Hey Robin, I know how you are feeling, I too have not posted in awhile. Some times it really is just too much. Sorry for the conflict, I hope something can be worked out. Always honor your baby, he will always be your son and you will always be his mom.

Dear Rachael,

Sorry you became a member of this group....  I lost my 14 year old son in MAY 2009.....  I lost my first husband in 1983.

No one can imagine the pain ....our brains can not imagine. this....

I hope you can find some comfort here in knowing that we have lived this pain too....

Robin- something we did for Ivy's anniversary was a memorial. We sent out invitations and wrote that if they could not make it and wanted to participate, they could send up balloons with notes on the anniversary. We also have family that is very scattered- Kentucky, Illinois, Nevada, California.

Hello to all, really need to vent before I explode and wither away! I am in more pain then usual..... I feel like I helped kill my son!!!!! My quilt is really doing me in!!!! I feel like I terminated my son's life support only aided in his demise. Why didn't I give him more time?!!!!! He must hate me!!!!! I hate myself!!!!!!!! It was only a week, "they" said that he was brain'dead'!!! Why didn't I give him a chance to recover?!!!!!!!!! I met a lady in the hair salon and she told me that she had a nephew that had been in a severe motorcycle accident and his injuries and intervention were almost identical to my son's....Traumatic Brain Injury, with severe swelling, coma, life support, removal of section of skull to help relieve swelling, no hope for recovery and he survived and barely has NO residuals!!!!!!!! His family did NOT terminate his life support which he was on for a month!!!! How could I be so stupid?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like she confirmed to me that I used poor judgement. Oh my God, will my 21 yr old son ever forgive me, I'm dying inside!!!!! Thanks for listening, I can't talk to anyone else about this, it's been tormenting me for awhile but it's like she confirmed my fears. Please, is there anyone else that has had similar thoughts or regrets. Why can't I feel like I did the "right" thing.

Karen- one thing I learned from going to support group is that guilt is an added step in the grieving process when its a child. I went through the whole guilt thing and to be honest, I don't know if I will ever be able to let it go completely. We also had to take our daughter off of lifesupport, although I never really questioned that decision. The doctor made it very clear to us that there was no hope. As painful as it has been, you did the right thing. None of us are doubting you as a mom because we have all been there.

Karen ... my son was declared brain dead in Wisconsin..... after that the doctors WILL shut off life supports.... there is really no choice.... except to keep the life supports on for Organ Donation.... Our son was an organ donor.   We left the room and the hospital with my son laying in the bed looking the same as he did before they pronounced brain death.... I still have flashbacks of leaving my baby there.... and I nightmares of the organ procurement operation... and even the cremation process!  I look at his photographs and can not believe he is ashes in a box in the dresser next to my bed.   I can't relate this pain to anyone else (In my normal friend world) because the images that are in my mind are horrible.)

So I guess what I am saying is you really did NOT kill your son.... he was brain dead.   I know when we hear stories like you just heard about those other people .... we think why couldn't WE have that Happy story in our situation?!  

PEACE   Take Care that you did what happened in Your Situation.

This is why I believe that many of us live with Post Tramatic Stress....

Those moves just play over and over in my brain... and even though I am typing this here... I just can not even talk to anyone about it...because the images are so graphic in my mind... I am sure my friends just could not handle this emotion at all...   I don't think anyone outside this group could ever allow thier brain to absorb the images that I live with daily.... we just put on our "Happy" "Normal" Face for the rest of the world.... because we know they really don't want to see what is really in our hearts and minds.....

Thanks my friends, it's just so hard, i feel like i will never be able to pull myself up out of this one and Grace you are so right about the graphic images, its horrible. I am glad that I have never been a person that has used alcohol or any other drugs because I would probably keep myself intoxicated to deal with my pain.

Karen... we are all here because we did not get the Happy ending that the lady told you happened with the motorcycle accident that she had.... sometimes I get angry that THEY got what they wanted.... why did GOD not give us that?  What did we do soooo wrong that we are left to live this nightmare?  I have had this even in my family where my cousin had her son survive Cancer..... and some of the things that I hear seem to make me feel that why were they spared?  (Although I am glad they are spared) I am jealous that it was not me.... or my son....     makes me angry   then feeling guilty that I feel so damned by GOD?   try to find PEACE Karen.... I still search for it.... somedays I have some others I feel like you do tonight.... This is such a hard time... I remember our member Sandy about a year a go who took her life... the photo of her kissing her daughter goodbye.... as I did my son... as many of us have ...... We just need to hang in there together and scream and survive..... PEACE

Thank you Grace. It's so much easier to express my feelings to you guys, I would be even more lost without this group. I think of Sandy also, so tragic but I do understand her pain all too well. Thanks for all the support.

