Hi everyone.  Yesterday was Sam's 2nd year.  We had another gathering here at the house.  It was bittersweet.  We had a some of Sam's poetry and writings made into a book.  We passed them out yesterday as a way to say thank you for remembering him and also to keep his memory alive.  I know for me, I'll wake up thinking of him, go to bed thinking of him, think of him though out my day probably for the rest of my life.  I don't see it getting any easier with the years but I do know that the emotions are not as raw like they were the first year.  It's just a different kind of emotion because it's the realization he's not coming back.  That when I talk to him I'm talking to his spirit and hope that he hears me.  Sending love and hugs to you all.  And also for just listening.  For the new ones here in this group a special hug.  We now what you are going through.  Our heart aches for you.

Hey everyone. I still have a problem with speaking of my son in the past tense, it makes me feel like I am making him feel like he never existed....I know that sounds crazy and irrational but I feel like that sometimes. Maybe I don't speak of him that way because I don't want any of this to be a reality. It's the same with me having waves of guilt if I laugh or enjoy anything, I feel like my son will feel like I am forgetting him, forget dancing, I still haven't danced since 2009, the year my son passed away. The few times that I attempted to, my eyes well up with tears and I just can't do it, it's like a voice says to me "what you are dancing for?!!!!) I would have been able to dance at my son's wedding one day but now I've been robbed of that. Enjoyment has become such a task for me. I feel like during happy family events I have to be fake so others won't feel uncomfortable and plus I don't want the focus to be on me when everyone should be enjoying their self. Thanks for listening.

Hello everyone, I'm having a bad morning can't stop crying. I was going to try and go back to work today. I'm blessed to have a great boss. I don't want to leave the house. It's a nightmare i can't hold or kiss my son. I miss him so much. I just want him here with me.

Wow Adrianne, I thought I was the only one that felt that way about the dancing, I also use to love to dance. I still can't use that 'd' word either, sounds so final. Sending hugs.

It changes you in ways other people can't imagine. I lost my little one 3 years ago, and since then have developed such anxiety over the uncertainty of life, that it's sometimes overwhelming. I also have a high level of anxiety over the safety of my 2 year old daughter {I check to see if she's breathing when she sleeps}......I have to stop myself from thinking about every possible danger she can encounter......I  am sometimes thankful for the distraction that day to day life can bring......

It's been like 2 1/2 years since my daughter passed away suddenly. It still feels like a bad dream. I still am having trouble accepting her being gone.

Hi Peggy, so sorry, I know how you feel. I often ask myself why do I have to accept this.....do I really have to? I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. All we can do is try our best to make sure they are NEVER forgotten, our children had a life, they were real, they did exist!!! My son is more than a mere 'memory' to me. I want him back.

Karen R. Thank you. I am sorry for your loss too. My daughter will never be forgotten. I, too wish and want my child back. Hugs to you Karen.

Hi Zelma, I know about that anxiety that you speak of. I think now that life's distractions are what helps me get through the day but when I have to wind down to go to bed, unless I have noise or the distraction of the television, everything falls on top of me like a ton of bricks, I relive that dreadful day with the same intensity when it occurred, I even have tortuous visions of my son's autopsy until I want to vomit. I lay there thinking how can I face another day. Then my guilt of terminating his life support burns me like acid in a wound. I battle with the fact that maybe I did it too soon. I lay there and beg him to come to me and let me know that he is ok and not angry with me. My insomnia is bad and silence makes it even harder for me to fall asleep, I wake up feeling so exhausted, sometimes I only sleep 3-4 hrs in the night.

Hello to all that are here and expressing their feelings.  I can relate to all of it at times.  Karen, I too have to have the TV on to fall asleep and then wake up several times during the night.  Some are fortunate that they can sleep to escape, but others, like us, for some reason can not fully escape into that deep sleep.  I sure wish I could.  I often tell my husband that I envy his being able to fall asleep so quickly.

Today, being Wednesday, is another thing I can't get past.  Why?  I wish I could just forget that that was the day we were told he was gone and not coming back.  I think I am accepting that now, but still imagine what it would be like to see him again and hold him.  I picture myself just hugging him and not letting go.

I do believe that I grieve more for myself now and not my son.  I know he had a hard time in life struggling with mental health issues and maybe he was just too tired to keep fighting them.  Just another way I try to ease my pain.  I'm still waiting for the answers from the authorities on that.  It will be 32 months on the 14th and some days I think I should just let it go and then maybe I can move on a little, if that is even possible.  

Karen, it's like you question yourself about the life support.  Will we always have these questions running through our minds?  Will we ever be able to just accept it and release it?

