What sort of store is it Adrianne. Paying attention, where I fall short as well.

This whole experience makes me feel "un-whole". I still ask myself everyday did this all happen. Every night before I get into my bed, I still check the front and back windows to see if he's coming. These things always happen to someone else. I have learned the hard way that anyone can be the "someone else", none of of are exempt but somehow, that fact does not bring comfort or acceptance. I still feel like my son and I have been robbed, I still feel like none of this is fair, I still like I am being unjustly punished. I can't see any good in it, I can't see how any of this makes sense. I don't care that these things just happen, I don't care that I'm told he's in a "better" place, I don't care that we will all meet the same fate. I feel like this life is a cruel joke. If death is so great, why am I in agony, if we MUST pass away, then why can't we all go quietly and painlessly in our sleep at 120 yrs old, I don't care how irrational I may sound. I want my son back.

Thanks for listening...sorry for ranting.

Hello Everyone. I've had 2 very difficult days in a row.  No-one cares what I'm feeling, no-one even gives it a second (or first thought) that I'm mourning my son's death. My Mother has a drinking problem and created all kinds of unneccesary drama for our family yesterday. My "best friend" - which I write tongue in cheek - laid into me about all the ways I've let her down recently. Basicly laughs in my face about my feelings regarding everything and anything. I cannot even begin to understand how or why she would feel justified or even the slightest bit okay to attack me in such a way. She knows, because I've told her, that the 1 year anniversary of my oldest sons death is approaching and I'm feeling down, lost & sad. I had a bad day yesterday dealing with my Mother's problems. Yet, she decides to vent all her frustrations she's been holding in about me today! I'm dumb-founded and hurt. She is the kind of person who has no insight or empathy. I'v cut myself off from her before and I now know that once our business together is finished I will again cut myself off from her.

It is astounding how self centered and thoroghly self involved people are. I am finished believing that we have any true friends in this world. We are lucky if we have one in our lives and I don't have one. I've thought I had but I was soarly mistaken. I'm more sad right now than I have been in a while and it's because of my mother and my friend. Aren't they who are supposed to help you through hard times not make them harder?!?

Sophia... I have experienced exactly what you are talking about.... It hurts when you really need someone to lean on and find that they really are not there or you.  I have had this with all of my siblings and my mother and have had strain on my marriage or 3 years.  I feel like it is expected that I should be strong enough for myself and they feel like I should just "Get Over It:" but I am not and I am really disappointed that the people I thought would be there are not.

If they have not had to experience thisss loss... they just don't get it... but we in this room get it..... Lean On US!   PEACE

Yes Sophia, as Grace said, lean on all of us. I am always willing to listen and I am sorry that people can be so cruel. You have plenty of friends here. Many hugs to you.

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragment &/or sharing your stories with me. I find comfort from you all and at the same time I always think "damn life, why do I have to be on this site at all". But I am, its my (our) reality now and I thankful for you all.

You are more than welcome.

not sure were to start really. lost my baby, Adriana, Feb 2009. she was 6 months and 1 day old. she was born with a serious heart defect, but we were optimistic everything would turn out ok. I loved her from the moment i found out i was pregnant. she died suddenly. just like that. i wanted to die, but life goes on whether you want it to or not. It's been up and down since then. I feel like i am alone in this, no one knows what i go through, how much i still cry and yearn for her. Day to day I focus on trying to be a good mom (to my wonderful, beautiful 2yr old daughter), a good wife, a good person, etc., but my biggest challenge is trying to care about everyday things....like laundry, saving money, eating healthy, work deadlines, etc. It makes me laugh somtimes the thing people stress out about....i want to say come on people WHO CARES! Have the damn cheeseburger, take the vacation, buy the expensive handbag, whatever! Just babbling, i guess :-)

Hello Zelma, I am so sorry for your loss and you are NOT babbling, no one here will ever think that. I am still suffering from the loss of my 21 yr old son. Many hugs to you.

So the pain never stops. Bleh!

