I am really having a hard time - I think it is the holidays.  Even though it has been three years, my life is still so void without my mom.  Thanksgiving I spent in bed.  Now Christmas is just torture.  The decorations, the songs, and people all talking about gift buying.  I need my mom.  I can hardly bear it.  Christmas songs just make me cry.  The other day I went in a store and saw all the decorations.....I just broke down and left quickly.  My mom always made it so special.  It was never about the presents - she was an amazing gift wrapper.  She made packages so special and unique.  I miss everything about her.  I still can't handle even looking at her picture.  My life is not the same and I am drowning in sadness.  It is worse the ever.  There are many times I feel I can't not go on without her.

Elaine,  you are right.  Cancer is evil.  So many people I know have direct relatives who are either fighting it or lost the battle.  But science is advancing,  the chemo drugs are getting better.  After all, my Mom fought lung cancer for 13 years, that is miracle!  I am thinking about volunteering at American Cancer Society,  they help many patients by providing transportation to the treatments.  That's huge to the patients.

Cancer...a monster, evil, relentless, cruel, heartbreaking....I hate it...I want to smother it, I want to make it dead, I want to look it in the eye and say "YOU DIE..YOU SUFFER...YOU FEEL PAIN"...My mother's body was destroyed because of cancer. My mother suffered because of cancer, I have suffered because of cancer, we all have been destroyed by cancer. I hate cancer just like all of you do. Cancer took my mommy away from me. Cancer took her father away from her. I hate cancer.

I agree with you all. Mom suffered relentlessly because of this evil, demonic disease. Cancer won the fight and our lives are totally destroyed. My soul died when mom died, in fact I think my soul was dying slowly the last few weeks of her life and now am just an empty vessle walking through this earth. I feel so empty....

We are living because we still have a purpose I prayed to god last night to show me mine. I really think my purpose is my children..And to carry on my moms memory..I too hate cancer it took my mother from me. But we all still have something that keeps us here keeps us living look inside your heart and find yours..While your looking there you will also find your mothers <3

Your's truly,

Melissa

I live because that's what my mom would expect me to do.  My mom always told me she was so proud of me and even from Heaven, I want her to keep saying that.  The first 3 days after my mother died, I was in so much emotional pain, I didn't think it was survivable.  Weeks later, I believe it is but it's because of my faith and belief that I WILL see her again that is making me strong again.  The cancer that killed by mom caused her to suffer so much and that was painful to watch.  The fact that she is cancer free and no longer suffering gives me relief even though she is healthy now because of death.  It's hard, but I'm getting through it with the support of my family and friends.

Lisa,

I feel the same. I live because my mom would want me to. On the day she died I was crying silently, holding her hand. She stroked my cheek and say "Sue why are you crying"? The day my mother died, I was holding her hand and telling her it was OK to go with Jesus. I said I would take care of my sisters. Big joke there. They could care less about us as a family unit. All they care about is what they wanted from the house and the money. How many of us have dealt with that? Mom was in GREAT pain, she suffered so much I wanted to die myself. To watch your mother like that...it broke a part of me not being able to help her. I am not the same anymore. After my husband of 20 years dumped me...that changed me..now with mother gone...I don't feel I will EVER let anyone in to that place of my heart ever again. I have GREAT friends but no man in my life and don't want to. My life is so different now. Yes, our moms are cancer free, no longer in pain of any form. But I am in pain missing her. Every single day...I miss her voice, her phone calls, her support, her unconditonal love. Love Sue

Sue ~ the last  words I heard from my mom was, "love you to the moon and back"...it's what we always said to my daughter.  I hold onto that closely, but I still can't wrap my head around the fact that my mother is truly gone from this physical world and because I AM human, I'm selfish and want her here with me (without the pain and suffering).  My mom was an amazing mother to me and a fabulous grandmother to my daughter.  Like you, I miss her everyday and think about her constantly.  I'm sorry that your siblings didn't wrap their love around you like they should have.  I'm an only child, so while I didn't have siblings, my aunts and friends were with every step of the way.  Take care, Lisa

I’m living because my little two year old. Mom went through so many trials and tribulations but she didn’t give up because she would not have wanted to give up on us. I’m honoring her memory by living my life, as hard as it is and as much as I want to die. I’ll live and hopefully leave a good legacy for my daughter. Its really hard, but we just have to find a reason to live.