I am also thankful for the distractions.  I have his daughter here 4 days a week and a four month old grandson and our daughter living with us now.  So I am thankful because they are distractions even though some days they can bring painful memories, but there is more good from them than sadness.

I pray you all can find some relief in the blessings that we do have remaining.  Hugs.  • x o ♥ ♥ x o •

I know that feeling, nearly every night I find myself laying in bed, tired and ready for sleep but all that comes to my mind is thoughts of Jimmy. Jimmy's dead! God I miss him! Will I see him again? Where is he? Is he safe? Is he at peace? Did/does he know how much I love him? My heart aches, I feel as if I'm losing my mind and I feel so alone in this world. No-one can understand how important it is to me to talk about him, keep his memory alive. I think of ways to keep his memory alive. It is very important to me to keep his memory alive and I find myself frustrated and hurt because I feel his brother, my ex-husband (Jimmy's step father), my mother and other family have just moved on. I understand life continues on despite losing our loved ones, and maybe it is different for mothers and fathers, we feel it differently. I just want to wake up from this nightmare, I know I never will and I hate this!!!!!!!!!! 

Aaaaw! Pat, what a cute picture, it's amazing what life can bring, sending hugs!

Hello to all, just hurting and crying with you all.

Oh my dear Adrianne, I know.....here's a hug.

MY NAME IS TAMMY I LOST MY SON IN OCTOBER TO SUICIDE HE WAS 22 I MISS HIM ALOT . I SOMETIMES WISH I WOULD WAKE UP AND HE WILL BE CALLED FOR ME .BUT I KNOW HE WILL NEVER DO THAT .I CRY ALMOST EVERYDAY  IT IS GETTING HARDER AS THE DAYS GO ON NOT EASIER AS PEOPLE SAY IT DOES

Hi Tammy, I am so sorry that you have had to experience the loss of your son.  To me, there is no loss as devastating as that of a child.

I just wanted to let you know that what you are feeling is completely normal.  Do not expect to get over it as some think we should.  Take your time and grieve.  Each day may be a little different, but you will have calmer days.  It takes time.  You will never forget or stop loving and missing him, but it will not always be as hard as it is.  You are still fresh in your grief.  5 Months is not long at all.  Let yourself grieve as you need, but also try to take care of yourself.  

I also lost my son.  In 4 days I will be at 32 months and some days are just like it happened, but I do have days that are not as bad.  Each one of us walk the same road, but in slightly different shoes and at different times.  It's okay.

Come here and write.  It's helpful to get out your feelings & frustrations.  We are all here to do that and to help and be helped.

Blessings & hugs to the group.

Ammy

(Mom of Chas 7/14/2010)

Hi Tammy, I am also very sorry to learn of yet, another tragic loss. It has not gotten any easier for me since my 21 yr old son passed away in October 2009!  I just feel like it will NEVER be "ok". I would also encourage you to join us all here, where we all truly 'get it'. So sorry.

Tammy things will never be the same.  All you can do is go with the ups and downs of the days that will go by.  I keep myself busy and do these projects that I told myself I need to get done.... but deep inside I'm so broken.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  Grieve when you need to, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  Only you know what is right for you.  Hugs from me.  Hugs to everyone here on the site.

Have not been on here for awhile, my youngest daughter moved back home which is good for me any way. I don't have as much quiet time to just sit and think. On the 3rd of this month, it had been 18 months since I lost my son, Zach. For those of you who are new to this group, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish that we would never have to have new members, I don't wish this pain on any one. I will say that most days for me have gotten a little easier, though it seems like the last week or so I have been having some hard days again. Not really sure why, but I am remembering times with Zach growing up and having some regrets. I have three daughters also, and I just had a different relationship with Zach them I have with them. I didn't have a whole lot in common with Zach, but as he was getting older we were getting closer. I regret that we weren't as close or did as much together as I did with my daughters. The other night I just lay in bed and cried feeling so sad that I didn't do more with him than I did. Does anyone else ever have those feelings. I am sad that just when we were beginning to spend more time together, that is when I lost him. I miss him so very much, and wish I could just give him one more big hug and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I have to believe that some day I will see him again or I would go crazy. Sending prayers and hugs to all.

18 months  goneand I am now facing Gabriels 18 birthday, This is not my life and every day i get up to go to work and i am the walking numb, I dream about  his beautiful face almost every night and wake up crying. It seems that after an okay day the next is so very sad and physically painful, I never knew such sadness could be so physically painful

Robin wrote "I will say that most days for me have gotten a little easier, though it seems like the last week or so I have been having some hard days again. Not really sure why,"

I ask myself the same question and I can only believe that we will always have those harder periods.  I know I may go a few days feeling okay and think to myself that it is finally getting easier and then it just hits again.

