the most. I think about her everyday. I think about how I wished our relationship was better, things I wish I could have said/done. But now I can't do those things.  

 I feel like such a negative person now, it's hard finding the positive things in life.

I can relate to all of the feelings you all are expressing. The holidays shifted my anger and shock to utter sadness and depression. I feel so empty and numb, it takes so much energy just to get out of bed, come to work, care for my daughter. It’s so hard that most people cannot understand what we are going through and expect us to be ok. I fake being ok until am in the privacy of my own home. I miss mom terribly and would have gladly given up twenty years of my life to have her for two or three extra years. I just pray that we can all find some comfort soon.

About three months ago I lost my mom to cancer.  She had been sick for a while but didnt want me to know since I live and go to school fairly far away from home.  She didnt want me to have to leave school and work and feel the need to come home.  The first two months after her death I was dealing with my pain by keeping myself very busy with school and work and almost pretending that she was still at home alive.  Then a few weeks ago I had to go back home for the holidays and then everything came back to me all at once.  The realization that she was no longer here in this world with me and that I not only have to go through the holidays without her but also every celebration and event in my life that follows.  I am now back at work and my life away from home after the holidays and I feel so much pain right now.  More pain then I did before the holidays.  Everyday I think of how I wish she was jsut a phone call away.  I miss her so much and feel so much weight on my heart right now and just wish it would get better soon.

Lisa, Elaine and others. I had a rough time this past holiday. It’s been very hard to sleep too even while taking the strongest prescription pills my doctor would prescribe. I’m missing mom now more than ever. I have a twenty six month old and I love her to death. I also love mom and miss her so much. I have conflicting feelings of wanting to be here to raise her, while also wanting to be with my mom. I feel that if God takes me home, she’s still young enough to recover from the loss, she has a loving dad and our extended family loves her so much. I keep begging mom to ask Jesus to take me home. I don’t feel like am any good to anyone living such a miserable life. I know this is painful to say but it’s really what I feel. I hope we all find some peace soon.

Please read my profile,this should help you!

it's been 9 months ago today. since moms been gone :(

Alice - I know how you feel and am sending you loving thoughts to help (if I can). I think your mother did you a dis-service by not letting you know what was happening, but I also know that she did it out of love for you. And that love did not die with her. Keep coming here - it has been a great comfort to me to know that I am not alone and that I am not "over reacting" to my mother's death (even if I do cry every time I'm here). Mercy - Do Not believe for a minute that your little girl would be OK if you left her - no matter what her age. I lost my father when I was 8 and I have NEVER gotten over it even though I had the best support system I could have prayed for.

Hi Melissa, am so sorry. Every month on the 29th; I feel so depressed, worse than I do always. Its the day mom died and will never be the same for me. Its been 7 months but seems like a lifetime since I heard mommas voice. I now live for my daughter. Thanks everyone for your suport.

Big hugs to all of you. Especially Linda and Melissa, these days are always hardest. My Mum died a couple of days after my 20th birthday, on the 21st April. My Mum had already had her stroke and we knew she would go any day. She couldn't speak, she couldn't move. All she would do was look at us with these pained eyes as if asking us for help :( Those big beautiful brown eyes of hers still haunt me at night. My boyfriend's Mum made me a cake, and birthday cards were set up all on the windowsill by my Mum's bed. But I don't know if she realised it was my 20th birthday. I waited all day for her but she barely woke up that day so I had to blow out my candles in tears by her bedside whilst she slept restlessly. I don't think I'll ever want to celebrate my birthday again.

We all understand Linda. When Mum died, I felt like I couldn't wait to join her, like I was looking forward to it, just to be with her again, to end this pain and missing. Now, although I am no longer afraid of death, I also do not hope for it too. I'm sure you will reach that phase too Linda. It is still very soon for you :(

Tomorrow is the 6 month mark since my mom's passing to lung cancer. I hate thinking about it because it makes me so sad.

I can't believe that she's been gone for 1/2 a year..

Oh Lisa :( You should definitely go to the doctor. It's probably just heart ache from missing her so much, mixed with anxiety. But you'll feel a lot more at peace if you go and be seen to, just in case.

As for the home videos, I know what you mean. A relative passed on an old video tape from about 16 years ago of a family holiday. When we played it, it was so surreal to see my Mum laughing and smiling and holding me. Then the tape started to break and part of the contents can now no longer be seen because it is so old :( It just breaks my heart and I regret so much not having taken more videos in the past. It never even occurred to me that one day that might be all I'd have left :'( Big hugs for you. Kelly.

Linda, I totally understand. The people who don’t understand are those who maybe haven’t been through this road. It’s been seven months and I hate life as it is. Most of my friends and family think am crazy or dramatic since I don’t seem to be moving on. I think about death and suicide several times a day but in the midst of all the thoughts, I think of my baby Michelle and feel I have to keep living for her. If we could both just die together, it would be the best outcome; since chances of that happening are slim to none, I have to continue living one painful day after the next. I have a co-worker who has a sick mother and complains about driving one hour to go see her; she says she has to waste a whole day on account of her mom, I cry when I hear her say that, knowing I would give anything, drive anywhere to see my mom again. Don’t give up, we all have to find something to live for, I hope you find one.

Elaine, I'm so sorry. I have those crying spells. Most of the time I cry infront of my baby, since she never leaves my side when am home. She gets so scred when I cry and she sometimes cries too, or consoles me. I hear that tears are heling, or cleansing. I don't feel the healing.

Linda it seems that alot of us are having anxiety,panic attacks since our losses.  I know what you mean about saying things here that you wouldnt say to someone face to face.  It is so nice to have a place to express how we really feel without feeling like we will bring someone else down, or they will think were crazy, or whatever.  I am so thankful to all who are here and let me just be me, angry, sad, crazy me!