I agree with Vicki - Empathy is the capacity to recognize feelings that are being experienced by another being. Someone may need to have a certain amount of empathy before they are able to feel compassion. The problem is that we truly cannot know another person's pain - the pain we feel is what we have felt in our own lives. I had had losses in my life, but when I lost my daughter I learned what pain really was. I was moved to go apologize to every one who had similarly lost a child because I thought I "knew" their pain but wasn't even close. I felt that I had only superficially supported them - I just had no clue the depth of pain. That is when I learned that the sayings "heavy heart" or "pain of heart" or "heartbreak" were not just figurative. You feel each of those physically. I could feel the weight of my own heart in my chest - the pain was coming from my heart and actually hurt - I felt much like the psalmist, “Why are you in despair, O my soul, and why are you boisterous within me? Wait for God, for I shall yet laud him as the grand salvation of my person and as my God.” (Psalm 42:11) God is the only one who can "bring" our children back to us.

Hello to all of you. I've read your recent posts and I feel and agree with all of you. I've lost people close to me before and nothing compares to losing a child. It turns your whole life up side down and twisted round and round, I'm free falling in life right now.

I've been staying with friends for the past 5 months and the agreement always was for me to find my footing and move out in early spring. Now my friend is very upset with me about, honestly, quite trivial things and told me I have to be out by January 1st. I don't know if that's anger talking or if she is really putting this extreme pressure on me right now. I have been unemployed for a year, I worked part time through the summer and am looking for a job in my field with plans to find my own place in spring. I need more support now than ever and I feel so betrayed and alone. It will be just 1 year since Jimmy's death 11/13 and then the holidays come. I am doing everything I can to find a job and move out but to throw this at me just at the very time I need support and understanding the most! I have to worry about having a roof over my head too!!

By the way, my friend somehow read a post I posted on this site referencing her and our disagreement (my personal feelings meant to be read by you all) and she tells her husband who told me. This is creepy to me, I feel invaded, betrayed by the one person I thought had my back. She's said on different occasions that I had time, I'm not bothering her by being here, she understands. Now she is kicking me out because I've let her down, didn't do this or that, etc. I'm just dumb founded - why would she read my personal postings on this one site I am 'allowed' to vent my feelings with others who really, truly understand. It's an invasion and I'm so on edge upon my dealing with the 1 year mark and the holidays. It seems so unfair!

Thanks for listening to me, everyone try to have the best day possible. That's all we can do!

I have missed being on here. It is coming up on 14 months since my son's Zach's accident. I thought by now I would truly be accepting it but I still find myself trying to keep going so I don't have to stop and face it. Since my daughter and granddaughters moved I have started feeling very anxious again all the time. I think before I had them here to keep me busy now its like starting all over again. My heart goes out to all the new parents who are on here, I wish that no one would ever have to endure the pain that we have to experience. I too feel like people think I should have moved on now. Even talking to my sister tonight, explaining to her how my anxieties have returned, I don't feel like she understands though she said she does. She couldn't truly understand. I sometimes feel like it makes people uncomfortable when I bring up Zach's name, but I don't care I will continue to talk about him and remember him. I just wish so badly that I could set the clock back in time, I want him back. Prayers and hugs for all. Robin

I think I can safely say this relates to dads too.  "Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity." ~Author Unknown

Michelle, thanks so much, it always helps when I get on here and you all understand exactly where I am coming from. Lorraine, I couldn't have said it better myself, every word is so very true. I feel like my outside is a mask, I go through the motions of the day, but I am forever changed. I will never be the same again. Nor will my husband or my other children, or grandchildren. All of us on here are forever changed. I miss Zach every single day and would do anything to have him back.Hugs to all.

