As a father, my job is to provide and fix things;I can do neither. I will never see Danny get married nor have children, my grandchildren. I just set and think my future has been stolen from me. I never imagined a life as this.

I just go to work during the week, fix thing that is needed on the weekend, and sleep the rest of the time. Sleep is my respite.

I have friends and family that try to talk me into activities, at first they were OK; but now boring.

I guess I am sleeping until the end and it doesn't matter any longer. I no longer have purpose.

Grace, I am so sorry to hear such an awful thing was said to you by your mother, that is really beyond hurtful. And coming from the one u need to turn to most.  Was it perhaps said in her stubborn "old age", not realising the impact of her words?  As for our faith, it is tested to the LIMIT with losing our children. We are angry at G-d, or may reject Him, but yet He puts us in an interesting situation... deep down we know our children are with him, and all we have left for those of our kids who have passed on, is the knowledge and belief that we will be reunited again.  Maybe it's a kind of "quietness" that has set in on us, maybe we don't feel like actively praying or taking part in our religious customs, maybe we are just fragile, very very fragile. It's been 4 and a half years for me. I'm okay, i carry on, for my husband and other 3 children. But the fragility inside is still there, OH SO MUCH still there.

Sophia, i was so sad to hear that you had to hear such words from your father, that your son is in purgatory, waiting to be accepted into heaven. (and that you had to grow up hearing such fearful things).  I do think most religions believe there is a short time of "talking with G-d, where we may look at our life and what we did with it, and what we might regret", and then are at a more peaceful and restful state, but for some reason, I cannot believe at all that your son was in ANY purgatory. Our children, whom G-d called at such a young age, didn't even reach their mature years, in which they could truly make mature decisions, therefore even MORE SO they went to a completely peaceful place immediately. Lots of love, Steph xxx 

Sophia, i was so sad to hear that you had to hear such words from your father, that your son is in purgatory, waiting to be accepted into heaven. (and that you had to grow up hearing such fearful things).  I do think most religions believe there is a short time of "talking with G-d, where we may look at our life and what we did with it, and what we might regret", and then are at a more peaceful and restful state, but for some reason, I cannot believe at all that your son was in ANY purgatory. Our children, whom G-d called at such a young age, didn't even reach their mature years, in which they could truly make mature decisions, therefore even MORE SO they went to a completely peaceful place immediately. Lots of love, Steph xxx 

Dick, sometimes I think that even though so much of our purpose has been taken away from us, we are of value if we think of all of G-d's creations that still need help ...  orphans, special needs children, poor people, lonely people, animals in distress...  think of how many could benefit just from that little bit of love we still have the opportunity to give while here on this earth. think of the puppy mills... those horrible places, a little doggy who might just be waiting for someone like you to come and fetch them, to help them heal, and to love them... x x x

thanks Stephanie for your kind words..... my faith is less than the mustard seed.... I just can't understand why God seems to have forsaken me...  with the family, my first husband died, and my son, What have I done to be tortured?   Dick, I think you have Depression... who wouldn't understand ,,,, the life you had prepared for has changed...and you feel short changed.  I feel that too sometimes.  PEACE

Hey Pat, unfortunately you are not alone, that's for sure. He who feels it, knows it. Its like everything reminds me of him, its like I'm always seeking signs that will connect me to him. Like, I'll see a license plate number and it will have my son's age or birth year or day, I'll notice it on signs or addresses of buildings, a movie ticket and so many other things. I'll see the the numbers related to "passing away" date. Sometimes it makes me feel crazy. I find myself comparing the numbers of his birth date to the numbers of his passing away date. It's like I am looking for clues in the dates to see if it secretly revealed to. His bday is 2/19/88, 2+19=21: the age he passed away. The year 1988= 8+8= 16: he passed away on the 16th or 19= 1+9= 10- he passed away in the 10th month(Oct). I try to tell myself I should have made sure he was up under me that day. Just crazy stuff like that.