Love you to the moon and back...I love that Lisa. I can't wrap my head around my mother being gone either. Last night I had another major melt down. Cried my eyes out asking for my Mommy. I said "Mommy why did you have to smoke those cigarettes"!!!!!!!! Mom was only 77. She could have been with me longer!!! Mom spoke 3-4 packs a day in the 70's. She quit 25 years ago and throat cancer came anyway. When I used to asked her to please stop smoking...she said "I love my cigarettes and you have to die of something". I use to blow out my birthday candles praying for her to stop because I was so afraid of loosing her. My word fear - came true. My mother got cancer from smoking cigarettes. Everyone says...you don't know that for sure....yes...I do know that for sure. I have such an emptiness inside just like you guys do. There is no "healing", no moving forward for me. I love you guys. Sue

My mom never smoked or drank a day in her life. at the end she had every cancer imaginable. Ok I'm doing the best I can. and you know what in the light of thing's I think I'm doing pretty damn good. But if I get told I need to let things go one more time I think I'm going to scream!!! I mean geez it's only been 8 months! My mom went quickly so I didn't have time to process much she went from mom..to a person I could hardly recognize in just 2 short months. We went from she's sick to she's dying..So I don't understand what's wrong with people. The person that keeps telling me this has lost both parents herself..Been 10 yrs for her mom and almost 3 yrs for her dad and she stills grieving and I show support so why can''t I get it in return. I mean geez I'll move on when I'm damn good and ready..and I will never never ever forget my mother or stop missing her..so if they don't like it they can piss right off!!! Sorry guys I'm just a little frustrated..thanx for letting me vent

Melissa ~ I am quickly finding out that people think one should grieve a certain way, when in fact, we all grieve differently.  Some people question how I can be doing "so good" when it hasn't even been a month since my dear mother died.  I don't ever want to experience the deep, intense pain that I experienced the 3-days after she died.  I didn't think I could survive, so I chose to push those specific feelings aside.  I don't want my mom to be looking down from Heaven and say, "I raised her to be stronger than that".  I think about my mom constantly and hold her dear to my heart.  I loved her very much and she was my best friend and letting go was NOT easy, but I knew it was the right thing to do because she was in pain and was miserable.  The cherish the fact that she is in Heaven now sharing with her everyone her amazing laugh and talking about her granddaughter.  Heaven...knowing it exists as helped me heal.  I will never stop thinking about or loving my mom, but knowing I WILL see her again helps me get through the days and move forward.

Lisa-

I have my good days and I have my bad..the first 4-5 months I was in shock..cut off from feelings I just put them aside shut myself off from life. I didn't even join this site till month 7. I really wish I would have joined sooner. I'm just missing my mom..I'm passed guilt and all that, I know there was nothing I could do within my power. The longer she's gone the more I miss her..It seems to be getting worse for me instead of better. I just really wish my mom was still here I really need her. But I do find comfort in knowing I will see again.

I'm having issues sleeping, soon as the kids go to sleep. the pain hits me like a ton of bricks. I miss my mom so much. I really need her.

