I think we are already going through the worse possible pain in our lives.  What can life hand us that can cause as much pain.  Nothing in my life even slightly compares to lossing my son.  I think we are the strongest warriors, just to be able to make it each and everyday. Here we are writing to eachother, reaching out for support how brave are we.  

Support groups, I have done Compassionate Friends. It has not helped me much. I have found a general support group at the Methodist Hospital and it work for me much better. 

I totally hear you Michele.... I am awake at 6:30 Saturday and on this site.... dreaming of my Niles.... maybe more like flash backs of him getting out of the car at the hospital before his death.... the movie replays all the time in my sleep times.  It has been 3  1/2 years and I think like you Michele that many don't understand so I just live quietly in this pain.... because it does seem like they have forgotten and have moved on.... to some extent I have too moved on into this new life... but the movies still play on.... memories that keep me awake... yet memories I never want to forget.

The support group I went to was Compassionate Friends and they were great and very understanding. I totally relate to you Grace- there are times I don't tell people because I don't think they'll understand or won't care or I don't want to burden others or I think it will be too uncomfortable. Have you gotten on meds? Flashbacks are a symptom of ptsd. I just recently got off mine. I wasn't sure about it at first, but looking back I am grateful for them.

No I have not used meds.... think it is normal to feel.... no matter how hard it is.... yes I do believe I have PTSD..... but At least some of the flash backs have gotten more tolerable..... I used to have dreams about the organ harvest and leaving my boy at the hospital in that bed.... before he was taken to surgery..... that was very aweful... could never even talk about that vision...  now  this morning I just saw him getting from the car to the gurney,,,, to go into the hospital.... somedays I think he would have still been here if we would not have brought him to the hospital where they gave him that drug that he was allergic to....  should of could of would ofs.....

I don't think anyone could really handle what goes on inside my brain right now... so as I said I live in this quiet pain....  it is uncomfortable for others to imagine this hell...

Well- I had flashbacks for the first month or two. I had found my daughter unconscious and given her CPR- so I had flashbacks of finding her and then watching her die after we had taken her off lifesupport. I went on meds a month and a half later. I had gone to my doctor for bronchitis. I hate going to the doctor- lol. My flashbacks weren't really flashbacks as you would see in a movie- it was more that I would play the events over and over in my mind and couldn't stop thinking about it.

Good morning, i had an experience this week that has left me in that dark place.  Tuesday i went to the ortho doctor and i realized every mom in the waiting room was with her son.  I pulled up that blanket of sorrow with the acute profound sorrow of how much i miss my son.  I have not been able to pull it off this week has been so hard.  Its been 71/2 years and i still miss my son every day.  I am a support group facililtator and i understand the tru need for support, and how healing it can be.  I live in the life story not the death story now.  I think it took maybe 4 years to get to that place.  I have resigned myself to my sorrow, but sometimes are harder then others.  I hope we can always be supportive of eachother, we are going to always need it!

Just wanted to say hello.  I didn't realize how long it has been since I was on here.  Had to go back to early October to read the posts.  It is just a never ending story.  Felt for awhile that I was doing better, but the last month has been very depressing.  Haven't been able to get through a day without the tears flowing.  Tried to tell myself it was the change of seasons, but my thoughts are constantly on my son.  Also my daughter had a baby boy on Oct 23 and I think that is making it harder as she is living with us, and I'm always reminded of when my son was born and how it was being a new mom.  I just keep telling myself, 'one day at a time'.  That, and my faith, is the only way I know how to get through this.  I wish you all some moments of peace.  We surely do deserve some.  May you all be blessed in some way that is to your benefit.  I think of you every day and pray for us all.  

Just talked about this in the car with my husband... the flashbacks.... his bright face and smile... I never want to forget him.... yet He is gone and there is nothing I can do to bring him back.... his face is etched in my mind... yet so sad I can not have him back ever again...

I just got back from harvesting on the family farm. It has been a hard day for me today. Usually, Danny was helping with the harvest. I am missing you son. 

I stopped by the family plot with my friend that lent a hand. He is my best friend and understands. It just hurts a lot.

In my minds I still think I can somehow magically bring her back. Or that I will wake up in the morning and find that this has all been a nightmare.

It used to be getting through those "Firsts"  now it is the "Randoms".  Because I have the 4ths and so now my mind just Randomly wanders to memories and flashbacks.....

Good morning all, i look forward to the memory flashes, for me it keeps my son so alive in my mind.   Even when the dark sadness follows, its like the sadness is worth the memory of his existence.  I know we all wish we could awake from this terrible dream and  arechildren would be alive.  But we can't make it not so i intend to treasure the memory of his life.