I was needing a clipper to cut a rough fingernail.... and a vision of Niles popped into my brain.... his sweet face.... his sweet little face.... and blue eyes... I remember how he hated me cutting his nails.... for days now everytime I feel one of my own nails to see if they are smooth.. his face just pops into my brain...  a sweet memory...  yet then my brain flashes the reality that he is gone.... and disbelief is the emotion that rips through me...like it just happened yesterday not 3 1/2 years ago.

wow, I thought I was doing a good job with putting on my "game face" for my daughter's bestie who brought her kids over trick or treating. I quickly hung a jack-o-lantern flag on the front door, lit a couple of halloween candles, and filled bags with goodies.  Then they came in, spiderman who is three & his sister, 7, who was in a devil costume. When they were leaving, I said give me hugs, and called my little devil a witch. Not a big deal, but made me feel so bad that I couldn't keep it together for 5 minutes... shit. This just isn't easy. Good thing I only have two more trick or treaters coming, and they are 2 and 8 months...

Lorraine, what you posted on Monday really speaks to my heart. I am just getting on this site after losing power due to the east coast hurricane, still have no electricity, we just got a generator after searching many stores, so I was anxious to check in with all of my friends here. I hope all are safe.

I just returned home from a trip out of state, it was nice to see family.  When i checked my email, i had an email alert that a new entry was added on my son's guestbook, its nice to know 7 1/2 years later my son is still remembered.  One of my biggest fears was that son would be forgotten.

We can NEVER let our children be forgotten, they all had a life. So nice to hear Crystal that your son is remembered : )

I found out yesterday that a friend of mine 20 year old daughter was killed in a car accident on Sunday. I called her and she asked me how to do this. I just really didn't know what to tell her. I hate that she too has to endure this unbearable pain that we all have. I told her that it just really sucks and that it is going to be hard for a long time. Sometimes just taking it one second at a time. I know prayers are what have helped me be able to get up in the morning and get out of bed, and continue trying to live this life. Forever changed. Knowing how she is feeling now, and how much pain she is going through, brings it crashing back. God how I wish none of us would ever have to go through this. I just want my son back. Prayers for us all, and  especially today for my friend, Nancy and her family. Robin

We are all members of the profound sorrow club.  All we can do is give our understanding and support.  I know that without the support of others i would not have made this far.  Each day brings new challenges, from how many children do you have, to what are you doing for the holidays.  We need ongoing support, which include prayers from all that offer them.

I come on this site regularly... it has been more than 3 1/2 years... You are sooo right Adrianna..... I often think how many of our friends have no idea how in just a second our lives have drstically changed....  I sometimes find that I over speak to them when I see them taking children for granted or passing the parenting role to someone else because it is so hard for them to deal with a teenager.  My son had Autism and was quite a challenge... but I never passed him on to someone else to raise.... and another friend has been luck that her children have had some athletic accidents that have involved head injuries such as concussions and I am like so over protective of their children... because I see that in a split second life could toss this horrible curve ball.  I can see this but they have no clue, because they really can't see what they take for granted..... holidays, school, an even the challenges....until they have lost what we have lost.

Adrianne- that is exactly how I feel. I feel "different" than all of the other parents around me.

Today would have been Ivy's 5th birthday. She died just over a year ago and its hard to believe she would be 5. She was my baby.

This is the only place I don't feel alone.

It's like me know speak a different launguage, that only we can understand.

i keep pictures of my deceased daughter, Adriana, around the house and at work. i also keep pics of my two year old daughter, kendall, at home and at work. they look ALOT alike. those who don't know me well see the pictures at work and say "aw she so adorable" thinking the pics are of the same child. it's been three years and i still can't say it outloud ......"that is a pic of my daughter adriana who is dead" without wanting to throw myself on the floor to cry....

sending love to friends here. it just doesn't get easier. Only longer since I have seen Silas... I go between numb and devastated. 