Hi Friends,

Went to 2 Christmas parties last night with my friend Brenda. It was so nice to see the husbands and wives together having a nice evening taling about their  families and their holiday plans. I was so in awe of what they had. Eachother. Came home to my pup Rudy and 4 kitties waiting for me at the door. Didn't cry for a change. Maybe I am numb or just getting slightly use to being just Sue. Not Mom and Sue. I feel that mom has moved on in her journey...that makes me happy for her. What do the words "survived by" mean in an obituary? I guess it is survival isn't it. I only have a couple Christmas presents to buy this year. So different for me now. All of our moms would YES want us to be happy and create a life for ourselves. I have no idea how to do that. My thought always goes to moms lifeless body lying in that bed. My mom....her little body no longer her.  I really am trying just like you are. Love Me

Sue ~ I know exactly what you mean when you say "being just Sue".  My mom and I always lived together and when I adopted my daughter 10 years ago, then it was always the (3) of us.  I'm struggling with figuring out what the "new normal" is because I'm not sure when it will be the "new normal".  It's like my mom is just on an extended vacation and she's not really gone.  My mom was so full of life and energy...loved working in the yard, going out with friends, dancing, laughing, being feisty and the list goes on and on.  It's just so surreal to me.  I'm blessed that I have my daughter and I love her deeply and she has helped me with the healing process.  I think (for me) it's best to stop using the words "grieving process" and begin using the words "healing process".   I don't know...each day, actually each hour is different.  Life would be so much easier if she was just here and not sick.  I question a lot, why does cancer exist and why does God allow it when He knows what it does to a person's body and to their family members.  Hugs to everone, Lisa

Finally worked up courage to visit the Cancer Center where mom had her 6-month chemo treatment.  I could see her and me walking into the facility and me helping her getting into the car after the treatment.  The facility was closed for the weekend.  I sat in the car in the empty parking lot and started crying.  How I wish she could continue with the treatments and she might still be with me today. I felt guilty for not talking her into it.

Like Melissa's mom, mine never smoked or drank a day in her life;  Like many of your moms, cancer took her life; Like Sue, I was with her till the very end; Reading your comments help me realize I am not the only one who feels the way I feel.  It's surreal to me that she vanished from this earth.  This kind, loving and smart person that I love so much can no long be found.

I'm so sad for us all..But I'm glad I'm not alone..thank you so much all of you ((((Hugs)))))

Elaine,

I have no doubt in my mind that I will see my mother again, I know I will. My children keep me going. But I fall off the healing wagon alot lately and let the grief overwhelm me I can't help it I miss her so much.. I had no idea I would be 30 yrs old and be motherless! I ask myself...How will I live without her? A voice in my head says..Because you have too! I was sitting on my couch early this morning feeling very lonely for my mother..I felt her presence and instead of it comforting me like it normally does..It made me miss her so much more. This is so hard.

I pray for healing and comfort for us all,

Melissa

Hello my wonderful friends...

It's Sunday...I'm trying to come up with a reason to get up, shower and do something. Yesday I went and saw the movie New Years Eve. It was cute. Mom would have liked it to. It's funny...I always keep her in mind when I do things. Tomorrow is Moms birthday...mine to. Our first separated . She in heaven, me on earth. I will be 56. I have been doing this weird thing...organizing my home so that when I die, my friends will know where everything is. I had a dream about a month ago that I was driving my car in the fog and all of the sudden there were multiple cars in front of me...my air bag deployed in my face and darkness began..there was an overwhelming sense of peace when I woke up. I thought..this is how I am going to die. I really wish so much that my mother was here, healthy and happy. I wish my sisters were not just cold calus people. I am feeling a bit down today...but I will make it through another day just being Sue. I to know I will se my mother again. How do we will without our moms? Because yes...we just have to Melissa. This is my first birthday without my wonderful mom. In her honor I will live and be the best person I can be. Thank you for being there for me you guys. We are sisters sharing the most intimate experience of loosing our mothers. One day....maybe we will meet in person. Love Sue