Hi everyone. I went into a funk after Danny's birthday. I am OK now, just the holidays just don't have the sparkle any longer.

I wish everyone the best for the holidays. 

Compassionate Friends will have their worldwide candle lighting rememberance tomorrow. You will be able to light a candle for your child; you need not be a member. You can find a chapter by using the internet. Light one for Danny, if you don't mind.

Danny would have been 29.

Hi Everyone, sorry I have not been on for a while but it doesn't mean I don't think and pray for all of us, especially during the holiday season. I can't believe that this will be the second year not having Zach with us. His birthday is coming up on the 16th, he would have been 25. I think in a lot of ways this year is even harder than last year. Last year  we were still in shock, this year everything points to the fact that he is never coming back. We decided not to have anything formal at our house this year for Zach's birthday, at least not on the actual day. All our daugthers aren't able to make it home that day, so instead we might just wait until when they are all here for our Christmas. This year it is going to be even more different because my husband has to work Christmas day so we are going to wait until the 30th when every one can be off work to have our family Christmas. Some days I can't help but think about how much every one in our family's lives have changed. How it always seems so emotionally charged when we are together. People will tell me how wonderful our family is, and how close we all are, but they don't know that there is still anger. Not with each other, but sometimes we just lash out at each other because thats what we do, lash out at those closest to us. My daugthers are all grieving different, one wants to talk about Zach and her feelings. The middle one will talk about Zach but not her feelings and the youngest, who was probably closest to Zach, just really doesn't want to do either unless it is through a text message. I continue to go to Compassionate Friends, but that only meets once a month, but it does seem to help me. That is my time when I can talk about Zach, take my mask off and just let the emotions go with people who understand. I will definitely be lighting a candle tomorrow night for Zach and thinking of all of you and your children. Prayers and hugs for us all. God bless.

I will light a candle tomorrow for all of our children.

Me too.  I will light a candle for all of our beautiful children and pray that we find some peace this Christmas.  I am finding the second year to be harder than the first year as  well. 

compassionate friends does a candle lighting close by to where I live; it is such an emotional evening. I am planning on going tomorrow night. Today I went to a funeral service of one of my son Sy's friend's; the young man was only 36 & had a heart attack in his sleep.  The look in his mama's eyes said it all ~ too familiar.  I am exhausted, far more than I thought I would be.  This doesn't get easier, and I am glad to have this site to come to share whatever is on my mind without having to pretend or worry about what others will think. 

I will light a candle. We have moved so we don't live in an area with Compassionate Friends. We went to the ceremony last year and I wish we could make it again. It was so nice to have the support and people who understand.

 had Danny come to me in a dream the other night. I thought is was real, every day lifr; then I woke. I was sad it was not real. I would really like to go back to the dream.

I was just going to get out the candles for tonight, and here I am.  I forgot.  Will do it as soon as I finish this.

Dick, I also had a dream of my son two nights ago.  Haven't had one of him in over a year.  I love it when I dream of him.  He really looked good in the dream, but it was too short.  At least what I remember was short.  He came up to me and hugged me and said thank you mom.  That was it, but that hug was real and I can still feel it.

If dreams are all I can have of him while I'm still here I will take them.  I had prayed really hard for a couple of nights that God would bring him to me and I feel He answered my prayer.  A moment of peace, and like you Dick, I wish I could go back to the dream.

Has anyone else had comforting dreams of their child?

Wishing you all strength, love, and peace for the holidays.

I lit three candles tonight, one in memory of my Zach, one for my nephew, Will, and one for all my friends who are grieving the loss of a child or loved one. I am so jealous of you all that have had dreams. I have only had one dream that I remember of Zach, and it was him telling me that the accident really didn't happen. It made me sad when I woke up because of course, it did happen. Maybe if I pray God will send him to me in my dreams. Hugs to you friends.

I lit a candle last night for Ivy and all who have lost children. Robin- last night I had a dream that one of my twins stopped breathing(that's what happened to Ivy, I found her unconscious). It has been such a fear of mine since we lost Ivy. It was surreal how healthy my little girl was one day and the next fighting for her life. I still think about how fast she went and it is really scary.

I lost my son unexpectly 1 month ago. I never new this much hurt excisted. My husband tells me to "get over it". He is not Roberts dad. I'm hurt by my loss, and the lack of lack of empathy. I do not sit around and cry. I work and have a strong faith. I'm just hurting. 