Jordan's birthday just passed. also yesterday was eleven months since he passed away. i too cannot believe it. i've quit posting depressing things, didn't even mention it yesterday but believe me i was thinking of him all day long.. had my first dream of him being alive last week. I too look forward to the memories passing through my mind. Sometimes i cannot even hanle those without losing it. thankful for this site. no one else has to listen to me. i have all of you. very thankful for you all

The Holidays are here and all i can think is how much i have grown to hate them.  Even though i get to see my other children it's just one more year without my son and one more year that his children don't have their father with them.  It only gets harder for me to see my son's children growing up without the knowledge of how much their father loved them and wanted them.  I just hope that in time i will get to tell them.

Happy Birthday Danny,

http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/video/daniel-my-son-you-will-alwa...

Little something I would like to share.

Since my son died in 2005 i had stopped celebrating any holiday.  But this year at thanksgiving all my other kids will be coming over for dinner.  I had always enjoyed cooking for the children, so i am trying to put my brave self forward and try to enjoy seeing everyone.  how i will miss my son he always appreciated my cooking so.

I love holidays. This year we have a bigger house so I am doing a tree in her honor. Also, last year instead of gifts for her, we bought gifts for a family in her name. I think I will be okay as long as I keep myself busy. This time last year, her death was very fresh so it was a lot more difficult. Does anyone else have any holiday traditions for their son/daughter.

My son loved wolves.  Last year I bought a wolf ornament to place on the tree in his memory.  This year I hope to find a different wolf ornament to add.

We all have the "Would have, Could Have, Should Haves"..... no body can beat us up more as a parent than ourselves....... And more than 3 1/2 years I still have them and the movie in my brain..... in sleep as i drive.... it does get better and we learn how to put our happy masks on and get through the holidays and Birthdays....... The more you reherse..... be better the performance.....  it is our new way to navigate around those that have not had our experience.

So very true Grace!  Peace and hugs to all of us with the holidays approaching.

Michelle W- one thing I learned from going to my support group is that when you lose a child, an added step in the grieving process is guilt. Because you feel responsible for the well being of your child. I think I have been able to let go of a lot of my guilt, but I don't think I will ever let go of all of it.

I made it through the first year anniversary of Jimmy's death, 11/13, I tried not to put too much thought into it beforehand. I was ok the day before - despite all the other drama going on, with having to pack to move - but the morning of I woke up and immediately started crying. I had an appointment and as i said was packing to move so I was busy, none the less I was extremely sad the entire day. I went to my ex-husbands and visited with him as well as my son Shane. We spoke of Jimmy and some of the good & bad times. He is so missed by all of us. I was comforted by a few cards I recieved from friends/family as well as postings on Facebook recognizing his life and our (everyones) loss. His friends loved & miss him, to know he was loved and is missed gives me a certain amount of comfort. There are still moments when I almost forget he's gone - I ache for him & continue to wish this was just a bad dream at times. But the reality is he's moved on and I'm beginning to accept he is in a good place, although I will never accept that he is in a 'better place'. I believe every 22 year old should be alive and just beginning their lives, but unfortunately not Jimmy and not many of our children.

With the holidays coming I've been taking it as it comes. I luckily found a new apartment, at the last moment (just before Thanksgiving & then Christmas). My hurt & anger toward my friend has intensified. How she could be so angry at me at all, let alone at this time, is beyond me. She ironically gave me a condolences card on the anniversary of Jimmy's death which i think was more for her conscience than anything else. I am very sad bordering on depressed and I need to find a job ASAP. I'll be going out of state to be with family Thanksgiving. Christmas is up in the air, it seems better to just take it as it comes. If I make plans & then as the day approached feel uncomfortable with those plans this only creates more tension.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

This year is my son's second year of his birthday and holidays since he passed.  Since he loved his lab dogs so much, whom we still have as a part of our family, I'm going to donate to a lab rescue in Nate's memory as birthday and Christmas gifts.  Also to a local mission for the homeless, our local animal shelter, and a wildlife rehabilitation center.  Nathan loved his dogs and the great outdoors so much that I can't think of a better way to honor his memory.  I will also bake his favorite cake- angel food- for his birthday.  Love and miss him every moment of every day, and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier...

Nancy, great idea! In my son Kevins journal, he had written "Nothing is more comfortable then being so compleatly yourself." We had that put on the back of t-shirts. We are all going to wear them to Thanksgiving. Today I am going to tell you all what you already know....this hurts so bad. Tomorrow, for my boys, I am going to smile. Oh, we will cry for a bit, but, like I have said since his death in January, 'Here I am and forward I will go.'

almost a year, i cant believe it.

have the best Thanksgiving you can. God Bless.