Sue ~ in case I'm not on the site tomorrow...Happy Birthday!  Celebrate yours and your mom's...it's o.k.  We do have to keep going because our mother's would be incredibly disappointed if we didn't.  I have to believe that our mom's raised all of us to be independent and strong woman and therefore, we keep breathing and put one foot in front of the other.  On another note, I keep getting all this information from various people on "how to grieve"...really!  I didn't think there was a right or wrong way to grieve.  I cried and grieved so hard the first 3 days after my mom died, I knew I didn't want to experience that level of pain again.  I haven't really cried since then, but that doesn't mean I miss my mom any less.  Who knows what will trigger an emotional cry and when, but what I do know is that it won't make any difference...it will still be o.k.  I appreciate and care for you and very grateful that I found this site.  Hugs, Lisa

I will never get over losing mom……..no one should get over losing their mom. People keep saying, you need to get over it, even my family but I never will. A part of me is gone forever…What make the grief even worse is that my healthy 43 year old brother died just one year before mom. For the last one and a half years, I’ve either been grieving or hurting. The last month of mom’s life was the worst. Having lost both parents under different circumstances and three siblings; two suddenly and one after a long illness.  I think I prefer sudden death…dad died just a few hours after an auto accident so we didn’t have to watch him suffer. Seeing mom suffer was worse than anything I could ever go through.

This is not something any of us will ever "get over". I like to think it'll just be something that we deal with. It's just the way things are now. It sucks, but sadly, there just isn't anything we can do about it. Thanks to everyone that shares on here. It's very comforting to me, it makes me feel not so crazy. I have no one I feel comfortable talking to about any of this. I have a lot of people that care, just no one I feel understands.

I talked to my Grandma the other day on the phone and she said that Christmas' just seem sadder now. As much as I'm hurting everyday, I think my Grandma is hurting more. I can't imagine burring not one, but all 3 of her children. She and all of you give me strength. Especially with Christmas fast approaching. 

Mercy, even though all death sucks..People were telling me at least you can say goodbye..Well I've been on both ends of quick and without warning and then watching my mom suffer I take quick over suffering any day. It was awful. I hope with all my heart I will never have to watch someone I love suffer again.

Happy Birthday, Sue!  I hope you found a way to enjoy this special day!

I don't feel like I can go on without my mom.  I would rather die than be without her.  I really can't stand it any longer.

The worst part of the first few weeks seems to be the shock, and the that comes with not feeling "enough".  My mom died 19 days ago.  She had cancer, which she suffered through the last two and a half years.  For the last 23 years I've known her she could always make me smile and laugh, but when I try to think of the different memories of her, I see mainly the last two years.  I mainly see the agony she lived through most recently.  I was thinking that relating what I am going through to others might help.  I guess I'll find out.

Patrick,

I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother..Here you will find we all know what you are going through. Welcome! Sorry you had to join this site..But you came to the right place. I welcome you..Hugs to you! My mom and alot of the other members lost their moms to cancer as well. So we know what you had to go through. At first all I remembered was when my mom was ill and slowly fading away. It's been 8 months on the 7th.. At about the 4 or 5 months mark I was able to finally start remembering before she was so ill..Or her last moments..But those memories creep back in if I let them, I for one do not want to remember my mom like that so I push those memories back in when they come. I was also having some pretty bad dreams as well..But now they are more fonder memories. I hope that your able to relate here and find friends to help you through your journey. Take care

Melissa

Suzanne, I don't want to go on either without my mom. I have a dog that depends on me and my sister is close by and would want me here. So, I go on. i wonder if this feeling of not wanting to go on is normal?

Melissa, my mom suffered and struggled for one and a half years of in and out of emergency rooms/hospitals, our home, and a skilled nursing place. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I would take sudden death over this -the only good thing is that I always told my mom I loved her during this time. It is so hard to remember mom as she was laughting and full of energy after this past struggle. I am trying to remember her as she was at her best - that is what she would have wanted.