Dear Marianne, I am so, so sorry for your tremendous loss. I know your pain all too well, for I am still suffering from the loss of my 21 yr old son. This is a INvoluntary club membership. There are no comforting words to offer. The only thing I can tell you is we all "get it" here....unfortunately. My pain has not eased but I don't where I would be without this site and I am sure there are others like this. Its so important to have your feelings validated and judged or criticized.  Please read through some of the postings. In a perfect world, we would never come to know this pain.  Many hugs to you.

Marianne- I'm so sorry for your loss and the lack of empathy from your husband. You are welcome to vent here anytime you need. It's only been a month for you- for me it has been a year and two months. I remember that horrible time. Do your best to take care of yourself.

Marianne....I am so sorry for your loss and for your husband's coldness...I understand as I went through the same thing..except I was told one week later that he was tired of hearing it and "Oh what this again".....he also was not her father...we were only married 2 -3 years...I don't even remember...and I left him for a year...to grieve my daughter...who knew it would take me ten years to be somewhat normal...it's now 15 years and somedays it's as if it was yesterdy...my husband died from an extremely painful cancer 2 years ago on my deceased daughter's birthday and was calling her name for 2 days before he passed and reaching his arm out...I know she came for him...and forgave him...so I had to...not that this helps ..but I wanted to make sure you knew in all aspects you are never alone here....

Adrianne......Amen...I can't even watch it anymore....so sad..so horrible.......

Happy birthday to my beautiful son.

Sophiall.- I agree about the mentally ill. I know that anyone who can do this is mentally ill. Any normal human could never do something like this. And while he is probably the most hated man in America, I can guarantee he was not a happy man. Another thing- I am grateful that my daughter died in her sleep compared to a tragedy like this. I can't imagine knowing that someone intentionally hurt her. I think you have to always forgive, but that does not mean its easy. As we all know, these parents have such a long road ahead of them.  And Sopia- you are so right about it being against the laws of nature to have a child that dies before you. I've been trying to wrap my head around this concept ever since Ivy died. It's just not right.

I was able to talk of him today without tearing up ... when asked if my grand daughter was my only one and  i said yes till my younger son has another.. when asked if my other child did not want more I was able to say that it was not the case that he had passed away on thanksgiving... I miss him and wish he was here with me and his adorable daughter

Danny came to me in another dream lately. I wish he would talk in the dreams. It just seems like everyday used to be before he left.

 I lost it the other day listening to Bohemian Rhapsody. He is talking to his mother before he dies. I have never cried to a song other than Daniel by Elton John.

The month of December is a particularly hard month for us all. Zach's birthday would have been on the 16th, he would have been 25. Last year we had an oyster roast and had all his friends here, this year we decided to just be my husband, daughter and myself. My other two daughters live out of town now, so didn't really want to do much if they could be here. I don't know what is the right answer, neither brought him back. We spent the day quietly, husband and I went to church, then I went for a bike ride (Zach loved to ride bikes) and then I made his favorite dinner for the three of us. I don't know if it has been the case with others, but this being the second Christmas without him, has been in a lot some ways harder. It will just hit me out of nowhere, and I will begin to cry. I have had two friends who within the last few months lost their daughters in car accidents and then this  horrible tragedy in CT. I know it has been hard enough for me having lost Zach at the age of 23. I am fortunate that he was with friends and having a great time, these children were taken so brutally and way too early. My grand daughter is the same age as those adorable little children, I can't even imagine. My prayers are with all those who are suffering from the loss of any loved one. One day at a time, one second at a time. Hugs.

Our second Christmas as well. Not easy.

Same for me.  It's my 2nd Christmas without my son and it's even harder than the first :-(  Missing him so much.

Marianne, this is mainly for you.  I didn't plan on posting anything today, but I try and keep up with the posts.

I don't know the laws in your state and if your granddaughter lives in the same state, but here in PA, we as grandparents of a deceased child have rights to our granddaughter (his child).  We had to petition the court and went before a conciliator and received partial physical custody.  Her mom can no longer keep her from us.  Check out the laws in your state.  You can probably find information online.  I did almost everything myself without having to hire an attorney.

I have been doing almost everything myself concerning my son's death as our local police and the coroner just blew it off.  I have the doctor being investigated and occasionally in touch with the coroner, and the last time we talked with him he decided to ask the D.A. to reopen and look into the case.

It's very hard, but if I don't do it, who will?  My one daughter has been helping me with all of this and I'm so grateful she has been here for me, but she knows they all messed up in the beginning.  If you want something done you have to keep after them.  

I hope you are able to find a way to see your son's daughter.  

This will be our 3rd Christmas and I am finding this one harder than last, but a lot has been going on in our family and that may be contributing to it.

Blessings to you all, and as I have already told Adrianne, I am wishing you all a peaceful holiday, with moments of happiness right beside the moments of sorrow.