Stephanie, thank you for recognizing how insensitive it was for my father to say that.  It is, unfortunately, what he believes. I prefer how you described "talking with God and reviewing our lives" (para-phrasing). I also believe what you said about remaining in this life after losing a child leaves us feeling like much our purpose in life is gone. This is exactly how I feel! I do have 2 other children and they are the main reason for my sanity. Knowing they too are suffering & grieving the loss of their older brother forces me to stay strong. You are also right about remaining in this life to help others. There are so many people who need help & there is so much we can do to help fill the void of our deceased children. We will always feel this void but we can & should try to do what we can to help others in need. It always feels good to help someone who needs it. Volunteering at a hospital or homeless shelter, especially around the holidays. It is such a difficult time for us as well as those in either of those places.

I also completely relate to what Pat & Vicki are saying about family and friends avoiding you. A friend of mine told me recently that she would've come with me to arrange Jimmy's funeral if I would've asked her. She told me this when I was expressing that I arranged his service, etc by myself and I regret not burying some of Jimmy's ashes and giving him a grave stone since I learned from his girlfriend, months later, that is what he would've wanted. His girlfriend & I were in such shock at the time of his death, we didn't even talk about it. Either way, I couldn't believe she expected me to be in the frame of mind to ASK HER, she could've asked me. My Aunt tells me all the time how she misses her grown son's who live out of town and I think "my God, she certainly doesn't miss them as I miss Jimmy" - they are still alive! No-one calls anymore and my favorite is "whats wrong". REALLY!? WHATS WRONG?!!! are they serious? I usually say "nothing", but I will give certain friends and/or family a sideways look, as if to say "you insensitive fool"! Without actually saying it. I am dreading the holidays because I do not want to have to pretend. I will be strong for the kids but I'll probably spend some time alone in a room just crying and thinking about my dear Jimmy. I just pray he's at peace.

Boy oh boy am I writing alot here! Thanks to any of you who read all of this. I am so, so appreciative of this site. I can only hope I can help anyone of you too - just by reading and writing here. Thanks to all of you.

Sincerley, Sophia

Hey Sophia and all friends, my heart is with all of you. I don't always comment but I can always relate and I try to read everyone's postings.

Adrianne, you are lucky to have grandchildren. I have none.

Stephanie,

I cannot have a dog now. I cannot bear to have anything die while under my care. 

Grace, depression probably but I can still function without medications and don't want them. Volunteering, well I tried that for a while but it was no use, I feel worse seeing others in pain as well. I did some Methodist H.O.M.E. I think I just like to sleep and stay busy at work.

I got offered a job in Alaska today. I asked the wife, I already knew the answer "And leave Danny?". I admit, on Saturday evening I do feel some relief going to the gravesite just to be closer to him.

And to think, I had the world as my oyster not but a couple of years ago. Mid-life with a wife and two good careers, two sons out of university, and one married. Cruising into to a comfy retirement in about 10 years, no bothers.

Now Danny passes and I find out the other son has some fertility issues. My world is cratered. I feel cheated and wonder what the heck have I been doing all the years. Everything for naught.

All I wanted was big Thanksgivings and Christmas' with grandchildren playing at my feet. I don't think that is much to ask for.

Dick,  Maybe your son will give you grandchildren.... maybe adopted... and just think.... that grandchild will need all the love you can muster.

I think we all can understand how life can just knock you for a loop... how "Random" it is..... and how we felt so immune to having this happen to us.... even though we saw it happening all around us ...on the news.... to other people.... now we are those "other" people.

Just sending you all love and strength. I'm watching a comedy and laughing.  I hope that's okay.  Enjoying it while it lasts x x x

Stephanie, that's great! I have my moments like that but I end up feeling guilty.

I used to feel guilty, but as i thought about it, i realised that my baby girl and i laughed SO MUCH together... that sometimes i feel even closer to her when im laughing. her laughter will ring in my ears forever and ever, and what a cute laugh she had!!!! x x x x x

I always feel guilty and regretful.

I have had many periods of regret & guilt, still do.  So many what ifs & should've / could've's - it is difficult to know if these feelings are warrented & real or imagined.  I try to remind myself that Jimmy wouldn't want me to feel sad, guilty or regretful. He wants me to carry on & be strong for his little sister & brother as well as for myself.  This is easier said than done.  As Vicki said; we're trying to adjust to our changed selves without our deceased children. Just as there is no instruction manual which come with our children when they're born, there are most certainly no instructions or guidlines as to how to continue life when a child dies.  Everyone must take their own journey through the myriad of emotions we experience.