Dear Sandra,

I have to tell you I agree with you. My last memory of my mom is the life draining out of her face. Death is ugly. I watched my darling mother go from being a vibrant and living woman to a shell of a body just deteriorating before me. That bastard cancer. How many people has cancer devoured. I am starting to remember mom healthy and it makes me cry. Not happy. Cancer devoured her. When my mom died it was the single most horrible experience of my life - and I have had several to compare it to trust me. When the phone rings now...I say screw it...moms dead so I don't care who is calling. I use to talk to her on the phone throughout the day - every day of my life. Yesterday was our birthday - I bought her roses and pu them next to her picture. Our first birthday apart. Her in heaven...me on earth. I got home from work and there was a damn pointsetta on my porch. My mean, ugly sisters sent it to me with the note "Thinking of you on this special day - Love Syd and Stacey". I had held it together all day...until they once again did something to cut through me like a knife. A phone call would have been way to hard for them. The pointsetta was to make THEM feel better. Their easy way out...to tell themselves that they remembered. There was a card in my mailbox from Syd ...I tore it up and threw it in the garbage. I started to cry...but them moms sister my Aunt called me and helped me put it back together. She said don't let them in your heart or head - not today. Then...I called Melissa our friend on this site and we chatted. She has so much on her plate. Such a strong person you are Melissa. Yesterday was my rebirth - my 56th birthday. No more people hurting me, using me. No more me being a victim. I am just Sue now not Mom and Sue...but I will fight this thing called "grief" and "survival". Mom was most proud of me. I know she was. We had a very special bond. Anyone want a pointsetta? Love Sue

Wow!  So many of you have posted some powerful statements.  My mother's death was both horrifying and peaceful...I'm not sure how those two words can co-exist, but they do for me.  I hated seeing her in pain, miserable on daily basis, losing hope and suffering and therefore, I was at peace that she was heading into the arms of Jesus.  It was horrifying, because I knew I would be without a mom, a wonderful one at that.

Patrick, you made a comment that was so profound and it was when you made the comment about not feeling "enough".  Strange because even though I'm coming up on the month anniversary of her death, I can laugh, enjoy myself, look forward to Christmas, etc...why, because that's what my mom would have expected and because I feel God has given me that peace.  However, to some people they perceive this as it I've "moved on", gotten "over it".  That is FAR from the truth, I still grieve and heal at the same time.  I wish you all could have known my mother...she was amazing!  I AM strong and AM healing, but I also still hurt.  Call me human.  Hugs, Lisa

I lost my dear mother Labor Day weekend this year. She was 88 so it should not have come as a surprise, but it did. While she had not been exactly sick for the last few years, she had not really been well. She went into the hospital in August with kidney problems that were causing her to go into congestive heart failure. The decision as made to put her on dialysis and she was moved to a nursing home until she was strong enough to go home. She worked hard to get strong as she really wanted to just be home. Just 3 days before her passing she was evaluated and the doctors thought she would be going home within a week. Then the call came that she had passed away. So, as you see we were surprised. She had been doing so well but I guess her heart just could not take it. This, along with other factors, has completely thrown my life into turmoil. She and I were particularly close and I was there every other weekend to spend time with her and run errands. I am trying to just get through this holiday with my sanity intact. It doesn't help that I just started a new job that has turned out to be the worst decision I have made in a long time. I am constantly in tears, or on the verge of them. I am either too sick to my stomach to eat, or I binge. I remember going through many of these same things when my dad died, but I am not 8 years old anymore. I feel like I should be handling this better but all I want to do is sleep.

My mom died labor day weekend too. The last few months have been a blur. In the beginning I had lost my will to live, I still don't want to be on this earth but I know my two year old daughter needs me. She's the only reason why I'm alive today. This has been a very bad day, I went to my hair stylist house and she was all smiles, doing last minute christmas stuff like cooking and wrapping gifts talking about going to her moms place for christmas. This put me over the edge and ruined my whole day. I'm not celebrating Christmas this year, I just can't, the pain is unbearable.

Mercy,

I don't just get upset I get down right jealous when people talk about their moms.