Kitty you have such a great attitude. One thing I keep telling myself is that Ivy would not want us to be miserable. She would want us to be happy. Yesterday I put up a tree for her. I got some picture frames from the Dollar Store and put glitter on them and hung them up. One of Ivy's favorite things were her glitter shoes.

Hello to all, just checking in to say hello, haven't been on, just not feeling up to it, I feel like my sadness is escalating and the holiday season isn't helping. I just want my son and my life back, will NEVER accept this for my reality. My heart is with you all.

Hello to all, just checking in to say hello, haven't been on, just not feeling up to it, I feel like my sadness is escalating and the holiday season isn't helping. I just want my son and my life back, will NEVER accept this for my reality. My heart is with you all.

Hello to all,  I have learned to take better care of myself during this time.  I have to pace myself when i am around others that don't understand how hard this time is.  When others ask me why i don't decorate or why i don't enjoy the holidays.  I just answer them with this response.  My whole life changed when my son was killed, so now i spend every day learning to cope with that pain.  The holidays have loss the importance the once had.  This seems to work with most, but we all know how many others have opinions.  Please take care of yourselves during this time.

Does anybody else have anxiety about what happened? A couple of times, my daughter Laura has complained about pain in her abdomen, and it turns out that her pants were just too tight. But it really freaks me out because that was the first symptom for Ivy when she got sick- pain in her abdomen.

Michele, Yes, I do. Check into EMDR. If you Google that, you will learn about it. I am doing sessions now. It really helps. What you may be experiencing is PTSD and EMDR helps alleviate that. My grief therapist suggested it to me. Check with your doctor.

God Bless

Kitty

I am so depressed.  Maybe it's knowing that the holiday season is here.  I don't want to think about holidays or celebrating.  I've already told my family I don't think I will be shopping.  I just can't get myself to do it.  I know I need to get something for my son's little girl (4), but I'm hoping to order something online like I did last year. 

The loss of a child completely changes you, you can't just move on as everyone thinks you can.  Expectations from others "to move on" weighs heavily on me, but I am thankful to those that do understand for telling me, "don't ever apologize for grieving, don't ever apologize for your tears, your grief is your own."

My prayers go out each day for those who have lost loved ones, it truly is a tough journey!

Kitty- it has occurred to me that I may have some symptoms of ptsd. I guess I didn't think of the anxiety of having it happen to another child as a symptom.   Ammy- it is so true that the loss of a child changes you. I wouldn't say completely- at least in my case. But I am just not the same person I was before I lost my sweet Ivy. Losing a child is unlike any other loss. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that my daughter went before me. It's just not natural. I lost my mom when I was 20 and though I wish she could have stayed with us longer, it is the natural order of life that the parents go first. And I bet everyone of us at sometimes has wished that it had been us and not them.

Hello all, give yourself permission to do what you need to do for the holiday's.  I went to las vegas the first two years, because in las vegas it stays the same and you can't even tell its the holidays.  It was easier for me to go some where no one had any expectations of me.

Hi, I have just joined. Is there a group chat that I could join? I lost my daughter and fiance in January 2012 x

Hi Everyone, it has been awhile since I have posted. I read periodically how everyone is doing. Some days it just seem to take some much out of me to try and talk about my feelings. December 16th will be my son's birthday, This will be the second birthday without him, it brings up so much pain and conflict. None of our entire family live here any more, one daughter in Columbia, one in Rock Hill, the other with her family in Atlanta, It is so hard to try to plan anything for us all to be together,. It is causing conflicts, trying to get everyone  together at one time is near impossible. It is just too hard, and too painful, Don't know what we are going to keep it easy,I;m sure not every one will be able to be there , I just want to sit and think about him, talk about him and wish the impossible things about wanting him back! Causes conflicts within the family,then everyone get upset, it just sucks that it has come to this. love you Zach so very much, I think about you every single day,.Love you son,'

Greetings Rachel, sorry to hear of yet another loss. You can start a blog or discussion or chat. It may help to read some of the postings in this group which is primarily for our children. There maybe some other groups on this site relating to the loss of your fiance. A loss is a loss, that no one can truly measure. There are no rules or guidelines that we must follow. I am still suffering from the loss of my 21yr old son, it has been barely 3 yrs but my pain is as fresh as that dreadful day. it still causes me great pain and anxiety just to think, say, write or type those words....'MY SON PASSED AWAY!" , it should really end with a question mark because I can not believe it or accept it and I don't feel like I ever will. Once again, I am sorry for your losses. ..many hugs to you.

Of course you can still talk about or share your loss of your fiance in this group. I can only imagine how they both have impacted your life.