We can only do the best we can at any given moment. I tell myself - to honor my sons memory - I must carry on, remain strong and keep his memory alive. There are bad days, very bad days & better days.  I don't feel guilty for smiling or laughing as I did for many months after his death. If I see or hear something that Jimmy liked I make a point of soaking it in and appreciating it deeply.  If I see or hear something I know he would've liked if he had the opportunity to experience it, I soak it in and appreciate it for him. I think about him and even will say out loud "Jimmy can you hear this / see this". I think he is with me in spirit enjoying it with me for my benefit. He isn't concerned with our worldly stuff anymore. But he knows how badly I miss him so he visits periodically - at least I hope he does.

It is so hard for all of us. I don't know if he's with me in spirit but I sincerely hope he is.  I do know he wouldn't want me to be miserable all the time. This is my life now & it is my absolute worst nightmare turned reality. Who knows how much longer any of us have - sorry to be cliche - I just try my hardest to do the best I can, thats all I can do.

Sophia

missing my Sy guy. I don't come here often as I guess I just try to stay super busy which isn't difficult with the fund I started in Sy's memory; I know I also isolate myself when not at work. I try to work out to keep some physical strength up as people were asking me if I needed help getting groceries into the car last winter... but going to the gym even feels unbearable many nights so I go home to recumbent bike.  I know that there are no easy answers, some days it feels like there are no answers at all.  Just want friends here to know that I am thinking of all of you everyday~ this is not an easy life, that's for sure

Hey Lorraine, nice yo hear from you, you are not kidding about this not being a easy life.

My grief and my mourning has cost me my marriage. I really pushed him away. He just wanted me to stop... referring to my sadness. He just didn't get it. He claims he did but he really didn't . He is not my son's biological father, now I feel like I'm grieving for him.

Sat at the gravesite for an hour today just thinking. My wife was with me no talking. 

so sorry about your marriage Karen; I think this loss makes us realize just how fragile we all are in some ways, and so vulnerable. We need to be able to grieve in our own ways, and when two people live together, and love each other, but grieve so differently it has to be challenging.  I was in a relationship, or so I thought, when my son was sick with cancer, he was going online to meet other women... not there to hold me up when Silas died, my girls ended up with that horrific job.  I guess it was good in the sense that why would I want to be with someone who cannot be emotionally available in any way. That said, I am sure we push many away with the intensity of our feelings.  Dick, I am glad your wife goes with you, sometimes there are no words, but at least you are in this together.

My marriage has been a roller coaster ride since Niles died.   But then aain I think the issues were there even before he died.... Out love life has been non existent for years... In fact I call my self a
NoMo Sexual.... I don't have sex no more.... and then I felt even more emotiona distance since Niles died... and I thought gee does anyone not care if I am unhappy?  I felt that my other kids and my husband were separate from me.... My husband always seemed to take thier side.... and I was not feeling any closeness.... I even left our home for a week.. and it seemed no one came looking for me or cared.   We are still together and live like friends... sleep in the same bed.... but sit No-Mo Sexuals....Even though we have tried marriae counseling.. and talkin.. it just seems like we are in this holding (Or maybe not holding) pattern.

Maybe since Niles died I am reviewing all my relationships and find emptyness....  And especially my Mother and siblings.... I just feel so let down by these other people who I guess I expected More from.... are we all just disappointed because we have expected MORE from these people... maybe we always had the misconception that they were our (ROCK) Or emotional support... that would be able to prop us up through this pain and feel that they have abandoned us in our most desperate time of need and vulnerability?  Or have we all just had higher expectations that we were more valuable to these people... and we were really not....  Maybe it is our own expectations that have cursed us?  All I know is that I feel very alone with myself when I really wish I had more to lean on.  I am not the strong person others seem to think I am... yet I know I wear this mask now because I don't think anyone cares anymore.... it has been more than 3 years and they expect me to be the masked person I present to them.... it is more comfortable for them to see me as Fine.

I guess I am lucky in that respect that my marriage is OK considering events, and we both are depressed over the matter. Maybe me the most or she has a different way of dealing with it. I do notice that she does the minimal to keep the home going, preferring to sleep or read in bed. I guess we are both in holding patterns.

I had a meeting with a religious counsler on Friday and he confided that his brother died in his 20's of AIDs complications. He told me he felt like a ghost for years afterwards, similar to my condition. All he could say is it will pass, no timetable.