Today is the day my friend will bury her daughter. My husband talked to her yesterday, and of course as we can all remember, she is barely holding on. She wanted to know if this is all worth it, hanging in there or to just give up. It is so hard to help her see that it does, at least for me and my husband, get a little easier. Not every single second is so painful to breath. I have had days that I have been able to enjoy being with my daughters, granddaugthers and husband, and actually laughed. I didn't ever think that would happen again. I am forever changed, even in those moments, I am thinking of Zach and wish he were there with us. Not going to lie, I still have bad days, where I can just see something or have a thought, and it can all come crashing down around me again. I just have to hold on and know that I have felt that way before, and that I survived it to another day. Prayers for  my friends on this horrific day, and for all of us missing our children. Hugs. Robin

So true Robin.  There are days when we can smile or share a laugh.  But there are days where our world comes crashing down and our hearts breaks into a million pieces all over again.  Sometimes it happens when we're just doing or daily chores around the house and a memory pops up and before we know it, the flood gates are opened and flashbacks come back into the picture.  Sending peace to you all and strenght to go forward in this new world of ours.  Hugs from me.

Yesterday was Ivy's fifth birthday. She died just over a year ago. We didn't do much- just cupcakes and had my bro in law and his family over. I was doing fine until they left. Then it hit me. I started thinking about how much she would have changed in a year.  She'd be in preschool now. It just broke my heart. It was a rough night.

Sorry to everyone for all those rough nights and days, this is all horrible.

I know how you feel Zelma, I can't say that dreaded "D" word. That "D" is equal to d evastation, d epressing. It's a little over 3 years.....wow, how I hate even saying that, that my son passed away and nothing has "gotten BETTER" yet!!! Better?...I don't even know what that means. Not only is my sadness intensifying, my anger is as well. I am still amazed how I survive each day. Somedays my grief and mourning over takes me to the point that I appear like I am having a full body seizure! It's as if my body/soul is trying to shake away the thoughts of my son passing away. Sometimes I get so angry that I try to literally beat the thoughts out of my mind, I truly feel crazy. I will NEVER accept what has happened to my son. I want him back!!!!

it is true, this world is changed and so difficult to find ways to make sense of things and navigate. It is surreal, and yet it is too real. And no one ever tells you how grief takes a physical toll. I have never felt the pressure of an elephant sitting on my heart like I do now with Sy gone. Other health issues keep coming up, it just seems like part of the deal. Karen R., I don't feel like I need to accept Sy's death either. I don't think it works that way for everyone, and resent when others who don't understand talk about needing to accept & move on, and that my son wouldn't want me to be so sad... REALLY? No kidding. Somehow I think our kids understand that this sadness is part of the love we have for them & it is because we miss them so. sending hugs

Hello to all of you. I am going through a "when it rains, it pours" time right now. It is the 1yr anniversary of Jimmy's death 11/13/12. My two living children are both depressed due to this as well as other things. I may be forced to move from a friends home where I've been staying because I am a bad friend and let her down (or so she says).  I realize I haven't been myself the past year but if my oldest child dying isn't reason then what on earth is?!? My living children do not currently live with me and I've been un-employed & fortunately collecting un-employment. I am looking for work in my field and admittedly I put off looking for work a bit due to my sadness and grief. I am literally affraid to sit down and talk with this friend because the last time we did she tore into me like a tornado and I'v been shell shocked ever since! I didn't even really respond to her accusations and opinions at the time because: A. I couldn't believe how angry she was and B. I'm staying in her home and I didn't want to get into a full blown argument. I just let her tear into me and when her young kids came in from outside I got up and went to my room. I've been keeping my space as much as possible for nearly 2 weeks now, but it is ridiculous at this point. The holidays are coming, my kids are going through stuff, I'm looking for work and may have to move much sooner than I planned and my sweet oldest child is dead.  What more??! How much can a person take??! I went to church sunday for the first time in a long time. Not to be selfish and pray for things to go my way but because I went to visit my Grandmother in another state and she asked me to go. I haven't seen her since Jimmy died which was the last time I went to church. I should go more often as I did feel a sense of peace afterward.  I have an appointment with a staffing agency tomorrow (hope for the best). I'm worried about my children. I just want things to smooth over with my friend, even if she wants me out ASAP, as she said 2 weeks ago. We have known each other for 30 years and it would be a shame to have our friendship end. She is hard to please & very hard on people, always has been but I've been able to walk away in the past. Right now I'm about as sensitive, delicate and nervous as I've ever been and ever will be. Why are things so bad and wrong right now? I'm far from perfect & I'm the first to admit it. I'm sure I'm to blame for some things but all of this on top of everything else is nearly too much to bare!