Anyone else feel this way?

Hugs & blessings to all.

(Mom of Chas 7/14/2010)

Hi Toni, so sorry, I know exactly what you mean about the physical pain. This part of life is the ugly side.....so awful. There is no emotional/physical pain that could ever compare to this. Sending hugs to all.

hello,

I am new here and lost my 6 year old daughter last Feb 20, 2013. I lost my only daughter who's not been sick, she left to school very happy but she wasn't able to come home alive, instead she came home dead. From her classroom she was rushed to the hospital, but before that she was scolded by her teacher and been called "ugly" which made my daughter so hurt, in which after that she was crying, then eventually faint out but only the nanny notice. If the nanny wasn't arrived at the classroom, my daughter will die inside the classroom.

So much pain we are having right now.

Oh my dear Jing!!!!! Soooo sorry. That's horrible!!!! It's so hard to say WELCOME to such a club because it's not a place where any of us would volunteer to belong to but I do say welcome to a group that totally understands what you are going through. I know that pain and anger that you are feeling. There is NOTHING worse than this...NOTHING! There are no comforting words, I just hope you continue to join us or just read the postings. Absolutely no one will judge your thoughts or feelings here. This group has helped prevent me from ending my own life because I know that unfortunately I am not alone, I have managed to avoid a psychiatric admission. It is vital for me to have my feelings validated. Sending you hugs.

Here is a poem for all new members.

Unless you've lost a child.......then 
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it. 
A part of us died with our child. 
Don't tell us they are in a better place. 
They are not here with us, where they belong. 
Don't say at least they are not suffering. 
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all. 
Don't tell us at least we have other children. 
Which of your children would you have sacrificed? 
Don't ask us if we feel better. 
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up. 
Don't force your beliefs on us. 
Not all of us have the same faith. 
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years. 
What year would you choose for your child to die? 
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear. 
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else. 
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain. 
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child. 
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things. 
Don't take our anger personally. 
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us. 
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room. 
We are in pain, but not deaf. 
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss. 
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us. 
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away. 
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others. 
Don't tell us to get on with our lives. 
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame. 
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar. 
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying 
that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those 
tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry. 
Do put your arms around us and hold us. 
We need your strength to get us through each day. 
Do say you remember our child, if you do. 
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them. 
Do let us talk about our child. 
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever. 
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings. 
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process. 
Cry with us if you want to. 
Do remember us on special dates. 
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are 
a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child. 
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child. 
We do. 
Do show our family that you care. 
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain. 
Do be thankful for children. 
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain. 

Thank you Karen, all there in black and white. So many people said and did things  after Gabriel died out of shock i guess, or they avoided me all together.

Hello evryone. I am sending you all love and hugs because I know how bad it hurts and how it seems no one around you really gets it.  Toni, I too am facing my son's 18th birthday which would have been March 31st. We are supposed to be shopping for his first car, he was going to graduate and despite hellish medical issues he had to endure, he was doing it and getting better. Then he became a victim as someone made a wreckless and dealy decision while driving. It was a friend of his who still wom't take responsibility. Now he has finally been charged with manslaughter. Instead of celebrating Daniel's birthday we will be going to court next week in this case. I am heart sick for ALL of his friends involved - 2 boys survived the accident. His girlfriend is also devastated. His best friend full of guilt for not being able to be there with him that night like they had planned. And I know what you mean - I am trying to meet my responsibilities while being in gut wrenching pain all the time. I wake up crying and go to sleep crying. Last might I dreamed I had him back as a baby.  I was holding him saying "he's not dead yet, I have him right here." As a Mom we have those physical memories of the child birth. I feel in my body, heart and soul those feelings I had when I was going to be having a new baby any day. And today is one of those days I wonder how I will get through again. Just like someone else said - for me it is getting harder and harder. It has only been 3 months and I feel like my mind hasn't let me accept this tragedy still. And sometimes reality shoots through to the heart and POW. we are planting a tree in his honor in a couple of weeks and I have to go get the stone to have engraved today. I guess it's true if it's written in stone.....I miss you so much my beautiful beautiful baby. I'm sure you light up heaven even more. Hugs to all of you.

Hugs {{{{{Connie}}}}}.  My heart aches for you today.  I can't imagine the extra pain of having to pick a stone and find the words to engrave.  We have our son's ashes with us.  I don't know if I will ever be able to let them go.  I don't know that extra pain those that have done this have gone through but I'm sure it takes so much inner strength and I can't do it.