Interesting, at church today the minister came to me and said we need to talk. I wonder what he is interested in?

I have told him before that no burning bushes, thundering voices or angel visitations have taken place; yet.

Dick, I haven't had any burnin bushes either.... and feel that I have even been abandoned by God....  I am oin day to day ok... but I have less faith in od and especially people.

Thanks Lorraine. I feel so betrayed by husband, he thinks he's helping me by giving me my space but instead I feel abandoned.

Dick, I think that's good, even if there was only silence.

I still go to my son's final resting place often. At my last visit, I was sitting on the ground, sobbing and feeling like I could not even stand up. I had been there by myself it seemed for a while, which is how I like it and at some point, 3 women came to visit their loved one. Suddenly, I felt a sincere touch on my shoulder and they all knelt down beside me. Each of them gave me the warmest hugs. They shared with me that they visiting their nephew who had passed away from cancer at age 29. They asked if they could say a prayer for my son and I. I said ok, even though my faith I once had has dwindled, I did appreciate that they asked first. They told me that they only experience peace now at his final resting place. She said they feel comforted when they go there. They said that they rejoice knowing that he doesn't have to deal with the turmoils of this world, they said he has no worries and they are happy for him. I thought to myself, wow, will I ever feel that way. I told them that all I think of is my son is NOT at peace, I the he's angry that his life was snatched away at only 21yrs old. I need him to assure me that he is "ok".

Interestingly, we have a family plot where my grandmother, uncle, father, place for mom and my son are all buried. We still have two sites next to Danny, for myself and my wife. My oldest son said not to worry about him, he has his own family now and may end up anywhere. OK.

I also sit on the ground and rest on a oak tree, just set and wonder what could have been. Talk to my whole family and ask Dad to watch  out for Danny.

I did not take Dad's passing in 2009 as poorly. I miss him, but it was the natural cycle of life. But a son passing before his father, unnatural. This is one of the reasons I am taking Danny's passing poorly.   

I lost my dad in July this year, and my sister to Cancer last month. Of course my baby girl is with them. As dawn breaks here, I am looking at the lights glistening over the city, all is quiet, just the birds beginning to chirp.  Somehow I feel at peace. With everything. It's just for this moment, but it's a warm and peaceful moment...

I made a mistake by not burying my son Jimmy. I was in shock and couldn't bare the thought of placing him in the ground. I went alone to the funeral home to make the arrangements and all I could think was that I couldn't put him in the ground - it was a form of denial I believe now.  Months later, his girlfriend and I  discussed what Jimmy would've wanted and He would've wanted to be buried. I feel so badly, like I've let him down. I do feel some comfort from having his cremains nearby - they are in a beautiful engraved wooden box - but it isn't what Jimmy wanted.  I plan to have part of his cremains buried in our family plot sometime, fairly soon. Which is what I should've done immediately. It is horrible to think of this, to write this & to live this.

I am seeing things - life - in an entirely different way. I want to say clearly but I don't know if things are more clear or just different. I do see how self involved people are. I feel very alone in all of this, no-one understands (except all of you & others who've lost a child). My life is turned & twisted all around and up-side-down. It is fast approaching 1 year since Jimmy died. My living son will be turning 20yrs 11/3. He talked to Jimmy with-in the hour that he passed and that was on 11/13/11. My living son has to carry this for the remainder of his life now. Being the last person to talk to Jimmy, just 10 days after his birthday. I know he is depressed about his birthday now as well as about his brother - it isn't a happy, celebratory time any longer. Then the holidays come & we have to put on a happy face for the young ones when I just want to hide away untill the new year! We carry on because we have to and mostly, for me, because I know Jimmy would've wanted me to. Jimmy loved his little sister so, so much. He & his brother were close, yet different in many ways, they loved each other very much. Jimmy was a father figure to his little sister & tried so hard to be & was a great big brother / father figure to her. He was protective of me and I miss that. He & I were a team. I had him young, he was my constant companion - he was always there, I took it for granted. I always thought he'd bury me. He would've been the one taking care of me when I got too old to care for myself. Now I don't know, I can't even imaging the rest of my life without Jimmy. Yes I have 2 other children and they are the entire reason i am anywhere near sane at this point. Thank you for this site, thank you for any input and mostly thank you for listening.