Thanks for listening - thanks for this site!

Sophia, i am so sorry that everything is happening around the anniversary of your son's death.  I felt as if any increase in stress was just too much, especially in the first two years.  I don't handle stress as well as i use to.  Please try to take one  stressfull thing at a time and take care of yourself.  as you have learned we can offer our love to our surviving childern, and sometimes that all we have to give.

Has anyone done a blog? I have- I don't write in it too much. It's mishmashmichele.wordpress.com  .Just if anyone is interested.

Has anyone gone to a support group? We did for a while and then we moved so I haven't been able to find one in my area. That is why I am on here. Seriously, it is not something you can understand until you go through it yourself.

Sophia- I wish I knew you, I would take you in in a heartbeat. You seriously don't need any more stress in your life. You need to really take care of yourself right now- even when you don't feel like it.

I remember when I first went to my support group one of the first things they said was that you shouldn't have any major changes in the first year after your loss. Well, ours was inevitable, and eventhough it has been a positive change its had its challenges. We moved three hours away. The hardest thing for me is telling people about what happened for the first time. I cannot do it without breaking down. So I've just stopped doing it. There is a girl that I have been sitting by in church for about two months now and she had no idea about my daughter. I hope someday I will be able to openly talk about her more. When I went into parent teacher conference a while ago, Laura's teacher started talking about how there was something about Laura that she couldn't put her finger on. She said she acts like those kids that have had a tragedy or trauma in her life. So I started crying and told her bout Ivy. I had wanted to tell her, I thought she should know, but I just couldn't find the words. Last week was Ivy's birthday and Laura cried the whole time she was at school. I am just lucky it was just a half day. The teacher took her aside along with her twin sis and had them make birthday cards for Ivy.

In the past 3 1/2 years.... I have re evaluated who my friends really are.  And in Many cases who my real FAMILY is..... My family has really disappointed me and have been totally absent from my grief.   Many times down right hateful.   Many of my friends have been there but I can feel that they do distance themselves from talking too much about grief..... My husband and I have been through a lot of changes in our relationship.  My other kids are there but leaving the nest.  It is just a very difficult time in all of our lives.   yet.... it is a time when you re-evaluate if these people are really valuable to you.... ,maybe you realise that they really do not have such unconditional love for you afterall.... you start looking at the value system they have.... moral fiber.... and maybe now we find out what they are really truely all about..... and whether we have been disallusioned all the while about our need for a relationship with them.  MAYBE IT IS A TIME WHEN WE FEEL SO SMALL IN THIS UNIVERSE....  good luck Sophia,  I hope that you do find a place of your own...... it will be a gift in the long run.... and it may lead you to peace instead of this addition turmoil that is not worth it.  especially at this time in your life....

Now that I think about it I realize that I shouldn't be this surprised & therefore so hurt. I've always avoided confrontation with her in the past because I've witnessed how she is with others. I just assumed that with such a devastating thing - the death of my child - would allow me to grieve and go through the changes associated with this. I was wrong and now I know, no matter what the circumstances, I cannot be myself or count on anyone.  It hurts and as you said Grace it has forced me to re-evaluate not just my friends and family but also myself and my choices in friends and choices in general. This is all so surreal. My life is changed in such a dramatic way forever and no-one besides those of us who have, so unfortunately, experienced the loss of a child can understand. All of us here on this site understand each other but beside the grief counselor I went to see briefly no-one else does. It is life altering to the extreme. I feel fortunate to have my witts about me at all, I may not have many friends but I have my other children. I'm so sad & hurt but life must go on.

Thanks agian everyone. Wish you all the best.