I'm sorry, your having a tough time, I think me and all my kids being sick is helping keep my mind off everything. I mean really I'm not even thinking about Christmas I yeah sure I'll go through the motions of things for the kids but we all feel horrible.

Hi everyone ~ it's 1:50 in the morning (Christmas Day) and I just can't sleep.  It took forever for my 10 year old daughter to fall asleep and since she still believes in Santa, I had to wait until she fell asleep to finish up some last minute details.  Now that she is asleep, I can't sleep.  It's been 33 days since my mom passed away and I can't believe I will be facing my first Christmas without her.  I really think I have a brick wall up in regards to my emotions, because it's like I can't cry or won't allow myself to feel.  I'm excited for my daughter, but the thought of opening presents without my mom is surreal.  I could not celebrate Christmas, but that is not what my mom would have expected out of me, but not sure what I would be celebrating if it wasn't for my daughter.  So with that said, Merry Christmas to all who celebrate this holiday, otherwise, Happy Holidays.  Hugs, Lisa

I know Melissa, and people talk about it so innocently. It makes me so sad. I'm feeling worse, knowing home is not home anymore, with my mom and dad gone and the brother who was to inherit the family home too passed away one year before my mom. I'm so sorry Melissa that you all are not feeling well. My baby had been sick for the last three weeks and it was also a distraction for me. Now I have all the time to think about my loss. I have a co-worker who's mom is in a nursing home and she falls often and gets sick. My co-worker is so fed up with her and shows no emotion when her mom is sick but the minute her pets get ill; its like the end of the world. Isn't it ironic that those who love their parents so much don't get to have them around long enough? I hope you all feel better soon and have a very merry Christmas. God Bless.

Lisa, same here; I'm still up.........today has been a very tough day for me; if you read my other posts, you'll get an idea. I don't even want to celebrate Christmas, if not for my daughter; I would spend the whole day in bed. Hope your day goes well. Your daughter is at the age where she understands Christmas and all the traditions, my baby is two and thank God for that, I don't know how I would cope with Christmas if she were older.

Christmas morning...hello my friends. I say Happy Birthday Jesus. No Santas's and Christmas shopping here. No more cooking beside mom. It's the birth of Christ. In celebrating only this...it is meaningful and does not feel empty for me. How I miss mom. I was out the other day and I looked at all of the people around me and thought I wonder what is going on in their world? Going to a friends for dinner today. Does anyone else just view the world completely different now? Have the best day you can. You are in my thoughts today. Love Sue

Suzanne Davis - I know Exactly how you feel. I feel that way many days myself. But know that, if you are still here it is because you have not finished the journey you set for yourself. In due time, you will be reunited with all of the ones you have loved. Cry when you need to but stay strong. One thing I have done is start a journal I call "Dear Mom". I write her letters at least once a week and it has been cathartic for me.

Hello all and I am greeting Christmas morning in tears. Sue, thank your for your comments so much! My mother was one of those people who lived her faith. I am focusing today on the meaning of Christmas. No gifts or parties. No decorations. I am going to spend the day with my sister.

Hello everyone.

I would just like to say I'm grateful that none of us are alone, and even if others don't understand our tears this Christmas, we sure do! It's no doubt been a horrible day for many of us, and despite my loved ones best efforts, my brave face was just a mask!

I also have to agree with Melissa... I do feel the big pangs of jealousy when others speak about their Mums!!!

Well I wish you all the best, and let's hope 2012 is better than last year..

God Bless x

Hello all,

I feel so lonely after a big celebration like birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas. My mom used to stay a few nights during this time. Christmas going through the normal motions for the kids was a blur for me this yr. I'm glad I took pics Because honestly it has all ran together in my mind. It was not the same for me.. And it hurts so bad. A big piece of my world is gone..I feel lost and lonely without my mom. But I feel lonely alot..I try and talk with people on the phone when I'm lonely like I used to with my mom. But no one truly listen to me like she did. I hate feeling this lonely. My kids are all sick, I'm still not feeling well. This does not help. I wish I could feel normal again but I'm not.I don't even enjoy doing things I once did. It really took alot out of me to try and make thing Christmas happy for my children. I miss my mom so so much.