My heart goes out to Jing also.  I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.  ♥

Thinking of you all and sending love.

(Mom of Chas 7/14/2010)

I've just been looking through old posts.  I thought of someone yesterday that was here in our group and, of course, I can't remember her name.  I can't get her out of my mind and don't want to post too much info, but one thing that would be known to her is that her son had asked for a cigarette.  If you are still here, but not posting, would you let me know.

I realized that there are so many that have come and gone as I looked back at the posts.  I hope all are coping.  This group says 235 members, but it seems as only a small number have remained since I came here.

Just thinking some of my off the wall thoughts today.  

Hugs to all!  ❤

Hugs to all as well.

Hi again and sending hugs & blessings to all.

Adrianne, do you remember her name?  

Do all of you think of your child/children throughout the day?  Do you think we will always do this every day?

Sometimes in my selfish way, I wish I could forget, as one thought will eventually lead to a negative thought and I have to tell myself to think of something else or to do something to get my mind off of it.  

Sorry, I just have had so many random thoughts lately.

(Mom of Chas 7/14/2010)

i think of my son non stop. it's so hard to move on. it's been almost 5 weeks. I haven't been back to work. i feel like i don't want to go on. everyone else has moved on with their life. I talked to a pastor Monday that did not help me. i just lay on couch all day and cry wishing things were different n wake up from this nightmare.

Michelle, forgive me for saying this, but you are like a baby in your grief. You have just been born to it.  Five weeks is just as if it's happened right now.  It's too fresh.  Just keep doing as you need to grieve, but try to take care of yourself as best you can.  It's a long journey, but it won't always be as it is.  I am so sorry.   ♥

 (Mom of Chas 7/14/2010)

Hi Ammy, yes, I think of my son all day everyday, sometimes when I feel like my breakdown is coming, I convince myself that I hear my son saying" come on MOM, I feel really sad seeing you like this" and I imagine that he is rubbing my back or hugging me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. My son not being here is still unimaginable to me.

Hi... it was May 2009 when I lost Niles.... April 17 he would be 18.... instead he will always be 14.  It does get softer but you will always flash back to the life with him then think about life now....how do we survive?

Just breathe in then out... repeat..... and cry.... I still cry....

As a mother we give birth and this Life has come from our body...now now our heart will always have a hole that will never be filled .... but maybe a scab....  PEACE

Hi... it was May 2009 when I lost Niles.... April 17 he would be 18.... instead he will always be 14.  It does get softer but you will always flash back to the life with him then think about life now....how do we survive?

Just breathe in then out... repeat..... and cry.... I still cry....

As a mother we give birth and this Life has come from our body...now now our heart will always have a hole that will never be filled .... but maybe a scab....  PEACE

Tomorrow will be 2 months since my son died, he was 23. I never knew I could miss someone so much. And it seems like people...co-workers,friends and even relatives don't even mention him any more. My heart hurts so much. All I want is him back. It seemes like no one understands that this is the worst pain in the world. It's not the way the world is soppose to work. I was soppose to go before him and I so wish I could trade places with him. His memory consumes my every thought, I miss him so much.

Hi Shelley, I understand! So sorry. I want my son back right NOW!!! My 21 yr old son passe away in October 2009....still hate to count the days, weeks, months and now the years....seems unreal. I know how you feel when it seems like people are forgetting your child. Just hold onto that your son is so much more than a mere memory....he is STILL your son and you will be always be his mom. I wish I could have traded places with my son also. Sending you hugs.

Hi Karen, Thank you... I needed to hear what you said. This is so hard and the people that said they would always be there aren't. I am also very sorry about your son. It's so unfair and I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I see kids his age and I think why mine? why can't mine still be here? (((hugs))) to you too.

Well it has now been five months since our baby Joe was killed in the auto accident and tomorrow 3/23 is his 28th birthday. This week has been really hard because he is not here to aggervate me about what I am getting him for his birthday. I miss him more everday that passes. I still do not know why this had to happen and I never will. The only thing I have to look forward too is getting old and maybe just maybe I will go senile so I will not remember anything and this pain I have in my heart will hurt less or I will forget why it hurts so badly. 

Hi Shirlee, happy birthday to your son, I know how hard birthdays are.

Last night I dreamed I was holding his hand.... as a small child... then as I started to awake...my hand was empty.....  Holidays ,  anniversaies, and birthdays are always hard.... like I said.... In my mind he will always be 14 and the same as he was when he died..... even now when I see his classmates who have grown.... it amazes me when I see that they have grown.... and time stands still for me sometimes.