PEACE....  let's not worry about "Merry"  let's just have PEACE and make our SOULS  STILL..... enjoy the inner quiet and PEACE..... let's not take on the stress of "Merry".....  I wish for all of us PEACE and WARMTH and LOVE   to get us through the SEASON......  Be Still Our Souls.... PEACE

I like what you said Grace, not to worry about the Merry but to hopefully find some peace. It was a very different Christmas today. My husband had to work, and only one of my daughters could be here today. We decided not to do our Christmas until my other daughters and granddaughters could be here. It was too much change in a year, missed all my loved ones so much. Another loss a few days ago, a friend lost her 24 year old son in a car accident. This will be the third loss of a child in the last three to four months. My heart aches for all those just beginning this nightmare. Holding them and all of us in prayer. Hugs.

Greetings everyone. I have been very quiet lately but I do occasionally check in and read the postings. Sometimes its too much for me emotionally for me to comment...as it confirms that I am a member of such a group :(

A big part of me still tries to convince the "other me" that my son is fine, this was all just a nightmare that I couldn't wake up out of and he will be walking through my door any minute yelling " mom, it's me!". I couldn't fine any uplifting or encouraging words to post during these holidays, especially New Year's because it reminds me like a hard, cold slap in my face that my son is gone yet another year. The sun is still rising and setting, the world is going on as if my son never existed and it gets me angry and deepens my sadness. I don't know how to be cheerful during these holidays, I've learned to be a good actress so I don't ruin anyone else's happy moments. No one wants to be around a miserable person, they get tired of it and will only try to avoid them.

For those of you that are in that "place", the place where you have peace and acceptance, I am happy for you and envy you. I do have some BETTER days, they are not all bad but nights have become fierce because once I go to bed and have no more distractions, the overwhelming sadness and anger sets in deep.

Once again, thanks for listening.

Karen & Michelle I know what you are talking about.  The variety of emotions, thoughts, and anguish just goes in a vicious circle.

I know this time of year is very hard on many of us.  Our hearts ache for our children.  Depression can be worse, feelings of loneliness and emptiness also are there, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing we can do about it.

I wanted to ask if any of you have seen another person that resembles your child so much that you can't believe it.  The weirdest thing happened today.  I had to go to the hospital for a couple of tests and after I decided to go up the street from there to a little meat market to get some cold cuts (lunch meat, cheese).  I now think why did I think of going there.  When I was checking out there was a man about 4 people ahead of me and when he turned I thought it was my son.  Then I started looking at the way he was dressed and it was identical to the way my son would have been dressed.  Only his hair was longer, but he had the mustache and chin beard.  His nose was slightly different, but his eyes were my son's eyes.  I just kept staring and taking it all in.  I tried to see where he went when he left because I really think I would have gone up to him.  The woman in front saw me looking when I kept trying to see where he was going and asked if I wanted to go ahead of her.  She thought someone was waiting for me and probably saw the tears in my eyes.  I feel like I'm crazy.  Have you had this happen to you?  This is the second time it has happened to me and yet, I know it was not the same person I saw the first time.

Maybe I'm just becoming delusional.

Hey Ammy, that has happened to me many times. I find myself becoming fixated on certain people that I convince myself looks exactly like my son. I have even gotten angry at my children that don't agree that the person looks like him. After all this time, I still find myself searching for my son, especially when I'm out driving. It makes me feel crazy.

Thanks for the hugs, I totally understand.

Hello to all of you. Another holiday season gone by and I am sadder than ever. I haven't actually been depressed, at least I haven't felt I was depressed - just sad, until now. The experience of grief is such a roller coaster ride, up & down & around. It comes in waves and it can just hit as if I've walked full speed into a concrete wall -Im stunned and dazed. I have moments of "is this real", even 14 months later. My living son, he's 20 yrs old, is going through a rough time. He was the last person to speak to Jimmy before he died and he's been going through 'changes (if you will), nothing too bad but I'm worried about him. I don't want this to be happening- Jimmy dead and my other son struggling with life. It is natural to go through this stuff at his age but losing Jimmy has thrown us all off. I'm looking for work, still, had a couple of interviews and have to make up reasons I've been out of work for a year now, because I can't/don't want to or know if its appropriate to come out & say my oldest child died and I needed some time to grieve!!  I just say I relocated, which is true but not the real reason. Money worries along with all the rest of this nightmare come true is almost too much at times. I find myself thinking I would like to see Jimmy - kill myself, but I wouldn't only because I couldn't put my 2 kids through that. If I didn't have them I would have no reason to live, thank God I do!

It's been a while since I wrote here and I'm grateful for having this site to vent on - Lord knows I have nowhere else to do so. Hope you all are as well as can be expected. Bless you all.