Hello..day after Christmas. I fell back asleep this morning and woke up with a jolt with mothers face in my mind. I wanted to cry and feel sad. I jumped up and took my shower and I just have to get out of the house. I am so depressed today. But I will muddle through another day without family. Without you all...I would be in such a bad state. I always know I can count on you. Mercy...I tried to reach you..we keep missing eachother on the phone. I hate that we could not connect Mercy when you reached out in your emptiness on Christmas. I went to my neighbors for a dinner at 1pm. They have a big family and they are so down to earth and lovely. Then went to my boss/friend Brendas for dinner number 2. I wanted to tell them all - do you honestly KNOW how lucky (and lucky came into mind) as well as blessed that YOU have these people sitting around your table???? I was surrounded by so many people and yet I fetl so ALONE. Horrible to be alone in this gigantic world. Got home, made myself a martinti and watched some TV. Ate every Christmas Cookie that I received. I don't even like sweets much. My dysfunctional and estranged sisters Syd (the so called Christian in the family) and Stacey (the sex equals they love me) sister - I prayed for them to have a blessed Christmas. I guess I am walking the talk of replacing hate with love. Accepting the Lord as my savior when mom's ashes were placed in the ground in Michigan was a vow I intend to keep inspite of the negative ones in my family who are just not good people. I guess we could all write about the people in our families that have hurt us deeply. I feel angry and sad today. I feel like an orphan. I want to hug all of you guys right now. I want my mother. Life is one strange and quite honestly PAINFUL experience. I'm going to a movie. I love you guys very much. Love Sue

Elaine, I cherish and honor your words.  they are true and resonate with me.  I would say it resonated with many of us.  It hurts though.  i thought being with my family would help.  it did.  it mean a lot to be around those that loved the same woman.  We all share a pleasant perspective of our mom that we're not aware or and that is amazing.  All my siblings say mom was great.  great at what?  what a conversation starter that is!  Love is greater than "I love someone."  Did you get to know them?  Did you get to share activities/ I realize I got to know my  mom through my own lenses.  to know my mom from my perspective I wouldn't trade with anyone. I would like to know my mom from others' perspectives.  Yesterday was hard.  Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays.  It's hard to be without our mom or those love but peace to us all.  -Kevin

Hi all,

Elaine, you are so right. Not all mothers are good, yet we are all very lucky to have had such wonderful women loving us. So much so, that now we don't know how to fill up that massive hole where their love used to be.

And Sue, I also know what you mean and how you are feeling, sometimes I feel like shouting at people myself! My Mum was my best friend, my rock. My relationship with my father has been difficult to say the least. One night I was driving round after work, I just couldn't face going home yet, and all of a sudden it hit me, I suddenly felt parentless, like an orphan as you mentioned. It hit me like a truck and I cried all the way home, feeling lost and alone, with no one to take care of me for the first time in my life - Kelly

Totally understand Lisa. In the mortuary when family and friends were visiting to pay their respects the day my Mum died, my sister and I were actually chatting and giggling. People didn't realise that we had been taking care of her for a long time and had also been sleep deprived in the 12 days leading up to her passing, just sat by her bedside trying to comfort her. That day we giggled and chatted because that was our body's way of dealing with it because the pain was too much to handle... people looked at us disgusted and confused, but you don't realise how bizarre grieving is until you go through it yourself...

Lisa, yes it is getting harder for me as the time goes on. The first 3 weeks I was just numb. Now it's getting worse. I've been reading that this is normal and the HARDEST time is afterwards for a couple of years. I go into my mom's room and talk to her sometimes. I just hope there comes a time when we all will feel better.