Sophia, You need some hugs!!  My belief is that once our loved ones are passed on they understand all.  Your son knows you did the best you could at the time and there is no way he would feel anything but love and pride in you for getting through such a tough time.  If now you want to bury his ashes that is fine too.  We do what we think is right at the time and they dont give us much time to think about it and we sure as heck dont think ahead of time what we would do if our child died!  So we make decisions while in a fog of hurt.  Please let go of the feelings you let your son down.  You did not.  You did what you needed to do for you.  He loved you enough to understand that.  I didnt have to do anything when my son died.  His father and brothers did it all.  Then a year later his dad died and I got a first hand look at how hard it must have been and I wish I could go back and help when my son died.  I dont know how my husband and other sons did it and stayed sane.  My sons wife still has his ashes even though I really want him to be buried so we all have access to a place where we can go and "visit" him.  She still needs him close to her.  I was angry at first and now I understand it because I still have my husbands ashes!  We do what we do and that is ok.  Try to be gentle with yourself. 

It's been 5 months today and sometimes I don't think I can do one more day. This pain is so deep and I feel so alone. I need lots of prayers.  

It's 19 months for me.  I've been working on the t-shirt quilt.  Using his t-shirts, jeans and even some of his boxers.  It was very difficult to sort through his stuff.  I cried a lot.  When the class started, I was worried I'd lose it and not be able to stay in the class.  But I made it through the two days.  I now have the top portion of the quilt done and need to do the batting and the back of the quilt.  I am so looking forward to wrapping myself in it on those days that I feel complete utter sadness.  The bleakness is so heavy sometimes.  There is not an hour that goes by that he doesn't come into my mind.  Snapshots of his face forever engraved in my brain and heart.  God only knows just how much I miss him and I like all of you, plug along doing what we need to do to get by each day.  But our lives are forever changed.  Sending my hugs to all of you.

Ahh, the minister was trying to talk me into going to the mens retreat. I told him my wife freaks out when I am not here. I told him I could not go; he understands.

I hope my son understands, I was contacted about harvesting his organs.  Told them no, I could not deal with it. Little did i know, he had signed up as a organ donor and never told me. I regret not honouring his last requests.I did not know.

Anna, thank you for you 'hug' & kind words.

Dick, I am sending you a 'hug'.  Please don't be so hard on yourself. I have been very hard on myself at times, especially the first 5-6 months after my son passed. I blamed myself in different ways for his death, I felt completely lost & I was very angry. Very angry, angry at myself, angry at Jimmy's father, angry at friends & family, even angry at the world in general.  I still have days where I feel lost & angry just not as intensely so. Jimmy was always the one to lighten the mood, to make things fun - no matter what. Jimmy's step-father reminded me of this at one point a few months back and he said "Jimmy wouldn't have wanted you to be miserable and angry the rest of your life". As simple or cliche as this sounds - once I accepted this fact (which I often have to force myself to remember) I have been easier on myself and easier to be around. I don't know if any of what I've written applies to you or can help you but I read your comments and wanted to share this with you.

Dick, I also wanted to comment about you not knowing your son was a organ donor and feeling regret.  I feel regret for not burying my son as he wanted. I wasn't thinking clearly enough at the time. I was in shock. My son just died and I had to go to make the arrangements alone. Anna, kindly wrote to me saying "our children have moved on, are above our worldly concerns and know we did the best we could" in the worst possible situation any parent could face. I think she's right about that. I did the best I could and I'm sure you did too.  I still feel regret because I love and miss Jimmy so much and as parents we always want our children to have what they deserve - we did the best we could with the worst situation imaginable!

Big Brother, organ donor, blood donor, Boy Scouts, church emails....they all try to contact Danny, still. I continue to have to go through the routine of telling them he is no longer of this world. Bleh!

Hard on myself, heck yeah. I have gone to most all of the counseling that can be had, wife as well. Really doesn't matter I have been told repeatedly to go easy on myself. I know, I understand, but I either cannot or will not take the advice. I will be as hard for as long as needed on myself.

Today, I found poems I had written earlier this year. I am making a decision to read them at my next group session.

Anger, regrets, guiltiness, sadness ...... emotions I have lived most of my life without. Now they are my constant companions.